somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Bedfeezie
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:24 am

somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

Postby Bedfeezie » Fri Sep 07, 2018 1:22 pm

I had a great childhood. Had amazing parents who loved and spoiled me as much as they could. In 2009 my dad became terminally ill with Diabetes and Lung Cancer. This was also the same year I started high school. To keep this summarized my dad was my absolute best friend, role model, and my world. He was a great man and did right by me. His dream was to detail high end autmobiles. He owned his own private business which i was apart of as his right hand man and employee. However he gradually grew more ill and by 2012 when i graduated high school, we ended up not being able to take care of the business, and my family and i were evicted by sheriffs for failure to make rent. Having no other options i began moving from home to home with multiple different people and worked several jobs none of which i was able to stay working for no longer than a few months. Family issues started taking place with my mom blaming my dad for our situations because he became ill. My dad continued to grow sicker moving from facilities where nurses could take care of him as he was having many problems and having difficulty taking care of himself. I'd like to consider myself a smart individual who had limitless possibilities once i graduated but i was very distracted by all that was going on i haven't had time to consider my future when all i cared about was my dad. 2017 is the year my life truly changed. I had a baby boy with a beautiful girl. One day i receive a call my dad isn't doing well. I began drinking and drove about 30 minutes to reach the hospital my dad was located at but i was unable to see him because out of stupidity I ran multiple red lights and got involved in a dui. First time i ever got into trouble with the law. It was reckless and shameful. I was released after two weeks in jail. That same day i was released i get a call from my mother screaming saying he was gone. There were suspicions and claims my dad only had limited time. He died on his birthday. He was 42. I arrived at the hospital to see him laying there. I couldn't speak. Everyone else was screaming but i couldn't make sense of this... My dad and i spoke everyday. We had many plans and ideas for the future. We always talked about him getting better. He passed very unexpectedly. And according to the doctors they had no explanation for his death only that he had many complications and was very depressed. He had been on IVs and needed oxygen to support him and according to the doc my dad may have removed his supports in an attempt to end his life. It's an unsolved mystery. It was here i moved in with my mom and sis for support. My baby mama chose to stay close to her family and now that i had no license I wasn't able to see my son for several months. I began my isolation and had little to no contact with anyone. As part of a condition for my dui i was appointed 115 days of community service and the location they chose for me ironically was the local cemetery. I failed to pay anything regarding my court stuff because i had financial issues. Ended up failing to keep up with my programs thus now i have a warrant and now more than ever struggle to get a job. My mom and sis grew frustrated with me. I hated feeling a burden. I was always the one to offer help to anyone if i could. Never have i been one to need help. Tensions grew and the anger and emotions built inside from never talking about what was going on with me led to my mom and sis kicking me out. I ended up at my last resort, a good friend of mine, probably my only friend, he took me in. But here's the problem with that, he was a drug dealer. This wasn't a healthy environment for someone like me and i knew this but what else could i do at the time except but be grateful i wasn't homeless still after all these years of constant change. I didn't realize it then but i was a huge marijuana smoker in high school and while most of my friends were getting high to have fun i was getting high to numb or hide my feelings. So now that i lived at this drug dealers home, i began using crystal meth furthering my depression along. My baby mama would always accuse me of being pathetic and broke up with me and admittedly messed around with another dude due to her paranoia that i was up to no good with other woman. She couldn't accept that i really loved her and in my current condition couldn't and wouldnt even begin to attempt at talking to another woman. I was constantly alone most days at this drug dealing house. I began not wanting to eat due to the fact i didn't wanna feel like burden to anyone. Began not taking care of my hygiene as much. Began missing nights of sleep. Feeling lonely. I felt hopeless not being able to help my dad more or save him, I felt hopeless when my family and i lost our home and all possessions. I feel hopeless now...its been over a year now since he's been gone and i have been basically stuck.. And the fact that i have a baby boy who i can't even take care of at the moment because i barely manage taking care of myself anymore. I can't afford my own meal let alone provide diapers for my son. My baby mama even after the pain she put me through i reluctantly forgave her and we are back in a relationship but i feel vulnerable and hesitate to love her and show my affection. Even my friend whom i lived with, the drug dealer, began to grow frustrated with me to the point asked me to not talk because everyday i would keep talking of the same crap.. How I felt, i would talk about things i had to take care of and how easy it sounds to make things better and yet i never made progress and i couldn't figure out why until now.... I am suffering from depression and it has been eating away at what's left of my broken soul. I have incredible difficulty remembering even the most simple things lately. I don't know the time, or day, i don't think about tomorrow. The world has been continuing to revolve and life has been passing me by. Anytime ive tried crying out for help ive only gotten responses like, "you'll get over it". This is beyond the truth. I never will be the same again.. But I've always been grateful for my journey through life so far.. I wouldn't wanna change a thing about it nor have i ever wanted to be anyone else but myself. I've been a good son and person i can say with confidence. I never had a belief or faith i religion. Idk if everything happens for a reason. I've contemplated that my suffering is even intentional as though my higher self wanted me to experience all of this as a test to see how far I'm willing to fight for a better life... I am now technically homeless, and with my trouble with law jail is looking like my only option and that in itself isnt something i look forward to nor do i think it will benefit my current condition.. Growing up i was always praised by my friends and family and they had the utmost expectations for me. Just the other day my mom called me a disappointment and it hurt. I get told all the time, "do you think your dad would like seeing you this way"? Of course i don't! But I'm only 24 and idk how anyone else would cope if they were in my shoes but as for me...im on the verge of losing my mind i feel like..or what's left of it. I used to have so much pride in myself and had so much passion. All i have left of my dad is a piano we would play together, when his hands still could function that is. i inherited it when i witnessed my grandma pass in 2005. A beautiful instrument. It brings me shame now because when my grandma and dad were still alive i didn't take interest in music. Now they are both gone, i literally taught myself how to play without reading notes and can seriously play anything i want now just by hearing it. Again i was praised for having a natural gift. I make-up so much music but with my crap memory forget often what i play. I am tired. I wanted to go to college, get a good job, and raise my family but haven't gotten the chance to start my future... I've always known what I'm capable o and yet i couldn't figure out still why i wasn't doing anything.. Considering i just lost my dad and now i am dad myself, you would think that would be enough to push me to fight but now i am aware that i am need of help.. Idk what could help me but if there's a way to improve things for myself i am willing to try anything because Idk how long i can keep this up for before something worse happens i don't have any type of health insurance or assistance. In elementary my teachers asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up, and my response was "I just wanna be happy" I love life. I'm no judge. I appreciate everything. And i know, just like everyone else. We deserve to be happy. I just can't escape this sorrow and my thoughts anymore.. If you took the time to read this, thank you. My name is Anthony. I'm a real person, and this is my story.. Everyone has a story filled with ups and downs and for anyone else who finds themselves overwhelmed at times just remember you're not alone and somewhere there just might be someone who has it worse... You never know what anyone could be going through.. Any advice anyone can offer me at this point is appreciated.. I'm hurt bad and often can be sensitive about the simplest things.. But i just need a little help is all to put me back on track to getting my life together because i know i was born to do great things and if i can, ill help anyone i can on my journey through this thing we call life.
    Last edited by Bedfeezie on Sat Sep 08, 2018 12:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

    Bedfeezie
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:24 am

    Re: i love life but....

    Postby Bedfeezie » Fri Sep 07, 2018 2:27 pm

    Things are different now but i also thought this would be worth mentioning but before i had a son, a beautiful girl, and before i even lost my dad, around the year 2012 shortly after my family and i had lost everything and were forced to move and be separated, i had borrowed my dads car so i could drive to school. It was about a 15 mile drive. Idk what i was thinking at the time and not sure if this counts as a suicide attempt but i was going about 100 mph at least and for whatever reason closed my eyes for what felt like the longest minute of my life. I shortly opened my eyes to find myself still driving. I never mentioned this to anyone. Nor did i ever think about doing something so careless again. But i hope this helps you, the reader, understand a little bit of what i been dealing with for several years. I never knew i was depressed.

    Golda Dilema
    Posts: 29
    Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2018 12:51 am

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby Golda Dilema » Fri Sep 07, 2018 10:08 pm

    Hi! It is hard to be in your situation. You are still young and you need the support of your family. Maybe writing a letter to your mom and sister will do you good. It will also do you good if you get helo from a counselor. Having a baby is great and needs responsibility. You need to rest and relax so you can take care of your son. An aromatherapy may help you be refreshed. Renew your mind. Forget the past and start today with a positive mind because your situation is not permanent. Things will get better for you and your son and your family. Take one problem at a time. Take one day at a time. It is good that you have a helping heart. Continue to help as helping others can make you happy too. What are the activities.that make you happy? Do them so long as they won't do you any harm. Activities like listening to good music, watching good or funny films, doing hobbies, and the like will make you glad.

    Dream once again. Believe and hope once again. You are born to overcome and be victorious. You will be happy once again. So, pursue happiness.

    Bedfeezie
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:24 am

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby Bedfeezie » Sat Sep 08, 2018 7:16 am

    I appreciate the encouragement and kind words but this is what im really trying to say.... I don't have a social life at all anymore. No friends i talk to or spend time with. No family that cares. I have no interests in anything at all. I haven't left the house in weeks cant remember the last time i been outside or even got sunlight I'm very pale. I can't enjoy watching movies or playing video games or listening to music. And if anyone asks me to go out i dread it and choose to isolate myself. I feel embarrassed of myself. I am afraid to go out in fear that if i get stopped by a cop ill be sent straight to jail because of my trouble with the law. Judge said that i was on my last straw and that i could be looking at a year in jail and i cannot afford a year of my life apart from my baby boy now more than ever. Without my son i have nothing to live for. I haven't had a dream in so long i don't even know what its like to dream. People can be talking to me face to face and too often now i have to ask them to repeat what they just said because my mind is just wandering or like I'm daydreaming I can't focus on anything and nothing will motivate me. I hate waking up sometimes.. I feel like I'm no longer alive. I just merely exists. I've been in solitude and alone for so long I've gotten used to it and don't even know how to be social anymore. I feel like its pointless talking about any of this because I don't think ill ever be able to get the help i think i need... I took the time to explain my story because I've really noticed my decline in my self worth and overall enjoyment of life. I'm hiding from the world it feels like. I feel stuck. No amount of positive words can help me. I'm sick and tired or hoping. It's been years that I've been hoping for better days. My past can't ever be forgotten. I can't move on. Sometimes i feel like i just don't care at all anymore about myself. I can't help others anymore because i can't even help myself. I gave up trying to be happy. I can't laugh at jokes. If i smile its only a fake and pathetic attempt at a smile. Again your words are appreciated. I just can't pursue happiness because happiness has left me so far behind Idk which where to look anymore. I only bothered registering on this depression forum because i feel like my condition is worsening or getting more serious... I can never relax. All i do is think of my situation and what brought me to this point and it's a terrible never ending cycle I can't escape. Please what can i seriously do to help myself?!

    past
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:28 pm

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby past » Sat Sep 08, 2018 3:12 pm

    Idk dude, face the music. Whats the worst that could happen. Ive never been in trouble with the law but have spent about 7 years in isolation and have noone left who cares about me, and dont really see the point in doing anything anymore. You have a kid, if that means something to you your choices look pretty limited. Either keep goin this way which could be terminal, and maybee thats something you want. But from what you described, you seem like a good dude. This expierience can help in the future. It aint gonna be easy, but if you really think your screwed then cowboy up and turn yourself in, cant be any worse, what have you got to lose. If you go through the motions, do time if you have to, and up on the other side with some whatever job at least you be back on your feet. Your kid isnt gonna remember any of this, but you put this sh*t behind you and you have a chance to make sure thier life is incredible. Dealing with you dad might hurt forever, but put yourself in a better position and it should be easier to deal with. I used to be very outgoing as well, but noone is going out of their way to help me, your situation sounds similar. Youve got a kid though, good a reason as any to have a go at sorting yourself out. Put the effort in and in the future you could be their favorite person.

    Bedfeezie
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:24 am

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby Bedfeezie » Sat Sep 08, 2018 3:26 pm

    Thank you. Basically i don't know anyone or haven't talked to people who have similar experiences or feel the way i do. It's comforting in itself to talk about this even if with complete strangers because i believe the community on this forum can relate. I really do appreciate your time even if I'm stubborn in my emotions. Like i said, my dad and i would talk everyday. Since he's been gone i stopped opening up and talking. I'm not used to this and was never ready to lose him. My son is everything to me. I just wish i could get past all my crap already so i could be the dad he deserves.. May i ask something? You took the time to hear me out and my story so far, what's your story? I understand if isn't something youd like to share. But i know I'm not alone in this world with troubles or issues. Everyone goes through it. But hearing others story first hand reminds me of that perspective i suppose..

    past
    Posts: 4
    Joined: Sat Sep 08, 2018 2:28 pm

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby past » Sat Sep 08, 2018 4:26 pm

    No i dont really care, former glory type situation. I fell, hard. No addictions, or serious money trouble. Had the best friends a guy could ask for, someone who cared about me. Fell off the face of the earth, have had nothing but time overanalyze evey detail of my existance, ruining my personality. Dealing with an angle on life that is nothing shy of unnatural, in my opinion there is no worse feeling on this earth then trying to make people care about you, especially when thay was never an issue. Im glad perspective helps you, it has no effect on me, i have had kept a constant perspective of life since i was a teenager. The point is, its rough that this is the solution, that people are in this situation where there is no one in their life to talk to like this in person. But if it helps, sure what the hell, ill throw my 2cents in. Like you, forcing myself to feel happy is the most exhausting thing ever, forcing emotions, my jaw will be tired at the end of a conversation from forcing smiles. When you know what real happiness is, and you have felt it, i dont think theres anything wrong with feeling entitled to it. Living in the past hurts, but its real, and its better than fake happiness in my opinion. Just feel how you feel. Emotions or tough, looks like it steered you off the wagon with community service and all. But like i said, youve got a kid, who you love, and im not just blowing posative smoke but what you wrote and your self awarness show your smart enough to do something about it if you want to. I think staying grounded is more important than staying posative. I used to try and stay posative, but you always fall, and that feels properly sh*tty. It might hurt forever, but at least you wont be running from it. If you love that kid, just say f*ck it, make your life about making theres. You sound smart anough to pull it off, as long as you always keep perspective, and a grasp of you situation and the consiquences of your actions.

    MaxwellEpire
    Posts: 1
    Joined: Wed Sep 26, 2018 5:15 am
    Location: Canada
    Contact:

    somebody please give me just a minute of your time

    Postby MaxwellEpire » Sat Sep 29, 2018 1:14 pm

    Yes, jasper always greets us with a toy, and makes funny noises we call him Scooby Doo, and he does n,t just wag his tail his whole bottom goes from side to side.

    RustyTavern
    Posts: 20
    Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

    Re: somebody please, give me just a minute of your time...

    Postby RustyTavern » Sat Sep 29, 2018 7:27 pm

    You asked for one minute but you must have known that at least 4 were required?
    Only your time matters.

    You write poorly: paragraphs? Planning & order?

    You are about yourself alone I didn't read after checking the length after suspecting the con


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