THE FIRE

[xn728]

OK WHEN I WAS 18 I JUST LEFT HOME ,I HAD GOT FED UP OF THE PARENT HASSLE AND I WENT OUT FOR A DRINK ONE NIGHT AND NEVER WENT HOME AGAIN ,THIS MUST HAVE KILLED MY MOTHER ,BUT I WAS YOUNG AND DIDNT CARE ,I SLEPT ANYWERE SOMETIMES AT FREIND S
HOUSE S SOMETIME JUST IN HEDGES OLD BUILDINGS ETC ,AFTER ABOUT 6 MNTHS MY MOTHER GOT A FREIND TO ASK ME TO COME HOME ,I WASNT INTERESTED ,BUT AFTER A FEW DRINKS ONE NIGHT I WENT HOME ,MY FATHER OPENED THE DOOR AND WENT OFF ON ONE STRAIGHT AWAY ,WE HAD A LITTLE FIGHT ,THEN MY MOTHER INTERVINED AND I WAS LET IN THE HOUSE ,MAM WAS GLAD TO SEE ME ,DAD NEW I HAD THE DEVIL IN ME PLUS A FEW OTHER THINGS ,THEY WENT UP TO BED ,AND I WAS LEFT TO STEW IN MY OWN JUICE ,I THOUGHT I WOULD TEACH MY DAD A LESSON ,THATS ALL I WAS THINKING WHEN I LIT THE NEWSPAERS UNDER THE TV ,I THOUGHT THEY WOULD JUST BURN AND LEAVE A MESS ,AND WHEN MY DAD SAW HE WOULD BE SCARED AND LEAVE ME ALONE ,WE KNOW THE OUTCOME THE HOUSE WAS A TOTAL LOSS AND ALL MY PARENTS POSESSIONS
WERE LOST ,I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THIS AND WHEN I SEE MY MAM AND DAD I FEEL VILE ,20 YEARS AFTER THIS MY MAM AND DAD DIVORCED ,DOWN TO ME IM SURE ,MAM SENT ME A LONG LETTER TELLING ME MY DAD HAD BEEN A BOOZER AND WOMANIZER WHEN I WAS YOUNG ,AND SAID THATS WHY WE HAD NO MONEY HE SPENT IT ON TARTS SHE SAID , 1 YEAR AGO MY MOTHER HAD A STROKE ,BLAME MYSELF AGAIN AND THEN 12 WEEKS AGO SHE TRYED TO KILL HERSELF AND WAS SECTIONED UNDER THE MENTAL HEALTH ACT ,ALL DOWN TO ME ,,,,,,,,,WHEN I HAD DONE THE FIRE A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER ,I WAS WALKING IN THE VILLAGE ,AND WAS BUNGGLED INTO A CAR ,TAKEN SOMEWERE REMOTE AND BEATEN BADLY ,AND TOLD IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS IF I DID NOT LEAVE THE VILLAGE I WOULD BE KILLED AND THEY MEANT IT ON THE OTHER HAND THE GANG I HUNG OUT WITH THOUGHT I WAS A HERO THE ULTIMATE PUNK I SPENT 4 WEEKS IN PRISON AWAITING SENTENCE I WAS ALLOWED MY FREEDOM AND DID COMMUNITY SERVICE .BUT KNOWONE EVER UNDERSTOOD I WAS NOT FREED AND NEVER WILL BE EVEN GOT ON NATIONAL TV
,THIS WAS A STUPID TEENAGE THING THAT JUST WENT HORRIBLY
WRONG ,SO THERE IT IS ,A LITTLE OF MY ENORMOUS PAIN ,YOU MAY UNDERSTAND ME A LITTLE BETTER NOW ,AND KNOW THAT I DO KNOW HOW IT WILL END ,,,,,,,,,,,KEN

[Mich]

There is so much pain contained in this entry. I feel honoured that you have shared this with us. Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping that your suffering could be eased.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))

I sat, read and cried for that young man. The lost one.

Yet I smile, seeing the man I do now. You have struggled long, very long. Your mother, isn't your fault. Sounds like she lived a life of betrayal with your father and with all pulled together, she gave up.

Continue your fight, know you have friends here that will listen, talk with you, support you and care!!

Take care of yourself Ken, for you, your wife, us.

Warmie/Jeanie

[crystalgaze]

(((((((Ken)))))))) ~whisper~

I can only pray that with this the pain can be released little by little.

In spite of every thing, I believe that you are a fine human being.

One day soon, I'm really hoping that you may be able to forgive yourself.

It's long overdue...

I mean no harm with my words to trigger you or any thing.... There is more I could say, but I will stop here.

[xn728]

oh onika and warmie,youve got me at it now ,i told you i would be truthful and share ,your replys are both lovely and i hold my hands out and accept them warmly ,i know you both mean we,ll but my pain will never end i know that two we,ll ,i wouldent know how to be well again ,ive been a prisoner for so long i only know this life of solitary confinment ,all my adult life i treid so hard to at least act normal ,but workmates new something was,nt right with me ,when i couldnt go on the lads night out ,i would be called ,miserable bastard ,and other things ,wouldnt be able to sit in the tea canteen because of the mumbles and taughts ,terrible things scralled on the factory walls about me ,general bullying ,but to weak ,and no self esteem not confident to say anything back ,just like school ,all my life i felt like another life form ,the visions came and went ,and now they here all the time ,but somehow i enjoy them ,i feel special ,something i can display like some unearthly weapon ,but it remains invisible ,and then i found the first forum ,first few posts were fine ,but when i got a little deep ,i was called an antichrist ,told i needed exorsicing ,and some kind person said what the f,,,g hell you onna bought you crazy bastard ,
so i looked here ,first few post ok ,lets get a little deep ,came on the next day ,so many hands reaching out to touch mine i could not beleive ,
so the brain cant work any other way no ,but thats alright because i have you my freinds and my family outside ,so nothing more do i ask
thanks for your kindness,,,and we will laugh more ,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

i know how it feels to be solitary,all my life i have struggled to 'fit in' to places and felt different and lonely since primary school but now at my best moments i can think f*** them, i like the strange little person that i am. most days i still have the continuous voice of criticism and self-hatred but i know i will never get that here,we have made a very special place here and that other forum you went on sounds horrible!!!

[xn728]

IM VERY SENSATIVE YOU KNOW ,I WORRY ABOUT PEOPLE ON HERE ,TO MUCH ,I DONT KNOW ,I JUST CARE ,SOMETHING HAPPENED ON HERE YESTERDAY ,LAST NIGHT AROUND 9,30 ISH ,AND I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IT HAPPENED BUT WHEATHER IT WAS MEANT TO UPSET ME OR NOT I DONT KNOW BUT IT DID ,ANY WHOOO DONT MATTER ,THANKS FOR YOU REPLY ,,,,,,MICH ASKED EARLY WHAT YAPPH MEANT ,IVE TRYED TO EXPLAIN ,I THINK SHE,LL KICK HERSELF WHEN SEE REILISES WHAT IT SAYS ,,,,,,LOL ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,KEN