People Problems

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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Hani
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:50 pm

People Problems

Postby Hani » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:43 pm

Well, I think everyone here understands that feeling of when you thought you hit rock bottom, only to find you can fall right through that bottom too. To be blunt, I attempted suicide, failed, and am now at an uneasy pact with life and my treatment team. Everyone says it's just a rut that I'll get through, but every week feels a little worse than the last, and even though I have a loving family and several close friends, I have never felt so absolutely abandoned.

I don't know how detailed I should get, but I'll start simple. I'm a 21 year old male, financially stable, and had plenty of friends. About a year ago, a close friend and I had a rude falling out when he attacked my religion, and when we tried to move past that, it only got worse. Big deal, stuff happens, we went our separate ways and moved on. It probably started my downward spiral, but I didn't know any better. fast forward a few months, and I had several close friends, but that one guy came back around, and adopted the same schedule I had. Same job, same living area, same friends, etc. I thought it was a great chance to rekindle an old friendship, but somehow I screwed that up and became stuck in a limbo area where we would just pretend the other person didn't exist. We were prepping for a test that we would take that would decide if we could keep our job or not, and the prep time was about 2 years, so I spent close to that just trying to survive, but I didn't do it too well, and come test day he finally pulled me to the side and this little meeting ended poorly and I stormed off to take my test, which I promptly failed. Way later I had the chance to retake said test, and passed, but at the time I didn't know better. This is when I attempted suicide, but I failed (A trend it seems), and another friend ended up coming to my rescue.

I was put in a ward for a week where I met someone who said their son killed himself and that I reminded her of her son. Hearing her story alerted me to the uneasy truth of what would probably happen to my mother if I had succeeded, so I assured her and everyone else that I wouldn't try again.

Sadly, since that incident, every week is harder to make it through than the last. I only told four people that I attempted suicide. one moved far off and I never heard from them again, another is my mother and we no longer see eye to eye anymore, another was the friend who saved me that night and afterwards I had several mental breakdowns in front of him and he moved off and told me never to speak to him again, and the last and the final person I told is still around but I feel like I'm about to run that person off too. Everyone else I associate with is none the wiser, and they all genuinely like me. This has me convinced that I can't talk about my problems, which have constantly been growing since the start, and that getting close to people will only lead to more pain down the line.

So far, I still believe suicide isn't the answer, but I am always worried that I won't be able to convince myself of that, considering I have to remind myself that every day. I have three different therapist that I see often and a roommate that follows me around (with no idea why), so there is no need for alarm, but living this way is really grinding away at my emotions.

Sorry for the long post, but I have no idea what else to do, and I just want find a way to make life feel a little better because here I am 5 months after the incident and instead of time healing the wound, it made it worse and I honestly feel like the future isn't an inviting place.

LookUp1430
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2017 2:43 pm

Re: People Problems

Postby LookUp1430 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:01 pm

Wow. It seems you have gained a lot of wisdom through that one defining moment in your life. From what you said, you were able to learn a lot from the mother of that boy who killed himself, and that knowledge gave you perspective on the huge impact suicide has on others. Have you considered finding a way to impart that type of wisdom on others who might be in the same boat you were when you tried to kill yourself? Maybe you can heal by sharing your experiences with others who might be contemplating suicide. Maybe you can have a positive impact on the lives of others by sharing your story with them. And maybe this will help you gain confidence in yourself as you realize how important YOU are to this world and those around you.

Hani
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:50 pm

Re: People Problems

Postby Hani » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:51 pm

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kindness. Sadly, I sit around therapists who constantly praise me, and it makes complements kind of worthless without earning it. Perhaps using what I have learned to help others would be a good option, but I honestly feel like that would be impossible for me at this time. I don't talk about this stuff to just anyone, and those that I have told, don't really like me anymore. Perhaps I could try to help strangers such as on this site, but my belief is that it takes more than "wise" words on a computer screen to make a difference. It takes a physical helping hand of someone close to you, who you see in person making an effort stay by you while you deal with your problems. A task like this can't really be done over the internet... and is it really a good idea to try to fix a broken machine with a broken tool?

Aiutalemani
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:35 am

Re: People Problems

Postby Aiutalemani » Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:53 am

Hello! Thanks for sharing here!
It seems to me like you have learned some good lessons about your life during this time! Can I ask, how are you planning to put them in practice? I think that it is time for you to put this behind you and move forward! You seems to be having support from therapists but maybe a change in your life might bring new and meaningful relationships. Take the time for new relationships in your life. You say that you are a broken tool but I think that your story can actually help some people. Just be wise when you start sharing. I agree with the fact that suicide is not the answer! I think you should consider being that helping hand! Find purpose and move forward! I do not know if you believe in God, but I pray that you find your purpose and that you are surrounded by people that want to spend time with you, maybe even to be help by you so you see the value of your story!


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