need a place like this

[Broken_Angel]

hi--

umm... i guess i'll tell you about who i am. i'm 22 years old, female, live in canada and am living in residence at a university. i'm actually crying as i write everything on here-- that can't be a good sign huh?

when i was thirteen through fifteen i was hurt by my best friends dad. that was seven years ago-- i'm good... i have trouble sometimes, but not that bad. it's my mum... ever since then it just seems like she hates me. i know-- it's not true. that's the first thing that everyone says. i have three brothers-- i've heard so many times how proud she is of them... never of me.

i've suffered from depression since i was fifteen-- really bad at times as i even tried to commit su***de when i was 19. <-- mum doesn't know about that. but... i can never do anything right in her eyes. never. and it upsets me so much; like now.

i just don't know what to do some times... thanks for letting me ramble.

~*~Broken Angel~*~

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((Broken_Angel))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to the forums. I am so glad you wrote. Wishing there were some magical words I could type to help you.

You have had so much to deal with in your life, then depression as well.

Know we are here for you, to encourage, to support, to understand to best of our abilities. It helps to vent, to talk, to type, just to get it off of your mind for even a short period of time.

Please continue coming to the forums, lots to read, things you may relate to, to think about, to smile about.

Will be checking in, By the way I am Warmie or Jeanie, some know me as both. Nice to meet you and again welcome. Take care and know we are here.

Warmie

[Broken_Angel]

thank you so much for you kind words Warmie. i was just really upset this morning because i woke up to a message from mum on my computer that started my day out badly.

i'm a little better now, though have to leave for work in half an hour, and know people are going to know something is wrong. i always feel guilty talking about what's wrong, and 'complaining' because i know there's so many more people worse off than me that could use help.

thank you again.

~*~ Broken Angel ~*~

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((Broken_Angel))))))))))))

Oh sorry, rotten way to start a day. Glad you are doing somewhat better.

Strange how people can spot something wrong, like they get in-tuned to you. But to me that shows they DO care, else they wouldn't notice and try to support you in some way. Right?

Oh Broken Angel, don't feel guilty talking here and I don't see it complaining. You are simply saying what is on your mind and in your heart, and me, I am listening and trying my best to give you support.

Really glad you are here.

Warmie

[Broken_Angel]

thank you.

it's just past one in the morning. i haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon because i'm so busy, and i just got off work now, and i know i still have a few hours of studying for school tomorrow ahead of me... but--

for the first time all day today i genuinely smiled because of your post. nobody's really been there for me, and to know that you're even listening made me smile. --that can be a big thing for me.

thank you. really.

~*~Broken Angel~*~

[ButterflyKisses]

Welcome Broken Angel! You said in your first post that crying couldn't be a good sign. Crying is good for you believe it or not. There have been times when I've been depressed, that I couldn't even cry! So be thankful for those tears, its a good way for your body to release that negative emotion.

I'm so sorry you went through so much at a young age. But your still here, through all the horror, you made it! There will be dark times, but know there is light. Seems like depression is a cycle.

We are all here for you as Jeanie has said. When you feel more comfortable, join us in the chat room. Its a great place for support, even if your not in a depressed mood.

Keep smiling, better days are coming!

[Stephen]

Hi Broken_Angel,

I just wanted to welcome you to the forums. I'm glad you've found us here, and I hope you find this place helpful.

How was your day today?

Take care, and I hope to talk to you again soon,

Stephen

[Broken_Angel]

i've done something i know isn't good. and today it got bad. i haven't eaten anything since sunday afternoon, nore had anything to drink until just this evening. i know it's bad-- and at first it was just because i didn't have time to grab something to eat (i live in residence so have to go all the way to the cafiteria for food or water). but then... it turned into a punishment for myself. i flunked a test in class, my mum is still mad at me and i just got so mad at myself. it hurt real bad this evening, and i almost passed out, so i had some water. though that made me feel sick.

i know it's bad, and i know it's wrong. i'm just... so mad at myself, and so upset with myself that i feel i NEED punishment. this is the only thing in my life i can control right now.

i'm sorry.

~*~Broken Angel~*~

ps-- butterfly, you said to come into chat... i would love to, but my internet connection here at the university doesn't allow me to.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Broken Angel,

What you are doing is only to yourself, and no, it isn't good. I could type forever and try to make you see, but I think you know that.

You have control on you, you go to college for starters. You deal with each day. Why must you "punish" yourself? Flunking a test isn't the end of the world, you will try harder, study more and bring grades back as they should be.

Please see your doctor, tell him what is going on, what you are doing. New meds, maybe? Please seek professional help.

Here to talk with. Take care of yourself, please.

Warmie

[Shepherd]

Hi Broken Angel

Welcome to the forum - I hope you make lots of friends here and find lots of support and warmth from all of the lovely people here.

I cannot go into the chatrooms either and sometimes feel alone and that I'm missing out but this site is very friendly and there are some great places - I hope you find lots of people here for you.

x

[hopeful]

Dear Angel, I hope you find wings and learn to fly. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your thoughts with us. It might sound a bit mean but seeing as you are living in residence is there anyway you could have a little less contact with your mum? She seems to be the root of your problems. I am not suggesting you cut her out of your life but perhaps take a break. Believe me you can never win when it comes to disapproving mothers. Make your own goals and achieve them for yourself and praise yourself. You can't live up to anyones expectations but your own. Be proud to stand on your own two feet. When I suffered post natal depression I needed help from those closest to me, particularly my mum, when I hadn't been in touch for months instead of her coming to my aid and comforting me the next time I saw her she just said 'haven't you punished me enough'. I have to take my mothers comments lightly or it would send me mad. You cannot alter how your mother feels about you but you can have successes for yourself that give you the strength to feel good about yourself no matter how much she disapproves. I am sure she does not 'hate' you or she wouldn't be in contact with you. Try and make the best of a bad relationship and only discuss things you are comfortable with make it clear that her comments are hurtful and if she says anything hurtful just steer the conversation onto something more positive, brush off her negativety and turn it around to something positive. Make the best of your university time. I am in my thirties and returning to university a little late, better to get it done now while you have the time. Hope this all makes sense and if I'm on the wrong track don't take offence just ignore all the above. Take care and be good to urselfxxx
________
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[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Broken_Angel ))))))))))))))))))))

Haven't heard from you for awhile, hope all is well or at least better for you.

Hope to hear from you soon. Take care please.

Warmie