hi everyone

[pololo]

i dont cry. i dont complain. but i have to share somewhere...
i fell into the depression state again.
it may sound pathetic but i dont see any meaning in anything.
need to get well asap.

family stopped supporting me financially
as something happened
that made me realize i dont want any connections with them.
its not like some silly argument, its a definite end.

i am physically able to work more
but all i do is sleep
and loath myself.

constantly feeling this pressure on my chest,
like some breath of life energy that was there the whole time
is missing now.

i really am trying.
little tasks, B vitamins, working out, trying to look better..
i even have a job but its a part time and its not enough

without a family i cannot have a wedding if i wanted to.
i could invite distant family but that would be weird
we're not even close
and my partner's family doesn't know

then i still study and this takes a lot of time.
i dont really know how /when!!/ to provide for myself.

i cant take pills anymore
ive been on pills and
honestly i haven't been able to work
it could be lack of dopamine or something..

i was even thinking of suicide
but im too self conscious for this
the thought of reactions of others after my death is just humiliating

well,
if youre ready to die,
you can as well try taking over the world
it doesnt matter does it?

if i only had the energy
or drive

i hate the world
for being so majestic and uneffable
ill never be able to grasp
i cant feel the slightest joy of anything besides the first morning cig

and my life is so small and meaningless
i have to get better

just to get more of the life
please help.
i dont love anybody anymore.
i cant do it

i never liked to do anything
ive allways done things to impress others
to show off my skills that i gained just to show off

but i no longer care
and im empty

how do i start?