People Problems

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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People Problems

Postby Hani » Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:43 pm

Well, I think everyone here understands that feeling of when you thought you hit rock bottom, only to find you can fall right through that bottom too. To be blunt, I attempted suicide, failed, and am now at an uneasy pact with life and my treatment team. Everyone says it's just a rut that I'll get through, but every week feels a little worse than the last, and even though I have a loving family and several close friends, I have never felt so absolutely abandoned.

I don't know how detailed I should get, but I'll start simple. I'm a 21 year old male, financially stable, and had plenty of friends. About a year ago, a close friend and I had a rude falling out when he attacked my religion, and when we tried to move past that, it only got worse. Big deal, stuff happens, we went our separate ways and moved on. It probably started my downward spiral, but I didn't know any better. fast forward a few months, and I had several close friends, but that one guy came back around, and adopted the same schedule I had. Same job, same living area, same friends, etc. I thought it was a great chance to rekindle an old friendship, but somehow I screwed that up and became stuck in a limbo area where we would just pretend the other person didn't exist. We were prepping for a test that we would take that would decide if we could keep our job or not, and the prep time was about 2 years, so I spent close to that just trying to survive, but I didn't do it too well, and come test day he finally pulled me to the side and this little meeting ended poorly and I stormed off to take my test, which I promptly failed. Way later I had the chance to retake said test, and passed, but at the time I didn't know better. This is when I attempted suicide, but I failed (A trend it seems), and another friend ended up coming to my rescue.

I was put in a ward for a week where I met someone who said their son killed himself and that I reminded her of her son. Hearing her story alerted me to the uneasy truth of what would probably happen to my mother if I had succeeded, so I assured her and everyone else that I wouldn't try again.

Sadly, since that incident, every week is harder to make it through than the last. I only told four people that I attempted suicide. one moved far off and I never heard from them again, another is my mother and we no longer see eye to eye anymore, another was the friend who saved me that night and afterwards I had several mental breakdowns in front of him and he moved off and told me never to speak to him again, and the last and the final person I told is still around but I feel like I'm about to run that person off too. Everyone else I associate with is none the wiser, and they all genuinely like me. This has me convinced that I can't talk about my problems, which have constantly been growing since the start, and that getting close to people will only lead to more pain down the line.

So far, I still believe suicide isn't the answer, but I am always worried that I won't be able to convince myself of that, considering I have to remind myself that every day. I have three different therapist that I see often and a roommate that follows me around (with no idea why), so there is no need for alarm, but living this way is really grinding away at my emotions.

Sorry for the long post, but I have no idea what else to do, and I just want find a way to make life feel a little better because here I am 5 months after the incident and instead of time healing the wound, it made it worse and I honestly feel like the future isn't an inviting place.

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Re: People Problems

Postby LookUp1430 » Thu Jan 11, 2018 2:01 pm

Wow. It seems you have gained a lot of wisdom through that one defining moment in your life. From what you said, you were able to learn a lot from the mother of that boy who killed himself, and that knowledge gave you perspective on the huge impact suicide has on others. Have you considered finding a way to impart that type of wisdom on others who might be in the same boat you were when you tried to kill yourself? Maybe you can heal by sharing your experiences with others who might be contemplating suicide. Maybe you can have a positive impact on the lives of others by sharing your story with them. And maybe this will help you gain confidence in yourself as you realize how important YOU are to this world and those around you.

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Re: People Problems

Postby Hani » Thu Jan 11, 2018 11:51 pm

Thank you so much for your reply, and your kindness. Sadly, I sit around therapists who constantly praise me, and it makes complements kind of worthless without earning it. Perhaps using what I have learned to help others would be a good option, but I honestly feel like that would be impossible for me at this time. I don't talk about this stuff to just anyone, and those that I have told, don't really like me anymore. Perhaps I could try to help strangers such as on this site, but my belief is that it takes more than "wise" words on a computer screen to make a difference. It takes a physical helping hand of someone close to you, who you see in person making an effort stay by you while you deal with your problems. A task like this can't really be done over the internet... and is it really a good idea to try to fix a broken machine with a broken tool?

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Re: People Problems

Postby Aiutalemani » Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:53 am

Hello! Thanks for sharing here!
It seems to me like you have learned some good lessons about your life during this time! Can I ask, how are you planning to put them in practice? I think that it is time for you to put this behind you and move forward! You seems to be having support from therapists but maybe a change in your life might bring new and meaningful relationships. Take the time for new relationships in your life. You say that you are a broken tool but I think that your story can actually help some people. Just be wise when you start sharing. I agree with the fact that suicide is not the answer! I think you should consider being that helping hand! Find purpose and move forward! I do not know if you believe in God, but I pray that you find your purpose and that you are surrounded by people that want to spend time with you, maybe even to be help by you so you see the value of your story!

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Re: People Problems

Postby brkngrl » Sat Jan 20, 2018 4:52 pm

I’m new here but I read your story and I wanted to respond. I’ve been dealing with depression for a long time and have found that people, at least around me, truly don’t understand it, and they don’t understand why it makes you act or react certain ways. Even when they have depression they can be unforgiving because they don’t understand you.
The best advice I received was from the one and only time I sought therapy. I was told that you are entitled to your feelings. If you are angry about something in life, you don’t need to put on a smile and fake your way through the day. You are allowed to feel something other than happiness in front of others. I guess what I am saying is, and I hope I am helping, find therapy that fits you and you are right, suicide is never the answer. People might not get you but when you encounter someone else suffering you can recognize and reach out.

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Re: People Problems

Postby Wandering2496 » Wed Jan 31, 2018 12:32 am

I am in no way a professional, but I have been studying psychology and unfortunately have the same problems with the people I love. I would like to share my opinion on the matter in hopes that it can be a step toward helping us understand this predicament.

I have had depression all of my life, but it isn't something that I have acknowledged until recently. I don't consider many of my acquaintances "friends" because of how unreliable they are in regards to, well, anything. My closest friend is my best friend, but she only accepts sacrifices and compromises when I'm the only one making them. Quickly tiring of these lackluster relationships, I turn to my mother, the one person who is truly closest to me. Alas, she isn't very good at providing the support I need either. Though she may not mean to, she often makes me feel like my problems aren't that big of a deal. That I'm probably overreacting, and that this is just some phase that I'm going to get over in a couple of months or weeks.

The people I have mentioned above may be different in regards to who they are in my life, but they all have similar if not the same reactions when I address my mental illness: passiveness and avoidance. They are never comfortable when I talk about my suicidal thoughts. They never stick around when I talk about solutions like speaking to a therapist. They practically pretend I don't exist when they notice the cuts on my skin, my sudden weight loss, and the endless times I simply sit or lay still to stare at nothing. It's very easy to assume that this is because they don't care about me--that listening to my issues is a waste of time. It may or may not be true, but it isn't hard to think on the negative side when you're sitting on the line between hanging on to life and letting it go.

Then I began to study the many theories of personality. Though each one is different from the other, they all propose one fact: that personalities are shaped by something people may or may not have control over. Whether they're by childhood trauma, genes, classical conditioning, learned behavior, cultural and economic factors, or another determinant, people are easily influenced by exposure. If a person doesn't want to change into something they despise, they stay away from something or someone that has or reminds them of what they want to avoid.

So how does this relate to us?

Depression is a mental illness. It uses our minds and hearts against us, leaving us feeling lonely, trapped, and helpless. No one wants to feel this way. We may not always know what causes us to fall into this storm, pit, or whatever you'd like to call it, but many people take control of their prevention efforts by not treating those with depression like victims but as carriers of a disease. They know that depression is bad, just as we do, and seeing us suffer allows them to see the horrible toll this illness takes on our bodies. They presume that depression is an infection they can catch if they remain with us, so they do what many naturally do when they are threatened: they get away. They don't want to "catch" depression nor accept the fact that they can get "infected". They also don't want to see our symptoms and realize that they may already have it.

So does this mean that we are responsible for our failed and failing relationships? That the reason we can't connect with anyone is that we have a sickness that no one wants to even look at? It took me a long time to learn and accept, but no. No, it is not our fault. Millions of people around the world reach out to those who are suffering. Many go out of their way to help us get through ours. Not everyone wants to offer a hand or accept ours; but if we hang on just long enough, we will meet the ones who embrace us.

Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. And thank you if you took the time to read my words. This is my first post in the forums, and I am very glad to finally be in a community that understands what I'm going through.

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Re: People Problems

Postby Olive » Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:23 pm

Op— I wanted to let you know I can related a lot to what you’re saying. People tend not to stick around, and they tend to shit you out. I’m sorry you have to experience that.

I’ve found over the years that you will have times when you are in a place with your illness where people will not be able to follow you. It is these times you have to be as strong as you can be and hold on for as long as you need to. Help will come, buddy. Try to keep in mind that if you weren’t depressed, your friends would still be around. It isn’t your fault :/ not everyone can handle being close to someone that is sick. It is cruel, but if is what happens, and it is inderstandable even maybe.

I am glad you came to find that suicide is not the answer :( that is incredible ^.^ I would like to caution you in that you may have to learn this lesson multiple times, so don’t take for granted the wisdom you have now.

And I think you helped me a bit, reading your words was very cathartic and I appreciate reading them.

~ Olive

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