I feel like I'm drowning

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 4:48 pm

I feel like I'm drowning

Postby Kenji18 » Fri Jul 13, 2018 5:01 pm

So I've had this "depression" and "anxiety" for about two years now, see previous to this I felt on top of the world, I was in the military and found the most beautiful girl in the world and married her. She was also active duty, we bought a house in Japan and spent what felt like the best two and a half years of my life. We bought a cat (which god did I hate cats before this one) but I loved this cat. I quit majority of my hobbies as I just wanted to do anything to make her smile. I gave her what felt like my soul... when I got orders back to America we planned on moving to Texas once we where both done with the military... Around Christmas time (2 years ago) she randomly messages me saying its just not working out. I come to find out she was 6 months pregnant which means she got pregnant 2 months after I left Japan. It crushed me, to this day I still have dreams that I am in Japan... waking up next to her. Just to actually wake up.... I don't want to even live those days. Those dreams are actually destroying me, but I can't talk to anyone in real life. I've had it drilled so far into my head that men in the house don't have feelings... that we just push everything down inside of us. Well, I've tried... for two whole years. I've tried to date other people and to be honest with you I can't even love myself at this point in my life, so it's always been way to unfair to those I've tried to date. I tried to talk to a therapist before I left the military about this, but I just sit there and look at them. I want to tell someone about my problems I want help... but something in my brain just wont let me say anything.

I feel like I'm drowning, like I'm no longer a person, but rather just this thing that mindlessly does tasks every day. I don't want to be alive, but I am way to stubborn to actually take my life so here I sit just a mindlessly soul-less person. I am begging for help on the inside, but trust me no one would ever know on the outside....

I don't think anyone can help, but this is my shot in the dark....

Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 13, 2018 7:15 pm

Re: I feel like I'm drowning

Postby RustyTavern » Sat Jul 14, 2018 8:44 am

This is normal. Life is a struggle by design otherwise it wouldn't be beautiful.
1. Re-engage with your hobbies that you shelved when you met this girl.
2. Understand that species survival instincts are typically unfathomable in that they can't be broken ;-)
3. Make yourself strong: walk then gym/exercise
4. Think about yourself & your 'medichlorines'. This is a riddle but try to understand the nature of 'medichlorines'.

I'm not wishing you good luck- make your own.

Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Aug 23, 2018 4:39 pm

Re: I feel like I'm drowning

Postby jessicared » Thu Aug 23, 2018 5:29 pm

It took me 6 years once to get over somebody who didn't workout. around this time Instagram was becoming popular so I was able to watch their life unfold. them meet somebody and have children with that person and get married and live happily ever after while I suffered in silence watching my worst nightmare unfold. it was terrible.
I didn't know how I was going to survive that. I didn't think it was possible because I thought that person was my soulmate I truly believed I had met the one it completely shattered my world.
It felt like I couldn't breathe, I would wake up in the night gasping for air after having a nightmare and then I would begin to cry.
I was like a walking dead person.

I can understand the type of pain you're feeling. What you went through was extremely traumatic you were abandoned, deceived, rejected.

those kind of experiences leave people with post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms. It's like a physical wound but it's not it's an emotional one it's inside those hurt more. I remember when I was living in that state how I would say to myself that having a broken limb would be preferable to having a broken heart.

you mentioned that you can't talk to anybody about this but you are you're on this forum. You are talking about it.

Your journey is your own. You will find your way and find your happiness again if you keep living and keep breathing and keep hanging on.

Eventually I did get over this person. It was a process, each year it improved, I picked up new hobbies, I got my first crush again. I started to come back alive. Today I can look at photos of them and feel nothing I actually feel happy that I didn't end up with them. It was meant to be.

I'm depressed now for different reasons more financial and career type reasons but the memories of me feeling hurt because of failed romance are also a part of me and my past.

I wish you well on your journey towards recovery be nice to yourself remember that you are healing and remember to love yourself :) <3

Golda Dilema
Posts: 31
Joined: Sun Aug 19, 2018 12:51 am

Re: I feel like I'm drowning

Postby Golda Dilema » Fri Aug 24, 2018 10:22 pm

It is sad that you are pain. I have a lost a loved one before and it took me years to move on. Nothing is permanent and you need to move on too.

Remember to love yourself. Spend more time with your family and your friends. An author once said to do activities that make you happy, such as playing online, gardening, watching good films, listening to good music, exercising and the like.

Whenever the past love comes into your mind immediately shift your thought to something else positive. It will be hard at first, but you with practice you will be able to move on.

Another thing that may help you is when you help others. Help others in this forum or help others around you. Helping makes you happier. Volunteering for a good cause, a shelter or to any charitable institutions will make you glad too.

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