hi

[chocolatebutterfly]

Hi guys.

I've had depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, am in the middle of another round and wanted to feel part of a community rather than struggling with it alone. So starting to read and post here. One time when I got really depressed a few years back I joined another forum and it really helped, and I felt like I was helping others as well as getting support. (nobody posts there any more though).
It would be really nice to make a few connections online. Seeing others expressing similar things is really helpful. And I've a fair amount of experiences myself that maybe other people would get something out of reading about.

It all started in my early teens with crippling anxiety and horrible pre-menstrual low moods. I didn't seek help until I went to university, where I did CBT and it was fantastic. But, it only took me so far - I still felt like I was useless and worthless, even though I knew it was illogical. I refused antidepressants. Then I lost it in my mid-20s and went on paxil and wellbutrin, plus seeing a family therapist, and I thought I was fixed - I was suddenly really productive, fulfilled, had a normal range of emotions. But then I moved countries and the dr took me off the meds, and I went into another depression. Then I got referred to a psychologist and put back on medication, citalopram. Things were good for a while, I got engaged, and we decided to try for a baby so I came off my meds - and not long after the wedding I was unable to function with depression. Then I was referred for mindfulness-based cognitive therapy, which was really useful, and put back on citalopram, and things stabilised. Then my dr decided that if I was going to get pregnant, sertraline would be better, so I transitioned to that, but I got quite down and really anxious again. So back to the citalopram. I feel OK on it, but I have never felt as good or as alive as I did when on paroxetine and wellbutrin...

What brings me here now - I have been taking citalopram for years and had 2 successful pregnancies on it. But after my second baby, I found things hard to cope with. It started when the breastfeeding nurses kept telling me I was doing something wrong as the baby's growth slowed - and even though I knew they were wrong (I teach medical students how to interpret growth charts) and that according to the guidelines there was no reason for concern about her, everything they said got to me, and I got more and more anxious. With a toddler and new baby, there wasn't a lot of sleeping (in fact hadn't been since my first was born 2 years before). Family stuff was happening too - sudden death of my aunt, worsening condition of my parents (I have no other family and try to look out for them from a distance, mother terminally ill, both have psych issues). And it was quite isolating being home all the time, there is not much of a community for kids around here and no family nearby. Then when I went back to work, things started to crumble. I just couldn't manage working full-time, plus kids, plus house, still waking several times a night to feed the baby. Any time I got I just spent sleeping so no real quality time with my husband and no friends. So I've slipped into a tar pit again, and I don't know how to get out.

I now have a therapist at a post-natal depression centre, and a psychiatrist who has given me mirtazepine in addition to the citalopram. The new meds, plus no longer breastfeeding, means I'm getting more sleep. So things got better for a while. But now I'm slipping down again. It feels like walking through mud, it's hard even to get the energy to stand up a lot of the time. My husband is great and is doing a lot of the childcare but I feel I'm putting too much stress and pressure on him. I am incredibly irritable and have outbursts of pure rage (not something I've had in previous depressions nearly as much). I feel trapped between two rocks that are slowly squeezing together. I am terrified of harming my children emotionally by being depressed, but I miss them when I'm not with them. I feel like I should be able to cope like everyone else, and I feel like depression is a moral failing in me, I'm just not trying hard enough to get over it. I know people who have lost children, or have had other terrible things happen to them, I have a wonderful life - and yet somehow I'm messing it up.

Well, that's my story. Hope to get to know some of you and fight depression and anxiety together.

[aj332211]

Hi, your story really resonates with me. I also have suffered from depression and anxiety since i could remember. I had my first baby 6 months ago and the post partum was very bad so I got on anti depressants. I had a great therapist I was seeing and really felt like I was making progress but then moved across the country and have not had a chance to find someone to replace her. Having a baby, being sleep deprived, moving across the country and running my own business is starting to feel too much for me and sometimes I feel like it may be better to just end it all. I also have a supportive husband to takes over most of the night feedings but really feel that things will never get better. I just want to feel "normal" again but I also feel alone because depression is so tabu to talk about and especially post baby I feel like there is a lot of judgement on mothers who suffer post partum. Thanks for sharing your story.