Thoughts..

[LeftLonely]

I have been trying to understand why everything has seemed so much harder lately..
Harder to wake up, harder to get moving, get motivated... to be happy..
I get glimpses into others lives due to social media and find myself jelaous, and empty...
Everyone has friends, has people in their lives that enrich their lives... And then there is me..
Then I have struggles with why I suddenly care, why my life seems so empty..
It's because it is - weather the losses are by death, or by choice.. I feel alone..

First my favorite family member, my only "girlfriend" growing up, my Great Aunt past in November. Cancer.
She was my life line through homeschooling, through my depression as a teen.. She was the only one who could get me out of the house.. the one who knew right when you needed her - how to make it better - and always told it like it was..

Then in January (the 7th), my best friend in the whole wide world, my 13 year old golden retriever, had to be put down.. also cancer. He fought so hard to stay with me, until his body would no longer allow it.. leaving me to make the hardest choice in my life - one I still struggle with daily (regardless of how right I knew the decision was)

All the while; I was losing it, spiraling into depression.. I knew, was aware as it happened, and could do nothing to stop it..

My boyfriend could do nothing to help me (though him being with me helped from it getting any worse).
He, however, not growing up with pets of his own - did not know the extent of this pain, nor  how it would effect him.
He too fell into a depression, and though we each tended to have opposite bad/good days to where one of us could help the other - I do feel as though I couldn't deal with it as I needed to, because at points I was too busy caring for him..

With all this happening at the same time; is right  when my "best friend" became too "busy" (her words) to even talk to me.. yet had all this time for new friends..

She canceled plans with me to hang out with them.. flaunted it over social media - not as a personal dig at me I'm sure, but at times it felt that way -
whenever I tried to reach out, it would take her hours to reply, if at all.. I tried to talk to her, to make plans.. nada.
 Then the one time we did, she was a half hour late..
It was clear it was not so much busy, but lack of priority..
I gave up.

And alone I sat.

I tried to make plans with the One other friend I have.. It was for lunch. She too was an hour late.

And alone I was with my thoughts,
These thoughts..

I feel as though I pull teeth for minor interactions.. yet if anyone of these people, or any other acquaintance, needed me - texted/called me - if I wasn't at work, I would be there, I would respond.
Almost, if not, immediately.

Why is it I can never find the same sense of compassion in another human being?
Why was now the time for everyone to leave? When I needed them most..
When I was dying inside from the loss of the one soul I never had to tell "what was wrong"..
I miss my dog more than words can express... how he always knew just how I felt, and how to fix it just by being him.

My boyfriend can only do so much when he too lives it everyday.. there is only so many times we can have the same coversations  with the same perspectives..
And sometimes my need to vent includes living with him (men).

I know spending time with a depressed person is no picnic, but I can't help to think if some people would just ask me how I was, ask me to get out, to do something (Anything!), just to give me a reason to not feel so alone - I wouldn't feel So alone... And I might Not feel so depressed..

It seems like it's to mush to ask for, to just want someone who cares..

[sultan]

I am very sorry to hear your issues and your thoughts .. Let's start from the beginning.. Life is a combination of Positive and Negative things .. It is not possible that only Good things happen in our lives or Only negative things happen in our life .. It's a see- saw as one goes up , other goes down..
I have answers to all your said above thoughts but instead of going into that .. keep all above thoughts at pause.. and have a look into world what is happening.. More than 75% people of the world have issues related to Food , Hygeine , Cloths and Shelters and the number of persons suffering from these issues exceeds in Billions !!! The average income of person in World is just 100$ per month only which is far less than cost of our smartphones
The point to tell you these facts is to get a sense that we are so blessed in so many ways . People come and people go in our lives . Change is part of our life and that happens in every single way starting from our body , to thoughts, to matters , to careers and so on including people around us .. Every thing changes . So we cannot stop our thoughts if something changes . We have to admit and move on with a belief that Best is yet to happen
As you told that your friend ignored you. It simply means he/ she has different priorities so not to waste energy and thoughts on that . Just Remember the Golden formula told by teacher- Let the person around you Go and float , if he or she comes back to you , they were meant for you . If they don't come back they were never meant for you. So with every negative and depressing though you have to counter it with a positive thought . By this way you can progress in your life

[LeftLonely]

No part of your comment was helpful in the slightest. I understand my life could be worse, trust me, but to tell me to put my feeling on pause is a joke. I an not trying to be rude here, honest.
But do you understand anxiety? Depression?
Have you ever been diagnosed? If this works for you, great! That is amazing and I am very glad, but not for me, and most people I know with a chemical imbalance.
I don't presume to understand you, or your life, or your ways of thinking.. I won't talk down to you for them either.
But your "advice" is no better than telling any person struggling - to just not.
I do wish it were so easy. Truly.