my life sucks

[cardiac]

DEPRESSED???
Or something more
There was one a man that most people would think should be happy. But his life known to them is far from the truth.
He has a wife and five kids, a dog, and more bills than he can pay.” In his life time”. He has a heart condition and a special needs daughter. (That he loves).He is the sole provider for his family. And he does the best he knows how. But it never seems to be enough. The bills keep growing. And things keep breaking and if things keep going this way. He will break someday soon as well.
HISTORY
It all started as a child. As a child he was never very popular, and has not changed much to this date. He did make some friend along the way, as a child and even some as an adult, but for one reason or another the all moved away or he did. And the rest befriended him somewhere along the way. Now he has no true friends, nobody he trusts enough to share any truly personal things.
He was never good at sports of any kind. Not good at games and is still a poor looser to this day. Even thought he should be use to it.
He was a troubled child all through his years of school. He was lucky to hold a ‘c’ average, never excelling in any class. He was all ways in trouble, at home and in school, getting in fights, (usually losing them).
He was sent to a counselor several times, as a child and quickly learned not to tell them the truth. It did not take long for him to learn what to tell them and what not to tell them, and that is exactly what he did, he pretty, much knew what they wanted and how to answer their questions, he actually got pretty good at it and to this day he still can, if he wants to he can lie his way through any test or put on a front for the people he works with so nobody has a clue what’s really going on in his head. Most people think he is happy and has a wonderful life, they all think he has a lot of friends, a nice home, and a wife that loves to talk to him. And kids that thinks he’s the best thing since sliced bread. He has even made up lies about the family dog. Pretty pathetic, Hugh.
THE US NAVY
He spent 5 years in the military, he never did excel there either, his evaluations were all ways low and at one point he was actually sent to see a psychologist about suicidal thoughts and doing reckless things like driving way to fast, drinking, he would not even try to get promoted, it was like he didn’t care. He did care though he watched as others got advanced and moved in to better jobs with more responsibilities. Some had even become his supervisors. He was jealous of them, but wouldn’t tell anyone or even ask for help. When he went to the doctors, it did not take him long to convince the professionals that he was fine and nothing to worry about, that he wasn’t a threat to himself or anyone else. But little did the shrink know just how close he came to actually killing his self. Nobody knew how he had found a secluded spot on the top of the parking garage where nobody could see him or try to stop him. On his appointment days he would arrive early and would climb on to the ledge of the 8th floor, wishing he could just get the nerve to just close his eyes and do it. Instead of looking at this as a good thing, he looked at it as just something else he failed to do. He later got out of the military and over the next year or so he wandered from job to job when he met a woman. (Will talk about her later)
After working a few dead end jobs he decided to start a new career driving a truck. The woman he was living with thought it was a good idea. So off he went to trucking school. Things went well for a while he seemed to be very good at it. But this was to lead to the failure of this relationship with his live in girlfriend. After ending the relationship he continued to drive burying his self in the life of a truck driver, and over the next two years. Never dating or even trying to start another relationship. He spent his free time with his father trying to be the good son, helping him do things around the house and starting new hobbies they could do together. Until one day he met a woman at his parents’ house on Thanksgiving Day it was love at first sight. (Will talk about her later as well) he switched companies several times each time hoping it would help his financial status. But it never did, each time was just a bigger failure than the last, causing more and more financial problems for him and his family. Then one day he got a bright idea to take his truck driving career overseas (to Iraq). He had very high hopes of how this would work out. And it seemed it would for once, but this was just another doomed venture. When he got there he got there he was assigned to a base in Baghdad, and life was good for a while. He finally felt his life was turning around, finally taking a turn for the better. He had made a lot of friends, he was enjoying his job, and he was making more money than he ever had in his life. He was happy. The bills were getting paid. Until November the 2nd 2006, the day that changed his life forever.
He had gone home for his very first r/r, feeling good about the future and having money to spend, and spend he did, he bought a new car, lots of presents for the kids and his wife. He was happier than he had been in years. Then on November 2nd 2006 he was standing in his back yard when his heart attack started, it only took a few minutes for this to turn a happy man, in to someone with no future. Within just a few minutes he was holding his chest, crying like a baby. Soon the guilt set in. he was apologizing for leaving her; he thought he was going to die. And I guess a part of him did. His wife drove him to the hospital and after a short exam by the emergency room team. He was transcend to a hospital in San Antonio via life flight, then rushed into surgery.
He survived the heart attack but things changed fast for him after that, he lost his job, his medical insurance, and his friends. He was devastated. He had let his wife and kids down causing financial problems that still haunt him to this day. Unknowingly he ruined everybody Christmas by being depressed to the point nobody wanted to be around him.
It was nearly three months before he could even return to driving a truck, not overseas, but back in the United States again. The bills started piling up even faster, putting even more stress for his wife.
He set himself a goal to get back to Iraq; it took him another 5 months before he finally got the doctors to clear him to return to Iraq.
He was off again almost exactly one year from the first time he went. A few of the friends he had made the first time were still there. And glad to see them all again. He had returned hoping to get that feeling again; he felt he was doing the right thing. Taking care of his family. But things have never been the same since his return, the job had changed, the people had changed. And I guess he had chanced too. Now two and a half years later he is still there working, but the hope is gone, now it is just another lousy job, most of the people he knew are now gone and he feels the only thing he is doing is just digging the hole he is in, bigger and deeper. But he knows that coming home would just add to his financial demise just that much faster. Also causing his wife and kids more hardship. So despite his hatred for his job and the entire middle east. He continues to work even though he knows there is no possibility of things having a positive ending. If this was all he had to worry about he might be fine but probably not. All his life he has been afraid of things. Things that most people are not. Things like failure, lack of importance, water, heights, the dark. And even sex and growing old. He has developed a very nasty temper, and even though he doesn’t intend for it to happen. His wife usually receives the brunt of it. And when the two of the have a fight it’s a dozy. She with pms and he with a bad attitude make for a very unhappy ending of the day for both of them.
ANGER AND TEMPER
He has noticed and I am sure others have too. That sometimes he is not a very nice person. He tends to take everything personal. He feels that most things are a direct attack on him. Or there is an alternative reason behind their actions, a perfect example; if his wife doesn’t answer the phone. It only takes a day or two for his head to fill with thoughts that she is leaving him, or she is mad at him. Although his wife p m s doesn’t help, on more than one occasion the combination has almost been fatal to their relationship. He loves his kids but his patience with them has gotten a lot shorter over the last few years. He doesn’t feel that he is a good father, and is a poor male role model for his three sons. He has feelings that he is not a man that his daughters can be proud of for much of anything.
WATER
His wife and kids love the water, and they all think he does too. But that is just a front that he puts up because he is embarrassed to tell her the truth. That going in the water scares the hell out of him. He has always been pressured to love the water since he was a kid by his father, and friends. His father had a boat and expected him to love the water making him learn to ski and swim, and to this day is still not good at either one. His father thinks it’s funny and bragged about putting a life vest on him and throwing him in the water and letting him scream till he accepted it and quit screaming. Though he does not remember it just the story pisses him off. Tying to make his father proud of him he took the class to learn to scuba dive and things never did go right with that on his first training dive. A man in the class had an air embolism and all most died. He watched as the man started screaming in pain and clawing at him to protect himself he went back underwater leaving the dyeing man on the surface, luckily the instructors saved the man getting him to shore and rushed to the hospital. Then a year or so later he was making a dive with his father. The dive was off the breakwater on the island of Guam. And like most other things this was a doomed adventure. This dive required the diver to enter the water in a negative buoyant state through dangerous surf. He made a mistake and entered the water with air in his life vest, unable to go under the water to escape the dangerous surf. But did everything else correct timing the waves to enter during the short calm in-between the sets of waves. But this was a mistake that Mother Nature took full advantage of. The air trapped him on the surface where he was picked up by the next set of waves, and repeatedly thrown onto the rocks. His father did come to his rescue him picking him up out of the surf and carrying him to shore. (This he remembers completely), he then removed the air from his vest, and putting his regulator in his mouth and dragging him screaming back in to the water giving his father a false sense of accomplishment, he finally calmed down and finish the dive without further incident. After the dive his father explained to him that he did it for his own good, and said “ if I hadn’t drug you back in you would probably never gone in the water again. To his day His wife swims like a fish but he swims like a rock and is terrified to go into the water where he cannot touch bottom as a matter of fact knee deep is deep enough for him. It depresses him to watch his family have so much fun doing something he is horrified to do but not wanting to look bad in their eyes he keeps his mouth closed and watches the fun from as far away as he can. His wife just thinks he is being over protective when he makes the kids stay close to shore he just doesn’t want the in water that he cannot protect them in and the sea also still adds a level of anxiety.
HEIGHTS
Heights, yes he is afraid of them too. But to show he is a trooper he will go on roller coasters weather he wants to or not. Because he is not man enough to tell anyone the truth epically his kids. His little girls love them and want so much for him to go with them. He always tells himself that a real man wouldn’t have such childish fears and doesn’t want his wife or his kids to think badly of him.
THE DARK
The dark, yes he is afraid of being alone in the dark. He still has childish fears of things like Sasquatch and can he can feel his blood pressure rise when he is alone and strange noises tend to bring back his childhood fears.
Three years ago he almost died of a heart attack. He was crying like a baby all the way to the hospital as his wife drove him there. He was transported by life flight to the Cath Lab where his doctor saved his life. He lives now with pain from daily angina attacks. The only good thing is that the pain is controlled by medication most of the time, but he is reminded of his condition every time he exerts himself or tries to sleep. Now so aware of his heart that he can feel it beating, to the point that it keeps him awake. He takes sleeping pills now that force him to sleep. The good thing about the sleeping pills is while he takes them he does not usually have nightmares. Because without them he wakes up from the dreams of bugs climbing from sores on his body or plane crashes or a multitude of other possibilities most of which he doesn’t even remember.
GROWING OLD ALONE
He has a fear of growing old alone. As much as this scares him and want his wife to be him he has a real problem and a fear of this it seems to him no matter what he does he pushes his family further and further away. Looking for fault when there is none present accusing her of not loving him.
SUICIDE
Yes suicide. Thoughts of how to end his own life are a daily thing for him some days are worse than others. Some days that is all he can think of he will see a fast moving vehicle and think about just walking out in front of it. Thoughts of driving into walls, or over a roadside bomb, but that all seems to messy hanging himself to painful and he doesn’t like pain. He has sat and tried to figure out just how many sleeping pills it would take to let him go to sleep and just never wake up. This seems to be the best way he could come up with but he is afraid that he would just get sick and throw up, before the pills have time to do their job or just end up in a coma. Continuing to be a burden to everyone. The one thing that keeps him going every day is the fear of letting his family down again but if he did commit suicide he would only let them down one last time, and that might be better than a life time of failures. But if for some reason he lost their love, who knows what he would do, or how long he would last but I am sure it would not be that long. Even on his last vacation to the beach he thought about swimming out to sea knowing he is not a strong enough swimmer to make it back to shore.
SEX
Sex, now that is a tricky subject for him, also one that is scary for him he I worried about being able to perform when he wants to. It is one thing he really loved to do and was pretty good at for many years. Now he suffers with erectile dysfunction, his inability to achieve and maintain an erection was gotten steadily gotten worse. Even thought he was nearly 20 years old before he lost his virginity to an older woman. And he has only been with three women ever in his life. The first two relationships ended in disaster. The first one involving the older woman ended shortly after she became pregnant she decided that she wanted to have an abortion so he gave her some money for an abortion. She took the money and disappeared and was never to be seen again.
The second woman he ever slept with was also an older woman but fortunately for him she couldn’t get pregnant. He lived with her for nearly two years. When he became a truck driver and hit the road she got a new boy friend not knowing this he continued to pay the bills, until one day he came into town unannounced to find another man staying at the house. Once he found out he did a very nasty thing to her and ended the relationship with her in a way that it could never be reconciled.
He waited nearly two years after that before he ever even dated again. Love was bound to happen again, and it did. His sister invited a woman to their parent’s house for thanksgiving when he met her it seemed to be love at first sight for him and for her because they got married six months later and Theresa became his wife. He spent every moment he could with her or thinking about her. They had three dates over the next two week and on the third date he purposed to her and she accepted. It would be six months before the wedding could take place and neither of them could wait. They had sex soon after the proposal and it was not long till she became pregnant with their first of five children. Giving the =m a total of six, five of his and one step child from her. These two had sex all the time they both seemed to enjoy it. Some times 3,4 or even 5 times a day when they were together, but like all things this was not to last after 5 kids the time was not there, she was to tired or he was. After the 3rd child together the decided they had enough and he decided that he should get a vasectomy and he did. But with his luck, it happened. She got pregnant again. Yes that’s right it failed. And instead of just one she was pregnant with twins. 3+2 equals 5. Well he did the only thing he could do; he went and had another vasectomy. And made sure it took this time before he would have sex again. But this is when other things started to happen. His performance was reduced in the bed room he had trouble getting and maintaining an erection. She thought it was her. He knew it was him he was just wrong about the cause. He blamed it on stress, but it turned out to be heart disease. As a matter of fact the day he had the heart attack, he had gone to a doctor and told him about his problems and was prescribed *****. He never took it because he had his heart attack 6 hours later.
Money
Money problems, you bet, every card he and she has is maxed to the limit, and he owes back taxes. He has medical bills that accumulate like rain in a hurricane. A house that is falling apart to the point he and she don’t want anyone to visit because they are embarrassed about the conditions they live in. and things just keep breaking. He owes his parents money all his and his daughters’ doctors just keep sending more. His kids need to see a dentist. And they all wear glasses that the kids tend to break on a weekly basis. And it seems the more he makes the more hands that are out there slapping him and taking every last penny he makes.
Seeking treatment
Seeking treatment for depression is not only impossible. It is not going to happen. If he can’t treat his self he will have to do without. Because seeking treatment would have more negative repercussions than anything else. He might just benefit from some kind of therapy. Seeking that kind of help would cause a chain reaction of events. First he would lose his job, medical insurance for him and his family. And being on medication would be a death sentence for his career as a truck driver. You can’t get a CDL with that kind of mark against you. He would lose what little respect my father still has for him and he knows it. He couldn’t handle or afford to be put in a hospital for something like that. Just the thought of all that only adds to=o the depression. He is in a lose, lose situation. With no way out. The only way he would seek treatment from a doctor would be if he thought he was going to lose her and the kids, because without them nothing else matters.
STARTING OVER
This is a joke. He knows he is too old to start over again. He has no education to fall back on, no job skills other than driving a truck. Because of where he lives his chance of finding a local job with decent benefits is not even a real possibility. Uprooting his family just so he can be closer to them seems a tad bit selfish to him. His wife would have to give up her house, and with his bad credit the chances of ever getting another is something that won’t happen. Both of his daughters would lose all their friends, one would lose her soccer, the other would lose her doctors, that have cared for her since her birth, the boys would also lose their friends but would probably adapt better than the girls. His wife would never forgive him if she had to move back into a rental or an apartment. And who would be to blame, him of course. He has other interests such as becoming a teacher but knows he would never make it through the schooling required and he is afraid to try knowing it would most likely end in failure.
Conclusion
He is a very troubled man that is a magnet for failure. It is only a matter of time till everything he tries to do fails. He is not the man his wife Theresa thought she was marrying. He knows people that stay away from him, are the lucky ones. He has become a burden on his wife, something he never wanted to do. But he has no choice but keep trudging on, trying to make a difference in the lives of his family even as futile as it is. He cannot seek help because if it was ever discovered he would lose his only way to make a living. Until the day comes that his wife gives up on him, or his kids do.ots not that he wants to die, he is just tired of living. Tired of failing. Tired of losing. Tired of letting people that he cares about down. Tired of hurting, mentally and physically.
The happy days
He can remember s few good days even thought the bad ones outweigh the good ones. Some of the good days are the birth of his first daughter, Christy. He remembers going to six flags the night she was born. It was his wife’s idea. She wanted her son to go, so even during active labor his wife continued to walk all over making sure to let him do everything he wanted. Then that night after midnight he took her to the hospital. This was like noting he had ever seen before watching his first daughter come into the world. No insurance and no way to pay the bills brought stress to the situation. He remembers how he felt when his wife complained about the hospital and the staff. How she was the only woman in the ward that spoke English. How even thought it was the best he could do it wasn’t enough. He vowed to himself it would never happen again, and it didn’t he made sure she had insurance for the next four children.
The next to be born was his second daughter, Jennifer. She was a very large child but his wife had very little complications delivering her. He did more that watch this time, he actually cut the cord. He was glad he got to do it. But being happy that his wife was fine, and his new daughter was in the world, and he had insurance this time witch made him feel a lot better, about the care she was given. But the happiness was soon to be squashed.
During the post delivery health check on the baby, they found some problems. She had a place on her scalp that was missing hair. The nurse also found that she had a problem with one eye. They started calling in the professionals, the worst of all the problems showed up. She started having seizures. He blamed his self for this knowing it was his bad luck that had affected his daughter somehow. She was transferred to the neonatal unit. Where she spent the next week or so. To this day she still has vision problems. Developmental problems and seizures. And a father that has a very hard time dealing with her. Even though he knows it is not her fault. He is glad that his wife is able to deal with her problems, glad she is strong enough because Jennifer is a lot of work, more than most people would be able to deal with.
Next came Dougie, his first son and his name sake. Dougie was a rather difficult delivery; his wife was in labor for a very long time. But when the time came his first son came into the world, and this time he did even more. He was not only in the delivery room he was there to catch him, being the first to make physical contact with him. Will all ways be a very special memory for him? The baby was fine his wife was fine and the bills came piling in. the two of them decided that this should be the end of their baby making days, and you already know how that turned out.
Next came the twins Thomas and timothy. They had to be delivered by c-section. Causing his wife a lot of pain. All three survived. They here so small when they were born. Diaper didn’t fit. Clothes didn’t fit either. He remembers going out looking for something they could wear, glad when they grew enough to start wearing clothes for newborns. Both have turned out well over coming being so small. And adding to the family.
There is one more that has only been mentioned briefly. And that is his step son nick. He had such a promising future but threw it all away for drugs and a good time. He knows his wife blames him in some way for this. He needed to be a better role model, but being a truck driver he was not around enough to make too many changes. He is worried because he still is not there. Not for the three boys, two girls, and one wife at home. Who is dealing with all of this by herself. He is not helping, only adding to her problems. Because you can see just how f***** in the head he is.
MEMORY PROBLEMS
He has a problem remembering things short term. He can be introduced to someone and forget their name before the conversation ends, this is nothing new. But has gotten a lot worse. He can forget people’s names that he has known for years. Until he is reminded somehow. He still can’t tell his twins apart the how bad of a father is he to not even remember their names and let’s not even talk about birth days the only one he can remember is his oldest son and only because he scares the same date as his own older sister. He can go somewhere with his wife, even with him driving and her telling how to get there, the next time he goes to the same place he will need her help again because he would surely get lost. There are a lot of things he can’t remember but that is all boring so we will move on.
Family History
Genetically challenged is he. His father has heart disease. His mother has a pace maker, and diabetes. His grandfather died from heart failure and cancer.
List of accomplishments
Got married, Learned to scuba dive, learned to drive a tractor trailer, got back to Iraq when nobody thought he would, got married and has stayed that way, had 5 kids, made it through boot camp, never got demoted in rank while in the military even though he did come close a few times. Became a truck driver trainer, learned to drive a boat.
List of failures
Never got advanced in the military like others did, failed out school in the navy, never went to collage failed as a father more times than he can count, failed as a husband, failed in trucking was about to lose his job in the states because of accidents and tickets, failed as an owner operator and lost his truck and had to go back to being a company driver, can’t swim well, failed to get promoted in Iraq, not enough education to get a decent job, had a heart attack at 38, mental problems, can’t keep room clean, can’t get house repaired, made more bills than he can pay, can’t remember his kids or his parents birth days, erectile dysfunction, did not make use of his time in the military to get an education, can’t quit smoking, cross-dressing, can’t make friends, bad son he could do more for his parents, Can’t play games, poor loser, dyslexia, cant type, won’t read to his kids because he is to embarrassed, failed to end his life to make things better for all, lets people walk over him, insecure, no faith in people, he is selfish, lies to everyone because he is too embarrassed to let anyone know the truth, good at nothing, not good with animals, couldn’t get a date for the prom in high school because he had no girlfriend, couldn’t get advanced in the n.j.r.o.t.c in high school, became a burden to his wife.
MENTAL THINGS
He has the ability without even trying, to turn everything negative is the one that upsets his wife the most. He does it with his wife, his kids, at work or at home it doesn’t matter. His daughter has had the same coach for ever but instead of looking at the good he is doing for his daughter. He looks at it as an attack on him, afraid of losing his daughters love, I guess it is jealousy this man has had more interaction with his daughter than he ever has. Taking her to games, practice and tournaments. His son wants to go see a friend while he is home he tends to also take it personal, even though he wasn’t planning to do anything with him. His wife he does it to her to, if she tries to plan anything without him whether he is there or not. He expects everyone to put their life on hold when he is home, makes his wife and everyone else feel guilty if they plan anything even if they invite him or want him to go. If the kids or his wife plan anything he makes them feel guilty instead of being happy that they have a life and friends. He knows this about himself but no matter how much he tries the feelings come through. He gets depressed taking everything as an attack on him. Even when he knows it not to be true and just how screwed up his thinking is. If one thing goes wrong during the day that is all he can focused on. Losing his keys has ruined an entire day he gets so mad especially when it was probably him that lost them in the first place.
BED WETTING
When he was a child he use to wet the bed. No matter how much he tried he would still wake up in the morning to a wet bed soaked in his own urine. This added a unique aspect to his friendships. He could not spend the night at any of his friend’s houses, nor would he invite them over. At least none that he can remember. He was often teased by is family his father would call him names and even threaten to make him wear diapers saying things like only babies wet the bed and babies wear diapers. They would buy mattress covers for his bed. The kind that were very thick and made a lot of noise when anyone would sit on his bed with that on his bed. He knew he could not invite friends over because he didn’t want to have to explain why his bed was covered in plastic. He was so embarrassed by the bed wetting that he would lie about it to his mother and if she didn’t check he would sleep in the same wet sheets the next night. It was not until he was 10-12 that he finally out grew this problem. And now his own daughter has the same problem, he blames his self for this because he knows she got the jeans from him.
FIRST TRIP TO THE BEACH
One day they were on a family trip to the beach and his van got stuck in the sand, you would have thought that’s someone stole the ocean the way he reacted yelling at everybody, cussing like a sailor. It wasn’t the end of the world but he thought it was. His wife got the kids out gave them the shovels and treated it like an adventure after digging for a while somebody drove up with a 4X4 and pulled them out. For free and they were glad to do it. But it was hours before he calmed down enough to start enjoying the trip again, but that was to be because when lunch time came he started to get the grill ready one it was hot,(too hot). The meat either burned or stuck so bad, that this destroyed everything. Due to his frustration he started slinging all the food, making the sea gulls very happy, but not solving the problem; his wife took over and started fixing sandwiches for everyone including him. He calmed down and started cleaning up his mess from the grill, dumping the coals out on the ground way away from where anybody would be walking, or playing but later after sitting around he needed to use the restroom and decided to climb the dunes to find a secluded spot. He had forgotten all about the coals that he had buried in the sand and stepped directly on them burning the bottom of his foot. What a way to end the first day of his family vacation. Even though it seemed everyone else was now enjoying the beach. It was him and him alone that decided that it was time to head to the hotel for the night. When they got there his wife made sure the kids the kids were all cleaned up Jennifer had her meds and got them all settled in the other room. He was so upset by the events of the day that even though they were alone, finally, and had the time he never took the hints that she was giving him for sex, he just kissed her and rolled over and went to sleep. They had a fight about that later when they got home. The next day was pretty uneventful he actually managed to relax a bit. He did manage to use the grill the next day to at least cook some hotdogs. But spent the day telling the kids to stay in the shallow water and not to venture out to far from shore. No telling how many times he did that, but I’m sure the count would have been pretty high. But even with all that he started to relax and really started to finally start enjoying the trip. Just sitting on the beach with his toes buried in the sand watching his wife and kids playing in the water and wanting to make an effort, and a whole lot of guilt about how he had been acting. He made an excuse to go to town by himself buying more supplies so they could stay on the beach longer that day he left and when he got there he did what he had told his wife he was going to do, but he did something else he went to a surf shop and spent some money and bought all the kids bogie boards, they had not asked for them and were making do with what they had brought with them. But were truly surprised when he returned with them. The kids try to wear them out the first day. This turned out to be the turning point for him on the trip he really started having fun playing with the kids and forgetting about his worries for a moment. I think the only thing that went wrong that day was they all got sunburned. They stayed on the beach as long as they could, and didn’t get back to the hotel till very late and by the time they all got their showers and sunburn cream applied to all. And put in bed he laid in bed with his wife, she may have wanted to have sex that night too, but was way to tiered and feel asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.
The last day started when the all got up checked out of the hotel, and headed for the beach one last time after playing for a while, he started to revert back into his old self. Worrying about the drive home, about their sunburns and cut their time short that day.
His wife not really liking his decision got the kids back in the van. They did stop at a turtle rescue center and the kids really enjoyed the turtles that were on display. And even learned a few things about them. His wife is always about getting them to learn new things when she can. But he was more worried about the shoe that one of the kids lost and the drive home and got very annoying about it, until finally they all loaded up and drove home.
The only good thing that actually came out of this trip for him was one and a half good days for him, watching the kids had a blast playing in the water, and even his wife had a good time when she wasn’t trying to calm him down. But that was enough to make him want to return the next year. And to stay a lot longer. And they did.
The next year the returned to the beach. And instead of staying in a hotel they camped on the beach for nearly a week. Camping out, cooking out, and sleeping under the stars. We were a lot more prepared this trip than the last also we had more plans.
It still started kind of rough, not getting there until almost midnight and at high tide which made the drive down the beach very interesting. But they made it and with only a few setbacks his wife got the tent set up and quickly got the kids down for the night. He and his wife had a few moments alone and sat and talked and listened to the waves role in, until they finally went to bed as well.
The next morning the kids got up and ate breakfast and played in the sand until the sun got the beach warm enough for the kids to get their boards out and went to catch some waves. He had been sitting watching them and they kept bugging him to join them so after much coaching he got up remove his short and got in the water. The only good thing is at this age the water is up to their chest and is still only waist deep for him. After playing with them for a while he returned to his chair in the shade to sit and relax and just watch the children play, and play they did, for hours on end only commit out to get a drink and then it was back into the water for them. He returned to a few times and his wife ventured out further and further, not wanting to look weak to her he joined her. And it was all going fine till he stepped into a hole and went under, and a wave went over his head he immediately headed for shallower water his wife never even knew anything was wrong, but he did, and was glad to be back in shallow water again, and that is where he stayed until lunch time.
When lunch time came he got out the grill. A new one this time. Hopeing not to have a repeat of the year before. It was slow but did very well all the meat got cooked and everyone ate till their hearts content. Both lunch and dinner went off without a hitch.
The next day started out about the same. But today they had plans or at least the girls did. Because today they were going to leave the boys and go onto a boat to look for dolphins, and they did manage to find them the girls came back to the campsite with tales of the dolphins, starfish, and rays. He was happy that the girls had such a good time, and was looking forward to the next day when he would take the boys and do the same thing. But the next day he and the boys arrived at the docks paid and got on it but there was not enough people to take the big boat out so they were loaded onto a smaller boat and set out to search for dolphins. But none were found, the captain of the boat could not believe they could not find a single dolphin, he told him this was the first time all year that the boat had failed to find any, but he could believe it and immediately blamed himself for it, and even on the last part of the cruise when the captain set a net to catch marine life for a show and tell for the kids, the next came up pretty much empty, and being on the smaller boat the boys had to fight to even get close enough to see.
When the cruise was over they got back into the van and headed back to camp. He blamed his bad luck for everyone on the boat not getting to see any dolphins. And now in a bad mood and blaming himself he was wishing he had sent the boys with his wife the day before, they would have had more fun and saw more things without him, I’m bad luck is what he thought to himself he let it control him. The rest of the day was shot there was nothing anyone could do the cheer him up. And they tried.
But with all the things that went wrong on the trip there is one night he remember particularly well. It was the first night they did smores. All day long his wife tried to convince him to build a fie so the kids could have their treat. But being his happy and adventurous self, he came up with every excuse in the book not to do it. That day he decided to go to town or she sent him, and while he was gone she collected drift wood enough t build a fire, even though he said it couldn’t be done. And when he got back he got mad. When he finally gave in and decided to give it a chance. He placed a bag of charcoal in a whole the kids had dug and piled all the drift wood on top of it. He then lit the charcoal and it only took a few minutes for the wood he said wouldn’t burn to catch. To his surprise he had built his first ever campfire. The kids were so excited. He kept the fire burning and after dinner the kids, his wife, and him all roasted marshmallows, and he had his first smore. The kids were all having such a good time he couldn’t help but enjoy himself. After that the all sat around the camp fire looking at the stars and listening to the waves till the kids started falling asleep. His wife made all the kids go to bed and it did not take long for them all to fall asleep. Now alone sitting by the fire they had some time to themselves.
The things he remember the most about the trip is not feeling pressured by the clock since they had nowhere to go since they were staying on the beach. Watching the kids and his wife play in the surf. Flying a kite that he had bought at a kite shop. The all ate really good he never burned anything, disappointing the sea gulls. Relaxing and enjoying the sounds of the ocean. And just being with his family. And it may be stupid but he still feels bad about taking the boys on the only dolphin less, dolphin watch, and getting angry about things that really didn’t even matter.

[shatteredhopes]

Hi ((((((((((((Cardiac))))))))))! I remember you from when I used to go to the chatroom. Glad you found the forum section of the site!

First, I am so sorry your situation and the economy keeps you in Iraq separated from your family and that you cannot seek help for risk of losing your job. That must be extremely difficult, and I hope the peer support in the chatroom has helped some.

Many of us, like you, have deep seeded fears of things some from childhood and some seeming irrational. I actually think its more common than most people admit. We just talk more openly on a site like this. But know you are not alone.

One thing I would suggest is start with a few small changes. Try to control the anger a bit by really watching how and what you say in pms to your wife. This must be extremely hard on her too, and I know everyone is doing the best they can in the situation. Just being kind and loving as much as possible to each other may help a little. Maybe write out some love notes you can pm about how you felt when you first saw/met her, beautiful memories you have from your time together, how much she means to you, etc. One thing I do sometimes to cope, I begin with gratitude which you can say as prayers or write a list...I am thankful I can see, hear, walk...that you have a job in this tough economy at all...for your beautiful family...that doesn't eradicate depression and the pain of your circumstances, but at least with me if helps me cope a little better and may calm down a bit. Don't know if that's any help, but thought I would try to offer some suggestions for whatever its worth...

Anyway, welcome to the forum! Many caring people here who are willing to listen and offer what support we can.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...

[Mich]

Cardiac - welcome to the forum. You have clearly had tough times and I am sorry you have had to struggle so much in your life. I thank you for sharing your story with us. There are lots of good people here and they will lend you their support.

[mamasam]

Don't ya just wish there was a magic button we could all push when we needed it? I am so sorry for the things you have been thru in your life. I too have been thru many similar experiences....I know alot of what you are going thru. It is hard to change your way of thinking and even harder to actually DO the things required in a new way of thinking. I mostly deal with my issues by trying to talk about them...calmly. I have learned and am still learning that anger is not always the answer and loosing my temper NEVER solves anything, it only makes me feel worse when its all over and then my point of why i got angry in the first place is over shadowed by me loosing my temper. Try to push the negative thoughts out of your head. Don't do things that your afraid of right now until you get the rest of your head ok. Like shattered says, baby steps. Rome was not built in a day. As for bills...hun you can't take money or debt with ya when ya check outta here. Do your best and be happy with the knowledge that is exactly what your doing.Everyone else is struggling like you ...just because they are smiling in public doesn't mean they are without issues too. Try to smile at someone atleast once an hour. Hope it all goes well for you....

[Obayan]

Cardiac, my friend.... I'm so sorry you have had such a rough time of it. You know we all care so much about you and our hearts and thoughts go out to you each and every day.