I've lost nearly everything...

[shatteredhopes]

I had dreams, nearly destroyed myself pursuing them, and failed. I had strong faith, now it is shattered. I had pets. They were my children, my family. Between my depression and financial ruin, I could no longer care for them and had to give them up. I lost my sanity following the grief, was in and out of the hospital for a year suicidal and hearing voices. My dad passed last year. My closest friends and some in my family betrayed me and hurt me badly, now I have difficulty trusting. I was mistreated by a hospital, now I no longer trust the mental health profession much. I don't have enough money. I took a risk with my heart and fell in love, only to be slightly mistreated, used, and then dumped by the man I wanted to build a life with. I fear trying anything new, as I cannot bear another disappointment. I live with chronic physical pain due to post-lyme syndrome.

My mom is my reason not to harm myself. It would hurt her too much. But she is in very poor health and elderly and I fear not much longer for this world.

I am grateful I have a roof over my head, hot water for baths, food, heat; I can see and hear and walk.

But I feel so alone, empty but for pain.

I feel I have nothing to hope for anymore. It feels like there's nothing left for me in this world. I'm so tired. I hurt so much, emotionally and at times physically too.

[xn728]

s/hopes were are your freinds in this tale of woe ,or have i left the forum and have,nt reliesed it ,hang on ,no im still here ,oh right its you youve gone blind ,your pain makes you not see us all feeling your pain ,i looked for you yesterday to speak but saw nothing ,and i missed you ,so here we are you and i and your pain ,but it hurts me to so, how can you have no,one im,were here ,my dear freind you can never be alone here you
have many many freinds here ,the fact that you cant see and touch us means that we have to be strong in the words we send ,so like it not im shareing your pain right now ,this is what makes me want to walk away sometimes ,to see so much and not be able to help any more ,can you understand that ,i hope so ,s/hopes you hurt now but it will ease ,and in pain or not we are always here ,i have pictures of you all in my mind faceless figures talking and chatting together and when i am cut off i live within that picture and it protects me ,please be strong s/hopes never alone my dear freind neveerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken xn728

[crystalgaze]

Hi there.

I've just returned.

You know.... I believe you will be able to rebuild your life. You may have lost nearly every thing, but you can regain it all & then some.

That's what I believe. It's just going to take a little effort & some baby, baby steps....

Don't you give up now, you hear?

I experienced similar things as you. The hospital mistreated me & the other patients where I was, too. I told them to kiss my ____. I have been very skeptical of every thing, doctors + medicine (most of all).

What I've arrived at is that there are going to be some that you like & some that you don't like; some whose methods are great/excellent & others whose approach is not for you. You have the power to get out of there, if you don't like the way something is going.

1 day, I will go back to a doctor.... I do have to get back on my feet properly 1st, but I've decided I will go as soon as I can.

We can talk more if you like & see if there isn't a way we can help you.

You take care now. Just do your best, alright?

[Mich]

There is a life for you out there; a life worth living; a life free of pain. You have to keep on trying every day to reach for it in any little way you are able. You have tremendous strength inside you....I can see it. I know you can fight your way to a better life. You have so many great insights and such wonderful words...you must be a very talented person. Would you feel comfortable creating some new goals for yourself? They don't have to be big...just something to keep your eye on and keep working towards.
Please don't self harm. In addition to your mother and others in your life, there is a whole community of people here that would be devastated. We want to support you in any way we can. You have made many friends here. I hope you know what a special human being you are.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((((Ken)))))))))))) THANK YOU for reminding me of my dear friends here, my brother.

((((((((((((((Crystal))))))))))))) since you are psychic or have the 'gift' I will take that advice I can rebuild my life as a positive 'sign'!

((((((((((((((Mich))))))))))))) you say you don't feel love but you always show soooooooo much love in your posts to me & others. You are a very, very kind person Mich, and I wish you could see you as I see you...a powerful warrior struggling with an awful disease but carrying on taking care of her children, nurturing friends on this site, and someone who was abused and neglected as a child...so is very, very hurt, but still shows remarkable capacity to love.

[xn728]

im flatered you call me brother ,no one has ever said anything like this to me before ,thankyou ,,,i dont know what else to say ,apart from hope your well ,and my thoughts are with you all ,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[shatteredhopes]

What little hope and self-confidence I had left or regained was destroyed by a bad relationship, a bad break-up, and being treated like garbage. I was so desperate for hope I hung on to someone who mistreated me repeatedly, thinking he would change, but he never truly loved me, I just couldn't see it because I loved him. Now, although I long for a loving mate, I don't think I want to ever take a risk with my heart again.

I care deeply about my friends here, my mother, one good friend I have in my life...but its not enough sometimes. I don't want to hurt anyone so I am struggling to continue existing, but don't know how long I can go on with no hope, no goals, no belief life can be worth living again, while experiencing extreme emotional pain and at times physical pain.

I have just been through too much in my life. And when I look at all the horror in the world...human trafficking, genocide, war, terrorism, famine, injustice, extreme poverty, etc. -- I feel its hopeless and don't want to be a part of it anymore. At least if I had something to make my personal life worthwhile, it might be tolerable. I once believed I could make a big difference in the world. I no longer do, only with the exception of small efforts to help others here and there. But, that is no longer enough to keep me going.

I wish I believed I had some good destiny ahead...but I fear I only face more pain. And I am unwilling to take much risk at this point for fear of being hurt even more. I get lonely but don't want to take a risk on people beyond posting here, because I no longer trust and have been badly hurt.

The break-up was the last straw. After the trauma of that one hospitalization, I am afraid of the mental health profession and hospitalization. They can't fix the pain and undo the damage that's been done. There's just no way to repair my life.

I cry when I think of the losses. Maybe it doesn't seem like much to others, but to me it feels like I have lost too much to continue on. A lot of people have basically happy lives...good for them. Why do some of us have to suffer so much? And it doesn't make me feel better that others suffer even more, because there's so little I can do to help them.

[xn728]

shatteredhopes ,you have to have hope ,we all have hope ,for something
that may happen tommorrow ,in a week ,or years ,you do make a differance in the world because you care about those few things you
mentioned ,what can i say to you ,that i havent said before ,i go threw
everyday searching not for the thing that makes me unhappy ,but i look
for the answer to finding happiness ,the guilt i feel for being this way is ingredible ,but i have no resason ,i have everything , so how does it work
your love for that man is dragging you down ,i can only say that you must let it go now or you never be free, let it go now ,mourn and move on ,dont look at what poetry hes writing ,someone else waits for you ,and if you dont free yourself from the hand that grips you now ,you will never
find your new love ,the one who calls your name even now ,we all love you here shatteredhopes ,please dont talk of not be able to go on ,we can only offer to stand with you ,and answer your crys for help ,never forget
we are here for you ,im frightened now ,normally i wont talk about
realasionships ,please dont let me have affended you ,by what ive said
i seem to be losing my way and couldent bear to upset someone else if im out of line ,i wont forgive myself ,,,,,ken

[Mich]

I feel like I could have written many of the words in this post. And oh how I can feel your pain. I am so sorry that you hurt so badly. But I have to ask you to keep the faith. We have to keep believing that things can get better for us. We have to try in small ways every day to make our life worth living. Please know that I understand the hopelessness. I am living it too and I know things seem very dark to you. I so desperately want you to see some light...some glimmer of hope. It's out there.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Ken)))))))))) don't worry my brother, you did not offend. Its not just the relationship, that was just the last straw in a series of injustices, big and small disappointments, losses, and hurts...I am so bitter and fed up.

(((((((((Mich)))))))))) I think it is easy for me to have hope for you or you to have hope for me, if only there was a way we could give each other the hope we feel for the other...

Thanks for caring both of you.

[crybaby1086]

S.Hopes, I think you and I need to make some big changes in our lives if we are going to feel better. I have some things in mind for my self. A move and a new job maybe. Maybe you can put that thought in the back of your brain and let it perculate. You never know what might come out of it.

[dandelion]

((((((((((((((((( Shatteredhopes )))))))))))))))))))

Life can be cruel and mean, but at times, life can be beautiful. Human, we shape the life that we are living now, and in every darkness, there is a light, a hope, something that you can always rely on to keep you moving.

Alan Bennett:
Life is rather like a tin of sardines - we're all of us looking for the key.

We all are struggling to feel better, to live a happy life, no more suffering, no more misery, but what is the key? thats the huge question. But i believe that one of these days we will find it, as long as we dont give up.

Dont give up shatteredhopes, never afraid to get up again when you fall and never give up everytime you failed, stand tall and try again friend, we are all here for you anytime you need us, we will support each other because we are all family. God bless and feel better okay, things will get better, you ll see.

hugs
dandelion

[Mich]

Good Morning Shatteredhopes - it's early Wednesday morning and I hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. I do have so much hope for you because I see you as such a beautiful, super intelligent, talented and oh so caring person who has so much to give. I know life has been very tough on you and it pains me that you are suffering so. You are right when you say it is easy to have hope for each other but not for ourselves. You likely don't see yourself as I see you. I am going to try to do one thing today to make my life better. It will be very hard and it will be a small thing but I am going to try. Will you try with me today?

[xn728]

pleased to see youu post and feel a little more positive ,my dear freind
will see you soon ,,,,,,ken