Expression
Posted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:31 pm
Hello. For a while now, I've been feeling depressed. Not yet the depression that consumes me everyday, but the depression that visits me every once in a while. During those times I feel extremely alone. I feel like I want to ruin my health, to waste my time. Sometimes I try to distract myself from those feelings, but other times I want to do nothing. I just want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing. I know I should talk to someone, but I feel like my friends and family are too busy to deal with me, so I don't. I want to confide with someone, but I also don't want to be a bother. I did try telling it once to someone that I trust. They commented that I really wanted hugs because I kept mentioning them. I replied "Yes because sometimes I get depressed -laughcryemoji-" I think because I often joke around, people around me don't realize how weak I am emotionally. I don't know what that person thought about what I said. They didn't really say anything about that. We just moved the conversation on and talked about another topic. I don't know if they didn't care, if they didn't know how or didn't want to deal with me. So I didn't continue to talk about it. I don't blame them.
The things that make me depressed are all very minor things when I think about them objectively. I do try and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about those things and that I am only overthinking. But that doesn't always work. I still get depressed despite trying to fight against it. I am so aware of what I feel like, that I sometimes blame myself. I blame myself for feeling depressed. I blame myself for wanting comfort. I blame myself for not listening to my own words. I blame myself for not being able to find joy. Even now, I half feel like I am just another person who is seeking for attention. I think about my feelings from a third person's point of view and suddenly, my true feelings feel so artificial. So fake.
One of the reasons why I feel so lonely at times, is because I am an online student. One year, I suddenly had to move houses and that brought me to online school. I do express to my parents that I want to go back to my old school, but it would be hard to make that possible because I don't live near my old school anymore. I feel terribly lonely that all my friends are now only friends that I talk to online. I am happy when they share about fun things that happen at school, but at the same time, it makes me feel lonelier because I am at home alone. My family is home too, but we aren't an emotionally close family. I have never cried about my feelings to them, or even told them about my deepest thoughts. Lately, I feel even more detached from them. But I don't blame them either.
I think I just needed to get my feelings out... so here I am, telling about my story to complete strangers. But sometimes, I find a comfort in that. I'm not sure if I'll come back to this forum, but I would like to thank everyone who read and understood this. Thank you for your time
The things that make me depressed are all very minor things when I think about them objectively. I do try and tell myself that I shouldn't worry about those things and that I am only overthinking. But that doesn't always work. I still get depressed despite trying to fight against it. I am so aware of what I feel like, that I sometimes blame myself. I blame myself for feeling depressed. I blame myself for wanting comfort. I blame myself for not listening to my own words. I blame myself for not being able to find joy. Even now, I half feel like I am just another person who is seeking for attention. I think about my feelings from a third person's point of view and suddenly, my true feelings feel so artificial. So fake.
One of the reasons why I feel so lonely at times, is because I am an online student. One year, I suddenly had to move houses and that brought me to online school. I do express to my parents that I want to go back to my old school, but it would be hard to make that possible because I don't live near my old school anymore. I feel terribly lonely that all my friends are now only friends that I talk to online. I am happy when they share about fun things that happen at school, but at the same time, it makes me feel lonelier because I am at home alone. My family is home too, but we aren't an emotionally close family. I have never cried about my feelings to them, or even told them about my deepest thoughts. Lately, I feel even more detached from them. But I don't blame them either.
I think I just needed to get my feelings out... so here I am, telling about my story to complete strangers. But sometimes, I find a comfort in that. I'm not sure if I'll come back to this forum, but I would like to thank everyone who read and understood this. Thank you for your time