Trying to Change

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Marksmagic
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:49 pm
Location: England, UK

Trying to Change

Postby Marksmagic » Sat Oct 27, 2018 10:11 pm

Hi All

I discovered this forum by chance after being advised that a community with similar problems is a good place to find support for my ongoing issues.
I seem to be suffering from depression which I hate to admit but I guess this is the first step to a better life.

It has come and gone throughout various periods in my life which I think I get over by distracting myself in one way or another such as when I run away in a sense e.g. get a new job or change my routine or lifestyle.
I feel that there has been no particularly traumatic event in my life that has triggered it. Currently I am struggling to find where my future lies, I have some good aspects to my life but find it difficult to allow these to drag me up from the horrendous lows that I suffer.

Only last week I was walking on the beach drinking and smoking, tears streaming down my face. I broke down in the park on my lunch break on Monday this week and in these states I just have the voice in my head telling me how nobody cares about me (except like 2 people whom I don't see regularly).

I feel alienated from my family despite just recently moving back in with my parents. This is supposed to be temporary as I am heading to the mountains to work the ski season, as skiing and snowboarding is one of my greatest passions.

I just feel totally disconnected from my family and feel like they don't understand or try to understand my problems.

I have tried therapy but that didn't help so I am now trying the 12 step system to try to find the root cause of my problems and see if this helps. As mentioned above, one of these steps encourages the engagement of some support and whilst I cannot find this with friends or family, I thought I would try here.

One of my main issues which has brought me here is the fact that in face to face situations, I cannot vocalise my feelings. All I can say is 'I dunno' whilst I struggle to breathe as the tears dribble down my miserable face. I feel that, for context, I should confirm that I am a very healthy male who tries to keep very fit and I'm stumbling towards 30.

Apologies for the lengthy post, I just want to provide some love and support in the hope that I can find some in return to make my life and the life of others happier and meaningful.

BillR1965
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2018 2:14 pm

Re: Trying to Change

Postby BillR1965 » Mon Oct 29, 2018 4:50 pm

There are two 12 step fellowships that you probably should know about. Depressed Anonymous was founded in 1985 and does have a smattering of meetings geographically. Another is Emotions Anonymous, which in addition to having face to face meetings they also have online meetings. Look into them. If you identify, GREAT. If you don't identify, GREAT.

Talking with other people who share your affliction (depression here, but it could be anything else) is easier to do than talking to "normal" people. By the way "normal" is not a measure of good or bad. It is a statistical measure that just means the most common.

I know for myself I have to look inward and see what my motivations are for acting in a particular way.

Be well.

froggymom
Posts: 7
Joined: Tue Feb 07, 2017 2:47 pm

Re: Trying to Change

Postby froggymom » Tue Oct 30, 2018 2:39 pm

Hi Marksmagic and welcome to the forum. It is good that you are reaching out and trying to connect with others. I'm sure your family cares about you even if they don't understand what you are suffering. When you get those negative voices in your head don't believe them. Try replacing every negative thought with a positive statement. You are a special, wonderful creation and deserve to be happy and loved. Hang in there and keep up the fight. I am rooting for you. You might also check out some of these resources. https://bit.ly/2mFxWoz

Marksmagic
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:49 pm
Location: England, UK

Re: Trying to Change

Postby Marksmagic » Sat Nov 03, 2018 7:13 am

BillR1965 wrote:There are two 12 step fellowships that you probably should know about. Depressed Anonymous was founded in 1985 and does have a smattering of meetings geographically. Another is Emotions Anonymous, which in addition to having face to face meetings they also have online meetings. Look into them. If you identify, GREAT. If you don't identify, GREAT.


Thank you Bill, I've found some useful information from this.

Had another emotional breakdown last night, feeling useless and lonely. Think I need to find a community to feel part of.

Thanks for the resources @froggymom, I'll have a read of those.

Marksmagic
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:49 pm
Location: England, UK

Re: Trying to Change

Postby Marksmagic » Sat Nov 03, 2018 7:48 am

https://www.12step.org/forum/index.php? ... l-healing/

This is very enlightening.

I have quite a lot of resentment, largely towards my parents. I didn't have a bad upbringing compared to a lot of people I don't think but I feel like it didn't hold much emotional attachment and I think that is one of the root causes of my problems.

I think I repress anger quite a lot and maybe express it badly - usually by punching inanimate objects (I once punched a taxi window which luckily didn't smash some how)

I repress my feelings, seek approval, have quite a lot of fear of authority and insecurities.

Isolation is a big problem for me aswell, hiding seems to be my go to survival instinct at the moment which isn't helping and I seem to be suffering from low self-esteem more regularly than I used to.

Just wanted to share some of my self discovery.

Nykky
Posts: 4
Joined: Sun Jul 08, 2018 1:45 pm

Re: Trying to Change

Postby Nykky » Sat Nov 03, 2018 4:27 pm

Hy, that link is really interesting.it will help if you don't know where and why the problem is.

i don't usually reply to post but in my opinion the fact that you know and acknowleged something is wrong and want to talk about it is a step forward.

it is important to find someone that you can talk to and not keep everything inside because it becomes toxic with time

pam4him
Posts: 7
Joined: Wed Dec 21, 2016 9:49 pm

Re: Trying to Change

Postby pam4him » Tue Nov 06, 2018 10:44 pm

Sorry for the difficulties with depression. It can stop us in our tracks at the most inconvenient times. Yours may be similar to mine, and be a chemically induced depression. I required medication to get back into balance, and it was for about a year, then I was weaned off of it. Perhaps consulting medical assistance can help with your depression as well. The 12 steps can be helpful, but proceed cautiously. Consider a different therapist if you hit a low that last more than 2-3 weeks. Prayers for peace and wisdom as you work through this.

FindingHope23
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Nov 05, 2018 8:39 am

Re: Trying to Change

Postby FindingHope23 » Thu Nov 08, 2018 4:24 pm

Marksmagic wrote:https://www.12step.org/forum/index.php?/topic/34-step-4-worksheet-for-emotional-healing/

This is very enlightening.

I have quite a lot of resentment, largely towards my parents. I didn't have a bad upbringing compared to a lot of people I don't think but I feel like it didn't hold much emotional attachment and I think that is one of the root causes of my problems.

I think I repress anger quite a lot and maybe express it badly - usually by punching inanimate objects (I once punched a taxi window which luckily didn't smash some how)

I repress my feelings, seek approval, have quite a lot of fear of authority and insecurities.

Isolation is a big problem for me aswell, hiding seems to be my go to survival instinct at the moment which isn't helping and I seem to be suffering from low self-esteem more regularly than I used to.

Just wanted to share some of my self discovery.


I'm sorry you find yourself in this state, but glad you are reaching out. As I read the above that I quoted (and actually didn't read beyond so sorry if this is repeat) but if you are living back with your parents, I'd image this to cause some conflict and grief. Hopefully as you getting closer to your passion, you feel improvements with your depression. Keep sharing those feelings. Many blessings.


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