Hi

[hisangel28]

Hi, I'm new to this chat thingy. I've always been scared to share my depression with anyone other than my husband. The bad thing about that now is that he suffers also since the lose of his hand three years ago. And now things have gotten so bad for me that I know if I slip back into that suicidal state of mind that he won't be there to save me this time. I'm scared and I need someone to talk to. Please help.

[Stephen]

Hi hisangel28,

It's nice to meet you, and I'm glad you found us here.

I'm sorry to learn that both you and your husband have depression (I also have depression).

From what you wrote, it seems like you have had depression for a long time. Did something particularly trigger it?

I'm sorry for the plight your husband's life has taken, and that you no longer feel he is able to support your depression at the moment.

I think you've made a wise, and brave, decision to try and look for outside support.

I hope this place will be able to assist you through the hell, that is depression.

Welcome to the depression forums, and I look forward to posting to you again soon.

Stephen

[hisangel28]

Thank you so much for your support Stephen. You will never know how much just the "sound" of your typing/voice means to me. I've felt so alone for so long. Not that I am alone, but I know you understand. God led me to this site and I am thanking him constantly. I think it was my hysterectomy back when I was 23 that triggered my depression even though I lost my mom when I was twelve. I've been on medication before but I am currently not on any. I know I need to go back to my doctor and soon before it's too late. The thing that has triggered my depression currently is my brother taking away my right to see my niece and nephew. And the fact that I almost died from a surgery that went wrong. Maybe I'm suffering from a little PTSD. I just know that I need help and support.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Hello hisangel28,

Welcome to the forum. I am pleased that God gave you guidance to find us.

Depression is a horrible thing to deal with. We are here to support you in anyway we can, our depression is second place for we are here for "you".

Do understand the difficulty of dealing, supporting someone with the tragic loss, as you husband has. It isn't easy for them, and truly not easy for you. You have to be the rock, through it all, you find you must be strong. Not an easy task.

My heart goes out to you. Know I am here so don't be afraid to share. It helps to get it out, off your mind and heart.

Through it all, please, take care of yourself. See your doctor, get all the help you can. Talking, well you know you can talk with us now.

Take care, hope to talk soon.

Warmie

[hisangel28]

Thank you warmie for your support also. This is a very hard time for me. But I almost feel selfish talking about all my problems. Because I know other people are suffering more than I am.

But at the same time my pain is all I can think about.

Like I said earlier....I lost my mom when I was 11 or twelve. Can't remember exact age. Then I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 23. I have one child but I wanted more. Then three years ago my husband lost his hand. And I was the rock that he needed. I pulled him thru it all. He said if it hadn't been for me, he wouldn't be here.

And now I'm dealing with my brother and his problems. I guess he's not really my problem anymore since he said he's done with me. But I didn't do anything. One day he just flipped. My husband said that I did nothing wrong, but I must have. So everyday I have been replaying my life with him and all I can do is cry. I keep asking God to please let him see the truth but I know he never will. That's not how he's made. We are the exact opposite. He explodes everytime something happens and I cry. That's why he called me crazy the other night. But if you had just heard the things that he was saying you would have cried too. How can people be so mean?

I mean I almost died three months ago and he didn't even come see me in the hospital. What is that? I'm hurting so bad. It's all I can think about and it's driving me crazy. I know I have OCD, I just wish I could stop thinking. I keep thinking that I have to defend myself to everyone. Because no one understands my depression. I am so happy to have other people to talk to who understand this. Thank you so much.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((hisangel28)))))))))))))))) <<<<(a hug for you)

I see that you are going through a hard time, but please don't feel selfish about talking with us. What this forum is all about. People helping people in the only way we know. Sharing thoughts in these posts.

Yes others suffer, just like you and I. When it is yourself you get confused, what do I do, how do I this, how do I fix it? To bad we can't support ourselves as we do others, to help ourselves in finding answers.

My heart goes out to you, with the death of your mother, your surgery, your husband and his situation. You made it through it, with a battered heart I know, but still you did it! Thank God you have the child to love, guide and be the best mother possible. You do have a heavenly blessing there.

Your brother, if you didn't love him as you do you wouldn't be so concerned and hurt. Remember that daily living can be so stressful with depression. This is concerning your brother, your friend through life. Is he suffering with depression, if so, is he getting help? Appears you have been that "rock" in your brothers life and suddenly things are different. I had a brother that was temperamental, yet no matter what, when I really sat down and thought it out, I knew he loved me.

Not making excuses for your brother, just pointing out that some people can't handle seeing someone they love ill, in the hospital and so near to death. Give yourself some space, maybe he will come around, you two may find the way to talk it out and be supportive again.

You have so much on your plate and this is like the final straw. I am glad you are typing here, letting your emotions out. Hopefully our talking here will help you through some of this.

Stay as strong as you can, believe in the love you share with these people. Here for you in all the ways I can.

Warmie

[ButterflyKisses]

Hi Hisangel! Glad you were able to find this little slice of heaven on earth. I too suffer from Depression (and other things). Its good that your husband was there for you, and that you were there for him. Thats the way it should be.

Now that both of you are having issues at the same time, you can't seem to find the "rocks" you are looking for, for comfort. Maybe you could both go to a counseling session to see what help you both can get?

Again, welcome to the site!

[hisangel28]

I can not thank God enough for all the support I am receiving on this site.

Only other people with depression can understand how depression feels.

My brother says that he is going to get help with his problem, but I know he said that in a condescending way. I don't believe him. I am almost glad that he is out of my life now. He has used me and used me for so many years. Everyone tried to tell me that he was just taking advantage of me, but I didn't want to see it.

I just keep replaying that night over and over again in my mind and so many things he said contradicted each other.

And I know that somewhere deep down in his heart he loves me and I can forgive him for what he said, but I don't think I will ever let him back into my life. Simply because I don't want to allow him the opportunity to stab me emotionally like that again.

Can you understand how I feel?

It says in the bible that you have to forgive, but no where does it say that that person has to be a part of your life.

God forgive me for being such an emotional wreck.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((hisangel28)))))

Very thankful you found this site as well. The world really does have compassionate and caring people. Depression sometimes clouds of judgment. Emotional pain blocks our trust of others, even our family.

Is there a possibility that you can try not to think of that night? Stop reliving it over and over in your mind? I know you can't forget, memories are forever. Maybe your brother just doesn't know how to express his emotions? Men can be that way Men can show anger, be macho for this is what society demands. When it comes to the softer side of the emotions they try to block that as if it were unacceptable. This has been new to him as well, with the serious situation that was happening to you, he was seeing he was losing his sister, right?

My brother has passed, you will never know how many things said, or times of argument that I wish I could change. But it is too late. I can't undo the harm, the past. Funny how watching your brother die of cancer can humble you, make you see that those words in anger meant nothing. That what is really important is the love you share with him, all the "good" memories. When people would talk with me about him, they didn't see the love of a brother and sister and I feel I set them straight for I did listen to my brother, his heart and mine.

I do understand how you feel, your hurt, emotional anger. I am so thankful I found forgiveness from my brother and to my brother before he died. Our last words were "I love you". That has gotten me through so much.

Yes, the bible says to forgive, to turn the other cheek but hisangel28, you still love him and you know he loves you, with that love he is in your life, living in your heart. You can't dismiss that, for that is such a precious gift.

Don't know that my rambling have made any sense, just trying to help in anyway I can. Take care and looking forward to talking with you again.

Warmie

[Stephen]

Hi hisangel28 and Jeanie,

Jeanie, what an incredibly powerful post. It's really made me think about things in my life... your words were very touching; and I'm sorry for the loss of your brother.

hisangel28, I don't think I can add anything more than Jeanie said. There's quite a lot to think about in her post, isn't there?

Sorry for not being able to contribute much, but I didn't want to ignore these posts... I am here!

Hope to post to you both again soon.

Stephen

[hisangel28]

Everything you all are saying does make sense. But you weren't here when he said the things that he said to me.

He compared me to a woman who drowned her kids. That's why he said he couldn't leave me alone with his children anymore. Well let me add that he said all of this because I slammed his door when he upset me the last time I was over there.

Now understand this. He said that I was crazy. Then why has he left his children with me for the last year if he really thought I was crazy? Please, I can't even spank my own child much less hurt a child. And my kind of depression is self inflicting. Just because I think about suicide doesn't mean that I'm going to commit it. I'm too scared of HELL. Now as for my brother he is very abusive. And he's the one that said he had to put my niece down and just let her cry before he did something stupid!!?? What kind of parent says something like that? That's an innocent child. They didn't ask to be born, just loved.

Now you know why I replay that day everyday. I am not crazy. I would never hurt a child. NEVER!

But I can't forget those words. He knew how to hurt me. He did it intentionally. He kicked me while I was down. And now the pain just won't stop. It won't stop. It won't stop.

I pray everyday that God will ease my pain. But I can't forget those awful words. I don't care how mad you are at someone, think twice about what you say. Because there is a line that you can not cross. And my brother will never apologize. That's not how he's made. He's selfish and only thinks about himself. He wouldn't even hang a picture of my son up over at his house. He only wants pictures of his kids on the wall.

He is the only family I had. Besides my husband and son. That's why it hurts so badly.

I'm so sorry for bothering you guys with this.

[ButterflyKisses]

Don't you ever think you are bothering us with your problems! We all have issues that we need to talk about, its just your turn! lol

I know that when I'm having problems, I push away the people that are closest to me. I know that these people in my life, will always be there for me, no matter what...they are the "safe" people. Meaning I know that they will always be there no matter what I say or do. Could this be why your brother is treating you so badly? Just a thought.

Jeanie, so sorry to hear that you had lost your brother to Cancer. I know if I ever lost my sister, I would be devastated. ((Hugs))

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

hisangel28,

I am sorry I misunderstood. I thought this was just the words, misunderstanding between siblings. No, as you said, I wasn't there. I didn't hear the words or see the anger.

The only thing I know that may set this straight, if possible, is a talk with a minister or a doctor. To help lead you and he to a level of understanding, at least, in the life you have together. To settle issues between the two of you so they don't continue the rest of your lives.

Time will help, and maybe the time apart would be the key. Sorry I don't know what to say, I am not a professional consultant, just someone that has dealt with life herself. A someone that is trying to understand and support.

Take care of yourself, your family.

Warmie

[hisangel28]

Unfortunately, my brother wouldn't go to a counselor with me even if I asked, but just having you guys here has helped more than you could ever know. With each passing day the pain is easing.

Keep praying for me.

Keep praying for my brother in hopes that he will find peace with himself and his family.

Later,
Katrina

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((Katrina))))))))))))))))

Can do! You are in my thoughts and prayers, as well as your brother.

Warmie