searching people who live despite hardships

[Ayrton Senna]

Hello, everybody. I'm 34 aged man, who is depressed. I've felt the lack of communication, which guided me here.

I don't know what can I tell someone, what can I share with someone, I don't even know if I want to. Could be I'm just completely empty. Anyway, I want to improve my life and I hope to get to know people from all over the world who have the same problem. Creative people who are able to laugh at themselves, who are able to refuse from the lifestyle which is subordinated to the depression.

[4EverMe]

Hi Ayrton,
Welcome to the forum! I'm so glad you decided to post here.

I'm just a few years older than you, and found this site in June of last year. (I think) The time just seems to have flown by...

So, you appreciate people who can kinda step back and laugh at themselves? That's totally me! No matter how dire a situation gets, or what kind of personal crisis I face, I will often find humor in the craziest things. It's like standing apart from myself for a moment, analyzing things, and then I can't stop giggling!
Perhaps this is a result of my upbringing. I come from a family with a "wild and crazy" sense of humor. I also believe that it's a facet of my personality. Because I tend to analyze a situation from a variety of different angles, it's hard NOT to find the humor in things!
For laughter, I'm grateful; Maybe this is why I still
possess a shred of my sanity.
But, it is God I give the most credit to.

You mentioned that you've stopped communicating very much?
I'm in the same boat. For me, it's anxiety that causes me to want to isolate. Sometimes, I have a difficult time leaving my own home...then I find it healing to go somewhere with a friend.

Do you know what type of depression you have? Is it caused by a chemical imbalance? Or, by anything going on in particular? Only answer if you feel comfortable doing so. I'm not trying to step on your toes...Just letting you know that I'm listening....

[Ayrton Senna]

Hi, 4everMe!

I really appreciate your answer to my topic, now I feel better 'cause I've realized that somebody's listening to me at this forum.

I've always lived looking at the world through the melancholia. I had a number of diseases in my early childhood, I was a quiet child, I was too quiet in comparison with my mates. I had become an adult but I remained the same person. Probably, my depression really has chemical roots. Also, I got several head injuries.

For today I live with my mother, who has an incurable disease. I don't have anything else but my stupid work in the first half of a day and my computer in the second one. I mean, I don't have any friends, I don't have a partner. I feel myself separated from other people, I can't feel the same as they do. Actually, I concider myself as an utterly serious, taciturn person and I haven't laughed out loud for a long time.

The depression is a subjective suffering, we can't measure it. We even can't compare correctly our inner hell and cheerful lives of surrounding people. It's impossible to say who lives better. I suppose you're really strong person if you're able to laugh at yourself. Frankly speaking, I'm too serious sometimes..

[no_answer]

Everyone is having an incurable decease. Everyone is dying, only at different rates. The difference between us and them, who are (and/or seem) to be happy is that they are not aware of (and/or not displaying) that knowledge. We cannot be like them, because we don't want to be blind or fake.

There is nothing wrong with us, no more than there is nothing wrong with them. There is nothing chemically flawed with us. We are just seeing what we aren't supposed to see: the futility of it all.

Yet, we continue living and posting, while they are blissfully unaware. We rock! We are surviving, yet suffering.

Thank you for your honest post. I completely relate to it. I lost hope of finding anybody to relate to, like I'm the last animal of my species left alive in the world of look-alike different ones.

[4EverMe]

Hi there, Ayrton,
Yes, I'm truly listening!
The interesting thing about this site is that people tend to gravitate toward those they're curious about, and/or those they feel something in common with. Your post reminded me some of myself in that you're a serious type of person who's not a 'social butterfly.' I'm the type of person who would usually sprout those wings after a few cold ones!
It would help to relieve any social awkwardness or anxiety I felt in crowded places...yeah, I'd definitely shed my cocoon to wind up being the life of the party!
Otherwise, I'm usually quiet, serious and introspective. People usually credit me for being a good listener, my sense of humor...and my ability to boast about what people credit me for the most. Ha ha.
This reminds me- thank you for your compliment on that I must be a really strong person. I'm also honest, so I will confess that your compliment was valid....

Well, you DID state that you haven't laughed out loud in a long time. I just thought I'd add some silliness to my response.
To your being "utterly serious," I can relate. It's the being utterly and undeniably crazy that would help me enable me to laugh my head off, prior to a gilloutine doing the job first!

In all seriousness, I'm sorry your Mom is enduring an incurable disease. It must be hard for you. I know...My Mom also has an incurable disease- Lupus. She also has a number of other health issues. It's really a hard pill to swallow, considering how close we are. She's also my best friend.
Like you, I am partner-free, and don't have a huge network of friends. I'm actually okay with that. Right now, I'm using my time alone to heal from past wounds. To just relax...

Do you work at your computer as a second form of employment? Or, were you referring to this site, etc.?

[Ayrton Senna]

Thank you guys for encouraging me to leave new messages.

4EverMe, I don't work by a computer neither at work nor at home, I have just an internet addiction but I don't attend any social networking sites or something like that. You didn't write any silliness, it could be just my bad English, sometimes I might express something wrong and you might kinda misunderstand me. Actually, my mom has lupus also (if i've understood correctly what you mean). Lupus usually doesn't come alone..

no_answer, I was glad to read your words, as I could understand, you prone to produce abstract thoughts which can substitute the consumer's logic. Actually, I tend to do that. I think, only way to escape from the pain is creating your own world. It can be even socially approved when you create art.

It seems to me that the 'social awkwardness' is not the only problem, which needs to be solved for repairing the social adaptation, but also the lack of interest towards the other people. Lack of sympathy, frankly speaking, I dislike all of them..
Thank you for attention.

[no_answer]

Ayrton,
I find your writing style impressively clear and semantically and grammatically correct.
But, since you are not immersed in the same English-speaking environment, I'll take a liberty to clarify: the word silliness = in the US means funny, entertaining, although long ago (and even now in some places) it meant "stupid".
Also, it doesn't sound like you do not have "sympathy for people" from what you wrote. I'm sure you meant you just don't find anyone likable to your taste. Sympathy (at least in the US) means compassion, which you do have. Russian language use of the same word is different in this case.
Being a carrier of a different language opens up your world to a whole new set of perspectives. The way we think is so constrained by linguistic forms, that it is necessary sometimes to break out of this mold.
You broke out of it by coming to this forum. It is largely English-language driven, but I'm sure you'll find it quite different to its Russian counterparts, where the general stance is much more judgemental, more personally intrusive and demanding more conformity, although much less detached and distant in its attempt to sound politically correct (i.e. culturally appropriate).

[4EverMe]

Aryton,
Yes, Lupus isn't usually a lone wolf, due to the fact that it's an auto-immune disease that wreaks all kinds of havoc on the body. I may have it too...

no-answer, thanks for clarifying my use of the word silliness, by conveying it's most common meaning in America. "Funniness" is, in fact, what I meant, by my use of the word "silliness."

Also, I try to play close attention to the semantics of language. It both intrigues me and scares me how (for e.g.) one sentence can possess three different meanings based upon the manner it's read.

For those who aren't familiar with 'language semantics," I'll provide an example of it.
I'm going to write one sentence. Where you see word in all uppercase, place emphasis on that particular word when you read the sentence...

1. Why did SHE say that?

2. Why did she say THAT?

3. WHY did she say that?

So, my example sentence reads only the words "Why did she say that?"
But, if the reader imagines that any emphasis is placed on a particular word, the meaning of the sentence/question is suddenly compromised.
That's why I try to pay attention to the way I write things. Language can be more complicated than people realize. Most often, I've witnessed misunderstandings by means of writing, texting and emailing. When people are unable to hear what is said, written/typed words can mean something different than what was intended.

I apologize for taking up so much space, Ayrton! I'm not trying to change the Topic you initially posted.

If you don't mind my asking, how long has your Mom had Lupus?

[Ayrton Senna]

no_answer, I'm grateful to you for your explanation. I appreciate the opportunity to communicate with a man who would prompt me sometimes.

I haven't registered at any russian similar forum because that is not interesting. Someone's drawing the terrible pictures of his/her tragic life, someone would say 'yes, that's awful! I'm suffering the same, but worse', and so on.
I'm familiar with the circumstances that russian people (who are depressed or somehow socially inappropriate) live in. I've heard how they usually describe their problems, I know what they tend to do.
So i've decided to communicate with foreigners. Also, I'm really interested in conveying my thoughts by another language. I don't need to know English neither for work nor for life, but I've studied it just to fill my life with any content and to develop myself somehow. It turned out that you are interesting people!

4EverMe, my mother was diagnosed with lupus about two years ago. She almost couldn't walk at that time 'cause her joints had been damaged, so she was operated and she got the diagnosis lupus.
How long your mom has been suffering? Why do you think that you have lupus?
It'd be really bad. You told me you just a few years older than me..

I live with my mom, I see her everyday. She is as alone as me. Alone with her suffering. She wants me to adjust my privacy, actually, I've tried several times but failed. You know, sometimes it seems to me that my life is just a prison and I really have no choice what to do and where to go.

[4EverMe]

Hi Ayrton,
First, I want to say that I admire you being there for your mom. Because she is often suffering, she may not be able to show her appreciation to you very often. But, I'm sure she's grateful for your presence.
You come across as one who is empathetic/sympathetic. This is helpful to someone in her shoes.

My mom has had Lupus for an unknown number of years. Since Lupus tends to mimic the symptoms of other diseases, it usually takes a long time to diagnose properly. No doctor wants to falsely diagnose something that serious, and it takes time to rule out other possibilities.
I most likely have Lupus, as I tested positive in a drug test. My doctor says that Lupus is often hereditary. My having psoraisis also increases my chances. Certain symptoms I have are indicative of Lupus. Although my diagnosis isn't set in stone until more testing is done, the Rheumatologist is considering either Lupus or something like fibromyalgia.
As my mom's eldest daughter, I take after her in so many ways in regard to health issues. She might as well be my twin sister!
I would be glad to eventually learn that I don't have Lupus after all. However, I doubt this is going to happen. Whatever will be, will be.

By the way, you speak great English. Your studies paid off!

[jibeng88]

Sometimes in life we just need someone who will be there for us. Someone who will listen. Someone who will understand us.

[4EverMe]

Very true, and it goes such a long way!

[Ayrton Senna]

4EverMe, thank you for your admiration although i think it's redundant.

First of all, I should say that I don't dedicate all of my spare time to my mother. She does a lot of housework she prepares food for me. She appreciate my presence indeed. Just i have a crisis in my head.
Thank you for your estimate for my language. You're a bright person for me because you helped me to feel myself comfortable here. I hope you won't be diagnosed with lupus.

jibeng88, hello!

[4EverMe]

Thank you, Ayrton,
I'm glad I've done something too make you feel welcome.