THE YEAR'S BEST (actual) HEADLINES OF 2004:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(no, really?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(now that's taking things a bit far!)
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
(not if I wipe thoroughly!)
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
(what a guy!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-so's!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(see if that works any better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace
(I can see where it might have that effect!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(you think?!)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(who would have thought!)
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(they may be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(he probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(weren't they fat enough?!)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(That's what he gets for eating those beans!)
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
(Tastes like chicken?)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Boy, are they tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
