never thought I could feel this way

[ryan789]

I'm 30, male. My mother died when I was 2. I have 3 older siblings, 6 (brother), 10 (brother), and 13 (sister) years older. My dad was badly injured in a plane crash (he was a small plane pilot) shortly after my mom died. He met my stepmom in the hospital and they married shortly after. Then my dad died when I was 13. My dad did not have a will so my stepmom got everything. My only living older relative was my grandmother on my mom's side. My stepmom kicked my brother out of the house because they were not getting along (he was 19), and my other siblings hated her for that and the fact that she got everything. She raised me until I graduated high school then moved away. I have little to no relationship with anyone in my family. They are so much older and we were not around while I was being raised by my stepmom, and at this point I also have no relationship with my stepmom. I attached to a girlfriend and her family, we were together for 6 years, but finally broke up because I was not ready to get married. That was very hard on me, and I did not finish grad school because of it. I was already talking to another girl at the time, and we started dating a few months later and have been together until recently (nearly 5 years). This girl was much more special to me, but for some reason marriage never seemed right. I wanted so bad for it to be right. There was pressure to get engaged, and I did it thinking me and our relationship would grow to where we would be ready for marriage after that pressure was off. We both have uncomfortable family situations, so we planned on a destination wedding, but never actually made any plans. A couple wedding dates came and went. She was very upset but stayed with me for a few more months. I was always distant with my feelings but she joined me. At the end of January she finally couldn't take anymore and went out and met someone else. We were still living together. I never thought she would like anyone more than me but it has happened. I moved out for a while but was still in denial thinking we would get back together. Although in denial I was extremely depressed and lost about 30 pounds in 3 months. I could not take the living situation and moved back in and we lived together again for a couple weeks, although she was still seeing the same guy and I went on some dates. We would still hang sometimes, which was nice to pass time but upsetting at the same time because she is happy from this new guy and I am miserable for what I see as a major mistake in not marrying her. This living situation could not last obviously and she recently moved out. I have still been in denial until recently when we saw each other again for lunch saturday and hung out like nothing was wrong, both talking about people we were dating. She is still seeing the same guy and it is getting more and more serious which is really hurting me. Finally today I performed a pathetic pleading and begging to get her back over the phone which I hope was the bargaining stage of my grief, and now depression. I thought I had been depressed before but this feels like the real deal. Actual hopelessness, suicidal thoughts (mild and passing) no desire to do anything. Trying to watch TV but unable to focus on anything, just flipping through channels. Sentimental over every single thing that reminds me of her, reviewing all the good times in my mind. I am an engineer which is fairly demanding and have recently realized I don't really like my job. I could put up with it while in my relationship but I was always longing for something more in life, unfortunately I don't know what and the price to get it now seems too much. I wholeheartedly regret not marrying her and moving forward with my life. I have a real problem discussing feelings and I tried to surpress any serious talk that she would present. Now that we have broken up I am letting out feelings and trying to talk her to death to get her back and get her to understand that I actually care about her. I don't know if the problem is me or her but something wasn't right for us to get married. It sucks so much, I feel so alone. I am missing work but I got approved for FMLA leave for depression, there is still no way this is looking favorably among my bosses and coworkers. My relationship had gotten to the point where I knew I would be miserable no matter what choice I made, so I prolonged making that decision as long as possible. It hurts so bad, I drive and just scream out that I can't take the pain, I want the pain to go away. It feels like there is a web in my chest trying to implode my body on itself. I am depressed about the past, the future. I read books telling me I have the power to interpret the situation and control my emotions but it is impossible right now. I think I have love addiction and who knows what else, I definitely based my happiness too much on my girlfriend. Funny that I would often want to bring down her happiness to make her upset, or if she was upset I would try to cheer her up. We didn't fight directly but seemed to fight moods sometimes. All I can think about are the times we were together. We went on some amazing trips, St. Croix, St John, Belize, Florida, Chicago, Boston. We have so many memories. I feel completely ready to spend my life with her now but it is too late. I need to accept that but it is so hard. If she actually was ready to marry me again I might go back to my same old feelings. I am constantly wanting what I can't have. I feel like I will never be content. I have no idea who I am. I was prescribed zoloft but have been afraid to take it until now, I have just taken 2 doses. I am afraid of being addicted to an AD but it hurts so bad now I don't care. I also have klonopin and I haven't been sleeping the past week or so without it. I don't want to be on these drugs, I want to heal myself naturally but I am overwhelmed. I am moving out of the apartment to a house. I know where she is moving, I know where her new man lives and works. We still have to separate some furniture. We had a dog together that I have now but she is taking when she moves into the house her and her friends are renting. She told me how much better in bed she is now, all the fun her roommates will have with parties, her new man lives in a big house with a pool. He is still married but divorcing soon. Everyone tells me they are just rebounding together but nevertheless they really like each other and it is building. I know I need to stop contact and that is the plan from this point out. Easier said than done but I will do everything I can. I wish we didn't have to talk to work out the dog and furniture, but at least we don't have kids. I know my parents dying has messed me up, like I have the loving capacity of a 13 year old when my dad died. I don't know if that's true but I did everything I could to avoid having an intimate relationship with my ex, and now I realize that's all I want. Trust, honesty, honor, devotion. I don't know how I can do it but at least I want it now. I wish I could have started this transformation while we were together but there was not enough motivation. I have done pretty well to this point without dealing with whatever it is I need to deal with, but I can't wait any longer. I have been to some counselors but haven't found one I like and, surprise surprise, have trouble opening up to them. I know I need to be on my own and learn to love myself but I don't even know where to begin. All I want to do is meet girls and get some attention to make me feel better, especially because my ex is doing the same thing and I get to hear about the great sex they are having from people she works with. I know there is an amazing loving caring person inside of me but I don't know how to embrace that. I cheated on my ex trying to keep her around while I found myself, but that was never going to work. I was selfish for sure in doing that. Now I have that baggage that I am afraid to be honest about when I meet new people. I know I shouldn't be dating. I am seeing 2 girls right now and I need to tell them I am not emotionally ready to have anything more than a friendly relationship. I have done nothing more than kiss them, but I lied and told my ex I slept with one of them to try and make her jealous, she wasn't, at least as far as she told me. Then the next day told her I lied. Obviously any chance I may have had in getting her back any time soon is gone from going so crazy recently, but I know that truely the best thing for me to do is somehow be on my own and learn to love myself. I've read that in a bunch of books and message boards but I just don't even know how to go about doing that. Meanwhile everyone I know including my ex is in some sort of relationship and it is so hard. Everything reminds me of my ex we have been to about every restaurant, shop, and bar in this town and of course they all bring back memories. I am so sentimental. I know that will fade but it doesn't seem like it can happen fast enough for me before I lose my job and other terrible things happen to me. I shopped for a new car with my ex a couple weeks ago and cosigned the loan with her. Stupid. She resents me for wasting so much of her time and I can't blame her, I backed out of getting married. She is a waitress and was waiting for us to get married to get her life together, now that we are broken up and she is buying a new car and moving into a house with friends and seeing another guy she looks more attractive than ever and I am going crazy, meanwhile besides the weight loss I'm sure I'm looking the opposite, especially when I am begging for her back when I know deep down that is not possible, but for some reason it made me temporarily feel better to beg. She is my best friend and it hurts so bad to not have her to spend time with. I am not close to any other friends or family. I know this breakup is an opportunity to grow those relationships but right now I don't care. I just want to do NOTHING. Walking helps, working seems about impossible. Every little day to day task such as bills is unbearable and those tasks are piling up. I am back to not eating and I really shouldn't be losing any more weight. Although I am drinking a beer. I am scared of the drugs I am taking, truly scared. I don't want to miss the opportunity to be a better person because I am zombied out on drugs, and I am scared of being addicted to these. I know it is hard to ween off Zoloft. I can feel positive for 10 seconds or so but I slip back into this horrible negative hopelessness. I wish I could maintain the positive but it is hard when I am sitting in this apartment we lived in for over a year with our dog. All of her things are gone but a couple pieces of her furtniture but even that drives me nuts. The toilet paper she bought makes me sad, her long dark hairs are found everywhere. It's like the only person I was close to has stopped loving me, which is even worse than them drying. She loved me so much and I took it for granted. I always thought it would be there and I treated her like crap and never gave myself to her emotionally. I was manipulative. I need to grow up. I should have dealt with this years ago, it is so hard now with my job. I don't want to stop typing because I don't know what to do when I stop. I will sit on the couch, flip through channels, pace around, try to read a self help book, drive around listening to sad music. I have visited my dad's grave a few times which I never did before. I know the pain will build again to where I need to yell at myself, it scares me. I don't know what is off with me. People sometimes thought I was cool, sometimes emotional, strange guy in college, but now it is catching up. I miss my fiance. I wish we had a family, but obviously I am not ready for that. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my job and yet I want to do something else. I don't know what that something else is. I don't know who I am. I don't want to get stuck in this state which I have seen others do, I don't want to be obsessed with my ex and how happy she is seemingly becoming. I think she has problems too that she is afraid to admit, but she seems to be better at moving on from negativity than I am while I dwell on it. It kills me that she doesn't want to be with me. I should not have been selfish and tried to keep her around while I found myself. We even broke up before we got engaged but it still never felt right. I won't understand until I am completely on my own and over her. I feel like that will take years and it is terrifying, hence the begging for her back. I know it is best for me in the long run, but so terrifying. I am on the brink of losing control of my life. I don't know what to do, how long to be miserable. My grandma nearly died recently and I didn't really care. I mean, I called and got sad, but what I was really hoping for was getting attention from my ex. In fact, I don't remember truly being upset over my dad. I remember using his death to get attention too. I actually enjoy telling people about my parents being dead because it makes me feel special, different. Unbelievable. People get uncomfortable when they find it out. I was always thinking about being with other girls when I was with my ex, now I realize I had a woman who would have married me and been good to me right there. Depressing. If anyone actually reads this whole thing I will be shocked, but it has been theraputeic to type it. Obviously I would love to chat.

[shatteredhopes]

BIG BIG HUGS friend. You are hurting much I can see from what you wrote.

First, zoloft is NOT addictive and some people only need to take anti-depressants for a short time, not for life, and the only reason it can be hard to come off them is that the brain starts to rely on the medicine to stimulate chemicals/reactors so there's an adjustment period as the natural processes kick back in, but it can be done pretty easily with a tapering off under doctor's supervision. Klonapin, like other anxiety mild narcotics, is not really addictive from what I understand in small doses as long as it is taken as prescribed and not abused, it can be extremely helpful. So give the meds a try...unlikely they will zombie you and if they do you can try something else that won't as there are tons on the market. Mostly, for those they work for, they just perk you up a little bit stimulating natural chemicals that make you feel a little better, more motivated, less severely depressed...some people that's all they need, for many, therapy in conjunction can be extremely useful...to talk out your feelings with an objective professional who can help you find yourself and set some goals for the short and long term.

As far as your ex, I sooooo sympathize. After my divorce I waited a decade before I dared start a relationship and did with the person I thought was "the one" for me. He treated me poorly at times, great at times, but ultimately dumped me, harshly at that,...and quickly moved on with someone else...I had been through a series of difficult and traumatic events in my life over the previous few years and sort of viewed him and our relationship as the last hope for a decent life again and vested everything in the relationship and put up with much, in retrospect, I shouldn't have...so I know the obsessive thinking, the missing them, the longing, the phases of grief...check Amazon for a book called "how to fall out of love" I think Dr. Debra Phillips is the author...cheap paperback, not a panacea but the techniques can be helpful for some, especially for getting over the obsessive thoughts, the jealously, and in your case, having to still see her.

You are wise to refrain from a relationship until you get yourself together a bit as it could be disastrous and you could end up hurt even more or hurting another badly. Its hard to be alone, and start over, but supposedly can be done one step at a time...meanwhile, just take care of yourself and cope the best you can. Writing out feelings helps. Small comforts and pleasures may help. Finding a hobby like a creative outlet may help you find some simple enjoyment and distraction. Since you will be losing your joint pet, if you like pets, you might want to consider adopting a new one. Pets can be great therapy, loving us unconditionally and keeping us from being so very alone.

I tell you these things but know for myself I am a complete mess and not doing too well myself...I need to heed my own advice...but you have found a site here at least where you can find supportive peer partners on your journey who will not judge you and offer you suggestions and friendly, caring support. So welcome!

Wishing you a little light and peace in your day...

[ryan789]

Thanks for the reply. I am hurting much, but I am trying the Zoloft and I must say I am definitely feeling the effects already. I'm in a daze and I have a slight headache. I don't really like this feeling but it is better than what I felt before. The pain before was getting so unbearable I was moaning and yelling while driving. Too much to function. When it was milder I could actually feel brief positive moments about the pain by enjoying it and how it made me feel alive, but it finally became overwhelmind. The zoloft seems to keep my mind in the present and not worrying about the past or future, which I now realize I have a HUGE problem with. Worrying about mistakes in the past or how I should have lived my life differently and even making up things that I might be upset about in the future. Zoloft maybe zaps my creativity but that is what I need right now. I also went to counseling today and getting "fixed" enough to get off this drug was one of my primary goals.

Unfortunately even though I am this upset about my ex, I was the one treating her poorly through much of the relationship. Long story short, I was selfish and tried to keep her while I wanted to be alone and grow up at the same time. Obviously that doesn't work. We were even engaged but I could never set a date so that's what ultimately made her leave. Now she is happier without me and I am miserable but this is what I deserve for not being honest with her and myself for all these years, and at the same time what I need to grow up, love myself, and be capable of forming intimate relationships. I think I passed the bargaining phase of grief with my one last pathetic phone call pleading to get her back and that I was ready to get married and I would change blah blah. Funny thing is that deep down if she had agreed I think I would have been terrified and gone right back to my old feelings. So now I think I'm in the depression stage which has my mindset jumping all over the place, but in general I am very motivated to pull myself out of this. It is definitely a crossroads greater than any I've ever faced, and I'm looking forward to doing whatever it takes to pull myself out of it. I'd rather there not be medications involved but I'm hoping it aids the process.

I've been on a few dates and have a pretty good connection with this last girl, but last night I told her pretty much everything about the state I'm in. Fortunately she is not much further removed from a divorce so I think the companionship and listening is good for both of us, I know it's good for me. Hell it's great for me I am so thankful to have her to see and talk to but I need to be careful and not get "addicted" to another female, even if we are just friends. I am agnostic but I found a church I'm going to try, http://www.unitytemple.com/. They also hold sex and love addicts meetings there which I will probably try out. I am definitely bombarding myself with self help, I hope it's not too much but I don't really see how that's possible.

I'm sorry you are not doing too well yourself, I'd love to hear anything you'd like to write about. Writing these posts is theraputic.

UPDATE: I just reread what I wrote and am amazed and the mindset change. I also noticed I reiterated a lot. I hope that was the bottom.