I haven't done anything like this before but I don't have close friends who I can talk with about it. The friends I do have might not understand where I am coming from or might judge me.
I have a lot anxiety and can't sleep at night after my bf at the time left abroad for an internship (10 months total). We spent 3 years together and he out of the blue broke up with me but said some strange words. He said he didn't want to break up with me while we were apart in different countries, he didn't want to run the risk of ever ending it like that. So instead, he chose to do it right before he left because he felt that being apart would be too difficult and "that he wasn't sure about marrying me."
I have a lot of anxiety about this because 1) marriage never came up like that. He and I talked about the future as far as a couple months and talked about aspirations but I never once said hey we should get married soon or anything like that. 2) Before he left, he left me notes around my house saying "I'm going to miss you a lot." and "Hey cutie, it's me". I guess he thought that would be cute but it honestly makes me feel like crap looking at it because I miss him so much.
He said he never wants to confuse my emotions or lead me on so he made it clear today that we can't talk like before, such as more intimately about our days or messaging back and forth other than a few times.
I do want to get back with him and it seems like there could be chance of reconciliation in the future (when he gets back). But part of me struggles with being happy about this situation. Part of me is upset for him telling me how much he loves me before he left and leaving me notes and stuff. And another part of me just wants me to forget about it and not neccessarily date (I'm ok with being on my own), but I want to be able to at least stop worrying about it in my head. I'm confident that I'm going to be ok no matter what and that while I still do love him, I need to continue my life. But how can I do that? I don't want to talk to my friends about it because I don't want to break down crying in front of them (I don't feel comfortable doing that in front of people). But I need to let this out somehow. Anyways, I would love to hear what others in similar situations do to feel better about themselves. Do you take up certain hobbies? Go the gym a lot? Or how do you let your anxieties out so they don't eat you up inside? I did forget to mention that I have suffered from anxiety and depression for years, but lately it has been harder to manage. I am going to therapy, but it does help to hear from others who went through similar things.
Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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I know from my own experience giving advice is hard, because everyone is different and what works for me might not work for you or the other way around. Talking about it with someone you trust can help. This can be someone you know very well and trust a lot or even a total stranger you have a "good" feeling with. The internet helps like that because it is anonymous. If you want I can talk with you. I know all about depressions all to well, so at least I understand the feeling. So my single advice is just talk about it with someone.
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