Men/People, Moving Forward, & My Mother

For example: agoraphobia, claustrophobia, social phobia.

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crystalgaze
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Men/People, Moving Forward, & My Mother

Postby crystalgaze » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:49 pm

I'm putting this out there... I'm not sure why this time....

Part A

I keep searching myself, & I believe I might be afraid of men. It's not a constant thing, but it happens when there is some kind of connection/electricity/spark between me & faceless guy X.

If I feel something, it makes me go bananas, & I want to run the next direction. My reaction is like, "Ugh.... NooooooOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

It's a really deep-rooted issue.... I mean, yeah I know I was nearly raped, but I thought I had gotten through it enough.... That was 5 years ago & got counseling. There have been 2 relations since then. I know I'm fine. My last relation might have put me where I am now & the death-cruel images floating around in my head most likely don't help the situation.

The afraid of men thing is more of an "I beg your pardon" sort of thing. It's an "I'm going to stay out of your way" & "you're going to leave me alone. Deal?"... My mental state can be thrown off kilter when I date, so I'm not for it. I've refused to feel any thing--for the most part--when it comes to dating, significant others, boyfriends, people, etc. (I don't want any one. Maybe I'm just bitter....)

You see... I'm not worried about a man or companionship or any of that because I do not feel that I will ever be able to live up to whatever expectations there might be. (No, I am not low self-esteeming.) Bodily wise, right this minute, I am overweight, but the solution for that is to lose the body fat. (I believe that is something I can do.) I certainly am not having any kids. Usually in a marriage, there has to be at least one child. Of course, there are some people who don't want any or don't have any.

As for me, I am not going to continue the family line--not to pass this, my bad eyes & something else to them. I don't know if I'll have the energy to be the kind of parent they might need. There are just way too many doubts.

Either my brother will continue the line/name or we will die out. I have no problem with that. (I believe that we are cursed any way, so this will put an end to it, provided my brother doesn't have any children, as we are both unstable.)

As much as I am alive, I do not really see myself as having a life. Yeah, I will probably work, bring home a paycheck, & take up lots of hobbies. There is no "love" in the picture, as I do not believe it is what my reality will be. (I studied Philosophy in school, so I am rejecting the norm + that which seems to define a woman for the most part (e.g. the having kids... Sorry, but I don't feel like putting my body through that). If I am ever pregnant or have kids, I don't know where my head will go. I have not ever really been the norm & this was even way before college.

There is a way that my resolve might change, but it's if I meet the right person & I don't screw it up somehow. I figured out that I will know who that is when I'm not nervous around that individual.

The fear really is a fear of pursuit.... (There are so many people out there with ill intentions & I'm not sure how I'm going to react, when I encounter someone like that. I'm afraid of myself, in that regard. The last person I went with I really believed I would kill, so I think you understand why I have no desire for relations. I don't want to trigger myself. What the last one did was so very hurtful, but that's the past, & I am a different person now, for sure.)


Part B

Fear of Moving Forward .... Well, what to say about this one? The uncertainty just rattles my nerves. It's probably related to the fear of pursuit in Part A. I have no desire to move forward & have more relationships, & possibly get married. It is a head vs nature fight. I am inclined to move forward, but then I would like to keep myself under lock & key. It's like trying to stand still in a busy train station with people walking all around me.


Part C

I am afraid of becoming like my mother. I am already her, though. It's just that I am wrestling with it for now. I am every thing I never wanted to be that my mother is. Overall, I would say that she is lazy & engages in very bad habits. I am not lazy per se, but I don't do what I should be doing, in the same breath, & have the bad habits like her.

It's these bad, unhealthy habits that have helped to keep me depressed. She has let herself go & is overweight. I am overweight now. She doesn't pack away her clean clothes for months. I am the same. She doesn't like to wash dishes & doesn't wash them for the most part any way. I don't either; however, I do not put down dishes for other people to wash. I do my best to be considerate, so while I should be going green, I go out & grab some paper plates + plastic utensils, until I can get myself together.
She waits till she has really huge loads of clothes to wash (laundry her clothes). I do the same. She has a tendency to be disorganized & have things all over the place. I am the same. (I just can't seem to not put things on my floor! It's like I'm not happy if there isn't a cluttered desk or junk on the floor.)

It is ironic how I am just so much like my mother. I have never wanted to be like her, but somewhere in there, I gave up, cracked, broke & stopped giving a _______. I am in the middle of unlearning unhealthy behaviors right now for all of this. Doing so will probably be crucial to recovering more of myself & simply just living a better life.

This is part of why I don't believe I will be able to have relationships. Perfection is not necessary, but I don't want what I've described for myself or for any one else.

It is a really big battle I am facing at the moment. I'm already tired, but keeping on moving is essential....

Well, there you have it folks....

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xn728
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this is very open and eyeopening

Postby xn728 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 1:08 pm

hi crystalgaze this is quite eyeopening ,and from the heart ,im at a loss to comment really ,but i will say i hope i dont worry you with some of my replys ,i dont think i do ,but i can be very personal sometimes ,and altough i mean what i say ,i do treat male and females the same just my nature you know ,dont worry i haven,t misread your post but i just wanted to let you know that i mean we,ll ,xn728 ken

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Oct 13, 2009 2:20 pm

No Ken! You're just fine. :D I feel comfortable with every one on here. Yep, I know you mean well. It shows!!!


(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ken))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

^_^

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xn728
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im tired to so tired

Postby xn728 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 3:03 pm

hi crystal ,all understood thanks ,it is so tiring living this way ,its 8.00pm here in england and im i bed ,its the only time i get to lay and do nothing
without feeling guilty ,the quack said a strange thing to me yesterday ,and i cant stop thinking about it ,
he said that during my life everybody has taken things from you and you
have nothing left for yourself ,he said i need time to myself to get some
things back ,now theres sense in this somewere but i cant find it just now
i wish i didnt have to search for everything so hard ,
anywho ,enjoyed your very deep post ,i know you will be ok by the way you express yourself ,if its any comfort i get no rest either ,these highs people get here and there ,its something i am not blessed with ,for me
its sleep in the dark ,awake in the dark ,best wishes xn728 ken ps ive signed up to a new forum im just gonna pop and have a look now

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Oct 14, 2009 8:29 am

Let me know how you like the new forum. :)

Maybe your highs are different? I know you like it when it's windy outside. Is that a high or maybe that's something different (like relief/a moment of peace)?

I wish the searching wasn't as hard, too.... I think it's only hard (as in someone else can't tell you) 'cause they didn't live your life per se to know what's what.

Take care Ken!

P.S. Oh yeah, I went to the barber yesterday & was able to handle the "guy" atmosphere. This one older gentleman seemed to go bananas because I was in there to get my hair cut. (He'd never seen me in there.) He started asking the barber whether he does women's hair. :lol: It was funny.

He looked like he wanted to gobble me up, as well, but I just didn't pay him any mind. ~lol~ Also, he was quite handsome after the barber cut the gentleman's hair.

A very ironic thing happened.... I met up with my former classmate, again in the barber shop for the 2nd time.... When I saw him the 1st time, he didn't remember who I was & I didn't bother to tell him my name (& he didn't ask) because I figured I wouldn't see him again.

Then, I saw him again & we were both like, "Oh...." So this time I introduced myself... I think when he walked through the door I nearly fell through the floor (because I didn't expect to see him).

What's ironic about this is my post on Monday & then yesterday, bumping into my classmate, whom was always very likable, for the second time. Oh dear.... & the interesting part about it is that he doesn't frighten me/I don't feel frightened by him (at least not yet). The barber had also hinted to me, the time prior that "he's a nice guy" & a maybe we should get together sort of thing.... (double Oh dear....)

I'm not sure about it, though... He is an Arab/of Arabic descent & I am brown-skinned (not of Arabic descent). I haven't seen too many of those match-ups anywhere. Most Arab people/people of Arabic descent I have seen here where I live work in their own stores (grocery store, furniture store, etc) or at their own gas stations.

My classmate is very atypical, though (at least at first glance)... He teaches at an elementary school, & I would have never thought in a million years that that's what he would do. I didn't even think I would see him again anywhere ever.... :shock:

If I see him a 3rd time, then I might chat him up a bit to see if I can see into his head a little. He might make a good friend.

~whisper~ I might very well have to run the next direction from people playing matchmaker with me.

On a different note, I feel better for telling my fear. I don't have to stress about it, too much any more. I can start working on how to cope.... I don't have any ideas at the moment, but maybe something will dawn on me soon....

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xn728
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sorry i dont have highs

Postby xn728 » Thu Oct 15, 2009 6:45 am

i dont really have highs a such ,but i love winter ,frost rain ,wind it make me feel safe ,keeps the streets empty of normal people ,the days are shorter (not so long to suffer), but i have my family ,my wife is quite ill as most everybody knows ,i suppose looking after her ,keeps me from going under ,oh how i love her, ,listen im not getting alerts ,so im losing the threads and its very confusing ,if i get lost i will just post messages in storys ,at least i know were i am there ,,best wishes xn728 ken

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dandelion
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Postby dandelion » Sun Nov 15, 2009 4:25 pm

Hey Onika, you know im good at this, but reading your post, somehow i can relate. I avoid men as well, reason is of my brother....i dont hate them but i feel comfortable avoiding them or not talking to them. And i think you know a bit about me as well. i really know what you talking about not getting married and have kids, im not going to that either, i dont want to pass my bad genes to my kids (which unlikely for me to have kids, since i consider myself to be non-breeder) and i am surely dont have the criteria needed to be a good mom =). I cant barely take care of myself and let alone take care of my kids. My sister is going to get married next year (hopefully) and lately a lot of questions been thrown into me like 'when are you going to settle down'......whisc is sooooooo stressful because of you know.... i cant be married with a guy...i would probably will run away and could never be found.. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time, a big hug for you (((((((((((((((((((( onika )))))))))))))))))))))))) but hey, you and I, arent we a bunch of cool people to be with ;). And regarding to your mom, im sorry, i really lost my words hun, but i believe if its a bad thing, you dont inherit that, because you are such an amazing lady and i am grateful that we are friends (even though we only talk for a few times) =)

Love
Nurhidayah/dandelion
In the hopes of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.
- Albert Schweitzer

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xn728
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thanks

Postby xn728 » Sun Nov 15, 2009 4:33 pm

you know girls im a tolerant type of guy but i find this comment about avoiding men a little upsetting ,not to worry ,everyones entitled to there views ,i would have thought you could have been more sensative ,
best wishes ,,very depressed male ,,xn728 ,goodbye my dear freinds i find another hole in witch to crawl
My lovely wife Fran ,is my whole life ,and in her pain she has supported and never questioned mine ,I must make hers happy and as painless as i have in my power ,,Fran i love you so much ,never doubt it my love ,,,Forever,Boo,,,
xxxxxxxxxx,,

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dandelion
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Postby dandelion » Sun Nov 15, 2009 4:56 pm

I am really sorry if my comment is upsetting you Xn, i really didnt mean to make people upset...sorry again and yes, i should be more sensitive toward things. My apology to you
In the hopes of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

- Albert Schweitzer

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:37 pm

I thought I beat this one & maybe I did, but I believe it has transformed.

I am not sure into what, though..... It's different than it was b4 is all I can say with some certainty.
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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dandelion
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Postby dandelion » Wed Nov 25, 2009 3:34 am

((((((((((((((((((( crys )))))))))))))))))))))) :D

I hope you will find what you are looking for hun, its there waiting for you to find it. i have you in my thoughts and my prayer. Gotta love you <3

hugs
dandelion
In the hopes of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

- Albert Schweitzer

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Thu Jan 21, 2010 10:07 pm

I am angry at myself.... No matter how I've tried, I STILL have not been able to get past the near rape from my university days. It's going on 6 years or so now.

I've done counseling. It puzzles me because it's not like I really remember much about it.

Pretty much, I try to proceed with caution--where I can. That's about it.

It has affected my life. Ever since that situation, I have tended to really be only able to enjoy/want rough sex--not extremely rough but enough to be disturbing to me. & I'm not sure if "enjoy" is the proper term....

Maybe I might need more counseling. I don't know... I mean, I have no idea what I'm going to say or where to start. I am not sure what good rehashing it will do.

I have had all sorts of emotions about it, which I will not post (way too dark)....

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:14 pm

After many months from my last post here, I will announce what has bothered me in the back of my head.


A guy I was with recently was someone I had known for 10 or more years. We had always gotten along well, laughed with each other and so on. Well, after such a long time, he finally made a move.

At 1st, I didn't pay him much mind, but then it seemed like he was serious. Well, I wasn't sure about it and so I did not really act on it. (There were no butterfly kisses and such.)

We were in each other's presence, and one day things went further than I wanted them to go. It's after that point that we have not spoken to or seen each other since then.

I had said I wasn't ready, wasn't sure yet, and the next thing I knew I had a completely naked man (with a hard-on) standing before me that I didn't expect and froze. We were talking... He got up for a moment and I looked away for JUST a few seconds and when I looked back because things had just gotten too quiet, that was what my eyes met.

As much as I wanted to run, I froze and in the back of my head, it almost always comes off like rape, even though there was nothing violent about it, when I think back to it. But it was his eyes.....

I finally made the decision I had hoped not to make..... To be raped violently or have sex in a relatively peaceful, not too terrorizing of a manner. I chose the latter (when really the 3rd choice should have been neither of them).

And so it has happened again. Instead of 1 phantom, there are now 2. Both were people I knew of for some length of time. It's something, isn't it?

This time, no one knows, except for anyone who sees this.

I know I must stop being so weak. I feel that one day I will get there, so there is no need for me to be distraught over it.

Edit: The other sad thing about this is that my ex (?) boyfriend believes I cheated on him and even "forgave" me. It's beautiful, isn't it?
Last edited by crystalgaze on Tue Jul 06, 2010 10:03 am, edited 2 times in total.
~Crystal



I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

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Postby Obayan » Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:17 pm

You are not weak. Never think that. It's normal for a person to freeze like that when confronted in that type situation. Especially after having gone thru it before. You might try some self defense classes. One of the things they teach is how to overcome freezing up. I'm so sorry sweetie. I really am. I hate that such a kind heart is in so much pain.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Jul 06, 2010 6:28 am

Thanks Obayan for your words. Perhaps, it really is time for self-defense or learning martial arts, like I had thought about for a good while. It even came across my mind recently and a while back.

I believed I was finally out of the woods with all of this, after 6 years from the 1st incident. I guess not.

What happened after the whole thing was pretty much the same: suppression, this time longer than the last. My prejudices have been re-confirmed for me and I now know I was not wrong for having them. It's all the same unfortunately, from how it happened to where I am now.

I haven't even been able to cry about it really. It's a mixed bag. So far, I haven't had nightmares about what happened, like the previous incident. I did have unexplainable (weird) nightmares in the last few weeks, but I didn't think much about them.

At this point, I will figure out what to do.... (e.g. how best to get past it and cope) Since I survived it before, I can survive it again. While it was against my will, it was not entirely bad. Indeed, I would have preferred for it not to have happened the way it did or at all, but it's not like I got beat up and had bruises (etc) to boot.

I do understand now why I was the way I was for all those years--why it took me so long to ever seriously attempt any kind of relationship again. It makes sense now.

Well, life goes on. I'm going to try to go back to sleep. I woke up way too early. This junk was on my mind. I'll try to exercise later.

Edit: I find it ironic (maybe even disturbing) that for the last few posts in this thread the song that went through my mind was Suteki da ne (song from Final Fantasy X). Truly I had hoped for something beautiful.... I got some beautiful mixed with darkness (the guy, the end result).

It was all contained so well. You must understand: This is someone whom I have never seen get upset, shown to have a temper, never raised his voice, and I could go on + on with that. I admit I was really caught off guard. It just threw me, as in WHAT!!

The only thing I really ever saw--and even when I saw it, it was so fleeting that I wasn't sure what I saw--was something in his face, a slight something that made me have a question mark, as in "Hhmm?" or "Huh?"

Everything else I saw was pretty much what I've seen typically in a guy at some point--even in the best of ones.

10 to 13 years of trust: Gone Down the Drain.....

Edit #2: There isn't anything I can do at this point, except to stay away from him and/or to not be in a situation like that again with him, so I don't have to feel a way about anything ever again.

It will be about a month since that time.
~Crystal



I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.


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