So whats your story?

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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NewWestGuy76
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 16, 2018 1:56 am

So whats your story?

Postby NewWestGuy76 » Wed May 16, 2018 9:36 pm

I just feel stuck. Like I'm in a hole and cant get out. As I try to climb out I just keep pulling the dirt on top of me making it harder.
Last edited by NewWestGuy76 on Thu May 17, 2018 8:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NewWestGuy76
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 16, 2018 1:56 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby NewWestGuy76 » Thu May 17, 2018 3:27 am

For the first time in my life I've had thoughts about why am I even here? Why do I even bother to try? What hope is there for me to have a healthy life and healthy relationships? Do I even have any worth at all? Would I be better off dead? Just more questions I dont have the answers to. And just as quickly as those questions come, I chase them away out of fear. I dont think I could do it. I'm too much of a coward.

Yea I've thought about it. What would be the least painfull? A hand full of pills, some booze and a nap in a warm bath. How would I be found and by who? It could take days, maybe weeks, even months, and it would probably be my landlord who found me. How would it affect my mom and my sister? Devestated. I dont think anyone else would even notice though. I'd disapear from existence and few people would even care. And so I know I need help.

Its so hard to talk about face to face. I've been asked the question. Are you thinking of hurting yourself or suicide? I say no, I couldnt do it, I'm too much of a coward. But I've thought about it.
Last edited by NewWestGuy76 on Thu May 17, 2018 9:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

humanwastegenerator
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Feb 07, 2018 11:33 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby humanwastegenerator » Thu May 17, 2018 9:56 am

So....
I fell in love with a girl
But she doesn't love me back
She has a boyfriend who is trash and treats her like trash
When she came into my life,
the world became colourful
it was like
I was born at that moment to meet her
She is always so cheerful
She is the light of my life
I love her smile
I love her joke
I love her sometimes she makes little sense
I love how caring a person she is
But...
she doesn't love me back
I do everything for her
tried and tired
sometimes i just want someone else to love me
or for me to just love someone else
so that i can get out of this loop
this endless cycle of torment
i really
love her
but
but
this is pointless

NewWestGuy76
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed May 16, 2018 1:56 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby NewWestGuy76 » Thu May 17, 2018 2:02 pm

I've been there as well so I can appreciate what you're going through. I'm not even sure how I got through it. I guess I just lived with it in silence until I accepted it for what it is and eventually met someone else and moved on. I know its difficult. I hope you get through it.

Over the past couple weeks I've been going through emotional distress daily. Feelings of intense sadness, worthlesness and hopelessness

I have been having trouble sleeping. I cant get my mind to shut off when I need to go to sleep and in the morning I dont want to get up even when I'm wide awake. Over the last several days when I wake up the first thing I do is start thinking about all the problems and negative crap in my life and how I feel so alone dealing with it all. I cry for a bit and then force myself to get up.

I'm not hungry at all. I eat maybe once a day and I force myself to eat because I know I need to. I've lost 10lbs over the past week just from not eating.

I want to be happy. I want to have a happy, healthy life. I just feel so stuck.

EthanRyght
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri May 18, 2018 1:12 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby EthanRyght » Fri May 18, 2018 1:16 am

So this is just a small part of some of the things I’ve wrote about what I’m going through.

People say they get hurt
I don't know what they're so afraid of.
------------------------------------
I think I'm going insane
Sat having a conversation with people
I don't know what they're saying
It's like they're speaking a foreign language.
------------------------------------
I find myself randomly staring
Just staring at nothing.
------------------------------------
I found that running seems to clear my mind
Been running twice a day
I just put music on and run
It's so peaceful.
------------------------------------
I'm still struggling to sleep
Sat here typing this when I haven't been to sleep
Been awake for 28 hours now.
------------------------------------
I've taken to separating myself
I go and find somewhere quiet
Just listen to my music.
------------------------------------
I can't hold a conversation with anyone
I don't know what they're saying
I just keep zoning out.
------------------------------------
I think I've just experienced claustrophobia
One of the worst fears I've ever had
I can't sleep in my bed
It's like a coffin.
------------------------------------
I don't know what I'm going to be like
When I get off this boat
I'm only used to being around like 5 people
That's maximum at any one time.
------------------------------------
My eye sight has gone weird
I try to focus on something
It just goes blurry.
------------------------------------
Music and running seems to be my only escape
I don't know what to do
I just want to be at home
With my girlfriend and my friends.
------------------------------------
I keep seeing random things move
There's nothing there
I keep hearing random voices
Still nothing there.
------------------------------------
Why am I writing this
No ones going to read it
I'm not going to show anyone
Maybe someone will find it.
------------------------------------
Feel like I'm writing shitty song lyrics
But f*** it
It's getting everything out of my head
Putting it down in writing.
------------------------------------
My head keeps going to the worst places
There's nothing I can do
Where are you supposed to go
When you're trapped in your own mind.
------------------------------------
I'm getting anxiety
I feel socially awkward
I can't be around people
I feel like I'm just annoying everyone
I'm just being weird
Why am I like this
What the f*** is going on.
------------------------------------
I can't type anymore
My heads overflowing with information
Information that is scaring me
I don't get scared easy
But this is something new.
------------------------------------
I might come back
In a few days
I'm going to try deal with this.

Edwin3
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri May 04, 2018 1:45 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby Edwin3 » Sun May 20, 2018 1:31 am

I was driving myself crazy with worry, stress, loneliness, sadness, and trying to control everything in my life including what other people thought of me, the future, etc. Finally one morning early (which tends to be my worst time) I was standing in the shower and the thought came to me. "Keep thinking like this and you will lose your mind, or stop and hang onto your sanity. Your choice." It was like a bucket of cold water over my head. I decided to stop thinking/worrying/stressing. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. It felt like I was removing myself from the "real" world and stepping out onto very thin ice. But I stuck to what felt like "foolish" abandonment and months later I looked back and wondered how I could have thought my distorted perceptions were the "real" world.

Here are a few lessons I learned along the way.
1) Stop trying to control the world. You have no control over it anyway. Other people, the future, circumstances--most of the things I was obsessing over, were things I could do nothing about. How fruitless is that?
2) Live now. Our minds have the strange ability to let us live in an alternate (usually not good) reality. The question is, what is going on right now, this instant. A cool breeze? Oxygen flowing to my lungs? A bite of fried chicken? What beautiful things are happening in this very moment that I can focus on and enjoy?
3) Give without any expectation of receiving. There is something about "outflow" that is healing and comforting. Feed the pigeons. Help someone across the street. Plant flowers. This one is tricky because long habit can tie each of these things with a strong expectation of receiving--I may want a moment of awe with nature, or a "thank you" from the person I helped, or a beautiful garden from my seeds. But if I can drop all expectations of receiving and just give for the reward of giving, there is wonderful healing there.

Here's wishing every one of you hope and healing in a turbulent world!

pearl
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu May 24, 2018 1:11 am

Re: So whats your story?

Postby pearl » Tue May 29, 2018 1:19 am

When i read these stories, i feel guilt. my 'story' isn't half as bad... but, you know what, it still feels like hell. so, you know what, it's time i face some truths. lets start with, i should get some sleep.

Steve16
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu May 31, 2018 5:47 pm

Re: So whats your story?

Postby Steve16 » Thu May 31, 2018 6:23 pm

Not sure how this forum works, so i'll keep this short in case it doesn't get put up. I get depressed sometimes, like yesterday. When i become aware of it i try and write down the thought i think is behind it...there always is one. Just that one act usually begins to interrupt the negative cycle. Yesterday the thouoght was 'i feel flat.' Then i became aware that i was going over past mistakes, no wonder i was feeling flat! Another thought i became aware of was 'i am struggling.' I questioned it: struggling with what? Physically i was fine, so it must be mentally Anyway my 'self inquiry' was interrupted by a phone call, but i hope i have given an insight as to how i deal with moments that appear gloomy which often lead to despair/no hope if not challenged. I am not my thinking and i don't have to believe my thoughts.


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