Men/People, Moving Forward, & My Mother
Posted: Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:49 pm
I'm putting this out there... I'm not sure why this time....
Part A
I keep searching myself, & I believe I might be afraid of men. It's not a constant thing, but it happens when there is some kind of connection/electricity/spark between me & faceless guy X.
If I feel something, it makes me go bananas, & I want to run the next direction. My reaction is like, "Ugh.... NooooooOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
It's a really deep-rooted issue.... I mean, yeah I know I was nearly raped, but I thought I had gotten through it enough.... That was 5 years ago & got counseling. There have been 2 relations since then. I know I'm fine. My last relation might have put me where I am now & the death-cruel images floating around in my head most likely don't help the situation.
The afraid of men thing is more of an "I beg your pardon" sort of thing. It's an "I'm going to stay out of your way" & "you're going to leave me alone. Deal?"... My mental state can be thrown off kilter when I date, so I'm not for it. I've refused to feel any thing--for the most part--when it comes to dating, significant others, boyfriends, people, etc. (I don't want any one. Maybe I'm just bitter....)
You see... I'm not worried about a man or companionship or any of that because I do not feel that I will ever be able to live up to whatever expectations there might be. (No, I am not low self-esteeming.) Bodily wise, right this minute, I am overweight, but the solution for that is to lose the body fat. (I believe that is something I can do.) I certainly am not having any kids. Usually in a marriage, there has to be at least one child. Of course, there are some people who don't want any or don't have any.
As for me, I am not going to continue the family line--not to pass this, my bad eyes & something else to them. I don't know if I'll have the energy to be the kind of parent they might need. There are just way too many doubts.
Either my brother will continue the line/name or we will die out. I have no problem with that. (I believe that we are cursed any way, so this will put an end to it, provided my brother doesn't have any children, as we are both unstable.)
As much as I am alive, I do not really see myself as having a life. Yeah, I will probably work, bring home a paycheck, & take up lots of hobbies. There is no "love" in the picture, as I do not believe it is what my reality will be. (I studied Philosophy in school, so I am rejecting the norm + that which seems to define a woman for the most part (e.g. the having kids... Sorry, but I don't feel like putting my body through that). If I am ever pregnant or have kids, I don't know where my head will go. I have not ever really been the norm & this was even way before college.
There is a way that my resolve might change, but it's if I meet the right person & I don't screw it up somehow. I figured out that I will know who that is when I'm not nervous around that individual.
The fear really is a fear of pursuit.... (There are so many people out there with ill intentions & I'm not sure how I'm going to react, when I encounter someone like that. I'm afraid of myself, in that regard. The last person I went with I really believed I would kill, so I think you understand why I have no desire for relations. I don't want to trigger myself. What the last one did was so very hurtful, but that's the past, & I am a different person now, for sure.)
Part B
Fear of Moving Forward .... Well, what to say about this one? The uncertainty just rattles my nerves. It's probably related to the fear of pursuit in Part A. I have no desire to move forward & have more relationships, & possibly get married. It is a head vs nature fight. I am inclined to move forward, but then I would like to keep myself under lock & key. It's like trying to stand still in a busy train station with people walking all around me.
Part C
I am afraid of becoming like my mother. I am already her, though. It's just that I am wrestling with it for now. I am every thing I never wanted to be that my mother is. Overall, I would say that she is lazy & engages in very bad habits. I am not lazy per se, but I don't do what I should be doing, in the same breath, & have the bad habits like her.
It's these bad, unhealthy habits that have helped to keep me depressed. She has let herself go & is overweight. I am overweight now. She doesn't pack away her clean clothes for months. I am the same. She doesn't like to wash dishes & doesn't wash them for the most part any way. I don't either; however, I do not put down dishes for other people to wash. I do my best to be considerate, so while I should be going green, I go out & grab some paper plates + plastic utensils, until I can get myself together.
She waits till she has really huge loads of clothes to wash (laundry her clothes). I do the same. She has a tendency to be disorganized & have things all over the place. I am the same. (I just can't seem to not put things on my floor! It's like I'm not happy if there isn't a cluttered desk or junk on the floor.)
It is ironic how I am just so much like my mother. I have never wanted to be like her, but somewhere in there, I gave up, cracked, broke & stopped giving a _______. I am in the middle of unlearning unhealthy behaviors right now for all of this. Doing so will probably be crucial to recovering more of myself & simply just living a better life.
This is part of why I don't believe I will be able to have relationships. Perfection is not necessary, but I don't want what I've described for myself or for any one else.
It is a really big battle I am facing at the moment. I'm already tired, but keeping on moving is essential....
Well, there you have it folks....
Part A
I keep searching myself, & I believe I might be afraid of men. It's not a constant thing, but it happens when there is some kind of connection/electricity/spark between me & faceless guy X.
If I feel something, it makes me go bananas, & I want to run the next direction. My reaction is like, "Ugh.... NooooooOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
It's a really deep-rooted issue.... I mean, yeah I know I was nearly raped, but I thought I had gotten through it enough.... That was 5 years ago & got counseling. There have been 2 relations since then. I know I'm fine. My last relation might have put me where I am now & the death-cruel images floating around in my head most likely don't help the situation.
The afraid of men thing is more of an "I beg your pardon" sort of thing. It's an "I'm going to stay out of your way" & "you're going to leave me alone. Deal?"... My mental state can be thrown off kilter when I date, so I'm not for it. I've refused to feel any thing--for the most part--when it comes to dating, significant others, boyfriends, people, etc. (I don't want any one. Maybe I'm just bitter....)
You see... I'm not worried about a man or companionship or any of that because I do not feel that I will ever be able to live up to whatever expectations there might be. (No, I am not low self-esteeming.) Bodily wise, right this minute, I am overweight, but the solution for that is to lose the body fat. (I believe that is something I can do.) I certainly am not having any kids. Usually in a marriage, there has to be at least one child. Of course, there are some people who don't want any or don't have any.
As for me, I am not going to continue the family line--not to pass this, my bad eyes & something else to them. I don't know if I'll have the energy to be the kind of parent they might need. There are just way too many doubts.
Either my brother will continue the line/name or we will die out. I have no problem with that. (I believe that we are cursed any way, so this will put an end to it, provided my brother doesn't have any children, as we are both unstable.)
As much as I am alive, I do not really see myself as having a life. Yeah, I will probably work, bring home a paycheck, & take up lots of hobbies. There is no "love" in the picture, as I do not believe it is what my reality will be. (I studied Philosophy in school, so I am rejecting the norm + that which seems to define a woman for the most part (e.g. the having kids... Sorry, but I don't feel like putting my body through that). If I am ever pregnant or have kids, I don't know where my head will go. I have not ever really been the norm & this was even way before college.
There is a way that my resolve might change, but it's if I meet the right person & I don't screw it up somehow. I figured out that I will know who that is when I'm not nervous around that individual.
The fear really is a fear of pursuit.... (There are so many people out there with ill intentions & I'm not sure how I'm going to react, when I encounter someone like that. I'm afraid of myself, in that regard. The last person I went with I really believed I would kill, so I think you understand why I have no desire for relations. I don't want to trigger myself. What the last one did was so very hurtful, but that's the past, & I am a different person now, for sure.)
Part B
Fear of Moving Forward .... Well, what to say about this one? The uncertainty just rattles my nerves. It's probably related to the fear of pursuit in Part A. I have no desire to move forward & have more relationships, & possibly get married. It is a head vs nature fight. I am inclined to move forward, but then I would like to keep myself under lock & key. It's like trying to stand still in a busy train station with people walking all around me.
Part C
I am afraid of becoming like my mother. I am already her, though. It's just that I am wrestling with it for now. I am every thing I never wanted to be that my mother is. Overall, I would say that she is lazy & engages in very bad habits. I am not lazy per se, but I don't do what I should be doing, in the same breath, & have the bad habits like her.
It's these bad, unhealthy habits that have helped to keep me depressed. She has let herself go & is overweight. I am overweight now. She doesn't pack away her clean clothes for months. I am the same. She doesn't like to wash dishes & doesn't wash them for the most part any way. I don't either; however, I do not put down dishes for other people to wash. I do my best to be considerate, so while I should be going green, I go out & grab some paper plates + plastic utensils, until I can get myself together.
She waits till she has really huge loads of clothes to wash (laundry her clothes). I do the same. She has a tendency to be disorganized & have things all over the place. I am the same. (I just can't seem to not put things on my floor! It's like I'm not happy if there isn't a cluttered desk or junk on the floor.)
It is ironic how I am just so much like my mother. I have never wanted to be like her, but somewhere in there, I gave up, cracked, broke & stopped giving a _______. I am in the middle of unlearning unhealthy behaviors right now for all of this. Doing so will probably be crucial to recovering more of myself & simply just living a better life.
This is part of why I don't believe I will be able to have relationships. Perfection is not necessary, but I don't want what I've described for myself or for any one else.
It is a really big battle I am facing at the moment. I'm already tired, but keeping on moving is essential....
Well, there you have it folks....