I guess this is my letter to whomever

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spikedvodka2
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Nov 07, 2016 7:12 pm

I guess this is my letter to whomever

Postby spikedvodka2 » Mon Nov 07, 2016 8:18 pm

Hi everyone,
I am a 19yr old F with PTSD, Depression and Panic Disorder. I have been struggling now for a very long time...
I couldnt tell you when it all started, maybe the bullying growing up but the first day I had my first attempt was when I was younger than 12 trying to OD on childerns advil because I felt a certain way and did not understand why. That eventually lead to cutting myself in grade 7, which my loving parents got help for me. It did not work. to skip forward a year I was held down in a closet and raped by a man older than me and has done this to multiple young women. I did not tell anyone about this encounter nor seeked help. (it led to my PTSD) Fast froward 1 more year and I entered my first relationship that went on for all of high school, he was abusive. after a long time and him wanting to I decided I was ready to have sex and so we did, in which I later discovered texts to his friends that were making fun of my body. I stayed...years of manipulation and doing/saying awful things to me. and one occasion where he pushed me off a bed which injured my shoulder. He broke up with me over text while I was in class, why you ask? because I defended myself for the first time in our relationship... after he belittled me to people also ganged up on me with now my ex friend telling me how awful I was and how ugly I was. I was devastated, through all this my depression kept down spiraling. A year later we got back together and it completley back fired on us. His grandpa had an accident and fell and ended up insanely ill. I tried to help but he ignored me for 3 wks. I called it off. I could not handle it and I felt bad but I needed to get out of there. Fast froward after I decided that I did not feel GOOD ENOUGH for anyone, so I slept around just because I wanted to feel something and get over the anxiety I had with my rape expierience. It made everything worse... I ended up in college ding great then all of a sudden im hysertical from the excrutiating emotional pain I was in. I ended up in the hospital. I did not feel better even after I left but I left because the girl who had cussed me out with my ex boyfriends little sister was in there with me.... I got out and dropped out of college. after months of being at home miserable I decided to go out with friends once more and then I met someone. He was the smartest, kindest, funniest, loving person I know. he swept me off my feet and just made me love him more than anyone else, I could not wish for a better partner in this life. We had been dating for awhile when I got pregnant. I was so scared and he was there for me 110% he went above and beyond for me. He took me to the hospital and asked questions and made sure I was ok. He worked a pretty demanding job at the time and he still would drive an hour and a half from work to be at EVERY doctors apointment no matter now small it was. I couldnt have asked for someone better in my life. I ended up having to get an abortion due to our financial reasons, where we were at in life and the fetus was not doing well. He/she would have died eventually. I had it done and it was not as bad as I thought my boyfriend was there through it all. I am still very sad about the fetus as I wish it could have been healthy and I could have kept it. All I have ever dreamed of is being a mother. I just pictured waking up holding my brand new baby and looking at my boyfriend and just knowing that the little one was ours and that it was a symbol of how we loved eachother. The other night I had a dream about the baby... I changed my mind and decided to keep it and delievered him (in the dream) He has big bluey green eyes like his dad and my facial features. He was the most GORGEUS baby I have ever seen. Then I woke up and am so sad and I desperatley want that baby boy, who I had named Landon and he just was perfect in every way and I am so attached to the dream its insane. I have been fighting it for awhile, I dont talk about it to anyone because it is to painful for me. Now to speed things up yesterday was my 19th birthday and my lovely boyfriend showed up decked to the nines look handsome as all hell with a bottle of whiskey (your legal when your 19 here) and I was excited, then drops a bomb on me, he has a job interview for night shifts 5x a week then have school ALL day the next day. I will never see him and it broke m heart and I talked to him because he needs a certain GPA to stay inschool or he will be kicked out. "Just passing" isnt an option to him. He will be pushing himself too much and he could put himself in medical/ dangerous situations like falling asleep at the wheel. Worst of all im scared I will lose him over this... I cant handle it. I cant stop crying and im frustrated and angry and I have to wait until tommorw night to find out. I dont think I wanna see him after his interview if he gets hired but then I would not see him for months at a time probably.. because I have work and school too. So I dont know if this will break us up and hes my happy place and my safety net and im so scared. I love him and for once its so real and im happy. but this could ruin it and he doesnt see it. My medication is mkaing me groggy and out of it I take 5 pills of the same medication its crazy. Anyways, biggest problem is maybe losing my boyfriend to his new job. I dont want to see him fail or get hurt. I myself, do not want to hurt eachother if this gets to much... I really cant lose him to something like this... I have confidence but im scared as hell. I dont want to lose him, I think he is the love of my life. I was the girl who never fell inlove or got attached and now I am and it sucks.... well I guess the rant is over. I just feel like all these sitations I describe just make everything worse for me.

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