Long term panic disorder, agoraphobia, depression and social phobia: really need help with a very difficult fight

[sparks]

Hi everyone

I'll keep it brief for now.

I'm a 26 year old female from the UK. I'm completely isolated with these conditions and it feels like all I've ever known. I've had hospitalisations as a teenager for depression. I'm a fairly intelligent person who used to be curious and care about things -- at one time I thought I was going to do lots of things and make the most of my life, but I have just been consumed by these illnesses in a world full of people who ave hardly any idea what they even are.

I've been almost totally housebound with panic disorder/agoraphobia from the age of 18, which I should still find terrifying and astounding, but at the moment I'm just numb to it all. I haven't had friends on any level since I was about 18. The social phobia returned full vengenance after a slighty more manageable period and I quickly developed panic disorder, when every second outside the house or around people was marked with that absolute terror and torture that is panic. I didn't even get a break: it just seemed constant, and the actual 15-30 min panic attacks I get are not really that different from how I feel all the time. I often feel that I was just one of those people that were born 'weird'. I'm recently pushing for tests to rule out being on the autistic spectrum as I never really knew why I've had this intense fear of people since childhood and always felt so different all the time. I see no-one day in day out. I had one person in my life at one point, my partner who really was just incredible and did everything he could but had to give up a couple of years ago and left me. Right now I'm studying with the Open Uni which, alongside the fact that I get financial support for these debilitating mental illnesses, is the one good thing in my life.

I don't want to kill myself. I want 26 to be the start of my life where I try to build some kind of livable and fullfilling live for myself however I can. I want to get out there and make friends and be well enough to support myself and not be in this day-to-day hellish existence anymore.

Knowing how to do that is the issue. I get support from the mental health services, but the flat effect from the depression, and the panic and social fears make it so difficult to talk to and cooperate fully with them, despite trying desperately to. My parents have really tried recently and I feel that they're suffering from burnout and feel helpless. But until I can deal with this panic disorder monster and the terror of people that stops me from being able to make connections I don't know how anything can change. I am literally unable to say a word to another soul except from my parents and support worker. I live this hidden life and I'm sick to death of pretending that these illnesses don't really exist and having people not realise how serious it all is.

I've been forcing myself out, on my own several times a day recently. Every second I feel full of this deep dread, physically filling my insides until I actually feel like I'm drowning in it. I'm trapped in this fog, and barely have any idea of what's going on around me. I get this partial paralysis from the panic which gets worse the closer I am to other people. It feels like there's a force field coming from them which sezies up my muscles the closer they get. Sometimes part of me feels outside my body. I get all the panic attack-type delusions of losing control in different ways. I can't think properly. I can barely speak. Sometimes I feel like my brain's actually going to explode and I often feel like I'm going to die. I can't feel my legs, or they ache like I have the flu. Usually the only thing that 'soothes' me when I'm in that horrible state is imagining jumping off a bridge.

I've been trying to get to the library all week. I get about half way into town until it is physically and psychologically impossible to get any further. I am in total agony. My mind can't even imagine me going further, even if someone blindfolded me to reduce the stimulus causing the symptoms and pushed me in a wheelchair. I keep returning and usually can't get much further than the first time. I think about what other people have done at 26 and think how I've basically spent eight years either at home or venturing out to get to the local park or shop. It would almost be funny if it wasn't totally heartbreaking and alienating.

I was in touch with someone on a different forum and was speaking to him regularly but I think due to how scared and lonely I was, I was putting to much onto him. We had good conversations but he was probably too kind and accomodating. We were talking totally as friends but his wife got upset (which I feel awful about) and so we don't speak anymore. This felt like one lifeline and now it's gone. I obviously can't throw myself onto people, but I can't get well in this situation, totally on my own. I want to remember who I was and think about who I can be. I can't give up, but I desperately need help. The thing is, you need to have something to offer to make friends and so when something consumes you the way it has me you're out of luck.

Thanks for reading.

[Katjie]

Dear Sparks

Please DO NOT feel alone. Agoraphobia is for real, I think all of us depressed people has a little trouble with that too, but not so severe as yours.

As I am typing here, I feel very nauseous of stress and depression and my pills are making me fat, I have gained 40 kg over 4 years because of stress hormone Cortisol that also contributes to weigh gain. You can picture yourself, I used to be a very pretty 64 kilograms and were very attractive to the point of turning heads because I was fit (I was a kick boxer for a very long time 10 years ago).....and now I am weighing more than the average man (104 kg) and I can't even look at myself in the mirror or shop windows...I loath myself, I have tried eating better and I go to the gym still, but I am so ashamed of myself and feels if everyone (they are all so slim) is checking me out, because I am the only one wearing men's tracksuit pants as the ladies pants don't look good on me....and I feel as I am the fattest...You know what, it is affecting my already toxic relationship with my ex fiance (he is still trying to work out if he wants me anymore or not) as well, because I feel so "rubbish" that I don't even want to undress in front of him and then he will say the nastiest things that you can say to a woman....THAT is f*& up, but I am really really ashamed of myself...I feel like putting my fingers down my throat to barf out all of my meals, but I have read the stomach acid eats away your teeth....here in South Africa the men like their women skinny and blonde...I have only striking grey/green eyes left with my sense of humor....

Sparks, I have serious issues and nowadays the same symptoms maybe of Agoraphobia, I don't feel like going out as well anymore, I am so great full that I am healthy but my weight...weight and self esteem....I really loath myself and don't know if somebody will ever love me when my partner leaves me....

[sparks]

Hi yes I know agoraphobia is real. I wish it wasn't. It's basically just a term to describe how people with panic disorder (which is a very serious and debilitating condition) self-isolate to protect themselves, when panic attacks are constant and stop them from functioning in the world. It's not the same as isolating yourself due to depression, but I know that's very hard too. This thing has dictated many years of my life. I'm not the only one with the condition, no -- but there is not a lot of proper awareness of what it is and how it works which makes getting better even harder. I'm very happy and grateful that I'm physically healthy too, but mental health is just as important to be able to function.

Sorry to hear about everything you're dealing with. It might help to make your own thread on the subject though.
Is it fear and low self-esteem that's keeping you with this guy then? Tbh, it sounds like the last thing you should do is marry him. You should also push to get a change of medication. Don't put up with that rubbish. x

[Katjie]

Thank you Sparks, your are right, I must not put up with that rubbish

I am on meds, I have just given up on psycologists and councelling overall because they just "uhm, aahhh, ok, how you feeling bla bla bla" and eventually I feel cheated out of a lot of money and time. It is good to talk to persons like you and others on this forum.

A toxic relationship IS difficult to get out of when you have been depressed all of your life, yes, you are right, you become dependent on your partner to make you feel better. When you struggle with self loath already and then it snowballs to the point that you distant your partner whom you need as well, it is a sick sick cycle....I don't know what to do...I have started praying, I was never a believer in God, but something happened...a loooooong story, but God listened after I have made a deal with him out of last resort...He really listened and from thereon I have given myself (It sounds cheesy I know, because I was never a believer until a few month ago) and my problems to him, I pray a lot, but still I have doubts, because I have questions still if God is real...but He proved that he exist and when I think about my life so far, I should have been dead of in big trouble if it was not for HIM (or somebody) looking after me....

I still worry and still fear and still feel bad about everything and myself...I have been alone for a few days, because my partner (I still don't know WHAT I am to him, because he does not give a straight answer) is away on holiday with some male friends....this time alone I have a glass of wine already at 09:00 in the morning just after breakfast...I rarely drink before him, only per occasion if we go to parties or so, because he thinks that I am an alcoholic, which I am NOT....this wine drinking early in the morning while he is away, is out of boredom...in a toxic relationship you become what the other person make of you....this is a way for me to rebel while he is away.....I have resigned my good job for him 4 years ago, because he is the jealous type and wanted me to work for him in his graphic design company from home...but he alienated me from my previous friends and I became financially dependent on him and he expects me to repay him in "kind" and I must be the only one that is loving etc, because I owe him.....if I don't give enough sex or whatever, he will say the nastiest things you can say to a woman...to defend myself, I have to speak up and tell him what I feel, but it is an insult to him and it alienates him and he chases me out of the house....but when I grab my car keys and some clothes, he locks me in and grab the keys and hide it all from me....

To others he is the nicest person and we have had our nice moments too...but he is a different person behind doors...I am looking for work, because he wants to move out to another town to be with his selfish rebellious 15 year old daughter who only plays him....I can't move out of my current town, because my mother is dependent on me for transport and her overall safety...he is choosing his daughter over me, but she is just 45 km away and she visits us every second weekend and he phones her a lot...but he wants to move out I think as an excuse...so much for leaving my work and given everything up for him....but his daughter plays him and blood is thicker than water...

You are right, I am busy looking for work again, I apply for a lot of jobs and have had appointments with agencies....if he moves out I will get a house mate to share the rent with me so that I can keep this lovely garden and space for my pets....but even NOW he is telling me that he will leave me FOREVER if I get a male person in....well, he is leaving me then already, what gives him the right to keep his hold on me......I am not interested in love again, have had too many bad experiences already...

Sorry, I have bored you, this is not applicable on agoraphobia or anything else....

[sparks]

Sorry I haven't been online for a few days.

You're not boring me. What you're going through sounds extremely horrible and dangerous and I'm very worried for you. I think you need to urgently seek outside help.

I was just explaining that I think it would help both of us for you to make your own thread on the subject...
I know the boards are pretty empty which isn't exactly great. I might get my post moved to the agoraphobia forum but it looks like no one replies to threads there either.

And I didn't mean to sound flippant before. I know you don't get into a relationship with someone for no reason and that things are never black and white (plus I'm hardly a relationship expert), but if he's abusing you like that then your mental health is going to take a nosedive and you really should do anything you can to get support and get away. He's taken you away from the outside world and made you dependent on him which as you say is everything that an abuser does. I can only imagine what you go through. I hope his daughter has not been subject to abuse as well. I'd love to talk to you about this through PMs if that helps at all, but I don't think I'm the best person to advise you on these issues and think you need real-life support. x

[sparks]

Katjie: please let me know how you're doing -- I am worried about you!

[sparks]

Well, back here again. Who know if anyone will read this but it turns out the depression & MH stuff have all been caused by aspergers syndrome, which not a lot can be done about. The dissociation from the panic disorder is still so bad I constantly feel like things aren't real or like i'm not in my body and I can't move properly. Constantly terrified, I look totally zoned out all the time and people avoid me. No one can help or afford to care. Who knows what the hell I'm supposed to do. The depression was lessening enough recently that I could make a bit more sense of things and be able to make some positive steps but now it's all got impossible again. Just cannot cope. Have so many panic attacks in my sleep that wake me up as well. Just a lunatic with no hope I guess..?

[sparks]

I just feel like I'm in a never ending nightmare.