Just losing it in NC

[Mrs Syzygy]

Hi all!

I am just out of ideas for dealing with my husband.

We have been married for almost 29 years (wow) and have three wonderful kids. For the last couple years he has been "depressed". I put it in quotes because I am intimately familiar with depression, and his behavior doesn't seem to fit. Sure, he comes home from work and sits in his recliner all evening, and sleeps away most of the weekend, but - he still really enjoys watching sports on tv, and loves to travel to sporting events. And he laughs all the time. Everyone else thinks he is fine, maybe a bit "tired".

He sees a therapist and he has a good doctor (we recently got him a machine for his sleep apnea) and he takes a bunch of meds, for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and depression. He has become obese. I feel like he isn't even trying. He has not made any changes or improvements in the last year.

But the worst part is that he doesn't communicate. I didn't even realize there was a "problem" until I started getting calls that he wasn't paying the bills. That led me to uncover all the other things he was not taking care of.

I'm trying to hold it all together, and take care of my two teenage boys, but .... I just can't do this much longer.

wow - thanks for reading all that....

[100footpole]

Hi,

I have no advice for you ... but I am interested in what you think could be possible next steps. How many different plans can you think of?

[Mrs Syzygy]

Hi!

I suppose one of my problems is that I always have SO many ideas of different ways of doing everything. But this is my husband and my marriage, so I need to remember that I have to be very careful how I proceed.

I did go with him to visit his previous therapist, who was basically a "cheerleader" (good for you!, good to hear it!) but didn't offer him any real advice or skills. I picked a different therapist for him, who actually gives him readings and assignments, so that is good. But it is very frustrating, because it has been over a year and I haven't seen any change at all in my husband. And of course everything is falling apart around him.

The house needs repairs, the front yard looks like the house is abandoned, the back yard is a jungle, and I know we can't afford to hire anyone to take care of these things. I can't do it and I know my husband isn't going to.

I mentioned, half seriously, that I was going to head to the beach, but my boys got really upset and thought that meant that I was "leaving them". I just wanted to get away for a while. But I never mentioned that again.

But when my "depressed" husband suddenly decided to go on a long road trip (which we had not planned and could not afford) that was fine, and he took a week off of work and had a great time. I am so confused!

Basically, I am really confused. And I'm sure I am not explaining myself very well.

But thank you for responding!

[defeated]

Hey there Mrs Syzygy,

I'm sorry you're situation is causing you a lot of frustration. I totally get why some aspects of your husbands behavior makes it seem as though he's not depressed. But we have to try and remember that depression is very personal and everyone shows it in different ways. Also it sounds like he has a lot of health issues, that can also be contributing to his lack of motivation.

I am sure you are trying your best, hang in there. *hugs*

[Mrs Syzygy]

Thanks for the response!

I definitely think his meds are causing serious problems with him physically and mentally. When he was first prescribed the high blood pressure and high cholesterol meds I really thought it was just a short term "band aid" and that he would be able to get those problems under control with diet and exercise.

I was very supportive at first, helping him make and pack his lunches, and mixing up healthy granola for snacks, and keeping unhealthy food out of the kitchen, but it didn't seem to make a difference. Then I stumbled upon the bags of fast food trash in the bin outside. I can't make him eat well - he is an adult with a car and he can grab crap to eat whenever he wants. He didn't want to give up his fast food habit.

So now, five years later, he is about 50 pounds heavier, and doing worse than ever. His docs won't change his meds because they are "working", i.e. keeping his lab results "normal".

My DH says - "these are the same meds my Dad took". Yes dear, but he was 75 and you started them when you were 50.

We had some fun plans for his retirement, but now it looks like he won't make it that long.....

[Mrs Syzygy]

I signed in as Dr Mrs Syzygy
and now I am Mrs Syzygy

how and why?????

[100footpole]

Can't imagine what happened to your name ... this website is a mystery to me. I've never been able to set up a signature for my posts, I get to the screen do what I think needs to be done, and nothing happens.

I plan on checking in with my wife to make sure she isn't as frustrated as you. What I'm getting from your posts is that you think your husband does not see the same things as you. That is a joke between my wife and I since we often have very different memories about who did what the previous week.

I'll have to let you know how in synch my wife and I were before I hazard any guesses about what your husband may be thinking ...

[Mrs Syzygy]

Hi there (wouldn't touch you with a) 100 foot pole!

I asked my DH about the fast food, and he admitted that he just enjoys it, because it makes him "feel better" for a little while. So I explained that it's obviously not really the FOOD that this is about, so - what IS eating at him?

He doesn't know.

That is his favorite answer - "I don't know".
When asked anything about himself -
why did you....
how do you feel about.....

And his second favorite answer is, "I haven't yet, but I will."
When asked about bills, the yard, the grill, his mom, his brother, just about anything he needs to DO.

He is SO uncommunicative that I took to writing him notes. But he never responded, he didn't even acknowledge the notes.
So, I started writing little "quizzes" like kids in grade school - check a box, Yes or No! And asked him questions.
He did complete that and return it, but the answers were not very revealing (IDK, Maybe, I plan to do that at some point).

Most recently I gave him a stack of note cards, with one question or topic or thought on each one. I titled them "Talking Points". I was hoping he would choose one or more to discuss with me (or his therapist). When I asked him about them, he said he still has them, but only read through them once.

I still think we could work all of this out, if he would just start TALKING to me. But he doesn't know how, I guess.

And the kids want to know what is wrong with MOM, because DAD seems just FINE! He laughs, jokes, watches sports with them, plans trips, and generally seems in a good mood.

I sure hope you can communicate with your wife better than this....

[windsong]

Mrs Syzygy

I tried to answer this earlier but I answered in the wrong place and had to delete it so here goes my second try.

I understand your frustration, and I understand to you or the kids he may not seem so depressed.

A lot of times we put on acts for our kids, for our friends or neighbors, or loved ones while on the inside we are secretly crying.

The food, may be comfort food right now, while it may not be the issue, it may be the way he is coping with it. It could also be because he knows he isn't up to cooking.

The trip he took and yet you weren't able to take yours. I'm sorry about that because it must seem your needs aren't important. Its possible he took the trip because he was trying to do something to improve his mood and trying to get better.

The procrastinating with bills could be sign of depression and not laziness. When a person is depressed its hard to be motivated to do anything. Have you maybe encouraged that he seek help here or in the chat rooms? There is actually a motivation room even that might have tips.

When people ask me how I feel I often say I don't know or don't even answer. Part of it is because sometimes I don't honestly know. I'm too scared to look closely because I am afraid of what the answer might be or I'm embarrassed. Other times I say I don't know or pretend to be okay so those around me don't worry, which in turn sometimes causes them to worry more.

Please don't think I'm taking your husbands side its clear that his actions and how he doesn't act is taking a toll on you and there for your family. I am glad you sought us out. Sometimes its hard to help depressed loved ones with out ending up depressed or stressed ourselves. Are you seeking any help or therapy for yourself? They might be able to offer coping strategies for the toll this is taking on you.

[Mrs Syzygy]

Hi Stars!

I think my husband really does not know what he is feeling or why. He has never been very introspective (which has worked out okay since I am super-introspective).

I'm sure there are events and emotions that he has buried down deep that are triggering his problems. I have warned him that he will probably "get worse before he gets better" because one of the goals of his therapy has to be to uncover all that old baggage.

I have been in therapy, off and on, for most of my adult life, but I'm not talking to anyone right now, primarily because both of my docs were emphasizing how "I can only change myself" and that my husband "won't change until he is ready" and I got that message but it wasn't particularly helpful.

I could be wrong, of course, but the guy who is usually here to tell me when I am wrong, just isn't.

I am the brilliant creative "loose cannon" in the pair, and he is supposed to be the calm but reassuring grounded voice of reason. I miss that a lot.

[100footpole]

Mrs. Syzygy.

The biggest problem in my marriage is my linearity ... which my wife sometimes sees as controlling or boring. For instance I want to have a schedule and I constantly make lists. My wife likes to "get things done", we joke that she "putters" while I work, and then try to determine who gets more done. We work best when we work as a team, but we don't do that as much as we used to ... goals (money, insurance, retirement) have become harder to accomplish then when we were younger.

We have gone to couples therapy twice during our marriage, both times have opened up the channels of communication, but my wife becomes tired of the process and expense. Her family is catholic so there is a reluctance to air dirty laundry in front of strangers, and since we are both non-religious a priest is out.

This statements is true for me too:

both of my docs were emphasizing how "I can only change myself" and that my husband "won't change until he is ready" and I got that message but it wasn't particularly helpful.

A lot of the best advice on here is on ways to deal with the anxiety of deciding what you can change and learning to live with what you can't change.

For me, your statement "I miss that a lot." really resonated with me. I have been working hard at trying to recover the magic of when our marriage was accomplishing rather than sustaining ... I don't think the issue is one of methods so much as goals.

[Mrs Syzygy]

Thanks for the response!

"recover the magic"....
I really think that is too much to hope for at this point.
Most days I feel like he doesn't even like me, but I may be interpreting him incorrectly because I have no idea what he is thinking.

Since he has no idea what he is feeling or why, there is a chance that he will discover/uncover that it is all MY fault. I'm not easy to live with, and we have certainly had our share of struggles, but I certainly never meant to harm him or push him into a depression.

Perhaps I should mention that I am bipolar, and I have been hospitalized for it, and I have also had some serious health issues that had me "out of the rotation" for long periods of time. He stuck by me through all of this, but I also always worked very hard to get better.

I think just "recover being a couple" would be a more realistic goal for us. We are barely roommates right now, and any conversations we have are only on the most mundane topics, like - we need pasta, the car needs to get inspected, one kid needs a dress shirt for graduation, the other kid needs a check for school, etc.