New and unsure

[echralg]

Hi,
I'm 19 and got diagnosed with depression around a year ago, between my first and second year at university. I know my depression started when I was aged around 12, this was when my parents spilt up. I dealt with it through my younger teenage years by self harming and sitting alone listening to music. University helped me to break out of just wanting to shut myself away and I began to open up about my problems with people which eventually prompted me to go to the doctors to seek help. My doctor was quite flippant about the condition and told me to write a diary and sent me on my way.
It wasn't until recently that I decided it was not something I could work through on my own and so I began to receive counselling through my uni student support group. I had 6 weeks of counselling and came away feeling worse if anything.
I'm really new to this forum so I'm not really sure what I'm asking for or what I need. I'm just really struggling with my depression at the moment. And what makes it worse is that I have a brilliant job, an amazing set of friends and uni is going well but I still can't seem to be happy. This is what depresses me the most, am I seriously going to have to spend my whole life feeling so low no matter what positives I have in my life?
I'm in a black tunnel, that I feel like is never ending and I don't think I can stay in this darkness for much longer.
Any advice, no matter how big or small will be seriously appreciated, thanks.

[Frame]

Hello echralg;

Welcome to the sight. Couple things I'd like to say. For one, your not alone in feeling alone and your right having to deal with this for life, at least in my 52 years experience but... a couple of positive (or at leat not depressing) points.

First: any therapy program has to be a fit between patient and practioner. Therapists have all the same variables of any other human being: interests, religion, culture, myths.... Just because they have a degree doesn't mean they have the right approach to fix you. If you stick with therapy I think it's worth doing some research and working thought a few sessions to find someone who your comfortable with and who seems genuinely interested in you (I have happened upon enough that genuinely were not).

Second: One of the better one's told me once that the times I really hit bottom will never entirely go away. However, success is measured in expanding the periods between trouble times and shortening the time we're in them. I believe this is almost as good (and perhaps as good as it gets).

That said, there are many resources for both doing the above and also evening out our moods (hey, the doc. might have been wrong). As you keep readings these posts. I'm sure find at least a few you can apply to your life.

[echralg]

Thanks for you reply.

Therapy is something I want to pursue because I'm really concerned about being put on antidepressants at a young age, although I have been told that this might be my only option.

I just feel so alone in the way I feel, which feels silly when I read all the posts on here, because, clearly, I'm not alone, but I still can't shake that feeling.

I think the worst thing for me is that I can't fully except that I have depression and I just want to get rid of it, instead of finding ways to live and deal with it. Whenever I have really bad spells, like I am at the moment, I just get angry and even more low about the fact that I feel so sad. I just want it to go away. I'm sick of feeling so alone and so down all the time.

I need to find a way to be able except this about myself then I think it'll be easier for me to deal with it. But I don't have a clue how and I feel like I'm at the point now where if I don't find a way to live with and except my depression its going to beat me.

[Frame]

echralg;

For what it's worth, from a non-professional but highly technical person, 52 years old who:
A) Has been struggling with something all his life.
B) Has been diagnosed with a bunch of things at various times and fully expects (if I live long enough) to be diagnosed with a bunch more.
C) Three degrees in engineering but has had every menial job under the sun.

I believe that most depression is caused by an underlying frustration with what we expect from life. I'm positive by now that I have some kind of learning difference (call it miss-wiring of the brain if you like). It was never diagnosed and it was never tolerated in a family of over-achievers. Growing up, no one gave me an inch, as I followed my next older sister as she taught herself to read before kindergarten, skipped two grades, graduated summa cum laude, and went on to get he PhD and MD.

What I'm saying, is I was bright but I didn't, learn that way or any normal way. And I suffered all my life. And I developed compensations and no one has ever ventured to say I wasn't bright. But I was always marginalized for not following the rules. And years of that treatment has left deep frustrations about where and what I am in life as compared to A) what everyone else in my family has achieved and B) what people tell me I could have done.

Well these frustrations become internalized and very difficult to change BUT please note the root. It's about judgement and comparison. It's over and over again about my measuring my expectations and coming up short.

And so now I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Type II and Chronic Depression. PPPHHHTHT! Yea sure is has to do with chemistry; chemistry, and hormones, and feelings, and thoughts, and emotions....how people treat you, how you treat yourself...

I say it's about how hard it is to live today and about our judging ourselves too harshly. So why the diatribe? Well I've tried many treatments and I'm probably not done; whatever your working on at the moment, try to treat yourself gently (I'm not saying ignore responsibilities), judge less, compare less, keep your senses open and try to get to know your self better. Then, I think any treatment is more effective.

[Ghost]

Listen to the man I've been learning from him myself.

[klmm]

I agree totally. What did people do before anti-depressants, they dealt with the issue or died? Not much of a choice, but, I avoid doctors like the plague. They fill my head with garbage, and, ultimately make me feel more like a label then a person.

However, having said that, you are 19 and depressed. My son is 21 and sometimes depressed too. He struggles in school and with self-esteem issues. he went to the school head-shrink who told him to keep a diary of his feelings and see him in a week.

Right.

He suffers from low self-esteem because his father told him he was useless, over and over. Berated and belittled him in front of his friends to the point where I wished my husband would disappear. Finally he left and I was able to try to help him, but, I am not much help as I struggle too with feelings of low self-esteem also, probably from spending 20 years with the husband.

You have much to offer the world and have just now started to explore your talents and abilities. Hang in there. Let us know if we can listen and we will be here for you.

[4EverMe]

Hello,
Sounds like some good people with some good advice!

My heart goes out to you, and the fact that you tried, went somewhere for help, only to get a screwball doctor. But you just never know. Maybe this doctor had had a fight with his spouse. Maybe his ugly poodle crapped on his shoe when he was in a hurry for work. Maybe his last client flipped out on him and made fun of the way he was dressed. Or...he could've just been a grump that day. At any rate, I wouldn't toss out the option of trying this again--with a different doctor, of course.

You mentioned that you're depressed regardless of the fact that things seem to be going right in your life. I'm wondering if maybe this will pass, or if could be that you have a chemical imbalance that requires a medication that's right for you. I wish you luck in any future endeavor to find a caring docttor!

Please keep us posted! Remember, people are here for you.