Can someone please give me some advice?
Posted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 7:37 pm
Hi, I'm new to message boards but I'm desperate for help. I have no one to turn to for advice or support. If someone can give me some advice on what to do, that would be much appreciated.
I believe that I have been dealing with social anxiety for six years and with depression for around four to five years. I don't have a clear understanding on how I developed them and why. I have a very nice life. My parents give me everything and I never have to worry about food or money. So I was very confused when I started feeling depressed and anxious.
I isolate myself from everyone. I don't like to hang out with my friends anymore and I don't like to hang out with my family anymore. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, like work or hobbies. I quit all of my extracurriculars. I'm actually having a hard time finishing this post... I lack concentration and I tend to get irritated very easily. For the first few years, all I ever felt was hopelessness, guilt and extreme sadness that it felt physical. I told a close friend at the time saying, "I think I may have depression," but she responded with "Are you sure it's depression? Or are you just seeking attention?" After that I shut up about it. We aren't close anymore.
It got to the point where I seriously thought about killing myself so in tears, I ended up telling my mom. She didn't know what to do and asked me what I needed to feel better. I suggested therapy and so she signed me up for a session. I started to feel a bit better, but I knew therapy was a long term solution. After the first few sessions she kept asking, "Are you better yet? How many more sessions do you need?" She didn't understand that I needed many more sessions to get better. I felt so pressured to say yes but I really wanted to continue with therapy. She finally resorted to saying how no employee will want to hire me if they knew I went to therapy for mental illnesses, that therapy was too expensive and a waste of money, that I just needed to exercise more, eat better, sleep better, that she's felt depressed before but it was just a 'phase' so it will pass. They never believed that I had depression even when the therapist said so. After around 8 sessions, I stopped. I felt so guilty because it was expensive.
Ever since I stopped going to therapy, it's like I never went. My parents don't seem to remember that I have ever been depressed, they never seemed to even think that I may still be depressed. I thought my depression went away after therapy. I didn't feel sad anymore, just numb. Empty. Emotionless. Still unmotivated but not sad. But in the past year, I get random episodes of depression. It hits me and I just feel so so depressed. And I had many anger episodes as well. I would get triggered by something small and every emotion I ever pushed aside would just explode out of me in anger. I would trash my room, punch holes in the wall, pound on doors that they would crack. In both episodes I self harmed. Cutting, burning, hitting my head. I felt crazy.
I have a trend of losing my best friends. I can list all of my ex bestfriends and tell you how we stopped being friends. I felt that they always abandoned me. Recently, I started to think maybe they left me because I did something to them for them to drop our friendship. Despite always losing my bestfriends, I still continued to build close relationships with very few people since I find it hard to make friends. I finally told one of my close friends, one that I knew for six years, what I have been going through. I have never ever trusted someone this much. People say I have trust issues but I don't know. I trusted her. But last year, she did physical things with my boyfriend. Three times. She didn't tell me until months later. And it was only because I was helping her out with her doing things with a mutual friend's boyfriend... It crushed me. And then a couple weeks later, my other really close friend started dating my boyfriend after I broke up with him. I told her how much he hurt me but she didn't seem to care saying, "He won't do that to me." It hurt to hear that. My two close friends, my two bestfriends, really, my only friends, betrayed me. In my eyes, it was betrayal. It felt like betrayal.
I just wanted to add that because now I had absolutely no one that I could talk to, trust, or ask for help. I'm still friends with both of them because I didn't want to lose anymore friends but still... I feel so alone when I'm with them. So distant. I'm so sorry, I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I guess I just needed to let this all out. I want to be able to trust someone and tell them all of this.
I'm just so so so frustrated that I feel like this. I feel like I have no reason to still be feeling this way. It's affecting my relationships and my work. I just want to be happy and start living my life again. I don't want to feel this way. I want to go back into therapy but I don't want to bother my mom with it again. I don't want to waste her money. Plus, mental illness is taboo in my family and seeking professional help is even more taboo. I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired. I would like whatever I'm feeling to end, whether it's through therapy, medication or death. I do want to live, but just not like this.
I'm so sorry for this very very long post and thank you to anyone who read all of this. I have so much more to say, I haven't even touched on my anxiety. That's why I feel that therapy would be best? To talk things out and to hear feedback. But I don't know how to ask for it? If any of you guys can please give me some advice on what to do I would appreciate it so much.
I believe that I have been dealing with social anxiety for six years and with depression for around four to five years. I don't have a clear understanding on how I developed them and why. I have a very nice life. My parents give me everything and I never have to worry about food or money. So I was very confused when I started feeling depressed and anxious.
I isolate myself from everyone. I don't like to hang out with my friends anymore and I don't like to hang out with my family anymore. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, like work or hobbies. I quit all of my extracurriculars. I'm actually having a hard time finishing this post... I lack concentration and I tend to get irritated very easily. For the first few years, all I ever felt was hopelessness, guilt and extreme sadness that it felt physical. I told a close friend at the time saying, "I think I may have depression," but she responded with "Are you sure it's depression? Or are you just seeking attention?" After that I shut up about it. We aren't close anymore.
It got to the point where I seriously thought about killing myself so in tears, I ended up telling my mom. She didn't know what to do and asked me what I needed to feel better. I suggested therapy and so she signed me up for a session. I started to feel a bit better, but I knew therapy was a long term solution. After the first few sessions she kept asking, "Are you better yet? How many more sessions do you need?" She didn't understand that I needed many more sessions to get better. I felt so pressured to say yes but I really wanted to continue with therapy. She finally resorted to saying how no employee will want to hire me if they knew I went to therapy for mental illnesses, that therapy was too expensive and a waste of money, that I just needed to exercise more, eat better, sleep better, that she's felt depressed before but it was just a 'phase' so it will pass. They never believed that I had depression even when the therapist said so. After around 8 sessions, I stopped. I felt so guilty because it was expensive.
Ever since I stopped going to therapy, it's like I never went. My parents don't seem to remember that I have ever been depressed, they never seemed to even think that I may still be depressed. I thought my depression went away after therapy. I didn't feel sad anymore, just numb. Empty. Emotionless. Still unmotivated but not sad. But in the past year, I get random episodes of depression. It hits me and I just feel so so depressed. And I had many anger episodes as well. I would get triggered by something small and every emotion I ever pushed aside would just explode out of me in anger. I would trash my room, punch holes in the wall, pound on doors that they would crack. In both episodes I self harmed. Cutting, burning, hitting my head. I felt crazy.
I have a trend of losing my best friends. I can list all of my ex bestfriends and tell you how we stopped being friends. I felt that they always abandoned me. Recently, I started to think maybe they left me because I did something to them for them to drop our friendship. Despite always losing my bestfriends, I still continued to build close relationships with very few people since I find it hard to make friends. I finally told one of my close friends, one that I knew for six years, what I have been going through. I have never ever trusted someone this much. People say I have trust issues but I don't know. I trusted her. But last year, she did physical things with my boyfriend. Three times. She didn't tell me until months later. And it was only because I was helping her out with her doing things with a mutual friend's boyfriend... It crushed me. And then a couple weeks later, my other really close friend started dating my boyfriend after I broke up with him. I told her how much he hurt me but she didn't seem to care saying, "He won't do that to me." It hurt to hear that. My two close friends, my two bestfriends, really, my only friends, betrayed me. In my eyes, it was betrayal. It felt like betrayal.
I just wanted to add that because now I had absolutely no one that I could talk to, trust, or ask for help. I'm still friends with both of them because I didn't want to lose anymore friends but still... I feel so alone when I'm with them. So distant. I'm so sorry, I have no idea where I was going with all of this. I guess I just needed to let this all out. I want to be able to trust someone and tell them all of this.
I'm just so so so frustrated that I feel like this. I feel like I have no reason to still be feeling this way. It's affecting my relationships and my work. I just want to be happy and start living my life again. I don't want to feel this way. I want to go back into therapy but I don't want to bother my mom with it again. I don't want to waste her money. Plus, mental illness is taboo in my family and seeking professional help is even more taboo. I don't know what to do. I'm just so tired. I would like whatever I'm feeling to end, whether it's through therapy, medication or death. I do want to live, but just not like this.
I'm so sorry for this very very long post and thank you to anyone who read all of this. I have so much more to say, I haven't even touched on my anxiety. That's why I feel that therapy would be best? To talk things out and to hear feedback. But I don't know how to ask for it? If any of you guys can please give me some advice on what to do I would appreciate it so much.