Hello. I'm not sure that this type of thing is going to be useful or right for me, but at this point it cannot hurt. I guess I'm just seeking any and all impartial input. And a bit of support and compassion can't hurt.
So, for background information I am 43, female, and an incest survivor. I was diagnosed with PTSD, OCD and clinical depression during the three stages in my life in which I had access to medical care. I vastly improve with access to medication, which I do not have now.
I've had two major depressive episodes, two psychotic breaks, and one suicide attempt in the last 35 years. I've also dealt with bulimia, kleptomania, self injury, hypergraphia, and agoraphobia (and pretty much every other manner of social anxiety) intermittently in the past.
I have also learned to adapt to the lack of medication, over the years, by various means. Unfortunately, one of those adaptations is a smoking habit, because nicotine is an anti-anxiety medication to which I have access. (Usually, though it is expensive.) The rest, though, are the right kinds of things that had been keeping my emotional state fairly even keel for about eight years. (Things like exercise and sunshine and pursuing things I enjoy.)
Although I'm a doubter by nature and don't actually believe in any "isms," I admit to fitting into the Pisces stereotype under which I was born. But while I am sensitive to others and rely on my intuition, I don't think I'm especially whiney or needy, as is the extreme. And, indeed, I believe I have most often been described as "laid back" in person.
However, I need someone to objectively tell me if I'm wrong about that, because over the last year or so I have lost everything that meant something to me, including a sense of purpose. And my brain constantly tells me that there's nothing left in this life for me, and it should just end. Part of me believes this is a chemical imbalance "talking" and illogical. But logic tells me there really is nothing, because that's what I have right now. It has been *so long* that *something* has to change. I just have no idea what.
I also feel like I'm surrounded by a bunch of vapid, self-serving people with sociopathic tendencies, and all I really need is to know some decent human beings. I just don't know where they are. (Or even if they'd have me.)
For example, I live with my two children (18 and eight) and their father, who got up every morning while I was half conscious on the floor with a 104 degree fever, for four days, and left. Until the fifth day, when I was apparently so dehydrated that the muscle cramping caused me to scream, and everyone was annoyed, so I was taken to an ER. I know this because I was told, as I only have vague memories of it now.
Of course, my son is a child, but the other two? I need someone to tell me if I'm wrong, or are these people kind of evil? Is that my fault?
I can't leave here because I have no money and no prospects for supporting myself. Sometimes I consider just living in the streets, but at my age I don't think I'd be any better off. At least this place is climate controlled and I'm clean and dry. And I have a TV and the Internet to stare at. I'd just be trading emotional misery for physical.
Anyway, I don't know what, if anything, I'm expecting from this. So, I guess if you have anything at all to tell me, I'd love to read it. And if you wish you knew someone who wants to both give and receive the straight up real truth, maybe we can be friends.
At any rate, thanks for taking the time to 'listen'.
Desperate for new input and resources.
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
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fiercehawk
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:53 am
- Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Hello fiercehawk;
If someone has a 104 temperature, those around her should be paying attention; if not out of empathy then out of self preservation.
But first let me say that I am also looking for a way out of the trap which is my life. That's why I'm reading and responding to these posts and that's why I think your on the right track by reaching out.
I can't help thinking that a great deal of our anxiety and stress lately is being caused by lack of financial resources, of our families, our cities and states, our country, and our world. But that is not the cause of my mental illness. It's just that wealth has allowed people to put a band-aid on it. And so band-aids are being pulled off all over the world. People with money have a lot of money but they don't care to help us and so we have to help ourselves.
They say that a change is as good as a rest. And after a good rest ( a vacation perhaps) it's easier to cope with our disabling problems. But with the the state of the world, for most people even small changes are difficult. So how can we improve our lives?
Well we still have our bodies, our minds, our hearts. Four years ago I lost the entire physical contents of my life to a house fire. Thirteen years ago I effectively lost the respect and love of my only child to a vindictive ex-spouse. I am soon to loose my business and home in the process. It's difficult to see the future.
I started this, hawk, response so I could empathize and perhaps talk about some of my coping mechanisms, but I just bummed myself out. I try and post something positive a bit later. I have good advice. If only I could take my own good advice.
Thanks for posting fiercehawk
If someone has a 104 temperature, those around her should be paying attention; if not out of empathy then out of self preservation.
But first let me say that I am also looking for a way out of the trap which is my life. That's why I'm reading and responding to these posts and that's why I think your on the right track by reaching out.
I can't help thinking that a great deal of our anxiety and stress lately is being caused by lack of financial resources, of our families, our cities and states, our country, and our world. But that is not the cause of my mental illness. It's just that wealth has allowed people to put a band-aid on it. And so band-aids are being pulled off all over the world. People with money have a lot of money but they don't care to help us and so we have to help ourselves.
They say that a change is as good as a rest. And after a good rest ( a vacation perhaps) it's easier to cope with our disabling problems. But with the the state of the world, for most people even small changes are difficult. So how can we improve our lives?
Well we still have our bodies, our minds, our hearts. Four years ago I lost the entire physical contents of my life to a house fire. Thirteen years ago I effectively lost the respect and love of my only child to a vindictive ex-spouse. I am soon to loose my business and home in the process. It's difficult to see the future.
I started this, hawk, response so I could empathize and perhaps talk about some of my coping mechanisms, but I just bummed myself out. I try and post something positive a bit later. I have good advice. If only I could take my own good advice.
Thanks for posting fiercehawk
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fiercehawk
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:53 am
- Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Hello, Frame.
Thanks for replying. Just the fact that someone bothered to do so is a huge comfort to me. I appreciate it.
Sorry that bummed you out. I wish I had some good advice for myself, as I always used to seem to have, but for a little over a year now, absolutely *nothing* I do is helpful. I don't succeed at anything, and things I try have a tendency to backfire horribly. It was not for a lack of enthusiasm or optimism at first, but after so many months of loss and pain and defeat I am just out of ideas and resources.
I feel like I'm trapped and I'm drowning. Half of me feels like I'm worthless, have nothing to contribute to the world, and therefore no point. And the other half feels like there must be something, I just don't know what, if anything, it could possibly be.
I would indeed appreciate any further replies or messages, should you be so kind. Thanks you, either way.
Sorry that bummed you out. I wish I had some good advice for myself, as I always used to seem to have, but for a little over a year now, absolutely *nothing* I do is helpful. I don't succeed at anything, and things I try have a tendency to backfire horribly. It was not for a lack of enthusiasm or optimism at first, but after so many months of loss and pain and defeat I am just out of ideas and resources.
I feel like I'm trapped and I'm drowning. Half of me feels like I'm worthless, have nothing to contribute to the world, and therefore no point. And the other half feels like there must be something, I just don't know what, if anything, it could possibly be.
I would indeed appreciate any further replies or messages, should you be so kind. Thanks you, either way.
Yes fiercehawk, I guess I'm in a deep pit myself.
I'm not into contradicting people but I've found that using the word evil gives license to reject people without understanding them. The most successful generals use the motto "know thy enemy"; the most useless politicians and ministers like to use the label "evil" on their opponents to excuse their own actions of ignorance. I apologize if I've offended. And no it's not your fault. You can only take responsibility for your own actions.
That being said, there are some positive things in what you've said. One is that you have been trying really hard. You are obviously not sitting waiting for something to happen. That is wonderful, and half the battle.
Another thing is that half of you feels worthless. That's the part of you which is so tired of trying. I know that part of me so well. What's so positive is that's only half; there is a part of you in reserve and I feel it is so very important to protect and nurture that part.
I have to leave for work but I'll check back in. You've said so much and it really helps me to respond. Thank you.
I'm not into contradicting people but I've found that using the word evil gives license to reject people without understanding them. The most successful generals use the motto "know thy enemy"; the most useless politicians and ministers like to use the label "evil" on their opponents to excuse their own actions of ignorance. I apologize if I've offended. And no it's not your fault. You can only take responsibility for your own actions.
That being said, there are some positive things in what you've said. One is that you have been trying really hard. You are obviously not sitting waiting for something to happen. That is wonderful, and half the battle.
Another thing is that half of you feels worthless. That's the part of you which is so tired of trying. I know that part of me so well. What's so positive is that's only half; there is a part of you in reserve and I feel it is so very important to protect and nurture that part.
I have to leave for work but I'll check back in. You've said so much and it really helps me to respond. Thank you.
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fiercehawk
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:53 am
- Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Thanks for replying.
Yes, of course you're correct, and I'm afraid that statement had more to do with getting tired of typing and failing to make careful word choices. I'm not really much of a labeler in general, actually. I'd rather meant to label that circumstance's actions as evil.
What I mean is, I personally could not bring myself to walk past some stranger on the street who was too ill to lift his head. But, there's that Pisces thing. I'm often told I'm "too nice" or a "bleeding heart." But I don't think I'm incorrect in considering that doing such a thing to someone with whom you've lived in the same house for eighteen years is just cruel.
Or is it possible that I've somehow earned it? It is possible that some folks deserve to be just stepped over? Am I one of them? And if my own child thinks so, how could I not be?
Because (and here's the thing) in general, I'm not ignorant or immature. I know how to figure things out, take responsibility and be tenacious. I can work hard. I *want* to work hard.
I'm ... I'm just so completely defeated. I hate that feeling. I loathe feeling self pity, and then pity myself more for hating myself so much. And it's been months that everyday I wake up alive and wish I weren't. And then I sit around alone and stare at screens.
But I just *don't know* what else to do. I'm out of ideas. I want a job so badly, but no one will hire me. I can't do volunteer work because I don't pass background checks. I know that's my own fault, I'm not whining about that. I just want a sense of purpose, you know? A way to make some sort of contribution beyond sweeping floors and folding laundry for people who don't actually care whether or not I'm still breathing unless there are no clean underpants.
I have stopped trying only because I'm just out of things to try. That's what brought me 'here'. I'm just Googling random relevant phrases now. Otherwise, I'm just sitting here waiting, and hoping, to die. And it's an awful feeling. One way or another, it cannot go on much longer. Something has to give. Possibly what's left of my sanity.
Thanks again, Frame, for reading this. And, hey, "fiercehawk" is a rough translation of my given names, making a pretty convenient moniker. But people who know me call me "trai" as I wish you would, as we are well met, I believe, and appreciate. If you would be so kind as to reply, please feel free to elaborate on your own circumstances, as you feel comfortable. (PM if you like.)
BTW, I can't help but like anyone who likes anyone based on vocabulary.
What I mean is, I personally could not bring myself to walk past some stranger on the street who was too ill to lift his head. But, there's that Pisces thing. I'm often told I'm "too nice" or a "bleeding heart." But I don't think I'm incorrect in considering that doing such a thing to someone with whom you've lived in the same house for eighteen years is just cruel.
Or is it possible that I've somehow earned it? It is possible that some folks deserve to be just stepped over? Am I one of them? And if my own child thinks so, how could I not be?
Because (and here's the thing) in general, I'm not ignorant or immature. I know how to figure things out, take responsibility and be tenacious. I can work hard. I *want* to work hard.
I'm ... I'm just so completely defeated. I hate that feeling. I loathe feeling self pity, and then pity myself more for hating myself so much. And it's been months that everyday I wake up alive and wish I weren't. And then I sit around alone and stare at screens.
But I just *don't know* what else to do. I'm out of ideas. I want a job so badly, but no one will hire me. I can't do volunteer work because I don't pass background checks. I know that's my own fault, I'm not whining about that. I just want a sense of purpose, you know? A way to make some sort of contribution beyond sweeping floors and folding laundry for people who don't actually care whether or not I'm still breathing unless there are no clean underpants.
I have stopped trying only because I'm just out of things to try. That's what brought me 'here'. I'm just Googling random relevant phrases now. Otherwise, I'm just sitting here waiting, and hoping, to die. And it's an awful feeling. One way or another, it cannot go on much longer. Something has to give. Possibly what's left of my sanity.
Thanks again, Frame, for reading this. And, hey, "fiercehawk" is a rough translation of my given names, making a pretty convenient moniker. But people who know me call me "trai" as I wish you would, as we are well met, I believe, and appreciate. If you would be so kind as to reply, please feel free to elaborate on your own circumstances, as you feel comfortable. (PM if you like.)
BTW, I can't help but like anyone who likes anyone based on vocabulary.
Hi Fierchawk, I'll PM you but I wanted to say for anyone to read how closely many of the things your saying, resemble my life; So very closely. And so we may not be unique. There may be people out there that feel the same.
My 23 year old daughter ignores me and throughout her life, no matter how many times I told her I loved her (until only very recently) has steadfastly refused to return any warmth. I like to blame my ex-wife for this (she's an angry, vindictive,...I could go on) and although I know she carried plenty of baggage into our relationship it is essential (for my own well fare) that I take responsibility for both my relation to my ex-wife and (separately) my relationship to my daughter.
If I grew up depressed and raised a child depressed (which I am coming to understand I did) it is impossible to believe I can apply a normal social metric to my child's attitude toward me. I may wish for a hollywood style daughter but I have to accept that she dealing with her father in a manner she feels comfortable with.
She may be reacting to what her mother says, she may be attempting to choose between confusing modes of behavior. Hey, she has other role models to look at; part of growing up is sorting out what parts of your family are useful and what parts are poisonous. I guess something that keeps me going is the hope that once she escapes my orbit she can look at me in a new light and perhaps find somethings she can use.
I've always said being a parent, means almost by definition, your a hypocrite. You want the best for your kids, teach them the best you know how, then you show them how flawed you are, over and over how not to act. It simply goes with the job. No wonder they have no use for us. But if I can stay alive long enough, I do believe she'll find something in me to respect.
Then again we can't allow them to take away our own self respect. We deserve it and need to preserve it for us and for them.
My 23 year old daughter ignores me and throughout her life, no matter how many times I told her I loved her (until only very recently) has steadfastly refused to return any warmth. I like to blame my ex-wife for this (she's an angry, vindictive,...I could go on) and although I know she carried plenty of baggage into our relationship it is essential (for my own well fare) that I take responsibility for both my relation to my ex-wife and (separately) my relationship to my daughter.
If I grew up depressed and raised a child depressed (which I am coming to understand I did) it is impossible to believe I can apply a normal social metric to my child's attitude toward me. I may wish for a hollywood style daughter but I have to accept that she dealing with her father in a manner she feels comfortable with.
She may be reacting to what her mother says, she may be attempting to choose between confusing modes of behavior. Hey, she has other role models to look at; part of growing up is sorting out what parts of your family are useful and what parts are poisonous. I guess something that keeps me going is the hope that once she escapes my orbit she can look at me in a new light and perhaps find somethings she can use.
I've always said being a parent, means almost by definition, your a hypocrite. You want the best for your kids, teach them the best you know how, then you show them how flawed you are, over and over how not to act. It simply goes with the job. No wonder they have no use for us. But if I can stay alive long enough, I do believe she'll find something in me to respect.
Then again we can't allow them to take away our own self respect. We deserve it and need to preserve it for us and for them.
Last edited by Frame on Thu Jul 11, 2013 7:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Hello Fiercehawk,
I can appreciate what you've said. Thanks for stating so eloquently much of what I've felt throughout my own life. And to Frame, I also closely relate.
Please don't ever blame yourself for situations you had no control over.It isn't fair to you, and it separates you from truth. Self-deprecacation is like fuel is to fire. You sound like an intelligent, insightful person. Those cruelties brought against you? Don't allow them to victimize you again and again...by heaping blame onto yourself. I see that you aren't afraid to own up to what you ARE responsible for. That's admirable. Mature. The rest of the crap you couldn't help? Toss it to the wind!
Well, I DO know there are people who prove themselves evil. I hope you find some peace and healing. Im sorry for what others inflicted upon you. You're welcome to PM me if you'd like. Seems you've also treaded on the wild side of life as I have. Have seen more than I ever wished to. Will post again!
I can appreciate what you've said. Thanks for stating so eloquently much of what I've felt throughout my own life. And to Frame, I also closely relate.
Please don't ever blame yourself for situations you had no control over.It isn't fair to you, and it separates you from truth. Self-deprecacation is like fuel is to fire. You sound like an intelligent, insightful person. Those cruelties brought against you? Don't allow them to victimize you again and again...by heaping blame onto yourself. I see that you aren't afraid to own up to what you ARE responsible for. That's admirable. Mature. The rest of the crap you couldn't help? Toss it to the wind!
Well, I DO know there are people who prove themselves evil. I hope you find some peace and healing. Im sorry for what others inflicted upon you. You're welcome to PM me if you'd like. Seems you've also treaded on the wild side of life as I have. Have seen more than I ever wished to. Will post again!
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fiercehawk
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:53 am
- Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
Sorry for the delay.
Thanks, jj.
And thanks a lot, 4EverMe, for your kind words and understanding. I'd have certainly PMed if I had seen this earlier, so feel free to do so if you'd still like.
Apologies to everyone for the time lapse in reply. If you look up "dissociative amnesia" in an encyclopedia, there is probably a photo of me. My sense of time is just ridiculous. Sorry.
And thanks a lot, 4EverMe, for your kind words and understanding. I'd have certainly PMed if I had seen this earlier, so feel free to do so if you'd still like.
Apologies to everyone for the time lapse in reply. If you look up "dissociative amnesia" in an encyclopedia, there is probably a photo of me. My sense of time is just ridiculous. Sorry.
Hi fiercehawk,
I wondered where you flew off to! Good to have you back, and to know you're still around. You can also pm me too, if you'd like. Have to admit that, for a while, I was a bit worried that I may have offended you. Occasionally, I'd return just to reread my post and to critique my wording. Lol! There are a number of other people's topic pages where I've noticed that I was the last one to respond. Because of my anxiety issues, it kinda got me feeling paranoid...
So, how are you feeling nowadays? Hopefully, you had some semblance of a 'break' for a while. As for me, the rugged terrain is progressively getting rockier. Humorously, I don't know whether to trip, stumble, or do a screamin, free-falling spin off of some unforseen cliff up ahead. Hmmm. Maybe it's to be a succession of all three? What sucks is that I never volunteered to go mountain climbing in the first place! (My bunjee cord is my mind...and it is NOT tightly teathered to the rest of me). Haha-Ugh.
*Talk to you soon* 4EverMe
I wondered where you flew off to! Good to have you back, and to know you're still around. You can also pm me too, if you'd like. Have to admit that, for a while, I was a bit worried that I may have offended you. Occasionally, I'd return just to reread my post and to critique my wording. Lol! There are a number of other people's topic pages where I've noticed that I was the last one to respond. Because of my anxiety issues, it kinda got me feeling paranoid...
So, how are you feeling nowadays? Hopefully, you had some semblance of a 'break' for a while. As for me, the rugged terrain is progressively getting rockier. Humorously, I don't know whether to trip, stumble, or do a screamin, free-falling spin off of some unforseen cliff up ahead. Hmmm. Maybe it's to be a succession of all three? What sucks is that I never volunteered to go mountain climbing in the first place! (My bunjee cord is my mind...and it is NOT tightly teathered to the rest of me). Haha-Ugh.
*Talk to you soon* 4EverMe
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fiercehawk
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2013 3:53 am
- Location: Fort Wayne, Indiana
There are problems. :(
Very sorry, but now I remember why it took me so long to answer before. I have a seriously difficult time with the technical aspects of this site. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me and am sorry it can't continue. :/ I have a profile on Experience Project, if you do as well, look me up. Thanks and best wishes to everyone.
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