The greatest story ever told

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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BenV
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:24 pm

The greatest story ever told

Postby BenV » Wed Oct 17, 2018 6:52 pm

Background: Native Texan, Male, Age 56, Married 32 years.
First Major Depression Episode: 1982 - You know you're messed up when you start writing poetry for the first time in your life.
I didn't recognize the depression for what it was. In college, away from home, trying to figure out what to do with my life. Thought it was just a funk. Managed to get through it. During the middle of it I was blessed to find the most remarkable woman, incredibly beautiful, smart, sassy, fun. Younger than me but mature for her years. Cloud nine, There is a God, I can get lucky, Miracles do happen. She asked me to never leave her. I never have. Both as it turns out share the demon called depression.
It didn't last and neither of us where able to explain why or how. We stayed friends and I stayed in love.

About a year later I met another girl. Didn't know if I would ever love her but knew that if I did it would be forever. I did fall in love with every part of my heart I could give her. One part belonged to someone else. 32 years of marriage, two wonderful daughters, extremely smart. Both went into engineering. Slight bumps along the way in the marriage but honestly pretty stable. Probably because neither of us are outgoing or adventurous. Both quiet and somewhat introverts.

Second major bout with depression: 1996 - Married, one child, another on the way. Now it was different. It wasn't just me like in college. Now it's a wife, a child and another coming. I recognize the depression for what it is. I seek help. My depression starts with anxiety, edginess, short temper, short fuse. That takes a toll quickly on a family. Therapy and meds. Wow did Prozac mess me up. Vivid nightmares. Really freaky stuff. Finally get to Effexor and then Effexor XR. Seems to do the trick for the most part. I have been on a low dose of Effexor ever since, except for the time I tried to do without it. Within three months the anxiety came back.

Oh, did I mention the poetry began again? Yep. Seems to be a theme with me. Whatever slight creative side of me that exists it surfaces as a coping mechanism when I hit rock bottom.
Some of it is fair, some of it is lousy. A little bit of it I consider actually good but that is only my opinion. One or two I have shared with others that suffer from depression and they seemed to like it or connect with it.

So 1996, internet is fairly new and there are newsgroups. I join alt.support.depression. Wow!!! Others like me. Damn, so I'm not that different. I may not be normal but I'm not alone. Then there is alt.support.depression.flame for really letting loose, alt.support.recovery, and others.
So of course it happened. I connected with someone with depression. Someone that really understood. Only fellow depressives seems to really get it, even doctors don't 'get' it. So in weakness I develop feelings. That was tough. We never met in person (thank goodness but we came close). Marriage therapy to put the pieces back together. My online friend and I stayed friends but eventually that faded. Mainly due to newsgroups changing into a place for trolls and people leaving. Stayed friends on social media for a while but even that has ended now. Glad for her as she has been able to move on. It's me that's stuck in the past.

So things were going pretty well. Well, except for the one lunch get together with that old girlfriend. Oh, I forgot to mention that? Well it was in the early 2000s. Don't ask me why but a phone call ended up with meeting for lunch. Now she had long since married. My wife and I actually went to their wedding and I shot some wedding pictures for them. We had stayed friends after all.

That lunch date was a revelation. Not only did I still have feelings, so did she. So you can imagine how messed up that made me. That's that tough part. Being an introvert I don't make friends easily. So when my depression gets bad I turn to her for support. In other words my emotions play with dynamite each time that happens.
Yet I still love my wife. It's just that she can't really relate to how I feel and what I'm going through.
Now, the old girlfriend and I have kept it completely platonic. We were never intimate when we were together. Yet at that lunch we admitted to each other that we wish we had been back then. We also joked about getting together if we outlive our spouses. Like I said, dynamite. Therapist got a strange look on her face when I told her that.

Third major episode: Present day. Yep. My depression runs in cycles. I guess I ought to be glad that I have just a few short years of hell with fairly long gaps of 'normalcy' between but it doesn't feel like it. Of course fate stepped in and there was unplanned contact between me and old girlfriend just last week. So now I'm a screwed up mess again.
And that is why I'm here. Wondering if I should try support again.

So how can someone be in love with two different people in totally different ways? Heck if I know. What is strangest of all is how old girlfriend admits there is a connection. Is it just me that's messed up or is it both of us? She at least has managed to get by without needing to lean on me, where every once in a while I have to lean on her. She isn't as much an introvert so she has friends where I have had to depend on fellow depressives for any communication and support.

So if anyone has actually read all of this drivel I wrote that is my life, congratulations you now know what a complete fool and idiot I am.

BenV
Posts: 17
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2018 8:24 pm

Re: The greatest story ever told

Postby BenV » Thu Oct 18, 2018 9:38 pm

I went through a journal after posting and I realized I was off on the timeline. That lunch with the old girlfriend was in late 96 or early 97, not around 2000.


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