This is the story of me Graywolf

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Graywolf
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2018 4:48 pm

This is the story of me Graywolf

Postby Graywolf » Wed Apr 04, 2018 5:12 pm

I am just a simple man with simple needs. I just need to be better from this illness called depression. My story is one of incredible misfortune and circumstances. It all started in October of 2016 and is still unbearable.
I went to the local quick care because I was having trouble breathing. They check my blood pressure and it was stroke level 167/209 they could not see how I was still standing. So they sent me on to the hospital. Finally got to a hospital that would take my insurance, Thank you Obama care, 7 1/2 afrer I got to go to the right hospital, because the quiet care sent me to the nearest hospital that could treat me. So they sent me to the right hospital 2 hours away. So there I was in the hospital not knowing what was going on. The doctor sent me for testing and it wasn't good. It was a heart attack and get a double bypass for a consolation prize.
Out of the hospital 15 days later, I go for my first check up and the doctor want me to have a primary doctor. So I found a good on and she sent me to a lung and breathing specialist, diagnoses COPD, then she sent me to the pain clinic. My back stared killing me, so I went for a MRI that wasn't good they found 2 bulging disc 1 herniated 2 pinched nerves and 2 disc totally gone because I didn't know it but I've got D.D.D. in my back and its getting worse. So next week I go to a sergon to look at my options. The pain clinic tried epidural shots and they didn't work. One of the doctors at the pain clinic said he knew they wouldn't but we had to do that to get to the sergon.
Now I've been out of work for over a year and five months. I'm waiting to get my disability started. I can't get it to go any faster, and I'm about to loose everything I worked so hard for. I can't even provide for my family like I used to. I can't do anything like I used to. I don't even feel like a man any more because I can't even make sweet love to my wife of 24 years. They won't let me have the little blue pills because of my heart and blood pressure conditions.
People say I know how you feel. I'm sorry but you don't know anything about how I feel, because you are not me. Something small to you may be a giant mountain to me, and it goes the other way to.
My feelings, some folks ask me my feelings. I can't answer them truly. They would never speak to me ever again. So I keep them inside, yes inside is best for me. I try to have a smile on my face even though I'm crying on the inside. If they knew the thought that go through my mind, I would be labeled a mental monster. It is not by choice that I feel like this, purely a victim of circumstance.
So now what do I do.........

MiddleChild
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: This is the story of me Graywolf

Postby MiddleChild » Thu Apr 05, 2018 1:19 pm

Hi Graywolf,
I am truly sorry for your problems and pain. I have been in two separate accidents and hospitalized and though my life would never be the same. But I understand today that hope is like a fire inside that keeps a person fighting. People from a church nearby surrounded me with love and practical help and were there to help me get back on my feet. It is unfortunate that people of faith are belittled today but they do make a difference. Churches near my home sacrifice their time to reach out and help people. I am not sure about your beliefs and how comfortable you are with it but have you considered asking for a pastor to visit you and help you with your depression? There are people I know who are still in physical pain but they fight on knowing that they have value just by who they are and not based on what they can contribute to society. And it makes a huge difference when someone suffering can appreciate the other things in life as a blessing. That is all I can offer and I don’t mean to offend if something I said bothered you.

Graywolf
Posts: 11
Joined: Tue Apr 03, 2018 4:48 pm

Re: This is the story of me Graywolf

Postby Graywolf » Thu Apr 05, 2018 2:16 pm

Not at all my friend. If it wasn't for my church I would have had a bullet sandwich a long time ago. At least now I know I'm not in this fight alone. Some people around me see this big strong capable man and think I'm putting on a show or something. Yes I'm a large guy and all but I just can't do things like I used to. My breathing is my main problem right now, I just get tired and worn out. I try to help around the house. Putting on a load of clothes to wash or sweep the floor, by the time it get done I'm exhausted and I'm in the bed for 3 or 4 hours. My wife even get agrovated, because all I do is set around. I understand why she feels that way, but I just can't help but feel drained all the time. Here's the kick in the teath. I'm so sorry I can't do the things that I used to do. I'm just not abel to.
I sit around with all this time on my hands and there is just so much TV a man can watch. I start thinking and the more I think the deeper I get in the hole. My mind just goes on maximum overdrive and then it on, and I can't turn it off. The more I think about what I used to do, the depression get to me, it kinda sneaks in the back door and camps out for a long time. You being in the accidents and all I know that you know how that is.
I start asking God why. Why did you let this happen, or my favorite God why did you let me live. Then there is the thoughts of being useless, loneliness ,tiredness, and the feeling of dread. So I've got a reason to be depressed, but I don't want it to rule my life like it does.
I go to the doctor and I take my meds, but I still don't feel any better, actually I really think I'm getting worse. She said just yesterday that I was on the maximum dose that a man with all my ailments can have. I wonder how bad I would be off the meds. I really don't want to find out right now. I know some how you know exactly what I'm talking about. I think you have been in this very spot. Other than you church friends and meds, was there any thing you did that helps you when you get really depressed. This is going to sound funny, but I'm new at this I've only been feeling like this for about 4 months and it is just getting worse.

MiddleChild
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Mar 06, 2018 1:43 pm

Re: This is the story of me Graywolf

Postby MiddleChild » Mon Apr 09, 2018 5:00 pm

Hi Mr. Graywolf,
Sorry I wasn’t able to get back sooner, I had to do my taxes, … over 4 days!
No it should not sound funny, anybody can end up in a situation and depressed in a few days. It is great that you are determined not to let it rule your life. That is the best starting point.

I just hope your wife would be more understanding of your condition. One thing I did was accept that I was in a new disabled situation where I cannot help myself so I tried to forget that there were things I was able to do before but suddenly could not. I just focus on what I can do. I cannot get a glass of water but I can be cheerful and ask nicely and thankful after.

I also avoided the tv and read books instead. I read books on how the claims of Christianity are reasonable enough to believe in. They somehow woke me up and gave me hope. There is a book (also on audio book) called The Goodness of God by Randy Alcorn that really helped me and gave me hope instead of blaming God. Aside from being surrounded by a loving family and really helpful people from church, I filled my mind with good things and avoided the depressing things they show on media in general.

What you said about … the thoughts of being useless, loneliness ,tiredness, and the feeling of dread. There is nothing you can do about your current medical condition, so worrying and all these thoughts will not help you. You can try to replace these thoughts with positive ones and a good outlook and frame of mind can help you heal better. Take care, Mr. Graywolf.


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