i am lost, i need help and i'm new

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Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:40 pm

hi, to whoever may be reading. i'm 19, in my last year of college. i have been hurting for while, many years, probably the last ten years, on and off. i know i have a problem, i saw a counselor at college last year but i got scared when she told me we only had three sessions and then she would have to recommend me to someone more qualified if i did not get any better. i have been hurt. i was bullied in primary school, when i got to a new school in a different city, and then again through most of high school. I have never had a great relationship with my dad, and my parents divorced when i was a toddler. my step father and i do not get along, and my mother and i arent that close. im used to hearing things like "You're mental like your f****** father", "You're a moron", "you make me want to bang your head against a wall', "You're only nice when you want something", "you only act smart but you are actually quite dumb", "you think the f****** world revolves around you", "you make everyones lives miserable"...im sure you get the point. My mom hurts me with words but she says that its nothing because she was hit as a child. when i came clean about my depression she told me that i have nothing to be depressed about because i have no real problems in life. this is because she does not know about things that have happened to me and mistakes i have made. from high school i was used by boys, because i was naive, and ignorant, and then when i got a little older i was used and manipulated by older men, who took advantage of my ignorance, kindness, and weakness. those things hurt me and have had a negative impact on me. i now have a boyfriend who has restored my faith. i just feel like i have always been a screw up and im always disappointing people. i can never do anything right, and im a burden to my mother and the rest of my family. im indian, and we are a big close knit family, but i have never fit in, i have always been the odd one out, the one who disappoints, and the one who is useless...i don't have any special talents, and i have not accomplished anything worth mentioning in my life. any hobbies i have tried to take up always blew up in my face, modeling, photography, cooking...i have thought about taking drastic measures more than once, and i have hurt myself in the past. im just very lost and i am tired of being such a screw up...i just want help...i still have hope.

MickD
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 12:57 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby MickD » Tue Apr 18, 2017 3:33 pm

I hear you about the family issues. My parents split when i was younger and i was left with my mother and step father who was quite abusive. i I also got belittled by them constantly and this did greatly affect my self esteem for a long time and probably does to this day.
Im still a bit scarred by that environment but getting away from it was one of my greater decisions as i significantly felt happier (for a good year or so until other stuff).
I also self harmed around this point, i dont know why it just seemed to help some people and although i guess it did for them few seconds ive now got a forearm with a tally chart of scars im rather embarrassed about 10 years later so i fully encourage you not to.

You said you have a boyfriend now thats restored your faith, i guess that allows you someone to open up to and talk about when youre feeling very low.



I went to a doctors when i was younger and ive booked an appointment for tomorrow, im nervous about it and rather scared but my past experience i had a very helpful doctor who understood what i was saying. There was no counselling available at this time (due to some nhs funding or something) so i just got medication and as i remembered it helped a lot.
You say you want help, so i think its important you try and reach out and get that from a doctor or something as scary as it might be. Youve gotta make the steps and i know how difficult that can be because ive done it before and in the process of doing it now.

Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Tue Apr 18, 2017 5:13 pm

Thank you

MickD
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 12:57 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby MickD » Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:36 am

How are you today ?

mae19681995
Posts: 1
Joined: Thu Apr 20, 2017 5:55 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby mae19681995 » Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:30 pm

Dear "I am Lost", I’m so sorry about all you’ve been through and that you’re hurting so much right now. I know it can be hard to reach out, but I really believe that it’s worth trying again to seek professional help. I myself have done counseling with a certified counselor and it help so much. You may need medication to help cope as well, but that must come from a professional. There is always hope. I hope your situation will improve since you are finishing college that is a major positive step in your life. Focus in on that.

Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:03 pm

MickD wrote:How are you today ?
a bit better than last week but still quite miserable. Thank you so much for asking. [quote="mae19681995"]Dear "I am Lost", I’m so sorry about all you’ve been through and that you’re hurting so much right now....
Thank you ,I meet with the counselor on Tuesday a bit nervous but it's the only help I have access to at the moment

Helloraspberries1
Posts: 200
Joined: Wed May 25, 2016 2:11 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Helloraspberries1 » Sun Apr 23, 2017 4:28 pm

Hi Iamlost, welcome to the forums.

Everything I read just know made me feel for you. I could feel every word you said. I feel like I know what you been through.

I'm so sorry what's happened in your life. When people early on say negative stuff about you they don't know it can haunt that person for ever. That's one thing I've learnt. You think it's true and you believe everything your mind says. It's not at all.

From your childhood you had this. Of course this is gonna make you feel the way you are now. Your insecurites has got alot to do with your childhood there's no other reason why you feel like this.

I see you tried a few things before. Counselling was one. I'm glad you have gone and found another counsellor and your more happy to be talking to someone who you can always go to.

I think right now you need as many positive people in your life as you can get because you haven't had that not to know that life can get better because it does.

You still got time to find what you wanna do. You tried all these things so you know already what you have done. Maybe in time you could go back to them.

Please try and reach out.

Your not on your own.

Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Mon Apr 24, 2017 8:49 am

Thank you, it's good to know that even though you feel so alone there are other people that feel the things you're feeling and that know what pain of some of the things that you've been through

MickD
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 12:57 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby MickD » Mon Apr 24, 2017 3:49 pm

Sky823 wrote:
MickD wrote:How are you today ?
a bit better than last week but still quite miserable. Thank you so much for asking.
mae19681995 wrote:Dear "I am Lost", I’m so sorry about all you’ve been through and that you’re hurting so much right now....
Thank you ,I meet with the counselor on Tuesday a bit nervous but it's the only help I have access to at the moment



I reached out for help last week and went to the doctors, im starting a course of medication. i was offered counselling but i asked if i could decline for the time being as i was pretty much unable to talk to the doctor properly at that moment in time.
I hope everything works out for you

ledger
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Apr 25, 2017 4:02 am

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby ledger » Tue Apr 25, 2017 5:13 am

When I read your post, I saw myself when I was your age. I'm now much older, but waited too long before I processed the pain, at the cost of a lifetime of opportunities that I will never get back. I hope that the thoughts I share may help you in your road to recovery.

I'm glad that you have had the courage to express your concerns, and I hope that you will take some steps to address those concerns as well. I have found that the key to getting out of depression is to rid yourself of bad influences and to replace them with good influences. I would suggest that you minimize the amount of time you spend with your parents. The reason I say this is that they are influencing you negatively. It is good to see a doctor, but if you do not minimize the amount of contact you have with your parents, you could end up in an endless cycle where any improvements you make through counseling get negated by the toxicity of your parents. If you are currently living with your parents, but would be able to afford moving out at some point, I would suggest doing so.

If your boyfriend is a positive influence on you, then please do spend time with him. However, my experience was that because I did not process my pain, I placed too much dependence on somebody else, my ex. As a result, I ended up hurting her in the end. If you care at all about your boyfriend or yourself, please do try to improve yourself also. If you do not address your pain, you could end up hurting yourself even more and others as well. Please do see a doctor so you could have somebody help you process things. Please do also try to find an interest of yours, as it may help build some self-esteem.

Please do try to be nice to yourself, and forgive. It is important to forgive because if you do not forgive those who have hurt you, such as your parents, you end up bitter. You do not have to actually say to your parents that you forgive them, you just need to say it to yourself, in your heart. Please do also try to forgive yourself.

If you were to decide that you wanted to see a doctor, I would suggest that you see somebody before you start working. It is important to try to process as much of your pain as possible before starting work, as issues carried into the workplace could often surface, causing bad relationships with co-workers and bosses.

Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 7:11 am

So I saw the counselor today, and we spoke and things and basically she came to a conclusion and said I have the following options. I have the option of speaking to my mother openly (which I know will be an absolute distaster) and suggest family counseling or I'm going to graduate, find a job and just leave and run away from my problems, leaving me alone without my family which will eventually turn me bitter....so I'm also at a loss...

Sky823
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:14 pm

Re: i am lost, i need help and i'm new

Postby Sky823 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 7:13 am

MickD wrote:
Sky823 wrote:
MickD wrote:How are you today ?
a bit better than last week but still quite miserable. Thank you so much for asking.
mae19681995 wrote:Dear "I am Lost", I’m so sorry about all you’ve been through and that you’re hurting so much right now....
Thank you ,I meet with the counselor on Tuesday a bit nervous but it's the only help I have access to at the moment



I reached out for help last week and went to the doctors, im starting a course of medication. i was offered counselling but i asked if i could decline for the time being as i was pretty much unable to talk to the doctor properly at that moment in time.
I hope everything works out for you

I'm glad that you reached out and that you're getting help. It is a very nerve wrecking thing to have to open up and speak to a stranger about what's going on. You tend to fear judgement and also that they might not help you as much as you thought they would.


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