please help me with this depression. its killing me

[nazrath11]

I am a 18 years old college students living in hostel far away from my home. Im doing foundation in scieCe and i wanted to become a doctor . so i did well in my high school and i manage to get straight As. it was the most happiness and wonderful moments for me and my parents.

Due to my excellent result i was offered into a local college to do my foundations in science and i accepted the scholarship cause its free and i can save my parents money. I was determined to excel in my foundations and i wanted to get all A for my subject. So i started my college day like all other students. go to lecture hall, then tutorial class, back to my room and do my homework and revision. But along with this i feel so sad and down but i tend to ignore it as i thought it must be homesick and it will gone soon, i just have to pay attention on my studies and everything will be fine.so i just study and study without bothering my thoughts and my low feelings but it is keep coming back. when i study something is telling me that im stupid and i wont make through my life and u know all sort of negative thoughts.

But i fight every thought by motivating my self BUT IT ONLY LAST FOR 1 OR TWO DAYS THEN I HAVE TO START ALL OVER MY MOTIVATION PROCESS. Most of the time i cry because something is holding me from doing what i wanted ; it is some kind of lazy feeling but it is not want I wanted . Its like i want to study and be happy but the thing is stopping me . I feel useless and worthless. My heart is so heavy and empty most of the time.

My roomates don’t care about each other. We don’t talk often or share same interest. One of my room mate wont close the light all night which make me hard to sleep. They are also noisy and I cant concentrate on my studies. They listen to music aloud and smack the door when they are stress. One of them always has her phone ringing for call and messages. Another roomate always talk in phone with her bf and parents for hours. But I just ignore all the distractions as I need to concentrate on my studies. So I tried a lot of ways such as study at library , at the café but im still sad and so tired. I try to listen to music and radio to cheer me up but it doesn’t last.

So i pray everyday to god with tears to give me strength and guide me through this phase .Sometimes i wonder is this a punishment for me or a test for me from god. During this time i am still studying and i manage to keep up my grades. when i go to class i pretend to be happy, i smile and laugh but inside i was bleeding. I do experience chest pain, back pain, migraine and itchiness all over my body and i went to clinic for diagnosis but the medicine dosent work accept the painkiller which really work to reduce my back pain and migraine. sometimes i was so unenergetic and weak but still i push myself to class and lecture hall.I still have friends during this time cause i was one of the smartest student in class and everyone like to refer to me for answers and as guide .I fight with my self for almost 3 month and on the 4th month i was loosing my faith and im tired of fighting with my self cause my condition become worse. At this moment i start to call my mum and tell her alll my problems but it doesnt help.i told her i cant take it anymore as im sad and loss my motivation to study but she scold and scream at me. she told me im adding burden to her and she could not sleep thinking of my problem, so i feel guilty and stop bothering her.

Day by day things become worse i could not take the pressure anymore as im having this racing negative thoughts haunting me most of the time. i give up on study as it is making me more suffer. i spend another two monts watching movies and television untill midnight to forget my problems. Final exam was near and i didnt give a damn about it. During final exam l i just scribble watever i know .my heart was numb during this last two month, I cant feel, happy or sad. Then I turned to a very hot tempered person. I get angry easily and become more irratated by people around me . All my friends left me as I stop studying as they cant get any benefit from me in sense of academic. That’s when I discover I cant believe anyone. Most of the people are selfish and they just kick you out when ur down. My mum claim that im becoming bad and she predic it is because of friends influence but the fact is I don’t even have true best friend here. I hate everyone in this world during this moment. They are not there went u need them .they suck all the good things out of u and when ur down they dump u like a trash. Even my roomates don’t care about me. They stare at me as though im a trash in this college and going to end my life in future pathetically .

I found out I cant function normally anymore and I call my mum . I ask her to bring me out of this college as I want to forget everything about this place. Money is not a problem for my family so they can enroll me in any other private college. I was traumatized by this place and I don’t want to remember this place even in 10 years from now . I just hope I can runaway from this place. But my mum refuse to let me out; actually it is my dad who refuse and my mum just have to follow my dad decision . She thought everything is going to be ok and it is just part of growing up.

one day I was online and I search about my migraine. With god wiling I pressed this MD web about health. By the side of the page there was a quiz about being sad . So I took it and I found out that I was depressed . Now everything make sense. All the sad feeling, the down, the anger, the lost of appetite, the long sleeping hours which is like almost the whole day, the feeling of dying and useless, the confusion , the lost of interest in my study and low motivation. I called my mum and told her I want to see doctor or psychiatry but she don’t believe me. During 1st semester holiday my mum bring me to a counselor but the she is making her own conclusion and prediction. She don’t want to listen to me and when I told her my problem but she sarcastically claim that im selfish and don’t think about my parents and bla, bla, bla ….. I hate her for that. She cant understand me and pressure me a lot during the counselling session. So it’s a fail. I went back home and no one bother about me. My mum is claiming that im pretending and acting infront of her and my dad. Things get worse I had argument with my mum and we didn’t talk for 2 weeks. After that im back to college with no motivation and full of negative thoughts. I cut my self once and I love it . I like to see the scars and find it beautiful . But now I don’t cut anymore eventhough I feel like doing it again. I go to class but I cant pay attention. My mind is wandering. I write poems and song lyrics about my feelings. I listen to all sad song that kind of depressed one cause it make me feel someone is understanding me. But I have to admit I don’t like the way im living but im tired of arguing with my parents and fighting with myself. So I began to accept me as who I am now. I cant remember who I am last time as I am totally different person now. Im tired of crying and seek of trying . I give up on help and thought I will be suffering like this for my whole life.

I went back home for Christmas holiday and I ask my mum to bring me to a psychiatry. After 2 days of argument my parents bring me to a private psychiatry clinic. I told him my story and he gave me some antidepressant which is cymbalta and frisium . He also claimed that he will give me 10 days of MC but my mum doesnt agree as im having mid year exam the other week. So the psychiatry gave me 4 days of mc and ask me to come back on 9th of January . My mum can still think about my exam when I am sick. I told my parents I don’t want to continue study there cause I don’t like that place as all the past experience is haunting me back but they refuse they said that the doctor had gave me medicine and ill be ok . But I found out the antidepressant wont work in short period. So im back to my college and sitting in my hostel room. Most of the time im so weak and unenergetic. I feel so cold and wrap my self with blanket sleeping like a child the whole day. I rarely eat but I force my self to eat some cookies . Im so lonely and cold. My heart is pulling me down to earth . I cant do anything. Its hard for me to wake up in morning to go for exam .i think it must be the side effect of the drug. Today is my first day of exam and my mind is so blank. I give up and expected F for my biology test today as well as math and chemistry exam . I try to study but all I can do is stare at the words and I start crying thinking my parents don’t understand me and why my life end up this way. I think its not fair cause nothing bad happen to me to cause me depressed . I was stressed with the college life but I was actually able to cope with it and stress is normal for me as student in college. I always wonder why I become like this. Why this happen to me . Everyone is ok here but why Im so sad and down everyday. I feel like suicide but I know its wrong . Sometimes I just hope god will take my life away cause I don’t like to live in this earth anymore. It’s a cruel place. I realize that my parents care about me but they cant understand me so they scold me and shout at me.

My mum is calling and asking am I studying or not. If I told her that I cant she will be worried about me and obviously scold me, so I lie to her that im ok and I had my lunch when I didn’t actually. Then I realize no one can help me , I must help my self, so I was just waiting for my next appointment on 9th. But the waiting seem to be so long. I get tired of waiting but I want to recover, I want to be happy again, to be able to enjoy my life and motivated in my life. Deep inside I was so hurt and its painfull. I cant get my mind right and i always breakdown. I cant blame my parents. My mum is housewife and my dad is business man. They are not exposed to mental health problem. I cant blame them . Sometimes I feel that they don’t deserve me. They are wasting money on me for treatment and they are wasting there energy on me. I feel like I give them troubles. But sometimes im angry with them because no matter how hard I try to explain they don’t get it. I ask them to find about depression on internet but they are way too busy . They care about my education but they cant see that im sick and ill . Last time I wanted to become doctor .it was my dream but now I don’t even know wat I want.

I just want to get out of this place go somewhere to find peace but I was wondering is thre anywhere I can find peace…. My home is not right place as my parents always argue, my elder brother don’t talk to my mum since last 3 years . My other two younger sister mind there own work and another younger brother which is the last child in my family get bullied in school but he is closest to me compared to all my other siblings. My home is very noisy and chaos. My college is too scary for me . I don’t know where to go. I want to run away but its impossible to run from college. All I want is some peace but I doubt whether I will find it. I even try to talk to my teacher but she cant help me too… I don’t know what I should do . I wish I don’t have depression . I don’t have anyone to tell my problem . I just hope god will guide me through this….



Sorry for the long boring story . But I really need to express it .thank you for spending ur time reading my story . Actually this is just the synopsis of my life before and after depression .

[shatteredhopes]

dear friend, is there a counselor at your school? often meds only do a little bit if anything at all, but teamed with counseling it can make a bigger difference. Rather than flunking out of school, can you take a leave of absence and get some help? I would hate to see you give up on a life long dream just because you aren't able to pursue right now...with counseling and medicine and the right support system, such as group therapy, maybe you can return to your studies again.

College is a lot of pressure and pre-med is a very hard course of study, so I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you under the circumstances. I too suffer chronic physical pain and know how that can exacerbate depression and ironically, depression can make the physical pain worse too, in a vicious cycle.

Hope you can find some help at your school or a community mental health clinic or somehow...meanwhile we are listening and we care and want you to heal.

Wishing you peace and light inyour day...

[nazrath11]

dear friend, is there a counselor at your school? often meds only do a little bit if anything at all, but teamed with counseling it can make a bigger difference. Rather than flunking out of school, can you take a leave of absence and get some help? I would hate to see you give up on a life long dream just because you aren't able to pursue right now...with counseling and medicine and the right support system, such as group therapy, maybe you can return to your studies again.

College is a lot of pressure and pre-med is a very hard course of study, so I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you under the circumstances. I too suffer chronic physical pain and know how that can exacerbate depression and ironically, depression can make the physical pain worse too, in a vicious cycle.

Hope you can find some help at your school or a community mental health clinic or somehow...meanwhile we are listening and we care and want you to heal.

Wishing you peace and light inyour day...

thanks for ur concerns. i really appreciate it . im taking treatment right now . i hope i can recover faster.