my story (trigger)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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TackingIntoTheWind
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Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Tue Jul 13, 2010 9:55 am

(((( Obayan )))). ( In a reserved " British " way, of course! )
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "
The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "
Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

Obayan
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Location: oklahoma
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Postby Obayan » Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:16 pm

((( everyone )))

I'm so glad i have a home like this to come to.

TackingIntoTheWind
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Wed Jul 14, 2010 12:07 pm

Me too!!!!!!!! :)
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "

The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

keluca
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Location: Yorkshire

Postby keluca » Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:06 pm

(((Obayan)))

How are things going now?

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Wed Jul 14, 2010 1:52 pm

Thank you guys so much for helping me to maintain some semblance of normalicy in my life. You don't know how much it helps just to know that someone is out there and is listening.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:23 pm

((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))

Phone call away, you know that.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs

http://www.depression-understood.org/

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:37 pm

Right now, I am enrolled in college. I'm terrified. I haven't been in a classroom for over 20 years. I'm a grandmother for pete's sake! I bet i'll be the only granny in the class..... I'm scared. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm thrilled. I don't remember anything from school before. What if I'm not smart enough? What if I can't make it to classes? What if, what if, what if..... What if my dream actually comes true? What if I work hard and find a strength inside that I thought I had lost? What if I succeed? If I succeed, does that mean I'm not obligated to be a success? What if I succeed, and then I just chill? Omg... what if I find not only strength inside but a perseverance and determination that will breed and give rise to hope and fulfillment? What the heck will I do then? I don't know how to behave in a situation that entails success.... Oh, and btw, this isn't a rant. It's a self motivation exercise. :)

As a lifelong failure... worthless and uneeded and unwanted.... I hereby do decree, that my life is about to change. For better or worse, I'm no longer standing still.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Jul 25, 2010 10:54 pm

(((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))

Trust in your own abilities. See them and live them.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Tue Jul 27, 2010 1:26 pm

I've lost it all. In 30 minutes, in one lady's office, it's all gone. My new house, school, private school for grandson, vacation.... it's all gone. All the financing for all of it has been pulled out from underneath me. All the dreams, the promises, now broken. Just one more example of my failure to provide. I can hear my dad now... "typical sharon, making promises and never coming thru". I really thought that finally for once in my life, something was going to go my way without a battle. I've worked hard all my life for what? nothing. I've survived more crap than most can even imagine. And that's no exageration. The pain, the suffering i've endured day after day for my whole life is for what? What in the hell did I ever survive it for? To continue a string of failures and battles and pain that never ends? After 48 years of battes I have to ask myself what is it about me that makes others think i'm an easy mark? Is there some invisible sign only others can see that says "here, take me, use me, hurt me, it's okay"? Nine years of service to my country. Nine years a soldier. And nothing. No benefits. No reward. I was so proud to have served my country and it's people. And now I'm no longer needed, wanted, i'm tossed aside. Useless to them and to myself and my family. For two days now, I have been asking myself "why am I still here" and for once, I am finding it very hard to come up with a reason. DU will find other ops. Other moderators. My daughter will be sad, but will get over it and fill the void with her own growing family. My "friend" will find someone else to talk to on the phone and find comfort in. The chatters here will find another to talk to and share with. My friends will have other friends. I'm replaceable. I'm broken and i'm replaceable. Some will be hurt, but time will heal. So why do I do it? Why am i still fighting when i'm so tired? I wish i knew. I used to know. No more dreams left to strive for. No more hopes that haven't been passed by. Not even sure if i want help anymore. Why? Why keep fighting when i know all that i've dreamed of is gone? I wake up, I come in here and work. I go to sleep. Each day, the same. Never any different. This is my life now. It's all it will ever be. Is it enough? I don't know. I guess i'm about to find out because it's all i have left.

Oh, here's the icing on the cake..... I just found a lump.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:18 pm

(((((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))

The reasons for you....

Your time with your husband that you had. The wonderful memories to carry with you.
Your daughter from that loveof that relationship. She carries both of you in her soul, her body, her mind and her heart.
Your grandchildren. The extension of what life is all about.
Your friends, me included, that care and worry about you.
God doesn't make mistakes, we may not understand why, but he knows. In time you will know as well.

The lump, time to get to the doctor and check it out, right? I did!

Know I care, lots of us care and we will listen and support you in all the ways we can.

Love to you....

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:07 am

Thanks jeanie.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I keep trying to do good. I keep trying to help. But all i do is screw up. Broken promises, bad decisions, multiple mistakes. This is my legacy. It's so frustrating. I get things to where everything is looking up again and bam, right back down. I don't know why. I don't understand why bad things always keep happening to me. I mean, it's not just now, it's my whole life. One thing after another. Always a new battle to face without even time to breathe in between. I keep saying i'm so tired. And i am. i really am. I don't know where the strength comes from, but i do know it's getting harder to find it.

TackingIntoTheWind
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:20 pm

(((( Obayan )))), I do feel obliged to stated firmly and categorically that you are NOT replaceable!!!! No-one is replaceable, everyone is unique, or to borrow a phrase I like, " Everyone is God's favourite child. "
NO-ONE, ( And that includes you!!!! ), is replaceable. Jewish people have a saying: " He who saves a single life, it is as if he had saved the world entire. "
The whole basis of the idea of Human Rights is that EVERY human being is entitled to certain universal, inalienable Human Rights, precisely because EVERY human being is precious, unique and IRREPLACABLE!!!!
You served nine years in service to your country? I don't pretend to know everything about you by anyone means, but I have a " gut instinct " that when you served as a soldier you served with honour. And that IS something to be proud of. ( Although, I fully understand that a certain amount of money would be nice as well! :( )
And, I don't or believe that you are replaceable on this site either. My feeling is that this site isn't an academic work or a source of merely factual information. To me this site is composed of, and it's value lies in, the unique thoughts, experiences, insights and " war-stories " that each of us bring to it. In as much as each of our life-stories are different, no user, moderator, or life story is replaceable. ( That is not self-motivation, I'm afraid it is just a rant. Sorry! :oops: :roll: )
I feel keenly each of my own relatively-small set-backs, so I can imagine how your much-larger setbacks must hurt and lead to to very low places. But, I'm still going to assert that no way are you replaceable to me.
( Even if you find no other purpose in life, you may well find that helping to keep me semi-sane by means of contributing to this site might keep you busy for at least a while... :oops: :roll: :wink: )
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "

The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

TackingIntoTheWind
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Nov 21, 2009 11:35 am
Location: South Wales

Postby TackingIntoTheWind » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:29 pm

Yes, I know. I nag. Sorry! :oops:
But, I'm a Celtic bureaucrat with no life! It's who I am, it's what I do... :roll: :wink:
( And, everything is my last post is still SO true! )
Captain Adelaide Brooke, holding a weapon on The Doctor: " State your name, rank and intention. "

The Doctor: " The Doctor, doctor, fun. "

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Thu Jul 29, 2010 1:24 pm

Thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you even more for the sentiment behind them. I sat last night and read thru the Tao followed by many hours of meditation. The places my mind goes to are very dark sometimes. And this helps me to find my road out again. The warmth in the hearts of those here helps me to know I am doing what is right. I still cry. The shadows still surround me. But I know I am who I want to be. Thank you very much for helping me to remember that.

(((( jeanie ))))

(((( tracking ))))

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:36 pm

(((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))

No matter the road, get your sneakers on and jog it!

Author Warmie!
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/


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