I totally hear you. I lived like that for over ten years. I was too afraid to live and yet too afraid to end my life. I was just stuck in limbo. My abusive childhood stunk. My teen years were transient and pathetic. And my 20’s was living completely and utterly depressed, suicidal, hungry, and barely any funds to live off. Now in 30’s and still wet behind the ears
but at least not hungry, cold, depressed, and enough funds to live comfortably. So things do
But I’ll tell you something… despite all the attempts I made, I’m glad I succeeded in NOT completing suicide.
If I had failed (completed suicide) then I would have failed all the other people in my life that I have helped and can help... my uncle for starters. He has special needs and thus he needs me. And the friends I have made. The lives I have come across over the years and the positive impact I have had on their lives.
I have tears right now because I would have missed out on all that. I would have missed out on seeing other people smile and their hearts filled with joy. I would have missed out on all the beautiful sunrises and sunsets. I would have missed out on roaming around in the wilderness. I would have missed out on walking along the beach barefoot. I would have missed out on all the incredible friendships. I would have missed out on the feeling of loving and being loved.
I figured since my life went to potty, the least I can do is to enhance the lives of others. And I love it! It drives me. I'm the happiest I have ever been, and things are going to continue to get even better. I'm so excited for what the future has in store for me, and what God has planned for me, too.
Speaking of which, most of all I would have missed out on coming to know our loving heavenly Father, Jehovah God, in this system of things.
My life is just getting started, as I have much more to accomplish before my time is up. And so do you, my friend!
So hang in there. You are feeling utter despair. I know that all too well. But these dark times you are experiencing right now WILL pass. Hang on to the hope. Hang on to faith. It is not yet your time, either.
But truth be told, my life at the moment, although I crushed depression and anxiety years ago, is far from fulfilling. There are so many issues and gaps in my life--from all the damage depression did to me--than I can poke a stick at. But I refuse to give into those feelings or any self-defeating thoughts, because I know if I do (especially for extended periods of time), it will surely evolve into depression.
Another driving force for me to live is because I have always yearned for a family of my own one day. I wanted to give my family what I should have had. I want to give my children the love, nurture and opportunities in life that I did not get. I wanted my wife to have an extraordinary life, to be loved, and appreciated. I wanted my family to thrive and be the best they can be. Most of all, during the ups and downs, i want my family to pull through together, to have moral values to live by.
Alas, that never happened for me, primarily because of the depression. It often feels like that ship has sailed for me... but there is still that hope, whether in this world or the next, I will marry in the Lord and have that family I yearn for. I won't able to accomplish this, though, if I don't stick around.
So find your reason—your “why”. What would you want to achieve in life if depression didn’t exist? Then ask yourself why it is important to you. Let it fuel you. Let it spark then go into a raging fire. You’ll be surprised what stubbornness and determination will do to a person. You need to find a way to get that determination and spark it, fuel it. The "why" will be your fuel.
Try taking one day at at time. Set some small, achievable goals each day. It is important to gain momentum. That momentum will build up from a small snowball into a big one then finally into an avalanche.
You are in my thoughts and my prayers.