Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

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tiredjohn
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:54 pm

Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby tiredjohn » Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:57 pm

Yeah, I’m depressed. I am nearly 50 years old. My Mom and Dad split up when I was 9 years old. Mom said that Dad was cheating on her; Dad said that Mom was stealing from him. Both were true. They got the weirdest divorce you would’ve ever heard of in the 1970s, the man cheats and the wife and child are kicked out of the house.. Dad tricked Mom into giving him the house. Dad bought Mom a trailer 300 miles away and shipped us both there. We stayed there for two years. When we returned, Mom just decided she wanted Dad back, she began to pressure me to get them back together. She would prepare speeches for me to give to him and then debriefed me when I got back home. This went on for nearly a decade. He got married again...to the woman he was cheating on my mother with. As soon as he got married, Mom stopped pressuring me about him. Mom then turned to a long list of get rich quick schemes that eventually ended her up being arrested (in my twenties) over and over and then doing time in prison (in my 30s)for several years. By the way, Mom’s get rich quick schemes scammed a lot of money from all of the wrong people in our town...the mayor,the vice mayor, police chief, sheriff, other police officers, city council members, county commissioners, lawyers, judges, and several local businessmen. I should not live in this town. I live here only because my Wife refuses to leave, and I love my Wife.
My Dad made a small fortune by working hard and “not having a family to support”. He has told me a thousand times that he didn’t want any children. Claims he didn’t use a condom one time in his life and I was the result. Later, he changed this claim to the fact that he believes that I was the result of immaculate conception...no kidding. He gave me birthday presents and then took them back. Some of those he didn’t take back, my Mother would take and sell.
From 1998 to 2005, I had a nice e-commerce business. My Mother, while babysitting, got into my records. Used my passwords, started pulling my orders, copying them, then deleting them from the server. She set up her own merchant credit card processing account and began charging my customers. My customers would contact me asking why they weren’t getting their orders, orders that I didn’t know existed. She also used my customer’s identities to commit crimes. I tracked down the problem. I tried to fix it, but was too late. It turns out that trying to fix a problem instead of reporting it makes you a part of a conspiracy. In 2007, I was arrested. So was my Mother. We were convicted in federal court of the same charges. I did a good job of fighting my case. I paid $65,000 of restitution, she paid nothing. I got 60 days, mostly because it was so hard to believe that a little old lady could do such things. She got 3 ½ years. But, I was a felon now. I cannot vote, I cannot run for office. I cannot get a good job. I cannot own a firearm. My picture was on the front page of the newspaper, and on the evening news. Hundreds of people “my victims” wanted me dead...no joke.
Now, through all of this, my Wife stuck with me. She was ,at times, grudgingly there for me, but she was there for me. All she would have had to do to rid herself of these problems was walk out. She stayed. We’re still together after 28 years now. Mom, of course, stole both her and my identities and used them to commit crimes, and ruined our credit rating.
So anyway, two years ago my health started to suffer from all of this. Within a two month period I had a kidney stone, pneumonia, and a stroke. I’m greatly weakened, both mentally and physically. I get tired quickly, and have to sleep more than I like to keep a clear head. I’m under a doctor’s care, and a neurologist. They tell me that this is just how it’s going to be from now on, and that this will increase my risk of further mental difficulties later in life, such as those my parents are now afflicted with...Yeah, there’s more.
Mom is now 87, Dad 83. Dad got alzheimer's when he was 80, and his memory is now shot. But, it’s shot in a very specific manner in regards to me. He not only doesn’t remember things, that I could understand, but he always remembers things that are to my detriment, but never those to my credit. He also “creates” his own memories that are quite different from reality. To him, he was the perfect father and to blame for nothing. He frequently believes that he’s still married to Mom, and just having an affair with his second wife. Once, many years ago, I was in a bad position and living on about 800 calories a day. I asked him to send me twenty dollars. The man is a millionaire. He sent me nothing and I continued to suffer for a long time. Now, he “remembers” the incident. He “remembers” that I asked him and that he sent it and how it made him feel like a good parent. I can’t begin to express how much this angers me. He once gave me some money when I was about 18, about $10,000. Later, he changed his mind and claimed it was a loan. Every so often he added on “interest”. What this amounted to was that every so often, the amount he claimed that I owed him mysteriously doubled. At last count, he claims I owe him over $700,000. I’m never going to pay him a cent, but his wife will use this as leverage against me inheriting anything should the occasion arise. Every time I am around him, he bemoans himself to me about how poor he is...all from the comfort of his paid for in advance, half million dollar house, with three cars, two tractors, gold coins, full bank accounts, etc. He really believes his own bullshit.
About a year ago, Mom was diagnosed with dementia. About half of the time, she doesn’t know who I am. She thinks that I am her boyfriend and wants to marry me. She can’t live with us because the last time she was at our house, watching our eldest daughter while I was at the hospital with my wife who was having our second daughter, she stole about 2/3ds of my wife’s jewelry, and most of my power tools. She then took them to a pawn shop. I found the pawn receipt years later at her apartment. I won’t allow Medicare to force her assets to be depleted, she has a large life insurance policy, before being able to be covered for a nursing home stay. I guess my position is that I’ll be damned before I’m willing to give it up after what I’ve been through.
So, I’m now paying her rent and utilities, and caring for her daily. Doesn’t she get social security ? Yes, and a state retirement benefit...believe it or not she was a police officer. Anyhow, she never trusted me with anything. So, I don’t know where she does her banking. I’m definitely not her power of attorney. She’s at this point not mentally competent to sign anything over to me. So, all of her benefits go somewhere and sit there. Maybe I’ll inherit them when she’s gone. But then again, since I don’t even know where it is, you can’t claim what you don’t know exists. Additionally, I can’t afford to hire an attorney to have her declared incompetent or find these assets as long as I’m having to pay her bills.
While driving home the other night from taking care of Mom, a thought occurred to me. In the event that Dad’s wife died, she’s 80, I’d end up in the same position with him that I am with Mom. He also has never, and will never tell me where anything is or allow me to have access to his accounts with which to manage his care. I could easily end up paying his bills too while I wait for him to pass, and hundreds of thousands of dollars would be lost considering he has no will, and, once again, you can’t claim what you don’t know exists.
So, I’m a felon with no real work history except as the owner of a business which was brought down by crime. I couldn’t get a good job to save my life, and my health isn’t such that I can handle a bad job. I tried to get on disability, got turned down. The logic behind that: my stroke doesn’t actually stop me from doing anything I could do before, it just makes it much more difficult...wow. I’m a 49 year old, married with two children. I used to be a genius. I’m a stroke victim. Now I’m just inconsistently smart. My family name is a pariah in the community I live in. I can’t move. I’m having to pay my own bills and those of some of the people who helped put me in this position, people who are very physically healthy, but mentally completely shot. People in my family on both sides have a history of long lives, almost all of them into their 90s and some over 100. I don’t know if I want to go that long.
I don’t know if I’m depressed, or if I’m completely normal and my life just really, really sucks. What I need is advice, good advice that abides within the confines of the positions I’ve laid out above and that I can actually do. :roll:

CurryKidNick
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:46 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby CurryKidNick » Wed Jan 25, 2017 6:51 pm

ummmm wowie...your in a pickle buddy. so ill "try"

TBH, the only concrete advice i can give you would be to double check what decisions you are going to make with your wife first. there is a reason she stuck around with you this long. the other thing i would say to do is ask her family for advice. i know its hard but believe me, you will be happier that you did rather than not.

also now that i think about it (and after i wrote this), you never did share your wife's opinion on this? it might make answering this a bit easier if she is okay with it.

everything else here is a suggestion, take of it as u will.

u might want to break some attachments with your mother. at least the ones where she could ruin you like the money instance. that way more of your things can't be ruined. reasoning for this is its just better for your children and family.

i would also demand her to tell you where she banks. if you paying for her life then you should have the right to know. you might find something there.

as for your farther, idk what to say. you might want to ask some people as well.

something that you can try (i haven't yet but i heard it helps) is to think about everything you are thankful for. this will generate some positive energy in you and help you think about this issue better.

once you find an answer that you like to get your life back in check, break it up into steps and do the steps out. this makes the task become less daunting.

i'm sorry i really can't think of anything else. i don't think your depressed, but you are going through a tough time. anyway good luck. hope u can situate urself soon!

tiredjohn
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 21, 2017 1:54 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby tiredjohn » Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:59 am

Yes, there's a reason my wife has stuck with me this long...I'm the stability in her life. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife. But it is and always has been me supporting her, not her supporting me, to the greatest extent.

As for the wife's family, her father passed away eight years ago and was a life long, non-functioning alcoholic. Her brother is also a life long, non-functioning alcoholic. Her mother is a career gold digger. She moves from man to man as long as they have some money. When she's alone, she visits us. When she's with a man, she doesn't visit, doesn't call, doesn't make any attempt to see her own granddaughters. During most of my wife's childhood, she was married to another alcoholic who was also a child molester. So, you can see how that part went. Anyhow, as bad as my parents are, her mother is without a doubt the most self-centered person I have ever met. So, no help there.

My wife's opinion. She has told me several times over the years that she doesn't know why I haven't killed myself by now. I've had to stop her from killing herself because of this situation a few times over the years. She is and has been fed up with the entire situation for more than a decade. To keep peace in the house, as much as I can, I just keep the worst of it all to myself.

My mother is beyond the point mentally where she can be a danger to me anymore, and I always go to her place instead of her coming to mine.

Demanding anything of her is useless. She has dementia and no longer knows what bank she uses or even what a bank is, so no luck there. She literally has an attention span and memory of less than 3 seconds at a time.

CurryKidNick
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:46 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby CurryKidNick » Thu Jan 26, 2017 11:45 pm

So u keep the worst of it all to yourself? there is something your not telling her? that's not the best of ideas buddy

a marriage, like any true relationship, requires COMPLETE trust in one another. there is no hiding this or this.

I would honestly recommend a professional like a therapist or something. there must be someone out their to help you better than a college student. you need to seek help from real people and professionals. this is a serious issue you have and something like an online forum isn't going to help you.

you have to

1. gotta get off and talk to someone with your wife (she might be able to set something up if ur having problems)
2. talk about everything
3. take these problems one step at a time

good luck buddy

ladyHandofhelp
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Jan 28, 2017 8:53 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby ladyHandofhelp » Sat Jan 28, 2017 9:54 pm

Good morning
It is a great thing you have reached out and asked for support. This tells me you have an understanding that a healthy human interaction is vital in life. Good job!
From what I can tell from your post there a few areas that are causing distress and you need to find a way of dealing with them. I am a great believer in trying to understand a person and why a person finds themselves in a position they don't want to be in. However, this doesn't mean we can go into a time capsule and undo all the things that have occurred throughout your lifetime (and you are 49, you still have a long life ahead of you).
From what you mention regarding your parents and childhood, It appears you have undergone a form of child abuse. Child abuse can come in many disguises, such as emotional abuse, neglect and improper conduct, practically most things that can effect the psychological well-being and general health of the child. I share my empathy with you in how you were put in a position at a very young age and asked to do "tasks" for your mother that have clearly bothered you. It also appears you were in subject to a "toxic" parental divorce that would of been very hard on you.
Developmental years are very important in a persons life. During this time children develop there personalities and form a good basis for morals. In time, these morals become "moral internalisation", meaning you decided based on your own thinking and view of ethics what your moral code is. this moral internalisation is drawn upon throughout a persons life. Without a healthy moral guidance and child development, people are more prone to undergo criminal activity, depression, confusion and personality disorders.
As for the later, you mention you had some legal dealings that you where charged but maintain your innocence. Regardless if another person was to blame or there were moments when you did some naughty things ( and we all do naughty things) you could most likely justify your actions based on your own moral internalisation. This could be anything from wanting to find financial freedom and having to do what you felt was best. It could also be an influence from your parents who where responsible for healthy role modelling (setting an example). A lot of people feel guiltly about choices they make and humiliation for being subject to blame for underlying causes that where influencing the situation at the time. It is part of being human, it is also more emphasised when people undergo treatment from childhood that you were exposed too.
From reading your post you mentioned that you need some help. I would like you to ask yourself, what do you want? You are allowed to get what you want and there is a way to deal and let go of the past and move forward. However when a person moves forward it is usually then they notice the obstacles that are in the way. This causes stress and stress is the beginning of many negative patterns. Patterns of guilty thinking, sleep issues, depression, negative thinking.
In relation to your parents, it seems you feel an obligation towards them, this is OK, however I sense this obligation is not a healthy one but more toxic for your life. Also understand both your parents have dementia - taking the responsibility to deal with this is something that you should not be doing on your own, if at all. Yes, it is normal to show support , but this is a real mental disposition that people study and become qualified to handle. You are not a qualified person to take this full responsibility. I am unsure what country you reside, but there should be assistance somewhere in the system. You could also consider writing to your local mayor or seeking counselling or a social worker that deal with case managements. These professionals have all the contacts to assist you.
Regarding your application for disability pension, again I am not sure of your countries rules, but there are more than one avenue that enables a person to qualify for this. Mental health is one of them. It appears to me that the more you are forced to work or be in this position your mental health gets worse. This is not a speculation, but calls for serious concern. To my knowledge, in Australia you need to prove you are incapable or working for at least 2 years to qualify. Then you get accessed every two years. Having a mental health disposition you may be able to get this confirmed from a psychologist that would be willing to write you a letter claiming your inability to perform "the standard work duties" due to certain psychological well being related problems.( excuse me for using the word problems, but I am sure you understand). You also mentioned the doctors said quote " this is just the way it is going to be from now".....Can you get that in writing? Also consider changing doctors , even If this means seeing another doctor from a nearby town or city.
During the mean time, you should be focusing on coping methods that will de-crease your stress levels. Going for walks, watching comedies, medication, relaxation music and so fourth.
I feel that not only do you need to find a solution to this ongoing toxic circumstance, you need to find personal resolution.
I hope things improve in time.

JCinAZ
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2017 9:37 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby JCinAZ » Mon Feb 06, 2017 8:37 pm

Hey tiredjohn,

Sure sorry you are going thru this.

This is tough to fight alone. Sounds like your wife is awesome. Perhaps the two of you can come up with a plan looking forward.

I heard a couple of days ago that if I didn't stop looking in my rear view mirror of life, I would miss some of the nice things that may come. I was further encouraged to determine what I was looking for. Was I looking for the bummers in life or the blessings. Most if us will find what we are looking for.

I have heard of people, who successfully complete their judicial responsibility, petitioning the court and had their rights restored.

Years ago dealing with suicidal thoughts, counseling was helpful. It was nice for someone to help me see hope.

I saw an article that deals with depression here: http://bit.ly/2jDz6k6

You are in my prayers,

J

juliatom543
Posts: 6
Joined: Wed Aug 15, 2018 3:36 am
Location: United States

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby juliatom543 » Wed Dec 26, 2018 6:15 am

Sorry to hear about you. My prayers are with you.

laurenipsum
Posts: 17
Joined: Sun Nov 19, 2017 1:19 pm

Re: Here's me...(long, but I need some help)

Postby laurenipsum » Thu Feb 21, 2019 5:33 am

Hi, I'm sorry you're going through this. Here's what I would say:

Do talk to a lawyer about what you're doing for your mother and whether you can get guardianship, and about finding assets. I understand lawyers are expensive -- are there any free legal services for those in financial need where you are? Otherwise, maybe you could just pay for one hour of advice (a consultation fee) to get the lay of the land and understand your options. Yes, a one-time consultation with a lawyer is still expensive, but it wouldn't be thousands of dollars and might leave you with a clearer idea of what you could/should be doing. It might take some looking to find the right lawyer, one with expertise in this kind of work and someone who could also understand the nuances of the situation and advise you ethically and compassionately (yes, lawyers like that do exist). I would also advise talking to a counselor/therapist, though again, the trick is finding the right one.


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