***TW; SWEARING, TALK OF SH+ MORE***
Do you ever just lay in your bed while your family is awake and scream and cry into your pillow so they don't hear you? if they heard you crying they'd know something is wrong, they know that things are getting bad again, and they'd know how you really felt.
you don't want them to know this kind of shit because as much as you want to get better, you don't at the same time...
for me, depression is like a childhood comfort blanket... its something that you need to get rid of, but you just can't because its your blanket, your safety net, and your own messed up, twisted way of protecting yourself when in reality it isn't that way at all. it's hurting you more and more, you're losing people, you're losing friends and family and partners all because you won't allow yourself to love and that's so f****** stupid! All that any of us want to be able to do is tell people how we feel but if we do, we're 'attention seekers' or ' we need to just calm down' NO!! NO, WE DONT! if anyone actually knew how it felt to be inside our heads, they wouldn't be saying this shit but then you say that to them and they throw about the whole 'I've felt like shit before and I got over it' well good for you mate! I bloody well haven't!
they will never know how I truly feel until they've been in a hospital bed with cuts all over every hidden inch of their body crying themselves to sleep alone in hospital because their mum wouldn't even come to visit. After all, she can't deal with seeing her baby girl in that state! She can't stand to see her daughter or son in a bed after trying to k*ll themselves!
I just want to disappear so I don't have to face anyone again, I'm sick of taking pills just so that the voices in my head quieten down a little bit more...
Thanks for listening
