my story (trigger)

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Obayan
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my story (trigger)

Postby Obayan » Fri Feb 05, 2010 5:42 am

I was adopted. My family were not nice people. I was raised to believe my sole purpose in life was to make money for my parents. Me being a girl, there is only one way to do that. On my back. I have 17 brothers, 3 sisters and a mother and father. They each took their turn in training me. My training included torture, brutality, sleep deprivation, and several brain washing tecniques. I was taught that I was worthless. A nobody. I wasn't worth the efforts of a doctor when ill or injured. Bones were broken only to be wrapped in a towel until i could function again. Wounds inflicted that left a mass of scars on my face and body.

When i turned 18 I joined the army. Nobody knew anything about me. I could be whoever i wanted to be. I made a new life for myself.

I later got married and had a daughter. My husband was extremely abusive, but he treated me a lot better than my family had ever done and I thought it was ok. Until I met his family. I saw what a family was supposed to be. And decided I wanted that for me. I divorced him and moved to Oklahoma.

I met a man that ended up being my best friend and my husband for 22 years. I was very happy. I had it all. A great life. A good income. A devoted huband an father to my daughter. But he was very sick. I took care of him until he died.

That's it. He died and now i'm back to being a little girl afraid of my own shadow.

I don't leave my house. I sit here alone in my house with my 2 cats. And I cry. A lot. I don't work because I'm sick too. I have several ailments including congestive heart disease, diabeties and hypothyroidism which make it hard for me to function. My doc thinks i have COPD as well. So I sit here and rely on my grown daughter to help take care of me. I feel worthless. Useless. A waste of good oxygen.

I know what the road to recovery is. I've been down it before. I know the program I have to work to achieve happiness again. I just don't have any desire to do so. I've been in a fire, I've been cut, I've been stabbed, I've been thrown through walls, out windows, and have a scar for every story I could tell. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who would ever want to wake up to this horror that is me?

I come to the chat room here a lot. You hardly ever can come in and i'm not here. I come here because it's the only place where I can feel usefull. Like i'm doing something worth while. That feeling fades as soon as I leave.

I miss my husband. I miss my life. Most days I don't want to go on or see any reason why I should. But I force myself to. I just hope someday I can find out why.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Fri Feb 05, 2010 6:49 am

((((((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))))

I can relate to so much of your life, but this isn't about me, It is about you. Wish I knew what to say, someway of being there for you. All I can do is send hugs, thoughts, prayers and tears.

You aren't 'useless'. You have a daughter that loves you, there for you. You apparently gave her purpose in life, taught her well with love and respect. You broke the mold that was used for you. What an accomplishment.

I see you in the room, I am about once in awhile, will have to make it a point of coming in and saying hello.

Do take care of yourself. Remember please you have a family here on the forums and in the chat room that care, will care more if allowed. Support is a very important thing to receive, hopefully you are getting just that, what this is all about.

Do take care and know you are in my thoughts.

Warmie/Jeanie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”
--- Dr. Rollo May
Sunshine, smiles and love.

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dandelion
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Postby dandelion » Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:30 am

(((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))

I wish i have something to say, but you are one of the people i know who has a very nice and caring heart. I love you and i want you to know that we care about you here and glad that I found you.

love
dandelion
In the hopes of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.
- Albert Schweitzer

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Fri Feb 05, 2010 8:59 am

(((((((((((Obayan)))))))))))) I second what ((((((((((((warmie))))))))))) said, you have purpose with your daughter and you broke the mold in the horrible way you were treated to bring up a wonderful child into adulthood. She obviously loves you if you checks in on you and cares for you.

You served in the army. You served the nation and protected my freedom and I thank you for your service and sacrifice. That is not useless. That's tremendous, something few women are willing to undertake.

I would add something else...some people when they endure especially tragic, abusive circumstances like you did become emotionally detached and cruel...replicating the behavior and worse...that's how many people do the horrible things they do...some people allow it to make them more compassionate, becoming the opposite of the way they were treated. The fact you support people in the chatroom shows you are the compassionate sort...THAT IS NOT USELESS...how do you know you didn't save a life in the chatroom sometime? I know I've gone in the chatroom when feeling suicidal as have others without saying anything for fear of triggering others and because of the rules...imagine if everyone in the world was as compassionate, world peace just might be possible...so as one of the "good guys" your life has special meaning...every day you live and take back a piece of yourself, you are defying the abuse you received and so many others receive and not letting them get the best of you again.

That being said...I know how pain lingers and so sorry you lost your beloved husband and are suffering so much physical illness. Things that help me in grief, post traumatic stress, and lingering hurt...I do little things to comfort myself, I am trying to find things I can be passionate about, and when I can I try to do a little volunteer work. I feel useless sometimes too, but feelings are not facts...I know somewhere in my mind that I am a reasonably decent human being, which is the most important thing in this world to be imo.

Maybe it might help if you were a little less lonely? I dunno...but maybe a house of worship, political group, hobby club, or whatever interests YOU may help you be around people more, and make you feel inspired or useful? Even if your health doesn't permit you to get out much, there are ways you can connect...for instance, my local crisis line used to have a program where they called shut ins and elderly people regularly just so they could hear a friendly voice and to see if they were okay...they needed volunteers to do that...

Is there anything you can do just for you? Play with the cats? Take a long hot shower with special shower gel or bubble bath and rub scented lotion on yourself? I don't know what brings you a little pleasure, but small things to comfort myself help a lot, and I hope you can find those things for you...YOU ARE WORTH IT! Can you somehow nurture that hurt child inside you just like you would comfort someone in the chatroom?

You write well...have you considered applying for a blog on this site to write about your experiences and how you triumphed over them to be a good human being with a wonderful husband you tended to during his illness and a loving daughter? You could inspire many, many others that way...

Are you in therapy? Do you go to group therapy? Is there someone at group therapy you can connect with outside of group to talk on the phone to, email, or go for a cup of tea with?

Anyway, mainly I want to say I'M SORRY...I'm sorry horrible people treated you so dispicably and you suffered so much and the pain of the past and grief linger; I'm sorry you have to endure so much...but somewhere we must try to muster the strength to feel we can come out of the darkness into light on the other side...your daughter is worth hanging in there for, but ultimately so are you YOURSELF. You are a unique soul, irreplaceable on the planet and you don't know what your life means or can mean to others...you wonder who will love you? Well there is brotherly love, and every time you reach out and support someone else in the chatroom for instance, you are expressing that and whether you feel it or not, receiving it...

Wishing you light and peace in your day...
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Wed Feb 10, 2010 7:00 am

Thank you for all the kind words. I'm working on getting a life back. My life.

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Feb 10, 2010 12:49 pm

(((((((((((( Obayan ))))))))))))))))

Hugs to you.... I'm glad you will try to reclaim your life. It is yours for the taking! Just do it 1 step at a time. You can do it!

I think every one else said all that came to my mind. Please do not give up & do not give up hope!
~Crystal

I'm not exactly digging myself out of the hole but creating a tunnel to get out another way. Throwing dirt from one end of the pit to the other isn't going to get me anywhere. Instead, I'll create my own path.

Justin2
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Postby Justin2 » Wed Feb 10, 2010 11:01 pm

(((( Obayan )))))

Hey Obayan, I'm and and everyone here is here to support you to get YOUR life back.

Your not alone in recovery, we'll be there with you.

-Justin
"I failed over and over and over agian in my life, that is why I succeeded."
-Michael Jordon

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Mon Mar 08, 2010 8:34 pm

Just wanted you all to know that I am working the program. I am going out on a regular basis now with my daghter every weekend and it's actually getting easier. I'm up to 4 hours at a time now without any problems. I'm also taking in a border in my big home to help ease the lonliness. Maybe something will come of it, maybe it won't. That's for the future to see. But whatever happens in my life, I know it's my choice. I control who and what I will be. But I know I couldn't have done it without all of you here and this place. I"m a long way off from where I need to be, but now I know I'll get there someday.

thank you

Misty
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Postby Misty » Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:08 pm

Obayan,

It is so good to see you here! I don't know if I have words to say that would help. The only thing I can share with you is the feeling of losing a person that meant so much. Sorry, but at this time things are foggy but I just had to send this to you to let you know your life is something I can't even imagine and I truly believe we can only appreciate life and be strong from the bad times our soul goes through.

We'll run into each other in the chat room, I'm sure.

*hugs*
Misty

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:31 pm

(((((((((((( Obayan )))))))))))))))))

Sounds like you are getting things sorted, somewhat. Glad you are. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warmie
“If we admit our depression openly and freely, those around us get from it an experience of freedom rather than the depression itself.”

--- Dr. Rollo May

Sunshine, smiles and love.



Depression Forums | Depression Chat Rooms | Depression Blogs



http://www.depression-understood.org/

Monty
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Postby Monty » Thu Mar 11, 2010 12:38 pm

Obayan,

This is the first time that I have heard any of your story. I find the chat groups too stimulating, so I only meet people in the forums.

When I read your first post on this thread, my first thought was what a fighter you are. You have been through so much, but you are still here.

I also agree with those that have commented that you must have done something very right with raising your daughter. It is a reflection on your parenting abilities.

It was great to get to the bottom of the thread and see that things are going better for you.

Like I said earlier, you are a fighter.
I admire that in a person.
Monty

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sun Mar 14, 2010 1:55 am

I'm not doing so good today. I feel like a faud and a failure. All these memories just won't leave me alone....

You just don't know what they did to me. Do you know what it feels like to be tied up at 5 years old and left in your room for days without food or water? By your own mother? I do. You get food when you are "nice" to the men your mommy and daddy bring home to you. I know the feel of a blade as it goes into your back. Severing muscle and tissue. That was my sister. I was mugged one time. On the streets by a stranger. He cut me behind each ear with a switchblade and said he was gonna slit my throat from ear to ear. He felt so sorry for me when i started crying and begged him to please do it that he ran off. A mugger! Felt sorry for me! That's just a taste of my life. My past. My historical memories. The first doc i ever went to referred me to someone else. They couldn' handle heaing my life. They put me in therapy with pow's from viet nam because i had a lot of the same experiences.

But the worst part is I feel i deserved it. I don't know why or how, or even what i did to deserve it, but i do. Why do i feel this way? Why can't I stop sabotaging everything good that ever happens to me?

Yeah. strong me. survivor me. Just means i managed to somehow not die. that wasn't an accomplishment. it was a mistake.

My daughter. The ONLY good thing i ever managed to do in my life was have a kid. I am so messed up inside i lost 6 before having her.

Advice. oh yeah, i got tons of advice. Some days I feel so detached i feel like i'm just parotting crap out my mouth. Breathe deep. Look at your surroundings. Concentrate. Meditate. Write it out. Why the hell can't i help my own damn self?

I'm so tired. 48 years i been in a battle. and i'm tired. i'm tired of fighting. i'm tired of losing. i'm tired of the memories.

i'm just tired.

shatteredhopes
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Postby shatteredhopes » Sun Mar 14, 2010 10:05 am

(((((((((((((Obayan))))))))))) I feel that way too alot, that I am a fraud because I have advice for everyone else but cannot "fix" myself...but its easier to be on the outside to see things sometimes, and after all we are just trying to support and help others, a loving and positive thing to do. I think sometimes when I help others, I help myself far more than I help them...because just in giving support, advice, suggestions, caring...we reinforce our best ideas, lessons, and essential goodness...

I am so sorry for the tragedies you endured, you had it much worse than me and I still struggle with PTSD. Like you told me evil attacks the good, and what could be more good than an innocent child? Have you ever thought of writing a book about what happened or getting involved with organizations to fight abuse? I would think you could offer a lot of encouragement for others and show what some children endure, thus inspiring more to get involved...

And I too know what its like to endure trauma later that parallels and exacerbates and creates a new level over the orignial trauma...I don't know why some have to endure so much more tragedy in life that others. But, you are safe now. You have a beautiful daughter. You are a caring compassionate human being with much to offer others...your life is valuable, and if you get tired, just rest...detach for a bit if you must...do nice things for yourself, whatever you enjoy or can comfort you...

You are valued and needed and cared for. Wishing you light and peace in your day...
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

Obayan
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Postby Obayan » Sun Mar 14, 2010 9:37 pm

Ok. Flashback triggered yesterday. Not sure by what. Sometimes they just sneak up from behind and grab you. So I'm sorry for my little pitty party. But instead of thinking about that, i'm gonna share what i did today. I cleaned my house. Got all the clothes up off the floor. Put all my grandson's toys up. I even vacuumed hte floor. AND, I took the trash out to the dumpster all by myself. Now all I have to do is actually wash the clothes i picked up and do dishes. BAh, I can do that tomarrow. Oh, I also made a 3 meat 5 cheese lasagna, cheese stuffed ravioli, and strawberry shortcakes. :)

yesterday is over. this is a new day. treat it as such.

Mich
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Postby Mich » Mon Mar 15, 2010 1:21 pm

(((((Obayan))))) It is so good to see you in the forum. I always hope you are there when I come to the chat room and am disappointed when you are not.
I am so, so sorry for all the terrible things you have endured. It makes me so sad to think of that little child.

I am glad to read that you have taken some positive steps today. I bet you feel pretty good from having accomplished all that. I will take a cue from you and try to do something today as well. Thinking of you and wishing you well. Michele
Mich


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