again i have woken to that evil figure looking me in the face ,and breathing hate fear and death into my face ,my watch now slips off my wrist ,another hole i have punched in my belt .to hold my body together
but my mind is lost ,i can no longer cope with the pain ,im laying down my weapons ,and as the demons gather around me for the last time ,the very things i used to survive will be broken under there feet as they pick my carcass clean ,we all know the visitor is part of my mind ,all be it real to me ,i ultimatly destroyed myself ,because i am the visitor ,i will lay down and not make any more effort to resist ,the mirror shows me i can go no further ,how can something that looks so drawn and sad ,be alive .
how could i have ever thought i could be allowed ,brothers and sisters ,
i was born alone grew up alone ,and it will end alone for no matter what i have around me ,in my mind i have to live in this strange world alone ,
im tired and i must lay for a while ,its terrible i know ,but i dont care anymore ,let it have me ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,xn728
Brothers and sisters
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid, Sunlily92
you are not alone my friend and never ever will be. i can tell there are a lot of people here who clearly deeply care for you, and i know how it feels to be so exhausted i once went 4 days without sleep and i know how horrible it can be, perhaps your GP can give you something to help you relax? but i find sometimes gentle music helps or perhaps meditation (which i sware by) but never ever think you are alone, we are very much with you in these dark days and we will be there when you emerge, love xxx
no cry here
theres no cry for help here ,just desending so fast into despair ,nothing can stop me ,i feel no urge to help myself anymore ,you are all so kind ,
the very fact i have worked so hard to hide my pain from my family ,has even turned on me now ,they cannot see how desperate my situation has become ,i think of death everyday trying to reason the fors and againsts poisoning my own mind ,i can see nothing else ,
all i can ask of the icy hand that steers my fate is that it will carry me
and just let me feel the magic of peace ,just for a moment on what may be my glory night ,silently i fall now ,you will never hear me hit the bottom of this endless horror that has become my keeper ,the hands that touch me now ,belong to the visitor ,the biker and the freinds i destroyed
in my lifetime ,i created this monster,it lives within my soul ,it must follow me ,i cant let it walk free any more its not under my control ,and i dont like what its doing to everything ,my mind is not my own and it is very
dangerous and foul thinking ,i hate what i am ,,,,,,,,,,xn728
the very fact i have worked so hard to hide my pain from my family ,has even turned on me now ,they cannot see how desperate my situation has become ,i think of death everyday trying to reason the fors and againsts poisoning my own mind ,i can see nothing else ,
all i can ask of the icy hand that steers my fate is that it will carry me
and just let me feel the magic of peace ,just for a moment on what may be my glory night ,silently i fall now ,you will never hear me hit the bottom of this endless horror that has become my keeper ,the hands that touch me now ,belong to the visitor ,the biker and the freinds i destroyed
in my lifetime ,i created this monster,it lives within my soul ,it must follow me ,i cant let it walk free any more its not under my control ,and i dont like what its doing to everything ,my mind is not my own and it is very
dangerous and foul thinking ,i hate what i am ,,,,,,,,,,xn728
dear ken, i think that talking about what that man did to you has triggered a lot of awful feelings, don't hate yourself, hate him. have you ever told fran about it, do you think you could talk your pain through with her or your therapist? if not, feel free to keep writing it here if you want to. I was in a bookshop earlier today and flicked through the Bible to point to whatever page I was instinctively drawn to, it read 'You are armed to fight the battle'. I don't want to push my religious beliefs on you but i am carrying those words with me today to try and keep me going and I wanted to share them with you because i like you and care about you and want you to feel better
your right
lisa dear freind ,your right about the biker post ,ive said some bad things on the forum lately ,and i thought if i let this free it might show people
how bad my torment is ,and maybe understand me a little better ,but as you say it has caused me to much pain ,its out there now and everyone knows what a dirty little pervert i was ,i was going to delete it ,but i have promised in an earlier post that i wouldent do that again ,its out there now
so thats it ,i can only think of death lisa ,all the time ,thinking about how everyone would look after each other ,the music i would lay down with
the wind of change by the scorpions ,i have all i want in life ,fran and her
wonderful love for me ,the girls who always make a fuss of me ,,my music you know lisa i must have 4or 5 ipods and docking stations ,the charity shop jobs not great ,but you know its only 16 hour a week
and i cant see or feel any pleasure in any of it ,i must be crazy or mentally
incapable ,my freinds on here ,suffer to and i push myself to keep them going and being strong and telling them to keep fighting ,and here i am plotting and planning in great detail my demise ,trying to wiegh the pain with the relief,im not like this normally its since that damned post ,maybe i still feel frightened he will lock me in that toilet ,im still a child lisa ,i didnt have chance to run and play like other kids ,i leapt into manhood
chased by animals after my blood ,i want to play lisa ,i wanna be that punk again ,i wanna dance so much ,and sing and laugh ,i wanna be loud and crazy with joy lisa thats what i want ,you know you all send me love and hugs and stuff,and its so nice ,it makes me feel wanted and i wouldent want it to end ,but it frightens me ,have you noticed that i do it myself now and then ,but very rarely ,we,ll thats because of the third and last event in my sick life ,something witch came from nowere and nearly
destroyed my marrage,caused by a jelious whisper a simple lie for a reason i still cant understand ,witch i was a totally innocent victim ,
this one day i may tell,but not for a while yet ,and a simple thing you said here lisa ,people say nice things all the time but this is different simple
but meaningful ,,,you said you liked me ,thankyou lisa ,ive got 2 trancs
im gonna take them around 9 pm and try to sleep ,hopefully that deeply the nightmares wont touch me ,are you religious lisa ,what is the bible to you ,if you think its worth looking at ,i will get one ,you be strong lisa i will think about what you have said ,oh yes im sorry i could never tell fran about the biker ,i know you mean well ,it must stay only here ,thanks lisa
you say hi to mark ,i have a very interesting book about the punk movement in doncaster it has lots of photos in of the club were i was a roadie ,its a shame he couldent see it ,,,,,,,,,(((((lisa)))))),,,,,,,,,,,ken
how bad my torment is ,and maybe understand me a little better ,but as you say it has caused me to much pain ,its out there now and everyone knows what a dirty little pervert i was ,i was going to delete it ,but i have promised in an earlier post that i wouldent do that again ,its out there now
so thats it ,i can only think of death lisa ,all the time ,thinking about how everyone would look after each other ,the music i would lay down with
the wind of change by the scorpions ,i have all i want in life ,fran and her
wonderful love for me ,the girls who always make a fuss of me ,,my music you know lisa i must have 4or 5 ipods and docking stations ,the charity shop jobs not great ,but you know its only 16 hour a week
and i cant see or feel any pleasure in any of it ,i must be crazy or mentally
incapable ,my freinds on here ,suffer to and i push myself to keep them going and being strong and telling them to keep fighting ,and here i am plotting and planning in great detail my demise ,trying to wiegh the pain with the relief,im not like this normally its since that damned post ,maybe i still feel frightened he will lock me in that toilet ,im still a child lisa ,i didnt have chance to run and play like other kids ,i leapt into manhood
chased by animals after my blood ,i want to play lisa ,i wanna be that punk again ,i wanna dance so much ,and sing and laugh ,i wanna be loud and crazy with joy lisa thats what i want ,you know you all send me love and hugs and stuff,and its so nice ,it makes me feel wanted and i wouldent want it to end ,but it frightens me ,have you noticed that i do it myself now and then ,but very rarely ,we,ll thats because of the third and last event in my sick life ,something witch came from nowere and nearly
destroyed my marrage,caused by a jelious whisper a simple lie for a reason i still cant understand ,witch i was a totally innocent victim ,
this one day i may tell,but not for a while yet ,and a simple thing you said here lisa ,people say nice things all the time but this is different simple
but meaningful ,,,you said you liked me ,thankyou lisa ,ive got 2 trancs
im gonna take them around 9 pm and try to sleep ,hopefully that deeply the nightmares wont touch me ,are you religious lisa ,what is the bible to you ,if you think its worth looking at ,i will get one ,you be strong lisa i will think about what you have said ,oh yes im sorry i could never tell fran about the biker ,i know you mean well ,it must stay only here ,thanks lisa
you say hi to mark ,i have a very interesting book about the punk movement in doncaster it has lots of photos in of the club were i was a roadie ,its a shame he couldent see it ,,,,,,,,,(((((lisa)))))),,,,,,,,,,,ken
Last edited by xn728 on Fri Nov 27, 2009 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
deepeyes thankyou so much for your kind words ,ive spent many years
with this demon in my life ,and it is becoming to much ,ive been and looked death in the eye many times ,and i always turn away ,but sometimes it seems so hard to carry on ,i wish i could just lay down and have a long long sleep ,i hardly sleep ,and nightmares are my company
every night ,the visitor has held me by the throat for 5 days now and im tired ,i feel like giving up and let it have me ,lets see what happens
you are kind in telling me im not alone ,and i know this ,but when the pain is so harsh it makes me blind ,im trying to see with my mind but im weak
but ill keep trying ,my weight is now 9 stone 12lbs even had to adjust my watch strap this morning ,im not stopping eating on purpose i just cant face anything ,hey im ranting ,your a dear freind and im glad you came to the forum ,,,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,ken
with this demon in my life ,and it is becoming to much ,ive been and looked death in the eye many times ,and i always turn away ,but sometimes it seems so hard to carry on ,i wish i could just lay down and have a long long sleep ,i hardly sleep ,and nightmares are my company
every night ,the visitor has held me by the throat for 5 days now and im tired ,i feel like giving up and let it have me ,lets see what happens
you are kind in telling me im not alone ,and i know this ,but when the pain is so harsh it makes me blind ,im trying to see with my mind but im weak
but ill keep trying ,my weight is now 9 stone 12lbs even had to adjust my watch strap this morning ,im not stopping eating on purpose i just cant face anything ,hey im ranting ,your a dear freind and im glad you came to the forum ,,,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,ken
Dear Ken, as i said earlier i can tell what an unbelievably strong person you are and yes in its darkest depths depression can shut out the love that is everywhere from the people that matter, but that doesnt mean its not there, i have only been here what 2 days? and i know i would hate for anything to happen to you as would everyone else here, with the words i was welcomed with "this is a community" and you are a very strong pillar of it Ken, from personal experience you can be blind to just how much you mean to people and just how important you can be, you have two daughters and the most beautiful and important thing and any human can do is to usher life onto this planet, the most beautiful gift of all, although it may not seem as it at times, but as i said Ken you are never ever alone, Never, communities stick through thick and thin together, and no man gets left behind, we will all emerge from this one day even though depression tells you that you cant, you can, and you will, oh and your never too old to be punk my friend, my thoughts and hopes are with you xxxxxxx
oh and Ken even though im not a religious person exactly i remember reading this years ago and it had a profound effect on me, the true story of D. S. Weiler, and i just hope it has the same effect on you as it did me, http://4herway.com/4letterword/thebook.html, anyway much love xxx
thankyouuuuuuuuu
thanks ,ill look at the link tommorrow ive just had 2 trancs ,and i will hopefully sleep soon my life is made up of nightmares ,i dont have day and night its just one continuous hell ,i am a punk have been since 1976
and always will be ,im glad you found your way here ,and even though im
deep down now ,i will return the support ,i give freely and ask for nothing
i may seem cranky at times but dont let it push you away ,i have promised to behave ,your words have lifted me ,so let that thought lift
you also ,there you gave yourself a GIFT,,,,,,,goodnight i must go now
my eyes are going blurred,,,,,,,,,,,,deepeyes thankyou,,,,,,,,,,ken
and always will be ,im glad you found your way here ,and even though im
deep down now ,i will return the support ,i give freely and ask for nothing
i may seem cranky at times but dont let it push you away ,i have promised to behave ,your words have lifted me ,so let that thought lift
you also ,there you gave yourself a GIFT,,,,,,,goodnight i must go now
my eyes are going blurred,,,,,,,,,,,,deepeyes thankyou,,,,,,,,,,ken
oh ken, i can feel how much that man has damaged you...in no way are you a 'dirty little pervert' - he is, he preyed on your innocence. it saddens me that he took your childhood. Take it back - let yourself play, do the things you would have liked to have done, and above all forgive yourself
I think you summed up depression very well when you talk about knowing what good there is in your life yet not being able to take pleasure in it,that doesn't make you a 'crazy' man or an ungrateful man,just an ill man,in the grip of depression's devastating illness
I'm concerned that you're losing so much weight, try some of those protein and nourishment milkshakes maybe? i will definitely bung an extra jacket potato on the fire for you......!
I consider myself a religious and spiritual person yet shy away from a lot of organised religion, i come from a mixed jewish and christian background and have taken on different aspects of those beliefs and some buddhist ideas,i have learned many wonderful things from the bible and have some phrases written on my heart forever but am also very wary of certain parts of it when i am not well mentally as i tend to fixate on the bits about sin and demons....I think there is no devil to torment us that try to do our best for ourselves and others, my concept of God is love and creation and guardianship and the natural world and the best of human nature....wow this is getting deep...i preach nothing to others, i wish you love and luck on your own pathways
Goodnight to you ken and to all
Lisa xxxxxx
I think you summed up depression very well when you talk about knowing what good there is in your life yet not being able to take pleasure in it,that doesn't make you a 'crazy' man or an ungrateful man,just an ill man,in the grip of depression's devastating illness
I'm concerned that you're losing so much weight, try some of those protein and nourishment milkshakes maybe? i will definitely bung an extra jacket potato on the fire for you......!
I consider myself a religious and spiritual person yet shy away from a lot of organised religion, i come from a mixed jewish and christian background and have taken on different aspects of those beliefs and some buddhist ideas,i have learned many wonderful things from the bible and have some phrases written on my heart forever but am also very wary of certain parts of it when i am not well mentally as i tend to fixate on the bits about sin and demons....I think there is no devil to torment us that try to do our best for ourselves and others, my concept of God is love and creation and guardianship and the natural world and the best of human nature....wow this is getting deep...i preach nothing to others, i wish you love and luck on your own pathways
Goodnight to you ken and to all
Lisa xxxxxx
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