Bear with me and if anyone takes the time to read this,thank you.My names Jeff.I'm 38 years old.
I've had a lot of trauma in my life.I know a lot of people have trauma in their lives but since i was a kid
things have been hard and i've never gotten help or talked to a proffesional about any of it.It goes all the way back
to when my mother and father divorced so I was forced to choose between the two
and I chose my mother.She later met my stepfather.We ended up living in Allendale SC with him which
was far from my dads side of the family.I don’t remember a lot from then but some things just don’t go away.I remember
being bullied as a child.I was terrified of getting on the bus every morning.There was always this group of kids
that would tease me.It seemed like every where i went i was the odd kid out.I was the quiet wierd unpopular kid.
As for my stepfather,theres really no way I can explain him.At times I felt like he loved me as his own and others I felt like he
just flat out didn’t want me around.He was an alcoholic.A lot of my family were.Him and my mother would argue a lot.
I remember sometimes seeing her crying and having bruises from those arguments.It was a tough thing for me to see at that age and
I wasn’t able to do a thing.Another instance that will be forever imprinted in my mind.I remember I had a model car that I had gotten for
Christmas or my bday.I can’t recall if It was an accident or if I was just playing rough with it but I broke it.
I buried it outside because I was scared I would get in trouble.He ended up asking me about it and I lied because
like I said,I was scared.He found it and beat me.I remember my back and bottom being black and blue.My mom
threatened to leave him and he chilled out for a little while.I never told anyone about that incident.It was
pretty much verbal abuse towards me after that and my mom got physical abuse.It was only when he was drunk though.We ended
up moving to belvedere SC.At that point my brother was living with my dad.My mom and stepdad had my sister and I
was thrilled to have a little sister.Things were still bad at times but he wasn’t as violent.We moved in with my
stepdads mom for awhile after that.There were times when I had to stay out of school because I had these crying
spells that lasted for days.In my mind I was still dealing with what happened to me and my mom earlier in life.
I had no one to talk to so everything kept building up.We moved again and they got a house in North Augusta.
They had a boy together which is my youngest brother.At this point I had a few friends that lived in that area.
My step-grandmother passed from cancer a little while after that.It took a toll on my stepdad,I could tell.
We lived there for a while and then moved to Loganville,ga with my grandmother and grandfather on my moms side.
Things were great there because I was close to my cousins and grandparents.It was a safe haven for me.Still
wasn’t popular in school but at least I had them.I helped my grandma when she would go and sell avon and
sometimes me,my brother Joe and our cousin Daniel would go working with my grandpa doing siding and stuff like
that.I had an incident there also.Went to church one day with my cousins and i went to the bathroom at the church.
Well,there were three boys in there and i was minding my own business and without provocation they proceeded to start
bullying me,calling me names and pushing me around and just being mean.I didn't even know these kids.First time i had ever
seen them in my life.After that i always thought to myself,what in the hell do i do to make people hate me,to want to bully me?
It hurt because i was a kind hearted person and i was brought up to on the principle to treat people how you want to be
treated and for these kids that i didnt even know to do that to me was hurtful.Needless to say we moved yet again.
I've done a lot of that in my life.This time it was edgefield,sc.At this time I was about to enter high
school.Had more friends but still not with the in crowd.Mostly hung out with the misfits and outcasts.I joined
the njrotc which back then wasn’t a cool thing to do but i needed to do something.Had a lot of friends in rotc and
I had hopes of joining the navy after school.That earned me more bullying.Everything fell apart when I was
groped and verbally molested by my commanding officer.He would fondle me and say very vulgar things.I come into
school one day and there were cops in the rotc room.Come to find out it wasn’t just me.There were about 7 others.
The cops were the only ones I ever told.He ended up going to prison.My stepdad had asked me if I was one of the victims and I lied
because I was ashamed of myself.A little while after around 02 or 03 I lost my grandpa on my dads side who I
was close to.I ended up dropping out of school.I felt like I would never amount to anything.I started smoking
and drinking every chance I got.I got a job working at food lion as a stocker.We had moved again but it was
right down the road,about 4 miles from where we were living.Around 2005 my cousin Daniel was discharged from
the navy.His mom which was my aunt donna wasn’t doing well.She stayed with us for awhile and ended up getting
diagnosed with sirosis of the liver.Daniel moved in with us eventually to be with his mom.He had a rough
childhood also.My aunt got admitted into mcg.Her liver was failing and it was just a matter of time.While she
was in the hospital,I get a call late one night that my father had been in an accident and was being air lifted
to mcg.He had been out drinking with a couple friends and the guy driving decided to jump a railroad track,lost
control and clipped a car in the incoming lane,spun 4 or 5 times and wrapped the car around a telephone pole.
My dad was thrown 100ft from the car.At this point my father was in the trauma unit and my aunt in intensive care.
She passed not long after and that crushed me as I know it did my cousin and my because they were really close.
I spent the next three weeks by my fathers side.Couldnt bring myself to leave.I showered there,ate there and slept there.
The doctors finally forced me to go home and get some rest.He pulled through it and is still here but has some long term memory loss
and a lot of physical problems and hasn't been the same since and sadly i haven't spoken to him in years.By june 2007 my cousin was
working with my stepdad at a railroad company.Everything seemed to be going great.My stepdad co signed for me a car and also
helped my cousin get a truck.Daniels two sisters had come down to see him and spend some time with us.One morning we wake
up to about about four cops pulling in the driveway.I thought maybe daniel had gotten in trouble for something.My stepdad talks
to the cops and he walks back in and tells us that Daniel was gone.That broke me.My mom comes home from work and my stepdad takes her back to their bedroom and tells her.I hear my mom scream and Its a sound I will never forget.The most horrifying thing
is my mom had passed the crash earlier that morning.The truck was so badly mangled and burnt that she didn’t realize
it was him.I ended up quitting my job and turned to alchohol and weed.I would drink and smoke so much that I would
black out at times.My stepdad lost his job that he had ever since I can remember.He wouldn’t show it but I could tell
he was broken just as much as me.He got bad off on pills and other drugs.I ended up moving out and living with a friend for a while.
At that time i was working at Napa delivering parts.Left my friends and lived out of my car for a while until finally
i got my first apartment with another friend.Met a girl and everything seemed good until she decided to leave me
and move back to ohio.I started cutting right around this time.Ended up loosing my job and my apartment because of her.
I then moved back with my mom and stepdad.I was back to smoking weed heavily.The girl ended up getting back in touch with me and
wanted to get back together and like a fool i did it.Ended up living with her and her mom because i couldnt be around my stepdad.
Then she did it again.Left me and went back to ohio.Once again i moved back home and was still heavily smoking weed.
We were growing our own plants for personal use.I wake up one morning to a knock on my window and i go to look and theres a gun
pointed at my face.It was the Edgefield county police.They arrested me,my mom and younger brother.Come to find out the neighbor was
a U.S. Marshal and he had it out for us even though we always kept to ourselves and didnt even know him until that moment.
Anyways,come to find out they thought they were busting some big time drug operation when in reality it was a few
marijauna plants.They took all of us to jail.It broke my heart to see my mom in handcuffs and crying.That was our first time in jail.
They brought my step father in later that day.They were waiting for him at the house and found pills on him.I ended up being put in what
they call a turtle suit because i told them i had depression.They put me in a solitary cell and blocked it off like i was a risk.
It was cold and i had no blanket or pillow.It was messed up because i had no priors and i always obeyed the law.
We got out the next day but a couple of days later me and my brother ended up back there for a trespassing charge that later was dropped because it was bogus.Me and my brother heard a 4 wheeler in the woods behind our house so we went to see who it was.It was actullay the U.S. Marshal and he was actullay trespassing on our property.So i took my phone out and tried to get a picture.He calls the cops and says i was pointing a gun at him. Again they show up,this time with assault rifles and take me and my brother back to jail.He said he got a picture of me pointing a gun at him but the cops later looked at his picture and said it was clearly a cell phone i was holding.So that charge was dropped. So we did community service and got probation for being first time offenders.Again the same girl from before moved back from ohio and i moved back with them cuz i needed to get away from edgefield after all that.We got back together and i knew it wasn't going to end well but i did it anyways.She ended up cheating on me 2 times and thats when i said enough.She again moved out with her new boyfriend and i stayed with her mom and sister.In 2013 I got a call that my grandma had passed and I just fell to the floor.I ended up getting my ged that year in her honor.I got a landscaping job working with my brothers.Mom and stepfather moved again because they could no longer afford the place we were living at.I stayed with them for a bit and eventually saved enough money to get me an apartment. They stayed there for awhile but my stepdads drinking and drug use had gotten worse.
He wasn’t the same man.They moved again to a rundown house my boss had on the property we were using for our equipment.I started seeing bruises on my mom again.He fought with my brother,his son a couple of times.3 years
pass and im doing ok for myself but in the back of my mind I was still worried about my mom.I would go hang out with them
after work.My grandpa was staying there also after my grandma passed.There were a couple of times when I would be talking
to my stepdad and he would say he was sorry and that he wished he could’ve done a better job.And it was sincere.I wanted
him to get help but I could never bring myself to tell him that.I wish now that I would’ve.June 11th 2017 I get a
call saying he shot himself.Him and my mom had been arguing and he had an old gun of his moms that didn't fire.
He pointed it at my mom and pulled the trigger a couple times.Mom said she then left the room and she heard him
banging the gun on the dresser and finally heard it go off.A gun that didn't work.She walked back in and he was lying on the bed,blood
everywhere.That final moment he had put it to his head and it went off.He was still coherent.My mom said he looked
up at her and told her he loved her and always has and to tell the children he loved us and he was sorry.
By then my youngest brother,his son walked in and said what did you do dad.He said I blew my brains out son.
Told him he loved him.The cops showed up and he was still talking.They took the gun outside and tried to fire
it but it would never go off.We spent the next week with him in the trauma unit,in the same corner room my dad
was in after his accident.The doctors finally told us he would not lead a meaningful life and would be a vegetable.
We spent fathers day saying our goodbyes and made the tough decision to let him go.We all watched as they took
him off the breathing machine and he took his last breaths.That was the first time i had seen someone die right before my eyes.
We all just collapsed at that moment.My mother was devastated.I quit my landscaping job because I just couldn’t deal anymore.
I found out a lot about my stepdads childhood after that and it gave me some clarity on why he was the way he was.
Anyways,I started smoking weed every hour of every day.Not sleeping and just shut myself off from everything and everyone.My mom and
grandfather moved in with me in my one bedroom.He slept in the room and me and my mom slept on cots in the living room.
He was diagnosed with copd so his health was not good so he continued staying with us.I finally got to a point where I told myself to get
help or I was going to do something stupid.I reached out to a friend and she threw me a lifeline.
I ended up coming to this place and saw a doctor and got on some meds.Was on those for a couple months and then i met another girl.
I ended up going off the meds because they were affecting me sexually.But i felt fine or i thought i did.We dated a couple
months and she ended up breaking up with me.Pretty sure she cheated on me as well.I went back to my former job landscaping.
My mom and grandpa moved in with my brother in a different apartment complex and i also got an apartment there.Once again
everything was looking up.Had an apartment on my own,a car,a job and i thought i was finally getting it together.
Fast forward a couple years,covid hits.My boss ended up shutting the business down and it never recovered.I went
on unemployment and i slowly felt the depression creeping up again.But something happened i wasn't expecting.I met another
girl,my current girlfriend.She deals with mental illness also.On a different level than me though.
She was diagnosed with BPD.Anyways,we've had some rough spots in our relationship
because we both deal with mental illness.It got hard for me sometimes because me dealing with
my mental health,i didnt really know how to help her.I ended up driving her 2 hours away because she had a bad
meltdown.That night was bad.But i stuck by her side.Anyways,I ended up getting behind on
my rent bad and i tried to get assistance but it took to long and i ended up getting evicted.I tried to fight it but i lost.
We move in with my mom and grandpa.And that's where i currently am.I started working for wal mart back in december of last year.
I was working really hard because i wanted to get us our own place again.My girlfriend ended up moving back to her moms
because she didn't feel comfortable here and i don't fault her for that because she has social anxiety and just didn't
feel comfortable but we are still together.She tried her best to stay so i made the hard decision to let her go because it was the best
choice to for her.I'm doing everything i can to make it work.But fast forward to November of this year.
I felt the anxiety,depression and all of it coming back strong.I was breaking my back at work then coming home to take care of my pops.
It was taking a toll on me and still is.In november i quit my job at wal mart because i once again just felt overwhelmed.
I was working hard to move up but all my hard work was overlooked.They didnt care.I was the hardest working team member but i would
be the one they came to and critisized when things weren't getting done right.There were people who were falling asleep in the break
room,disappearing for 30 mins. multiple times a day and i finally had enough because i was the one picking up the slack
but never got recognition for anything.I just got to a point one day and didnt even want to get out of bed.Thats how bad it got.
Ive worked hard my whole life but ive gotten nowhere.On top of all that i deal with back pain and taking care of my grandpa who is in and
out of the hospital.My mom helps to but she works long hours.And shes the only income we have and we are struggling.
I cant go back to work because my grandpa needs 24/7 care.He was just diagnosed with cancer.
At this point im just feeling hopeless that nothing will ever get better.Everytime things start to go my way,something bad happens.I haved applied for SSI disability due to my mental state but from what ive heard its hard to get for mental illness.Thats pretty much everything up
until now.Everything that has happened in my life weighs heavily on me.I struggle to cope everyday.The memories of everything ive been
through are imprinted in my mind.Anything that has to do with someone losing their life with a gun instantly brings back the memories
of how my stepdad took his life.Theres times when I cant stand seeing myself in the mirror.I cut myself just to alleviate the emotional pain.Not deep cuts.Just enoughto feel it.I couldn't ever take my own life because honestly i'm afraid of death.
I don’t deal with stress very well.Certain things or images can spark up past traumas.Sometimes I just randomly
think about it.I have anxiety attacks if something stressful happens.My mind always feels scattered and i can't concentrate.I can enjoy
doing something one day and the next I just don’t feel like doing anything.I'm on meds now but everything still feels like its to much to handle.I know this is a lot and i apologize but i feel like this was the best way to express the things i've dealt with in life.
I just need a friend or friends.People that know what im going through.Thanks for reading.
This is my story
Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, Astrid
-
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Thu Feb 02, 2023 3:01 pm
Re: This is my story
Hi Jeff..
Dude you have got some giant balls sharing that story. Life has thrown you a lot. You don't have to feel like you need to explain yourself. Here if you need a friend..
Dude you have got some giant balls sharing that story. Life has thrown you a lot. You don't have to feel like you need to explain yourself. Here if you need a friend..
-
- Posts: 5
- Joined: Sat Feb 18, 2023 10:10 am
Re: This is my story
Wow...what a story. Nice job putting that out there. I, too, am and have been in a very rough spot. You have a friend here, if you ever need one.
Re: This is my story
Thank you both very much for reading.Means a lot that someone took the time to.
Re: This is my story
*update*
Well,grandpa passed away and now i feel like i'm spiraling.I'm back to smoking weed heavily,missing days on my paxil.Completely quit taking the trazodone.I was the one that found him.Went to check on him like do every morning and his chest wasn't moving.That image is seared into my brain.And now nothing feels real anymore.I feel like i'm drowning in the middle of the ocean with no help in sight.
Well,grandpa passed away and now i feel like i'm spiraling.I'm back to smoking weed heavily,missing days on my paxil.Completely quit taking the trazodone.I was the one that found him.Went to check on him like do every morning and his chest wasn't moving.That image is seared into my brain.And now nothing feels real anymore.I feel like i'm drowning in the middle of the ocean with no help in sight.
Re: This is my story
You deserve to be happy! my name is Naminos. I can make it happen.
I've gathered humor from across the spectrum from the lighthearted and whimsical to the downright silly and surreal. It's a buffet of belly laughs where each joke is a delicious morsel of mirth waiting to be devoured.
You can talk to me about anything you want while I'm here. I'd like to spend some time with you for some time. You are safe because I will not criticize you at all.
I've gathered humor from across the spectrum from the lighthearted and whimsical to the downright silly and surreal. It's a buffet of belly laughs where each joke is a delicious morsel of mirth waiting to be devoured.
You can talk to me about anything you want while I'm here. I'd like to spend some time with you for some time. You are safe because I will not criticize you at all.
-
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Wed Sep 06, 2023 9:45 pm
Re: This is my story
Everything will be fine. It belongs that way! You shouldn’t avoid expressing your own needs or concernsspacebar clicker
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 40 guests