any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Brady67
Posts: 1
Joined: Fri Oct 27, 2017 8:22 pm

any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

Postby Brady67 » Mon Mar 19, 2018 8:45 pm

Hi,

My name is Brady. I'm not expecting much if anything from this but it doesn't seem like I have anywhere else to turn to. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for a very long time, probably since I could remember, but haven't told anyone. Recently it's gotten very difficult to manage so I began to write what I was thinking down. I thought if I did that the thoughts become real, and i may be able to find a solution instead of letting them fester in my mind. But its only helped a little, as I haven't been able to have much success. Here are my notes from the past few months: thank you for your time. Any input would be appreciated. Good or bad just please be honest. I'm honestly feeling pretty freaking hopeless at this point.


Things that give me the most stress:

. Being alone--
. Worrying about when one of my parents dying and being able to take care of the family and the house-- will I be able to have my own life?
. Starting a family-- at 24 I'm closer to 30 than 17...
. Job/career. Do I need to go back to school? If so for what? I have no idea what I want to do. I just want to make enough to live comfortably and have a few nice things. Nothing spectacular. ---or do I stick out my job and hope for a promotion?
. Being 24. And at home. Alone. Doing the same thing over and over on repeat.
. I feel like my life is on repeat mode. I just do the same thing every day and I'm just waiting for something to happen and it never does.
. Being extremely self conscious. Just being inside my own head. I think about thinking I think so much.
. Self esteem and self worth should probably be here too.
. I honestly feel so stupid sometimes. It takes me longer to understand things than most people, and even then sometimes don't get it.
. Just talking to most people in general. I literally can't small talk.
. Being 24 and wasting my life away into nothing. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and so far they're the worst. Am I missing something? Or missing out on something? Will I regret things that I wished I would of done when I was young?
. Trying to find someone to date who isn't basic and has some human decency and has understanding.
. When do I move out? Do I buy a house? Do I get an apartment? And when I do move out I'm going to be more alone than ever.
. I'm scared of getting older. Because it's not just me. My parents. My brother. Everybody that I've known. It's honestly terrifying.
. I worry about my my families health.
. I worry about my dad a lot. Not just physically but mentally too. He feels that he never got a fair shake in life because he became disabled. Which is true.
. I worry about my mom. She lives her life on repeat mode as well, but on a much worse scale. I don't know if she can ever snap out of it. I'm not saying she doesn't work hard but is miserable everyday. I would like her to try something else or try a hobby or something.
. I worry about Ben (my brother who has learning disabilities) Just everything really.
It's good that he started to drive and tried something different than the grocery store. But still. He's 26 and is at home too.

. I've noticed my life has gone from down hill to almost out of control after me and Maddy split 3 years ago. (my girlfriend who I dated in high school and college for nearly 5 years.) I had so much promise. So much to live for. In hindsight that day was probably the worst day of my life.. I still remember the last time she said she loved me across the street getting into her jeep right after we decided to end it. I remember how her voice sounded. It was so genuine.. The days I spent with her is something that I will cherish for the rest of my life..
. Something that I will never understand is why I was so numb and okay with everything that was happening around me, or I didn't try harder to mend things.. I honestly was going to to at least try in Mexico but she was already dating someone from tinder at the time. (We remained friends and went on vacation a few months later). (we used to hang out after we broke up occasionally and stayed in touch the first year but don't talk too much now). Too little too late I guess... I wonder if I ever cross her mind.. how often? Good or bad? ....for its me everyday.. from day one. I can't help it. Whether I like it or not it happens. I had her as my #1 priority and mentally I still do. Not talking to each other like we used to and growing apart is terrifying..
. I almost want to reach out to her and at least try to meet up to talk or tell her how I feel but I don't want to make her uncomfortable. I would feel like I would be bothering her and putting her in a rough position. I thought just giving her space would make her happy, and that's what I wanted. But it hurts me inside because it's your best friend your entire young adulthood just disappearing forever and it makes me sad.
. Am I allowed to feel sad? Am I allowed to miss her? I tried moving on but something wasn't just right. Maybe it's still possible but the future looks bleak, especially without her. The whole thing shattered me. And I've never been able to pick up the pieces.. and it's my fault.
. But let's just turn on another video game and try to forget about everything that's going on, and pretend to go somewhere else..
. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

. I keep having thoughts about this memory I've been suppressing. It was in Kindergarten, maybe the first or second week of school. I was confident, ambitious, sociable, extroverted. When I was at recess the boys were playing tackle football, but we weren't supposed to. I saw a teacher coming our way so I slowly backed away and pretended I wasn't playing. It worked, and they all got in trouble except me. This would go on for weeks. I slowly disconnected myself with that group out of fear of getting in trouble. These group of kids would hang out all together, and I was left alone. Weeks turned to months, months turned to years, and I was left without hardly any friends in school.
Being that young at age 5 when my brain was still developing mentally and physically I never had a real opportunity to develop proper social skills and confidence. It was social isolation. I was always left out which made me feel unwanted. Like there was something wrong with me. My entire upbringing I have felt that way. Unwanted. Undesirable. Unloveable. Too awkward and too weird to be normal.
This impacted me through high-school and adulthood. It impacts me now. Once I started dating Maddy, I would give her anything she wanted. And then some, all over the fear of being unwanted. Unappreciated. Fear that I wasn't good enough. On the Contrary I was too good. I was perfect. Well not 100% perfect, but close to perfect as I could be. I gave 110% of what I had and I devoted it to her. never told her no. I pushed away Ben, Dallas, Justin and Brianna, (my friends/family) my parents, all for her. I sacrificed everything, because if I didn't I would feel like a failure. Failure of a human being, and I couldn't accept that. Turns out being "perfect" wasn't enough. I failed anyway.
This event in kindergarten I think is the reason of who I am today. All the negative things I've been experiencing. Depression, anxiety, numbness, mood swings, introverted, awkward, lack of confidence, over thinking.
Sometimes I wonder if I played with that group of kids that day, I would be a completely different person. Different personality, different friends, different experiences., different character traits. I would have had a completely different life because of that one day.

Social isolation.

It's been eating at me... bad.. it's the root cause of everything that I've been through. It shattered my entire identity of who i was at that time, and the impact of that event I still carry with me. Influencing my decisions, how I talk, how I think, how I perceive the world, my personality... Just because it doesn't sound traumatic to someone else doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic to me. Trauma comes in all shapes and sizes, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this down but if I can understand it maybe I can be the solution. If there is one

. I think I'm unloveable.

.The only way I can actually get someone to like me is becoming agreeable. Because it's easy. And I don't think I have the tools to form a legitimate emotional/ friendly bond with anyone.

. I feel like I spend more time trying to escape life than to live it.

ImJohn
Posts: 46
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

Postby ImJohn » Tue Mar 20, 2018 4:32 pm

Hi Brady,

I was about to logoff as I'm terribly tired now but I saw your unanswered post and just had to reply.

I've not read all of it but I will (honest) but from what I have read you're so like many, many of the people who come here searching for help or friendship or answers or simply acceptance. Rest assured that you are acceptable, you don't need to feel isolated and you are lovable. I know this because, ultimately, everyone is. Some behaviour isn't but the people themselves are.

You've reminded me of that Beatles song "All the lonely (and depressed) people, where do they all belong?" It's a good question. Maybe together is a good answer, maybe.

Bye for now

John. :D

Luanne12
Posts: 1
Joined: Tue Mar 20, 2018 4:39 pm

Re: any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

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ImJohn
Posts: 46
Joined: Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:42 am

Re: any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

Postby ImJohn » Wed Mar 21, 2018 4:00 pm

Hello Brady,

Well I did as I promised and read your entire post. Sure there are some sad things like your dad and brother being disabled and your mum being stuck in a bit of a rut but don't let that blind you to the positive things. You have a family that's still together and that functions - that's important and an achievement in itself (well done everyone but especially mum and dad).

It's also sad that you and your long term girl friend split up but my goodness you must be a good and lovable chap to have had such a long term relationship.

I know what you mean about some events, especially early in life, having a long term effect but that's been true since Adam was a lad. You're not alone or unusual in anyway in that regard. No one has the perfect childhood or school or friends and relations, we're all of us subject to vagaries of our times and circumstances.

And now you have choices and decisions to make about your life and future. Again nothing unusual there. You'll get some wrong because that's the way life is and you'll regret some of them and think, "If only I'd ...", but you have to do the best you can with the cards you've been dealt.

Advice: Take the thing that nags away at you the most and deal with it (or at least make a start) and when you have give yourself a pat on the back. It doesn't matter how small the step is. It maybe just making one phone call or talking to someone honestly about the way you feel or unblocking a drain, anything at all is still a cause for celebration and a "Well done me!".

For my part I've replied to a post and I hope that occasionally I say something helpful. Such a small thing really; but still worthy of a rewarding cup of tea I feel. :D

Take care.

John.


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