Breaking down a phobia

For example: agoraphobia, claustrophobia, social phobia.

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madi
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu May 16, 2013 11:37 pm

Breaking down a phobia

Postby madi » Fri May 17, 2013 1:02 am

Hi everyone.
I’ve just posted my first introduction post in the new member section, but thought I’d save the analytical/panic for here.
I’m Madi, I’m 29 years old, I have CFS, FMS, Chronic Migraines, Depression/Anxiety, and a crippling fear of surgery.
… The last one is why I’m here. I’ve been avoiding a very simple procedure to remove a ridiculously large cyst in my abdomen for 12 years. I have left doctors rather than deal with this.
For some reason this is THE trigger for me. I struggle with a lot of other things, but this is the thing that has me ready to jump off a cliff.
The last three times I’ve tried to deal with this I’ve ended up borderline suicidal… Once the only thing that stopped me from trying was the idea that if I failed I’d have to explain to everyone what was wrong.
I’ve been freaking out about this for no particular reason for the last 3 or so weeks, I’ve hit the point where I can’t face having this cyst inside me anymore… But I can’t face what it takes to fix it.

But then the universe kicking me up the arse. I ended up with gastro this week, and I needed a doctors letter for work… Because it was gastro, he wanted to feel my stomach… And surprise surprise he felt the cyst.
I’m having an ultrasound on Monday, and honestly I’m freaking out so much that getting on my nerves. I hate that I’m so irrational about this.

I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out why I’m feeling so MUCH about this. I can’t even really pin point what I’m feeling. It’s just this solid wall of unpleasant emotion.
I found myself looking at a knife in the kitchen, thinking that if I was to stab my stomach the cyst would be gone. I understand the complete irrationality of this, and that that particular course of action would also lead to surgery… Which made me start to wonder what it was I was actually afraid of.
The things I can think of is:
Needles – but I’m rapidly getting over that. They only make me a little nervous now.
Being under anaesthetic – this is a big one, I don’t like the idea of being so helpless...
Being cut open – Not pleasant… But I was just honestly thinking stabbing myself would be better than surgery, so I’m thinking this might not be the cause so much as I think it is.
The waiting – I think this may actually be one of the massive keys to it. If I could go get this done RIGHT NOW I would. It’s just that when my mind gets the better of me I freak out.

All of these seem pretty reasonable up to this point… But then I came to a rather startling conclusions.
It’s people knowing.

It’s having to deal with people trying to offer helpful advice, or people knowing I’m afraid, or people knowing that I’ll be in hospital. This I’m finding harder to dissect.
I don’t want to talk to people after the tests. I don’t want to talk to people after the visit to the surgeon. If I could, I would drive myself to the hospital and not even tell my partner (of 7 years) that I was having it done, then drive myself home.

I can see myself getting through this if I shut absolutely everybody out… But not if people get involved.

And I just don’t understand why.
I love my partner, and I do want him to be there for me… But at the same time, I know that having him there for me is going to make me feel worse. Not to mention I don’t feel I can trust him not to tell every man and his dog.

I don’t want to tell the people at work what’s happening. Even though I’m going to need time off for it (depend how the dates line up it might be at the worst possible time as well…)

I just want to be able to ignore this, and pretend it doesn’t exist except for when I’m actually at the doctors/hospital… And I just don’t understand why.

If there’s anyone that can help me even begin to unravel this I’ll be eternally grateful.

- Madi

fallen
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:04 am

Postby fallen » Fri May 17, 2013 2:10 am

some where in your psyche you have a hidden fear maybe back to when you went to a doctor as a kid.
having been through surgery and know many that have there is nothing to fear, what you are feeling is irrational, but the good thing is that you recognise this.
perhaps try hypnotherapy to assist with your fear, i promise you won't be left barking like a dog or clucking like a chicken.
i and many others i know go often and it works wonders.
hope this helps ,be kind to your self

madi
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu May 16, 2013 11:37 pm

Postby madi » Fri May 17, 2013 2:21 am

Thank you for the reply.

I'm actually feeling semi good about this at the moment. It suddenly occurred to me that this is the final leg of this. Once I get through it, then the cyst is gone forever.
I'll never have to panic about the doctor finding out, I'll never have to hide anything... Christ, it's even going to make me look better, because it's given me a pot belly.

Here's hoping I can keep this attitude up.


My Mum was in and out of hospital a lot when I was little, but I don't really have a clear memory of any of it.
I was going to say the phobia only really kicked in when I was older, but I'd never been in a position to have to confront it before then... So maybe it's always been there.

fallen
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Mar 16, 2013 1:04 am

Postby fallen » Fri May 17, 2013 5:00 am

i'm really happy for you that you have come to this conclusion .
i wish you the best and hope that everything in your life always works out for for you.
take care of yourself.


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