becoming an adult

[playskool]

Hello! My name is Sloan, and right now I'm a freshman student at ucla, working towards a degree in physiological science. I'm hoping to someday go into a career in veterinary medicine, or teaching. Things with me have always been pretty good, I've been blessed with a wonderful family and amazing friends, but lately I've had this one problem that's challenged me like no other, and sent me down a path that I would never have expected. About a year ago, I was in a relationship with this girl. She was an amazing person--because she was so different from most of the people I knew. She had so many of the qualities that I want to have in girlfriend; she was responsible, level-headed, sensible, and beautiful. But for whatever reason, I didn't feel that much for her. She was such an idealistic fit for me, so I couldn't understand why I felt this way. I hated myself for feeling this way. Could this have been avoided? I know too that I can be pretty neurotic, and I analyze things way too much (ocd from a very young age) and I try to control that. But when I finally began to admit this to myself after a while i was horrified. i mean, I didn't want to string her along and hurt her in the end. I denied this for a while but the truth came out soon. I broke up with her last February. It was actually all very normal, i mean, people do this every day, but for some reason, after a whole year of being apart, i cannot stop thinking about her. It's sent me down such a bad path; I've been at the bottom of the barrel several times during the time we've been apart. I just was not myself. Hobbies, friends and school were not as enjoyable, and I started to feel as though life had no point. I have no idea why this happened. If I didn't feel anything for her, why the hell would I do this to myself? My self-esteem was completely shot from guilt, and I was searching desperately for a way to make things better. I was for sure depressed by May of last year. I think perhaps I just thought that I wouldn't be able to find anyone better, or that she was too good for me. I guess I still feel like that. And I keep imagining (and hoping for some reason) that we'll end up together somehow in the end. Very idealistic. Sometimes I can't help it though. Something reminds me of her and I just feel affection for her, and it's killing me. I'm not sure if i'm being honest with myself or just wishing for something. Sometimes it's the only thing getting me through, like the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm doing SO much better now though. I feel more like my old, determined self now thanks to medication and a whole lot of willpower. And the funny thing is, I do feel confident now, like I do deserve better than I've been treating myself. I really DO want to move on...but I just know that whenever I see her, or even something that reminds me of her, I'm gonna get slammed by all of those old feelings and emotions again. What frustrates me the most is how this is such a little, everyday problem that I can't get over. I think sometimes that I just need to grow up and face the music, and not be afraid to act on what I feel is right for me.

[crystalgaze]

From what you posted, it sounds like you did the right thing & tried to be considerate of her & yourself....

Don't be too hard on yourself.... If you have the willpower, how about a warding mantra...?

When the feelings come to you, you say something like:

"I did the best I could. It has hurt me, but this will not keep me down for long. Maybe I loved her, but just couldn't figure it out at that time. It is okay, for I did the best I could, & that is all any one can expect--myself included."

Sorry this post is so late! Welcome to the forum & I hope you will continue to post!