Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside
Posted: Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:44 pm
Let me start off by apologizing in advance for 'boohooing' about a life that most people would give their left arm for. I know that with all the gifts and opportunities I have been given that I am the last person on Earth who should be moaning and complaining. But here I am all the same.
I'm 38. Married for 10 years, been with my wife for 13. I've always been faithful, caring, compassionate, and do my absolute best to be understanding. But I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. Let me provide some background.
I have dealt with depression (unknowingly until I was 22) since I was about 16, so well over 20 years now. I have been on medications, seen therapists, and feel like I am finally in a place where my medications have been tweaked to just the right levels that I can think clearly now without always thinking the absolute worst is the only possible outcome.
As the result of a bad batch of immunization drugs, I had a stroke when I was 2 months old, was paralyzed on the entire left side of my body and face for a year and a half. I eventually outgrew the paralysis with no real side effects and certainly no physical effects that you'd be able to see.
I grew up overseas. The oldest child of an American diplomatic nuclear family. I'm very close to my mom and dad (still married 40 years), a younger brother and a younger sister. We really have no secrets in our family and no ghosts. Again, something to be envied by many. I graduated high school able to speak 4 languages fluently, with a near-genius IQ (or so I was told). I blew off most of high school and simply didn't take it seriously. I achieved marks graduating that were far below my potential.
I applied to and was accepted by a Junior College here in Kansas. Again, I blew my chances there by simply not bothering to go to class, preferring to get a minimum-wage job instead. Several of them in fact. None lasted long. I dropped out of college without achieving anything realistic at all.
At the age of 20 I made the biggest mistake of my life and got a girl pregnant. We never married, thank God. I have been a solid part of my daughter's life for her entire life. Her mom is a colossal waste of oxygen and can't stand the sight of me. I'm fine with that. I harbor no real ill feelings towards her other than pity. Because I got this woman pregnant, I have been making up for my mistake for 17 years now.
At the age of 23 I developed testicular cancer. It spread to the lymph nodes behind my kidneys and metastasized to a Stage 2 cancer. I had chemotherapy for almost 3 months, and due to some serious complications died a few times clinically. I also had emergency open-heart surgery in the middle of this chemotherapy. Obviously, I survived. I have been in remission for almost 16 years now. Again, something every cancer patient would be envious of.
I met my wife at the age of 24. She was 22 and in between years of undergrad and law school. We started dating with the understanding that it was just going to be a brief thing. She was a virgin, I was obviously not. She went to law school, but we did the long-distance thing. While she was doing that I went to a tech school and got a wide array of computer certifications. Again, something people would be envious of.
When she graduated law school in 2008, we married. During our dating life, we had a regularly active sexual life. No complaints from either party. When we got engaged, she told me she wanted to stop having sex until marriage because she was absolutely petrified of getting pregnant. We stopped having sex for almost a year and a half. There were lots of other non-intercourse activities, so not really any major complaints. But this should have been a huge red flag.
After being married for a little over 2 years, she came out one day and told me that she doesn't enjoy sex, and what's more, she never had. It hurts her. She had preeclampsia, which is a physical condition that makes intercourse painful. She had a LEAP procedure to remove the effected tissue around her uterus. But still has absolutely no libido, no sex drive, no urge or anything. To my knowledge she doesn't even masturbate.
This was almost 7 and a half years ago that she told me she doesn't like and doesn't want/need sex. This entire time I have been faithful. Granted I masturbate 3-8 times a week on average, but I've never cheated.
My wife doesn't hug. Doesn't kiss (anything more than a quick peck on the cheek like she's my grandmother). Doesn't cuddle. Doesn't get sappy or emotional (unless it's anger). I have stayed by her side through all of this. I have been the ideal husband (in my own opinion). I haven't raged at her for not telling me about not liking sex. I haven't been nagging her about sex. In short, I have tried to act like I'm OK with the way things are between us. We're roommates with no chance of that changing in the future that I can see.
Should I divorce her? I love her, but I'm not 'IN LOVE' with her. She's a great woman. Highly educated, kind, generous, an over-achiever in her professional job. But she might as well be a mannequin when it comes to us. She refuses to discuss the situation with me and gets angry if I bring it up, so I just don't.
I'm so depressed with the way I've let my life become like this that the weight of it is crushing me. I have to wear a mask around her or I get pestered with questions about why I'm cranky. I can't tell her it's because I feel like my life sucks.
I have a fantastic house. A great car. An adorable dog. A wonderful daughter, and a great professional life in a job that I don't love, but I like well enough. But I'm not happy. I'm missing such a huge vital part of my personal life that doesn't look like it can ever or will ever be fixed. She simply refuses to go to counselling, and doesn't want to talk to me about anything to do with it.
Am I a prick to think that divorce is my only option? I simply can't see myself happy with this woman for the rest of my life. The though of having to fake it for another 7 years is killing me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this saga. I know I'm wordy. My apologies, but wholehearted thanks for taking the time to read all of this.
I'm 38. Married for 10 years, been with my wife for 13. I've always been faithful, caring, compassionate, and do my absolute best to be understanding. But I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. Let me provide some background.
I have dealt with depression (unknowingly until I was 22) since I was about 16, so well over 20 years now. I have been on medications, seen therapists, and feel like I am finally in a place where my medications have been tweaked to just the right levels that I can think clearly now without always thinking the absolute worst is the only possible outcome.
As the result of a bad batch of immunization drugs, I had a stroke when I was 2 months old, was paralyzed on the entire left side of my body and face for a year and a half. I eventually outgrew the paralysis with no real side effects and certainly no physical effects that you'd be able to see.
I grew up overseas. The oldest child of an American diplomatic nuclear family. I'm very close to my mom and dad (still married 40 years), a younger brother and a younger sister. We really have no secrets in our family and no ghosts. Again, something to be envied by many. I graduated high school able to speak 4 languages fluently, with a near-genius IQ (or so I was told). I blew off most of high school and simply didn't take it seriously. I achieved marks graduating that were far below my potential.
I applied to and was accepted by a Junior College here in Kansas. Again, I blew my chances there by simply not bothering to go to class, preferring to get a minimum-wage job instead. Several of them in fact. None lasted long. I dropped out of college without achieving anything realistic at all.
At the age of 20 I made the biggest mistake of my life and got a girl pregnant. We never married, thank God. I have been a solid part of my daughter's life for her entire life. Her mom is a colossal waste of oxygen and can't stand the sight of me. I'm fine with that. I harbor no real ill feelings towards her other than pity. Because I got this woman pregnant, I have been making up for my mistake for 17 years now.
At the age of 23 I developed testicular cancer. It spread to the lymph nodes behind my kidneys and metastasized to a Stage 2 cancer. I had chemotherapy for almost 3 months, and due to some serious complications died a few times clinically. I also had emergency open-heart surgery in the middle of this chemotherapy. Obviously, I survived. I have been in remission for almost 16 years now. Again, something every cancer patient would be envious of.
I met my wife at the age of 24. She was 22 and in between years of undergrad and law school. We started dating with the understanding that it was just going to be a brief thing. She was a virgin, I was obviously not. She went to law school, but we did the long-distance thing. While she was doing that I went to a tech school and got a wide array of computer certifications. Again, something people would be envious of.
When she graduated law school in 2008, we married. During our dating life, we had a regularly active sexual life. No complaints from either party. When we got engaged, she told me she wanted to stop having sex until marriage because she was absolutely petrified of getting pregnant. We stopped having sex for almost a year and a half. There were lots of other non-intercourse activities, so not really any major complaints. But this should have been a huge red flag.
After being married for a little over 2 years, she came out one day and told me that she doesn't enjoy sex, and what's more, she never had. It hurts her. She had preeclampsia, which is a physical condition that makes intercourse painful. She had a LEAP procedure to remove the effected tissue around her uterus. But still has absolutely no libido, no sex drive, no urge or anything. To my knowledge she doesn't even masturbate.
This was almost 7 and a half years ago that she told me she doesn't like and doesn't want/need sex. This entire time I have been faithful. Granted I masturbate 3-8 times a week on average, but I've never cheated.
My wife doesn't hug. Doesn't kiss (anything more than a quick peck on the cheek like she's my grandmother). Doesn't cuddle. Doesn't get sappy or emotional (unless it's anger). I have stayed by her side through all of this. I have been the ideal husband (in my own opinion). I haven't raged at her for not telling me about not liking sex. I haven't been nagging her about sex. In short, I have tried to act like I'm OK with the way things are between us. We're roommates with no chance of that changing in the future that I can see.
Should I divorce her? I love her, but I'm not 'IN LOVE' with her. She's a great woman. Highly educated, kind, generous, an over-achiever in her professional job. But she might as well be a mannequin when it comes to us. She refuses to discuss the situation with me and gets angry if I bring it up, so I just don't.
I'm so depressed with the way I've let my life become like this that the weight of it is crushing me. I have to wear a mask around her or I get pestered with questions about why I'm cranky. I can't tell her it's because I feel like my life sucks.
I have a fantastic house. A great car. An adorable dog. A wonderful daughter, and a great professional life in a job that I don't love, but I like well enough. But I'm not happy. I'm missing such a huge vital part of my personal life that doesn't look like it can ever or will ever be fixed. She simply refuses to go to counselling, and doesn't want to talk to me about anything to do with it.
Am I a prick to think that divorce is my only option? I simply can't see myself happy with this woman for the rest of my life. The though of having to fake it for another 7 years is killing me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this saga. I know I'm wordy. My apologies, but wholehearted thanks for taking the time to read all of this.