I'm new here but not new to depression

[mommyreeves]

I am a 29 yo mother of a 14 month old son. I am married and have been married for about 5 1/2 years. I guess I can say I honestly have battled depression and anxiety ever since I was around 15 yo but wasn't fully diagnosed with it until I got married and was around 23 yo. I have had my ups and downs and being adopted meant that I never really got any medical hx. from my birth parents...only that I was taken into Social Services when I was 6 mo. Lived with my foster parents until I was 18 mo and my mom and dad were divorced by the time I was 5...my mother remarried when I was 7 and I guess you'd say I had a "normal" life. It didn't really "hit" me (depression and anxiety) until I was on my own and married and knew that "something wasn't right" - that was 23 years of age. Now at 29, I am a mom and a wife and live beside my parents who's health is failing. I suffer from migraines and my DH hasn't been really supportive of me for the past 2-3 years..with the exception of when I was pregnant and had the most horrible migraines I've ever experienced. DH and I tried to conceive for 4 years and were told that we would never have a chance to get pregnant unless we utilized the IVF with ICSI method...20K is what they were asking. I felt so hopeless, so lost, and then, three days later, I found out we were pregnant with our son (we were pregnant with twins, but lost one of them at 10 weeks). I couldn't have been any happier even through my miserable pregnancy...My son was 10 lbs 2 oz and 22 inches long at birth and I had had a C-Section and was really wanting to breastfeed while in the hospital but then when we came home, I wanted to bottle feed b/c that way I could get back on my migraine meds and my regular anti-depressant. I felt that I wasn't supported through the making of the decision as to stop BF by my Dh and the nurse there in the hospital said that it looked as if I was already starting to show signs of PPD. (This was day 3 of my 4 day stay there). I thought, "no, I'm not going to suffer from that" but here I am and have received to formal treatment except from my headache doctor who has put me on several different drugs to help with my depression and to help keep the migraines at bay...but it seems as though they aren't working at this point. I've been on a new RX for about 2 weeks. I feel like I am getting worse, like I don't belong here anymore and that my son and DH would be better off without me. I have these feelings a lot and today is really a "down day" for me.
DH and I have had plenty of problems in our relationship - he's from TX and I am from NC and when we married he was stationed at Camp Lejeune - I informed him that I would move with him to TX when he got out but then my parents health starting failing and so we ended up in Raleigh for about 2 years. He (and I still believe that he does today) holds resentment towards me especially since we have had our son and his family doesn't get to see DS but twice a year. We have struggled financially forever and he just recently got laid off 2 weeks ago and was the sole breadwinner in our family since we decided for me to stay at home with DS. We have said the most hurtful things to one another and I just don't feel that he's in-love with me anymore and I feel so alone in the fact that I can't share my feelings and thoughts with him about my depression- - and everyone says "you need to speak to a counselor" - well, that may be so true, however,when you don't have the money to afford one, it makes it like an impossible task to take on. Over the past 2 weeks, DH and DS have gotten really close and I guess I can say that I'm jealous...when DS was 12 months and we were having his b-day party, DH just walked out about 10 minutes before it started. - DH has also suffered from depression and I feel that his way of dealing with things is by "keeping them in" and not communicating to me or to anyone for that matter. It has made the past year or so really tough b/c we, I feel, have lost touch with each other and I have gradually gotten more depressed and, even though he wouldn't admit it, I know he is as well. He has been back on his anti-depressant and takes it "when he remembers" so basically, I feel like I am in this struggle all by myself and my parents cant' take the burden of my issues and obviously, I don't feel that my husband is there for me to just give me a hug and say "it'sgoing to be okay, we are in this together" - I guess because he doesn't feel like we ARE in this together. I feel like I have failed at being a mom, the only thing I wanted to be in life, I didn't care for a career, anything else, but to be a mom but when my emotions start running over, I can't be anything but sad and want to cry and sleep.
I feel like I have gotten worse in the past month or so, I can't eat, I may eat a bowl of cereal in the evening for supper and I may have something else mid afternoon, but no breakfast and I find no interest in anything here lately except for my school - which I'm goin back to get my degree in Early Childhood Dev. after receiving my A.A.S. in Nursing and was an RN for several years. WHere have I gone wrong, what's wrong with me. If you have made it this far in my post, thank you...I just feel so alone and feel as if I have no where to turn. Please help me.

[hey-its-ok]

Hey mommyreeves

it may not seem so, and you may not feel it, but i believe you are more important to your family than you may think, i don't think your son would feel that you are not important... i know, sometimes depression can make life difficult and make your job as a wife and mom very difficult... but ... i don't know what to say... i don't know how you treat your family, so i don't know what you may be doing right or wrong... but in any case... just do your job as a mom... love your child, look after his needs, give him plenty of love and hugs and attention.. guide him, teach him right from wrong... standard stuff, you know...

i just wish you all the best... my thoughts and prayers are with you...

[Emotional_77]

I'm not so sure what to say, just wanted to give you a hug and let you know that we are here for you.