First of all, I feel insane for posting here since talking about my problems has never helped me before.
Until a few years back I believed I'd been 'cured' of depression. But someday I realized it just showed in different ways. I know, my psych is making my body sick and it's the reason for many of my physical problems. And I know I have no reason to tourment myself or rather that I'm doing all this to myself...
I'm afraid of...
... using public restrooms. Someone could hear.
... Touching, kissing, talking. I've never been able to indulge in any romantic encounter (and I'm 22)
... Always being annoying, inappropriate, selfish, embarrassing, unwelcome and so on
... Missing some detail in a conversation, assignment,...
... Being too slow since I want to do it just right (I rarely suceed btw and it caused me trouble in my job before)
... Showing skin. I hate myself so much I can't even look at me directly in the mirror
... Giving compliments/greetings/saying something nice
... Not being good/talented enough
... Changes of any kind. May it be a new coworker or just a moved piece of furniture.
... Complete silence since my thoughts start running
... Making decisions. I always seem so make the worng one
I've tried taking my life 3 times as a teenager and eventhough I found my wish to live again it's only because I neither believe in God nor the afterlife or reincarnation. And yet I feel stuck here.
I have back pain, scoliosis, athrosis in both hips, dislocated my shoulder ten times but am too afraid of surgery, both knees have taken damage from different horses falls and gastritis is constantly haunting me under stress.
I can't sleep at night because I wake in terror of something that just touched me oder walked over me or made weird noises (it's not there, just my brain playing games). In order to prevent the panic attacks I wake myself every hour. Lack of concentration and sleep deprivation follow.
Here I am, knowing I could be helped, knowing how irrational I am... But i'm deeply scared of being 'cured'.
As sick as it sounds, my pains and fears are the only constant in my life. I can 'count' on them. Thinking about that only fuels my self-hatred, but I can't help it..
Is anyone out there with a similar problem? I just don't know how to overcome that. My insane working hours make seeing a counselor nearly impossible since I'm not just afraid of changes but of asking my boss for an early leave every week as well.
Okay. I'm from Germany so please excuse my errors. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.
2 posts • Page 1 of 1
Everyone of those first fears you listed like the not being good enough and the bathroom one I fully understand. I've had my list of medical issues and countless surgeries it feels like. I completely understand how you feel. I mean shoot you've barely got a year older on me. If you want to talk to someone your age just PM me any time you like. I know how busy work schedules go so even if it is one or two messages every other day still, feel free to message me I'm always open to talk.
P.S. I know a little German :p
P.S. I know a little German :p
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