were is he ,my warrior,,,g,night

[xn728]

today i have done nothing for you ,im not staying long,i cant bear anymore pain just now,
all i could manage today was to lay on the bedroom floor ,with the curtains closed ,
as i lay ,silent and more distant and alone than ive ever expeirianced in all my days,
normally i would lay here with the door shut ,and the family would know ,i have a headache.
but today as my cold stareing eyes,looked into the darkness,that has now been my prison for ,
well ten days the door stays a jar let them see me broken ive lost
the will to go on ,43 years i fought long and hard but the pain and
confusion i feel now is consuming my will and my life force,even now this little electronic box ,
that supplys me with the weapons i need to fight these demons lays just a few feet away ,
unopened up until now ,just the urge, the need to say goodnight ,and thankyou for the words,
you have,written to me ,but now i must close it once more ,knowing the weapons are just a few
feet from my finger tips ,but so far out of my minds eye ,ive tryed to cry many times lately,
but all my eyes give up is a warm trickle ,down one cheek ,but if that tear touches you on
the next rain you feel on your face, then you will feel the warmth ,I feel for all my dear freinds here.
i can stand on my human feet ,but i need to stand up strong in my mind ,
were is the warrior ,i need so badly,

aim, dandelion,a5,lisa,mich,shatteredhopes,hanging on,monty,blueisgreen,crystalgaze,crybaby,warmie girl.DeepEyes
all my dear freinds, ,,,,goodnight ,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

You are the warrior. You are the strongest man I know. Knowing some of what you have suffered over the past 45 YEARS!! And you are still standing is a testament to that. You need to give yourself permission to fight. Look in the mirror. Look yourself straight in the eye and say "Im worth it" and the give yourself the permission to fight for yourself. Also know when the fight begins we will all behind you watching your back.
Good Night Ken.....
Robyn

[xn728]

i know your all behind me ,but i hate letting my pain out ,theres enough here already ,but i am trying so hard to stand up ,its blacker here than ever before ,my fingers are reaching for those weapons ,if i can stand ,then i will fight ,thankyou ,,,robyn ,,i can hear you ,my dear freind
,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

Ken, Don't be afraid to let your pain out here. This is where it belongs not bottled up inside you. Maybe think of the forum as a jail for your pain. Leave it locked up in here so it dosen't follow you around.
Robyn

[Mich]

Ken - you have endured so much for so many years. My wish for you is that you will have the strength once again to stand up and fight. Please don't give in to the darkness....fight to see some light. We are all here for you; willing to take on your pain to lighten your load.

[xn728]

hi everyone ,crybaby ,mich ,how are you both doing ,i do hope your
coping ok ,and will gain strentgh from each other ,i woke up no better
this morning ,i dreaded going to work ,but i had to drag my sorry ass
in there ,the shop has been left ,unpainted for years and it looks so
depressing,so ive started to decorate it a good coat of paint works wonders ,and it keeps my mind off ,well you know ,one of the ladies was talking about xmas ,and i really didnt want to hear about it ,so i carried on painting ,about an hour past ,when i realised ,i had been taking part in that very confersation ,and more than that ,i felt ok ,my mind was a little clearer,and i was standing up sword at my side ,what ever has had me in its grip has gone ,im exhausted ,and i dont feel great ,but i dont think of death ,,and that can only be good ,,,,im not frighted to tell you this ,because what ive been through was more than scary ,and if i feel welll for only a short time it will be a welcome rest ,i think it was the post about the biker that sent me down ,i know how you all care about me here ,and i always here what your saying ,i dont know what id do without the forum ,thankyou so much ,and stay safe my dear freinds ,bless you all ,,,,,oh yes im off for 3 days now ,and im gonna put up the xmas decorations tommorrow ,,,,,,,,,,,

[Mich]

I am so happy to read you are doing better.

[xn728]

and i couldent be happier that your here to read it ,are you ok my dear freind ,you never fail me mich do you ,as others ,always something nice to say ,and i know full well ,you suffer to ,thankyou mich and bless you ,
suffer not my distant freind ,our words and thoughts ,and our will to lift
each other will never end ,bless you mich ,

[Hanging On]

Ken stand strong and be aware that you are standing with an army of support my dear friend. Stay far from the foes that want to take you into their darkened dwellings and keep you as if a prisoner. You can overcome the demons that haunt you for you are the epitome of a brave soldier, with us your warriors ever present at your side.

Continue on with you life's journey and please Ken never lose your hope for it is the glue that binds us together to provide support for each other.

I may not be there in body but I am ever present in mind.

[crybaby1086]

agggg....Ken! Now you got me wanting to get into the xmas decorations! I can't wait to see my Snow Man Collection now. But have to clean the house first. d***!! Still excited though.

[shatteredhopes]

So pleased for you that you can breath a little again my brother, my friend. Painting the shop is a great idea, sometimes busy work helps and you will feel satisfaction when it is all done. Glad you feel up to putting up Christmas decorations, as your family will appreciate it. That is wonderful you got wrapped up in painting and a conversation and felt a lift.

There are things I have been wanting to post, but am waiting, after seeing what the one painful post did to you...some things are just so painful, even letting them out is to relive them...but I like the idea that this forum is a kind of jail for those horrible things that haunt us. As you also suffer from PTSD, we could both use a jail for traumatic memories, as could others in this forum. But proud of you for trying to get it out and release the pain of holding it inside...you are brave. You are the warrior. You have found your weapons and lived to fight another day. Stand proud. Stand strong.

Wishing you peace and light in your day, and sweet dreams...

[xn728]

your messages are so uplifting ,and you can have no idea how important each and everyone of you are to me ,and my family ,never underestimate the power that your words have on me ,right now ,when i push this button to submit this ill be getting my coat on and putting xmas into gear ,the trees in the garden will glow tonight ,and so will frans face ,she loves the whole thing ,we all need strentgh at this time ,and i have got to do this no doubt so you must do it with me ,lets all do xmas together because no matter how hard it seems ,you know as well as i
that we will triumph ,thanks so much for making me feel so good ,,,
only a hope for better feelings for you all .i can give ,but it is so powerful
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,later my freinds ,,,ken

[xn728]

ive done what i had to do today ,and had a little fun with fran along the way ,you all helped me pick up over the last few days ,and i really am in your dept ,you are all true freinds ,something i thought in my earlier years would not be possible ,but even when i was that frightened seven
year old .this place and all you here my freinds was written into my life
be safe and strong my warriors,,,,,,,,,,ken

[crybaby1086]

Glad you had a good day Ken. A picture of things to come for you. You and Fran deserve to be happy. And trust me you will be. (I know these things)
S.Hopes. I have left a post for you on another thread. But I will add it here as well. Don't be afraid to post. You are safe here and this is where the bad stuff belongs. Not in your head tortureing you.

[xn728]

your always very kind robyn ,and this i will never forget ,hope things go well for you ,and i wish for you to find everything your looking for ,,,,,,
bless you ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken