Short waves of desperation.--TRIGGERING MATERIAL!

[Roxanne]

Hi Folks,

I'm 34, single, and have no children. My life isn't perfect, but its not terrible either. Yesterday i had to go to hobby lobby to pick something up for a client. When I pulled into the parking lot,
I was suddenly overtaken by a wave of depression. It felt like warm water passing through my body. I parked towards the end of the parking lot and tried to compose myself. I couldn't leave
because I was on a deadline and I couldn't go in because I could stop the tears from pouring out. I sat there for two hours. My mind was filled with compulsive thoughts of suicide, yet
the thoughts don't feel like they are my own, as I have no intentions of killing myself.
I sat there thinking of my gun at home. I thought about what a mess I would make if I shot myself:

Crap my will isn't in order. Who should get what? How much better would everyone's lives be if they could divide
my assets? What could I say in a suicide note to make the experience less painful. There is no god. We have no purpose in our lives, we are just decaying meat. Maybe things dye when they realize they have
no purpose. Maybe cells have some form of consciousness and dye when they become aware of the meaninglessness of existence. My hair is turning gray. My cells are dying. I'm glad I don't have children.. My siblings will miss me, but they are married and have lives that extend beyond me.My mother is older and frail, but she lives with my brother, so she will have someone to lean on.

Finally, I pull myself together and go in to get the dammed item. I cant look anyone in the eye. I'm ashamed. I'm afraid my eyes might be
red. Even if they aren't, I know my face is awash in desperation. I'm embarrassed that I cant even fake a normal expression. I keep my eyes trained on the products to avoid eye contact.

Finally, the ordeal is over and I can go home. I feel a little better but I'm not 100%.

Has anyone else every experience depression in short waves like this? I always thought clinical depression was pervasive and lasted for long periods of time?


Thanks,

R.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

My depression was pervasive and long-term. But, it suddenly got intensely worse around June, and I suffered acute anxiety also, and it was only then that I got myself help.
I felt suicidal and also planned my suicide, but there was another part of me that so DIDN'T want to die. And, it was that part of me that got me to my doctor next morning, so I could explain EXACTLY how bad I felt and how badly I needed help.
Please, please, please tell someone you need help. I don't know where you are, or how medical services work there, but please, please, please send a distress signal to someone, send up a flare, call a crisis line. But, do something to save your life! You life is NO LESS WORTHY of being saved than anyone elses.
It frightens me how close to the abyss that I came, how touch-and-go my still-partial recovery was. Please, please, please don't make the mistake that I came so frighteningly close to making.
In the words of a great Welsh poet, Dylan Thomas: " Do not go gently into that good night, rage, rage, against the dying of the light. "
Please get help.

[Mich]

My depression is also pervasive and long term but I can certainly identify with those strong feelings of death and suicide. I also think you need to reach out for help. You can't afford to let those thoughts take over. You need to know that the people in your life would be devastated if you took your own life. Please reach out now. There are crisis lines and mental health associations everywhere. Please make that connection. You can also go to the hospital at any time and tell them you are afraid for your own safety and that you feel suicidal.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((( Roxanne )))))))))))))))

My depression is an on and off thing, i started getting worst earlier this year in march. believe me when i said i used to make some attempt to end my life and now i am glad i didnt. I found out that there are lots in this world that i want to see and i want to learn. i still want to live and i dont want to give up.

Am not sure if you are on meds or not, But if you are, is it helping you? and if it isnt, maybe you need to discuss this with your doctor. And if you dont have, maybe this is the time for you to see one and get help? Sometimes just talking to people helps, if you feel such urges again, please call somebody to talk to you, crisis line, friends, family or even relatives.

Please be safe and please know that we will always here for you to give you support. But at the same time, you need to get help from the professional as well, call a crisis line if you ever feel like that again, i hope you will feel better soon. Lots of warm hugs for you

love
dandelion

[Monty]

Roxanne,

You didn't mention in your posting whether this was the first time that you had these feelings or if it has happened before.

In either case I agree with dandelion who says that, if it happens again to reach out to someone. Whether your doctor, emergency room or a crisis line. Take my word from experience, some of these things are too difficult to solve on your own and it does NOT make you weak because you look for help. Actually it makes me feel stronger when I go ask for help, makes me feel pro-active rather than everything just being out of my control.

My depression started with little episodes and then grew, a lot. Mind you mental illness is like any other illness, there are degrees of severity.
At this point there is no telling whether an event equivalent to this, will ever happen again. Or it might happen again in an hour.

I can assure you that this is a safe place to post. In just finding the forum you gave garnered yourself a huge amount of support.

Take care and you are not alone.