Nothing Is Changing

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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bygonebunny
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 2:26 pm

Nothing Is Changing

Postby bygonebunny » Sat Oct 27, 2018 3:33 pm

Hello. It's been a while since my person abandoned me. Not entirely, but they're keeping in touch with me out of pity which pains me even more. I was with him for about three years, which is the longest time I've ever known and spent with someone. Obviously, I fell deep in love and couldn't think of going on without him, but unfortunately my biggest fear took place and he couldn't bring himself to love me anymore. What's even worse is that he found someone else he could focus his love onto, so now insecurities I overcame in the past are resurfacing, amplifying my suicidal thoughts. He's repeatedly expressed that I'm not someone he sees a future with anymore.

This situation is affecting my life. I've dropped out of school despite my decent grades, and I don't have any wish to continue with my education or to live. A long-term goal of mine, to be a mother, has no meaning to me anymore. I want to live and be happy again, I want to grow up and to have a family with him. But I also want to give up since my hope is running short. I've had so many nightmares pertaining to this issue, and waking up from a good time that I'm having with him is the worst feeling. I haven't been by myself in what seems like forever.

Right now, I have no hobbies, no interest in starting new hobbies, and no money to get into new hobbies anyway. I spend most of my time alone, watching TV and playing video games that I force myself to do just to do something, even if it's difficult to distract myself from these awful thoughts with those tasks. Family for me is broken, and it can't be repaired, so there is no family to turn to. I can't travel; I've never been outside of my home state anyway, so moving away and starting anew isn't an option for me. I'm a timid and dependent person which holds me back from starting friendships. I over think what people say, so friendships become stressful and like a chore for me. Yet, I hate myself and being alone with myself is the worst thing right now. Everything doesn't feel right. I can barely eat my favorites foods or do anything that used to make me happy. I'm starting to question if I was ever happy in the first place.

I've tried different forums, crisis lines, and talking to new people, but nothing is changing. What little motivation I have for things is fueled by hopes that my person will love me again one day. I know it's unhealthy to want a person so much, but I can't put an end to these feelings. All I've been told is that I'm too dependent, obsessive, and more terrible words that plague my mind. I've always been unhappy with my character, and hearing it from other people confirms that my character truly is bad. So now, I'm confused, unhappy, and doubtful.

I'm sorry if these paragraphs are messy. My mind is cluttered.

Marksmagic
Posts: 4
Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2018 6:49 pm
Location: England, UK

Re: Nothing Is Changing

Postby Marksmagic » Sat Oct 27, 2018 9:39 pm

Hello

Sorry to hear that your relationship has ended up in a bad place. You shouldn't take it personal, your ex-partner has obviously stopped trying which has meant his mind has wandered elsewhere for whatever reason. I would suggest it is not something you have done that has resulted in the break up so try not to blame yourself.

I am struggling myself with depression at the moment (for a variety of reasons) and have not been in a relationship for a long time, which i am now attributing to the fear of not being cared about which seems to come from my youth (i've done some deep soul searching).

Be glad that you have love to give because this is something that I have struggled with.

I read recently that in order to get over somebody you have loved so much, you must also look back on the bad personality traits of them when remembering your time together and not just the good. A break up can be like grieving, just try not to make any big decisions while you are struggling at this moment in time.

Being unhappy with your character, something I also feel about myself, will not help. We need to start to love ourself before loving others, you must have been at peace with yourself before or whilst in your relationship so try to get back to this. Care for yourself and appreciate who you are rather than trying to perfect yourself and I'm sure you will be back on the road to happiness :)

Hope this helps.


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