MY DEPRESSION ,MY VISITOR

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MY DEPRESSION ,THE VISITOR
IT DOESNT LET ME WATCH TV OR FILMS ETC ,IF I SPENT 2 HRS ENJOYING A MOVIE ,THAT WOULD BE 2 HRS CLOSER
TO THE START OF ANOTHER FRIGHTENING DAY ,I HATE TO SEE HAPPY PEOPLE ,THEY MAKE ME FEEL ANGRY AND JEALOUS
I DONT LIKE THINGS OUT OF PLACE ,IF I PUT SOMETHING DOWN ON A TABLE IT MUST BE STRAIGHT ,AND NOT 2 ONE SIDE
I CANT BEAR WHEN IM IN PUBLIC TO HAVE PEOPLE CLOSE TO ME ,I FEEL CLOSED IN TRAPPED UNABLE TO BREATH
I CERTANLY WONT TOLERATE BEING TOUCH BY STRANGERS ,SOMETIMES IVE HAD TO SHAKE HANDS WITH SOMEONE ,THIS I FOUND
VERY STRESSFUL ,ONCE WHILST SHAKING SOMEONES HAND THEY GRIPPED MY HAND TIGHTLY AND SAID I NEVER TRUST ANYONE
WHO DOESNT LOOK ME IN THE EYE ,WHEN SHAKING HANDS ,I REPLIED GRIPPING HIS HAND I AVIOD EYE CONTACT AT ALL COSTS
I MAY SEE SOMETHING YOU DONT WISH TO KNOW ,HENCE I DIDNT GET THE JOB ,
I WONT CONNECT WITH ANYONE ,WITH EYE CONTACT ,I FEEL UNWORTHLY AND LOWER THAN HUMAN LIFE
PEOPLE WALK ALL OVER ME ,I WONT STAND UP FOR MYSELF ,AS I HAVE NO SELF ESSTEEM ,
I BECOME UPSET AT VERY INSIGNIFICENT THINGS ,AND IT CAN BE DAMAGEING FOR ME .
IT MAKES ME FORGET THINGS VERY EASILY AND I FIND THIS VERY DISTRESSING INDEED
IT MAKE ME FEEL LACKING IN EMOTION, HAPPY ,EXITED ,JUST PLAY EMOTIONS IS WHAT I HAVE
IT DOES GIVE ME AN UNDERSTANDING OF OTHER PEOPLES PAIN ,AND I DO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WRITE ,SO IT MAY GIVE
SOMEONE A LIFT ,
IT DOSENT LET ME GET TO CLOSE TO MY FREINDS ,IT FRIGHTENS ME ,THE ME YOU DONT SEE HERE MAY HURT THEM
SO I KEEP FREINDS AT A SAFE DISTANCE ,BUT THIS CAN CAUSE MISUNDERSTANDING ALSO ,SO REALLY I CANT WIN ,
IT DOES LET ME WRITE ABOUT THE WAY I FEEL ,AND I AM SINCERE ,I WOULD NOT LIE HERE ,IT MAY SEEM THAT MANY THINGS HAVE
HAPPENED IN MY LIFE ,BUT THEY ARE TRUE ,IVE LIVED15:09 01/11/2009 WITH THIS ILLNESS MANY YEARS ,AND I FEEL NOW THAT I AM TOTALLY
CONSUMBED ,BUT IN BEETWEEN THIS DARK THING IVE BECOME I HAVE LIVED ,AND I WOULDENT CHANGE IT ,BECAUSE I WOULD LOSE
SO MUCH IN DOING SO ,AND I WILL FREELY ADMIT HERE NOW ,I DONT THINK I COULD LIVE ANY OTHER WAY ,
LIKE A PRISONER ,OUT AFTER 50 YEARS ,I WOULD NOT FEEL SAFE OR KNOW WHAT TO DO IN THE HAPPY WORLD MOST OF US
WANT SO BADLY ,THE ONLY TIME I HAVE FELT LIKE I MATTER ,APART FROM MY FAMILY LIFE OF COURSE,IS HERE ,
MY WORDS HAVE SOME EFFECT ON SOME OF YOU ,AND THE NICE THINGS YOU SAY MAKE IT ALL WORTH WHILE,
THANKS MY DEAR FREINDS JUST BECAUSE IVE STOPPED LOOKING ,YOU MUST CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR WHAT YOU NEED,,,,,KEN

[Mich]

I have felt so many of those same things. I am glad you feel like you matter here because you do....very much. Your kind, wise words always help me on my darkest days. I wish you some light today.

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yeahhhh mich i think there all common ,anther one i didnt mention
if i have lots to do ,i just spazzout and have to get them all done very quickly or it just burys me ,,,,,,,,,,i need to plan and have things in place
,,,,,,,thanks mich your a good freind ,,,,,ken ,,

[lisalou]

ken - it's nearly ferret time! hope they will give you a little bit of yapph animals know things many people don't, your ferrets love you because they can sense the kindness in you and you are their daddy. we think youre a very good person too

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yes ther on the garden now ,just getting dusk ,pumkin is lit ,im gonna sit out there for an hour ,i love the dark ,,,,,,hope your ok ,sad to see mich is bad ,,,,regards to mark ,,,,,,,,,later i hope ,,,ken

[crystalgaze]

~smile~ I understand.

As long as you talk, we can understand & work with ourselves & our comfort levels.

^_^

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onika ,talking seems to have do me no good ,only caused me pain ,maybe i talk to much ,,,,,,,ken