lost, not found

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lostintx
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:18 am
Location: Texas

lost, not found

Postby lostintx » Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:30 am

Hello everyone. My name is Ann. I'm 29 years old and if you cant tell, from texas. Now, at first I was skeptical about what I was feeling, figured I was too old to actually be "depressed". I mean its childs play, right? Well, as I'm sure most of you are saying to yourself in your heads, you're never too old.

I've never really been the popular one throughout my life. I was always the one everyone could count on to be there. for anything. regardless of the ramifications it had on my life or mind. never has that been more apparent than recently. now I've struggled with depression almost my whole life. I thought I had fought it off when I joined the military, but that only intensified the feelings. I started dating a girl and while she was deployed, I started dabbling in self harm. I was lucky then. I had friends near me who did everything they could to help me through it. was even made to go to the local military shrink, which, for all intensive purposes, sucks ass. the girlfriend and I patched things up, but it was never the same. she was a compulsive cheater. always felt like I wasn't giving her "enough" of what she wanted. she just kept going to other people. long story short, 8 years later, more than I want to count of times I've been cheated on, hit, lied to, belittled, I stuck with her. I was in love. then she left. she went to help her mom move in another state and ended up staying. she came back for her stuff, and never came back. that was two months ago. it's been downhill on a jet rocket ever since. she's dating someone she cheated on me with and who used to be a friend of mine. they're "in love". needless to say, through all this, I still give her what she wants. money, pay for her truck, her rent. I even gave her money she used to come see said new girl. but I cant stop. I'm still so much in love with her.

that doesn't even skim my problems. I'm a workaholic because I can barely afford to make ends meat. I don't sleep, I stopped eating. I refuse to drink because it only makes the pain ten times worse. so, I guess that's how I say, hi, I'm ann. nice to meet all of you.

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defeated
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Postby defeated » Wed Jun 08, 2016 7:27 am

Hey Ann :)

Welcome to the forums, its nice to have you here. And thank you for your service.

It seems like this girl has become really toxic for you and has been for a long time. I know sometimes when heartbroken we tend to hang on to the tiniest bit even if its bad for us. But tbh, imo, I would cut contact with her and try to move on. Easier said than done of course but I doesn't seem like she has your best interest. As cliche as it sounds, it does take time to move on from such things. But, I truly believe all contact should be cut for a while for you to do so. Have you considered seeking counseling just to have someone to vent to?

Hope you're doing okay *hugs*

lostintx
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:18 am
Location: Texas

Postby lostintx » Wed Jun 08, 2016 10:12 am

Thank uou for the welcome :) .You're definitely preaching to the choir. I've been trying to work up cutting contact. Removed all memory of her from the house, deleted all social networking, but I just can't seem to block the number.

I've talked to friends, but of course they are all biased. And everyone else, just shrugs it off. I have been considering cunseliing for some time it's just with my hectic schedule (I work overnight) it's hard to find time :/

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defeated
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Postby defeated » Wed Jun 08, 2016 1:29 pm

I think you will cut contact when you're ready. Its one of those things that you just wake up one day and decide enough is enough. Ah it sucks that your schedule makes it hard to see a counselor. But its good that you've wanted to for a while. Again, its another one of those situations when you will do it when you're ready. Trust yourself to know that you deserve better and that only you can cut out that negativity from your life. I hope you're able to see that sometime soon. :( *hugs*

lostintx
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:18 am
Location: Texas

Postby lostintx » Thu Jun 09, 2016 12:40 am

That's the one major thing I have issues with. If I deserve to be happy, if I deserve to be loved, then why wouldn't she love me? Why is she happy with her new gf and I'm stuck here in this box surrounded by memories and tears? I mean, I get what you're saying, it will happen when I'm ready, I totally do. But I'm ready to feel like I'm worth something again. I'm ready to sleep and not wake up crying every morning. I'm ready to stop replaying back our life and what I could have done to make it better for her. It's like, you know when you scratch a dvd and the dvd player refuses to continue playing normally past that point. That's where I am. Makes me want to just throw the dvd and player in the trash where it belongs.

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defeated
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Postby defeated » Thu Jun 09, 2016 4:46 pm

I completely understand when you feel stuck in a relationship that didn't work out. You play everything back in your head and try to see where you went wrong or what you could have done better. But I've found in my personal experiences that in some cases it was NOT my fault. Sometimes it was both of ours, or sometimes its the other person. I don't think you will ever know 'why' she doesn't love you, or even if shes capable of truly loving someone.

Point is, as harsh as it sounds... she has moved on. Good riddance I say. When you look back at your relationship do you also acknowledge all the hurt she has caused you? Sometimes we skip over that and just think about the "good times". I think deep down you know she is NOT good for you, but you've given so much that you don't understand why it didn't work and you blame yourself which is probably not the case due to her past behavior.

It sounds to me like you are mourning her and your relationship or the idea of what you wanted your relationship to be. And that is okay to do, but you also have to help yourself along in changing things to help you move on. Does she still contact you regularly? That is not good if thats the case. Are you seeing friends and trying to keep busy etc.. Maybe jump into the dating scene eventually? Just some ideas. Thing is, I am guilty of this as well, sometimes we find comfort in our sadness and we stay there for a lot longer than intended. Sometimes its easier to just be sad and blame ourselves rather than get up and try again. But ultimately like I said, if you are ready then its time to try to do things differently and hope for a different outcome.

I must apologize if I am too blunt in this post, I'm just passionate about it. I do not mean to be rude or tell you what to do. Just my two cents :) *lots of hugs* Tell me what you think please <3.

GlassHeart
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri May 27, 2016 8:17 am
Location: United States

lost, not found

Postby GlassHeart » Thu Jun 09, 2016 6:01 pm

Wow. This really pertains a lot to what I am going through too! After I was betrayed by someone I loved 10 years ago, only this year did I find someone I was willing to have feelings for. I was probably the one taking the friendship more seriously, since after I became upset and jealous about something this guy backed off. We saw each other a few times since then but he was so cold to me the last time we met, and now we don't communicate hardly at all. I had to distance myself when I felt my feelings were too strong and were not being reciprocated. I had held out hope for a long time that there was something I could do to change that would make him come back around - and love me. I was willing to grant him the time.
He and I confided a lot in each other, and used to be in constant contact after I had to leave town. Now I miss his communication, and I really miss the feeling knowing that someone cared!
He used to talk about things we would do in the future and it gave me something to look forward to. Now there is nothing but a very empty place that hope used to fill.
I do ruminate over it, and since the loss of employment I have a lot of time on my hands. I feel he has found someone else to confide in and take up his time and affection. I can't stand the thought of that, but I am forced to accept it. It hurts so much!
I am trying to accept the fact he does not love me and has moved on but it hurts like hell. I am in a very small town with very few single people and very isolated, so I feel very alone! I'm not that picky anymore, either!
I can barely hang on because this only compounds other problems I am having. I stopped dieting and going to the gym. I was trying to improve myself, but I feel so rejected that I don't see any use in trying. I don't think anyone will accept me despite the fact I have a lot of love to give. I know I am a good person. But men have often made me feel I don't measure up to the competition - that I am not good enough. It gets harder as one gets older!

I am in a small town where I don't belong and I feel completely lost. I feel so bad that I don't really care anymore. I ought to try pulling myself out of this but what I really want to do is drink a bottle of wine and go to bed, and not care about waking up.
Having to accept a break up with someone you love is not easy. It hurts like hell. They say it takes time. I wish there were some magic formula to getting over it. But there isn't. I am in so much pain right now, I don't know how much longer I can endure. I am 45 with a health condition. I won't live to see the day that someone will love me.
I have to say to anyone who is younger than I, or in better health - you still have time. You still have time to improve yourself, find out who you are and get on with your life. You still have a chance that in your future you could find someone willing to love you, as you have love to give.
Before I met this man, I didn't think I had any love left to give. Ever. But now, what I really don't have...is time.

lostintx
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jun 07, 2016 3:18 am
Location: Texas

Postby lostintx » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:05 am

I know the feeling. I had to stop drinking cold turkey just so I wouldn't wind up getting wasted and never waking up, although, it feels like I should just do it more and more every day.

I agree, I wish there was some magic voodoo that one can do and just, stop the pain and the hurt and the memories. I latch on to all the good points of our relationship that I convince myself to forget about the fact that she really isn't good for me. I mean, I'm not blind to the fact that she uses me like a her little puppet and when she's done, or when things get to real for her, she puts me back on her shelf till she's ready to play with me again. it sucks, but I'm addicted to the misery. I saw a saying, I'd rather fight with you forever then live without you. that's how I fell, I'd rather be the one she depends on then never get to see or hear from her again. and that's just not right. I know I deserve to be with someone who will love me for me and treat me like the queen of their heart, but all I want at this point is for her to feel like that again if she ever did before.

she called today. we talked like we used to. she even admitted it was nice cus she hadn't talked like that in a while. her **** gf is there with her "visiting" and she wants to tell me she hasn't talked like that in a long time? makes me wonder if I should continue the pain or just, make her realize what she lost she lost forever. I'm torn, because hearing her voice just fills me with so much feels.

we both just need to put our shoulder to the wheel and keep up the fight. it's easier said than done, obviously, because I find myself looking at self harm as a daily ritual more than anything else. but I have to believe there is a girl out there just waiting to be my everything. at least, I hope there is.

GlassHeart
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri May 27, 2016 8:17 am
Location: United States

Lost, not found

Postby GlassHeart » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:49 pm

Hi Ann,
I know it must be difficult to accept the situation you're in. I feel like I can relate to the pain you feel.

The person I fell for won't call me or contact me at all and I feel total abandonment. I hurt so much I don't know how I can keep on like this. Last night I went to bed drinking. For the first time in my life I woke up this morning and reached for the bourbon. I have never woke up drinking, but it helped to numb the pain. I have severe hypertension (my relationship with my parents caused me so much stress I developed high blood pressure) and I skipped my medication today.
The only thing keeping me alive is the prospect that I might be moving in 2 weeks to my home city though I am worried it will fall through (the lease is in my father's name because I could not meet income requirements - I could lose the place if they find out the place is for me). I plan to look for work again once I get settled. If it wasn't for that I would prepare for the end.
I might try to venture out to pick up a book someone recommended and hope I can psyche myself up to be out in public.
I've been considering self harm. I don't know what it will take to overcome these feelings of despair and absolute loneliness.

Before I met the person I fell for, I had my mind set that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. So my feelings for him were very confusing. I think by the time I realized what I wanted I had made so many mistakes that the friendship was not worth salvaging. And I blame myself rather than considering his situation and state of mind at the time.
I know that with the grief and despair I am feeling, it would not be wise to go out seeking a new relationship, though I feel so isolated and alone.
I am going to pick up the book "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm. I will let you know what I think of it as I hope to be back on this forum.

Sometimes, I personally think love is not all it's cracked up to be. I build up romantic ideals in my mind but when the situation does not pan out I get disappointed. I had shut out the possibility of loving someone for many years. When I felt ready to let someone in I get abandoned again and realize I am no better than I was years ago. I feel like I must be crazy and it just doesn't stop.

I know it's hard. You are going to be searching for ways to get yourself through the day and night. I am not one to judge. I just hope for you a better tomorrow. They say that time will lessen the sting as it goes by. I wish it could be sooner, for you and I, and all of us hurting like this.

GlassHeart
Posts: 26
Joined: Fri May 27, 2016 8:17 am
Location: United States

Postby GlassHeart » Sat Jun 11, 2016 1:22 pm

I am reading The Art of Loving, by Erich Fromm, and it is helping me acknowledge some things about myself and the concept of loving someone. I recommend this book to you, because I think it is helpful to me and hope it will be to you, too.
I am trying to get out more, reach out, though it is difficult to make connection with people in such a small town where it is culturally different than what I am accustomed to. Everyone my age is married with kids, and they don't normally associate with single, childless people, even though I am open to making friends with all sorts of people. I try not to be picky or prejudiced. So I am feeling a void with the loss of my friendship and my love even more because of my isolation.
I'm trying to get out of the feelings of self harm. I see my new counselor this Tuesday.
Try as you can to make it through day by day. This will require some toughness and it's easy to slide back into old patterns. (I still haven't made it back to the gym, and I broke my diet big time!) It's easy to turn to whatever is closest to try and ease the pain and fill the void. I hope you will consider this loss of your relationship a learning experience that you will take forward as you gain more maturity and sense of self. It is a journey we all take through life that is endless. Hopefully you will glean strength from this and the outcome will make you a stronger and better person!
I hope I am able to help - I can identify with what you are dealing with, and this forum has proven helpful to me also. Best wishes to you!


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