Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Location: Wichita, KS

Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside

Postby MidwestMax » Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:44 pm

Let me start off by apologizing in advance for 'boohooing' about a life that most people would give their left arm for. I know that with all the gifts and opportunities I have been given that I am the last person on Earth who should be moaning and complaining. But here I am all the same.
I'm 38. Married for 10 years, been with my wife for 13. I've always been faithful, caring, compassionate, and do my absolute best to be understanding. But I feel like I have reached the end of my rope. Let me provide some background.
I have dealt with depression (unknowingly until I was 22) since I was about 16, so well over 20 years now. I have been on medications, seen therapists, and feel like I am finally in a place where my medications have been tweaked to just the right levels that I can think clearly now without always thinking the absolute worst is the only possible outcome.
As the result of a bad batch of immunization drugs, I had a stroke when I was 2 months old, was paralyzed on the entire left side of my body and face for a year and a half. I eventually outgrew the paralysis with no real side effects and certainly no physical effects that you'd be able to see.
I grew up overseas. The oldest child of an American diplomatic nuclear family. I'm very close to my mom and dad (still married 40 years), a younger brother and a younger sister. We really have no secrets in our family and no ghosts. Again, something to be envied by many. I graduated high school able to speak 4 languages fluently, with a near-genius IQ (or so I was told). I blew off most of high school and simply didn't take it seriously. I achieved marks graduating that were far below my potential.
I applied to and was accepted by a Junior College here in Kansas. Again, I blew my chances there by simply not bothering to go to class, preferring to get a minimum-wage job instead. Several of them in fact. None lasted long. I dropped out of college without achieving anything realistic at all.
At the age of 20 I made the biggest mistake of my life and got a girl pregnant. We never married, thank God. I have been a solid part of my daughter's life for her entire life. Her mom is a colossal waste of oxygen and can't stand the sight of me. I'm fine with that. I harbor no real ill feelings towards her other than pity. Because I got this woman pregnant, I have been making up for my mistake for 17 years now.
At the age of 23 I developed testicular cancer. It spread to the lymph nodes behind my kidneys and metastasized to a Stage 2 cancer. I had chemotherapy for almost 3 months, and due to some serious complications died a few times clinically. I also had emergency open-heart surgery in the middle of this chemotherapy. Obviously, I survived. I have been in remission for almost 16 years now. Again, something every cancer patient would be envious of.
I met my wife at the age of 24. She was 22 and in between years of undergrad and law school. We started dating with the understanding that it was just going to be a brief thing. She was a virgin, I was obviously not. She went to law school, but we did the long-distance thing. While she was doing that I went to a tech school and got a wide array of computer certifications. Again, something people would be envious of.
When she graduated law school in 2008, we married. During our dating life, we had a regularly active sexual life. No complaints from either party. When we got engaged, she told me she wanted to stop having sex until marriage because she was absolutely petrified of getting pregnant. We stopped having sex for almost a year and a half. There were lots of other non-intercourse activities, so not really any major complaints. But this should have been a huge red flag.
After being married for a little over 2 years, she came out one day and told me that she doesn't enjoy sex, and what's more, she never had. It hurts her. She had preeclampsia, which is a physical condition that makes intercourse painful. She had a LEAP procedure to remove the effected tissue around her uterus. But still has absolutely no libido, no sex drive, no urge or anything. To my knowledge she doesn't even masturbate.
This was almost 7 and a half years ago that she told me she doesn't like and doesn't want/need sex. This entire time I have been faithful. Granted I masturbate 3-8 times a week on average, but I've never cheated.
My wife doesn't hug. Doesn't kiss (anything more than a quick peck on the cheek like she's my grandmother). Doesn't cuddle. Doesn't get sappy or emotional (unless it's anger). I have stayed by her side through all of this. I have been the ideal husband (in my own opinion). I haven't raged at her for not telling me about not liking sex. I haven't been nagging her about sex. In short, I have tried to act like I'm OK with the way things are between us. We're roommates with no chance of that changing in the future that I can see.
Should I divorce her? I love her, but I'm not 'IN LOVE' with her. She's a great woman. Highly educated, kind, generous, an over-achiever in her professional job. But she might as well be a mannequin when it comes to us. She refuses to discuss the situation with me and gets angry if I bring it up, so I just don't.
I'm so depressed with the way I've let my life become like this that the weight of it is crushing me. I have to wear a mask around her or I get pestered with questions about why I'm cranky. I can't tell her it's because I feel like my life sucks.
I have a fantastic house. A great car. An adorable dog. A wonderful daughter, and a great professional life in a job that I don't love, but I like well enough. But I'm not happy. I'm missing such a huge vital part of my personal life that doesn't look like it can ever or will ever be fixed. She simply refuses to go to counselling, and doesn't want to talk to me about anything to do with it.
Am I a prick to think that divorce is my only option? I simply can't see myself happy with this woman for the rest of my life. The though of having to fake it for another 7 years is killing me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this saga. I know I'm wordy. My apologies, but wholehearted thanks for taking the time to read all of this.

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Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2018 2:52 pm
Location: Europe

Re: Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside

Postby Inn » Mon Aug 06, 2018 2:19 am

Hi Max,
thank you for sharing your story, you really went through some serious s**t in your life, and managed to overcome all. I never had any serious medical conditions, just annoying ones, so I can't really imagine dealing with it.
And you think many people would envy you. I don't think so, I know I don't. I think most people would whine and moan how poorly life was/is treating them.
But I understand the feeling of being ungrateful and guilt that goes with it. Maybe that's not you, but to this I can relate.
I've never done anything significant in my life, and most definitely nothing up to my potential, no achievements, but I'm a master of getting by. I had a pretty good life and I should be grateful for many things, but I couldn't care less.

I'm sorry for rambling, you asked a question. My opinion, my very short answer is, yes divorce is the only option, if you want to ever be happy. Or you can always get yourself a mistress. I'm sorry for that, I can't help being sarcastic sometimes. :roll:
It's not even so much about sexless life, although I think sex is very important, but the fact your wife doesn't even hug, kiss or cuddle. So there's no touching and no emotions, you're roommates pretending everything's fine.

What's in this marriage for you anyway. I do believe in compromise and sacrifice, nobody's perfect, and forgive me there's no such thing as ideal husband either, but she doesn't want to talk about it at all, she doesn't want counselling, what I think it's very selfish.
She hasn't been honest with you from the start. You say you had active sexual life when you dated, then she's suddenly afraid to get pregnant, like contraception doesn't exist, and then after two years of marriage she tells you she never enjoyed sex. She was pretending at that time, then she decided she wasn't willing to do it any more, and she simply expects you to be ok with it.

But it doesn't really matter who's fault it is, only the situation you're in matters.
Wearing a mask all the time is exhausting. I think first you should tell her loud and clear, not only that you're not happy, but that the whole situation is killing you. I don't know if sex is the only problem, I mean would it change anything since you said you're not in love with her.
And of course you're not a prick for wanting your share of happiness, it's the most normal thing we all want.

I know I didn't tell you anything you don't already know. I don't have a magic solution but if talking about it helps, you have my ears. :wink:
I also know it's not that simple, divorce isn't easy for anyone, no break up is.
I'm stuck in a relationship too and I should be telling exactly the same things to myself.

Posts: 6
Joined: Thu Aug 02, 2018 9:14 pm
Location: Wichita, KS

Re: Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside

Postby MidwestMax » Mon Aug 06, 2018 10:08 am

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my (lengthy) post and your carefully crafted response. I was actually starting to wonder if I was going to get any response at all.

Thank you for absolutely everything you said. It feels like a massive and complete validation of my thoughts and feelings and that I'm not just whining about something that any other reasonable person would find to be completely tolerable and acceptable.

What's your story? Why are you stuck in a situation from which you can't escape? The irony of these forums is that there are so many of us looking for help because we don't feel like we have enough direction. But at the same time, so many of us are also good at giving advice/input/listening to others. You have my ears also if you want to talk.

Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2018 2:52 pm
Location: Europe

Re: Idyllic Life On The Outside, Dying Inside

Postby Inn » Mon Aug 06, 2018 11:40 pm

You're very welcome Max. Don't be disapointed about low response, I think people don't feel comfortable and avoid answering direct questions like 'should I divorce', unless you're seriously abused or something. I guess they don't want to take any kind of responsibility for possible influence.

I'm not afraid to tell my opinion, in fact I do have big mouth, which I should often keep shut, and I also lack a few filters between my brain and my tongue (fingers in tis case).
Believe me, my response was anything but carefully crafted, I'm not capable of it with my emotions all over the place, but you made me smile. :)

You're right, I also think we all look for validation of what we already know, because what we know and what we feel isn't always the same (with me hardly ever).
Giving advice is pretty easy, we all see solutions in theory even for ourselves, but in practice is so hard to move.
It helps to know at least that someone else understands how we feel.

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