OK, here goes...

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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somanycritters
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OK, here goes...

Postby somanycritters » Tue Mar 03, 2009 12:04 pm

As those of you know who have already done this, writing about one’s experience is a pretty daunting task. While I carry all this stuff around with me, I try not to look at things closely very often. I’m afraid this is going to be lengthy, but then I’m an old lady so I’ve got lots of history!

I’ve had clinical depression for a loooong time, over 40 years, although I managed to function “normally” until about 15 years ago. Other than a genetic tendency towards depression I can find few clues to why I am the way I am. I had wonderful, supportive parents and a secure home environment despite the fact that we moved around a lot due to my dad’s job. (I attended 9 different schools) With all that moving around (and constantly being the “new kid”) I found stability in the company of my pets and in doing art work. I also discovered that I was more comfortable being solitary rather than dealing with other people. I think the seeds of my depression took root during this time.

While I hated high school I loved college life and actually found I liked being with people and could be quite outgoing! I was a good student and absolutely single-minded in my pursuit of a career in the arts. Then in the fall of my senior year I was raped. I went home to my parents for the remainder of the semester. During that break at home my parents never mentioned the assault. In true WASP fashion upsetting things were never discussed. In January I returned to classes as though nothing had ever happened. In the meantime the police had caught the rapist. The trial was the following summer. When it was over I felt I’d been raped all over again because the jury’s verdict was Not Guilty. So much for justice and our impartial judicial system and the naïve and trusting person I had once been. Later that summer I made a half-hearted attempt at killing myself and then managed to get on with my life.

I attended a high powered Ivy League graduate school and embarked on a 25 year career that I loved. During grad school I started having panic attacks and what I realize now where brief bouts of depression, but I still managed to function at a high level. In my early 30’s I developed agoraphobia in addition to the panic attacks and for the first time I sought professional help. Unfortunately, 30 years ago depression was a little-understood disease. I wasn’t even diagnosed with depression and instead was given all sorts of inappropriate meds: anti-psychotics, sedatives, etc. What pulled me out of the agoraphobia was my desire to get a horse and the need to meet new people who could help me make my long time dream come true. I’d had horses as a kid and always found their company comforting and inspiring.

Fast forward 10 years: I’d advanced in my career, bought my first house, done some foreign travel, but the depression was advancing as well. By now I’d seen a string of doctors, one of whom finally identified my problem as depression and prescribed a med that was new on the market, Prozac. It was like a miracle! The depression was gone. Life was good. Unfortunately he had to keep increasing the dose to keep those positive effects and eventually no amount of Prozac was effective. Then we started a trial and error routine with the meds. Lots of errors. I even had ECT (shock therapy) but all that did was wipe my short-term memory. In the meantime the depression was getting much worse, interfering with my job performance and gradually destroying my life. I spent 2 years basically bedridden staring at the ceiling. Fourteen years ago I had to give up my job and go on disability.

At present I’m on a cocktail of meds that literally keeps me alive, although recently we’ve had to add a new med to the mix because I was starting to bottom out again.

So that’s basically my story. Not very uplifting, I’m afraid. Depression has nearly destroyed me: professionally, financially, physically and mentally. I don’t dwell on the causes of my depression because what’s past is past. While the rape was certainly a trigger I believe that I’m genetically predisposed to the disease because several family members were also affected, though not as severely.

On a more positive note, once things got fairly stabilized with the meds I’ve been able to live a reasonably productive life. My critters motivate me to get up each morning and bring me great joy. I’m constantly grateful for their presence in my life. For several years I was incapable of any creative work – for 40 years I had drawn EVERY day and suddenly it just stopped. But gradually I started again and am producing the best work I’ve ever done. I’ve managed to write a book and had my writing and illustrations published in several publications.

I’ve accepted the fact that I will be on medication for the rest of my life. I live by the adage “One day at a time” while hoping that tomorrow will be better.

aim
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Postby aim » Wed Mar 04, 2009 11:44 am

(((((somanycritters))))) thank you so much for sharing your story!!! And I disagree that it's not inspirational - look at you now!! Doing well after all of that difficult stuff in the past. Good for you!!

I agree with you that any type of mental illness is pre-disposed with genetics. But, I do also think that stressful events and a stressful life can also play a big part. Not seeking counseling or getting any closure on the Rape has definitely harmed you as well. But it's nice to see that you are looking forward and not back!!

It sounds like, despite the odds stacked against you, that you've had a mostly fulfilling and successful life, somanycritters. Now, you can give all of that love, intelligence, affection and smarts to your beautiful creatures.

Keep sharing!!!

somanycritters
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Postby somanycritters » Wed Mar 04, 2009 2:44 pm

Aim, thank you for your supportive comments. They mean a great deal! We on this site are so fortunate to have your compassionate and encouraging feedback.

Yes, the rape has had a profound influence on my life. I’ve been to a rape survivors group and other therapy groups, not to mention being hospitalized twice, but the fear and distrust is always there. That said, I still lead a very independent life, but I’m no longer the outgoing person I once was.

I tend to think of my life as before and after. The before part was successful and optimistic, looking forward to what the future would bring. Now, although I’m happy to be producing some good work, I feel like I’m living in a void, just marking time. I no longer make long-term plans and I can’t seem to find any bright spots on the horizon. I live very much in the present, caring for my critters and enjoying the company of the folks at the stable, but I hold few positive thoughts about my future.

An interesting “side effect” of sitting down and writing of my experiences is that it has forced me to take a hard look at the present as well as the past. I’ve realized that I tend to go around in a bit of a fog, just putting one foot in front of the other, trying to make it through another day. Hopefully I can find the mental energy to make some positive changes. Posting in this forum may be a start.

aim
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Postby aim » Wed Mar 04, 2009 7:08 pm

Thank YOU for that lovely comment about me! It's more appreciated than you know...

I do agree that we need to look at life in stages - however, I also think it's important to weed through our pasts as they have shaped our present and future.

Good step you are taking, somanycritters! I do hope posting on this forum will begin to help you heal, take some chances, and really enjoy life. You deserve it, somanycritters - please don't ever lose sight of that, ok???

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Robvious
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Postby Robvious » Mon Mar 09, 2009 9:57 am

We are honored that you'd share your story with us. I hope you continue to find some support here on these forums (some really great people here). :)

Monty
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Postby Monty » Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:59 pm

I know that I am a little late in joining in on this thread.

It is the genetic predisposition to mental illness that scares me a lot. My mother suffers from depression (deep enough that she was committed when I was a teenager. I suffer from a bipolarII diagnosis, and now my son has also "inherited" the same diagnosis.

I applaud you for being the person you are, after all that you have gone through. A lot of people who have had crap dumped on them all of their lives, turn out to be bitter, angry people.

I don't have any problem with people being angry about depression. It is when it turns into an internal rage that the problems arise.

As I said at the start, I know that I am getting into this thread midstream, but hope that things are going well with you. I think that we are about the same age, share the same diagnosis, and have been trying to get help for close to 18 years.

Sometimes it seems like such an uphill battle. But like most battles. In the end it doesn't make any difference who is right, it's who are left.

We are all strong at different times. At the times that we are not so strong we need to be able to let the others, that are doing better than us, at the time to help us along

aim
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Postby aim » Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:27 pm

Well said, Monty! And you know what they say... depression is just anger turned inside out!

Also...totally agree that strength comes in waves, and that it is important to have others to lean on when your own strength is taking a vacation! Then, when we are strong, we get to return the favor... it's a nice feeling!

Monty
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Postby Monty » Sun Mar 22, 2009 1:51 am

Maybe the movie "Pay it Forward" expresses best how we should try to live our lives.

My friends would make fun of me. I went to a Liquidation Store and got more than 80 pewter, teddy bears. Quite small but good quality. The stickers on the bottoms was $5.99. I got them all for $1.10. That is the total for all 80. They were virtually given them to me to take from their store.

The whole story is quite long, but the end line is that during Christmas I would put a few in my pocket and given them to clerks that seemed. Frazzled. I wasn't just doing it for them. I got a good feeling from the smil that they got on their faces.

I guess "Pay it Forward" is another move I could have put on my favorites list.

aim
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Postby aim » Sun Mar 22, 2009 5:38 pm

That's a really lovely story, Monty. Sometimes, even what we think is the smallest of gestures, can truly make someone's day.

I think that is an important lesson for us to know, actually. If we think something we do for someone else is insignificant, think again! That door you hold open, that person you allow in front of you in traffic, and that store clerk that you smile and thank, could make a dark day so much better for them.

Hope all is well with everyone!!

Monty
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Postby Monty » Mon Mar 23, 2009 6:13 pm

Amy,

My sister-in-law works in a grocery store and she has said that a lot of times people are shopping for groceries at the end of the day, and mostly they have a million other things on their minds.

It guess that it tends to be that they sometimes are a little more abrupt that they might normally be, and their targets are often the clerk in the store.

She says that by the end of her day, and having had so many people crab at her, that she isn't the happiest of campers when she heads home.

I am not going to race Mother Theresa for sainthood, the idea of giving out the teddy bears just came to mind when I was standing at a checkout, and the lady ahead of me gave the clerk a little,wrapped package containing some candies.

The clerks face really lit up.

It wasn't an original idea of mine.

aim
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Postby aim » Mon Mar 23, 2009 7:53 pm

Although I am not a store clerk, I can speak as someone who works with people and believe me I know that feeling!!

Monty - perhaps the idea was not yours, but the feeling behind was. I, for one, think it was a wonderful thing - no matter who thought of it! Sometimes we have to follow great ideas instead of thinking of them ourselves. Give yourself some credit, girl! It was NICE and THOUGHTFUL thing to do... :-)

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Postby georgiapeach » Mon Mar 23, 2009 8:28 pm

hey guys, not trying to be rude here but lets redirect the focus to somanycritters... since its his/her post... thanks!

aim
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Postby aim » Mon Mar 23, 2009 9:24 pm

Sorry if the posts were hurting somanycritters. I simply thought these forums were for everyone and anyone who needed them, no matter who started the original post.

Where are you, somanycritters? Is all ok? How are your critters? You are missed - come back soon!!

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Stephen
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Postby Stephen » Mon Mar 23, 2009 10:12 pm

It looks to me like somanycritters has been given the support they were looking for, and that simply this subject/thread has gone in a slightly different direction as somanycritters is no longer replying.

Threads/subjects do that... I'd say (in my humble opinion) that was normal and healthy.

Keep threads alive! In this way we keep the forums alive!

Stephen

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Stephen
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Postby Stephen » Mon Mar 23, 2009 11:11 pm

That's the great thing about this site... it's an exchange of thoughts and experiences.

It all looks positive to me... a subject is started and then is expanded on and leads into other avenues.

Stephen


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